[Philanthropist]

	Originally Posted by Dasein To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Tell her you are a lesbian and very attracted to her...

This could go horribly pear shaped if she feels that way herself........

[Antares]

I have been in this situation with an ENFJ (who has a legit health problem, but I just couldn't take it anymore. It's not my responsibility to mother her) before. I was basically the only person who would look at her twice because of her bizarre behavior in the past (including stealing and passive aggressiveness. She caused minor destruction to the artwork of somebody she hated). Because not many people wanted to be around her, and I have friends of my own, I felt myself isolated and degraded by hanging around her, but she was convinced that there's something special between us. When she stole things, she denied doing it, even to me. That told me that being friends with her was only hurting myself. She became really clingy and started to follow me. I lack the cruelty to reject her out of hand, but I did hint on several occasions that I wanted to be rid of her. She either ignored them or didn't them, but either way, I started to ignore her and blatantly talk more to my new ESFJ best friend. If anything else didn't work, that did. Slowly, she got the hint and left me alone. Next year, she left the school.

If your friend is that unstable, perhaps you shouldn't try this. But give her reasons to leave you alone. Convince her that it's her idea to stop hanging out with you. Stop responding to her. Become uninteresting.

[JulietCapulet]

It sounds like you are being abused. Time to step away from the relationship and don't be afraid to stand up to her, she will respect you more for it. And don't be afraid if she gives you a verbal lashing (which is what always scares me). Don't let her waste your life.

[Gobbbler]

I don't like these ideas of indirectly playing games or making her think it is her idea. Sounds so passive-aggressive. Also, in some ways of doing it, it can make you look like the problem, not only to her, but to mutual friends and acquaintances. Also, it just prolongs your suffering and frustration.

She needs the lesson that she cannot treat people this way. She may not get it or change, but that won't be your problem anymore. Also, I very much think that you will benefit from the experience of having the courage to simply lay down out honesty and stop tolerating such behavior. Passive-aggressively trying to get out of it... you may regret such weakness later.

You cannot control her behavior, but you can control her access to you.

[OhTheHumanity]

This is all true... My mom is telling me to simply stop hanging out with her and tell her it is due to work/my new boyfriend, but that would be lying. If she found out I was lying she would flip out even more than if I confronted her, I think. But if she just became uninterested in my it would be much easier, that is, if she never finds out that it is not completely true...

However confronting her would also be a big ordeal, and a common friend we share always takes her side in these matters... So I guess I will be deal with double the drama no matter what. Ugh... It is so frustrating.

[stock]

	Originally Posted by OhTheHumanity To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I mentioned ENFP because I was wondering if it was a possible pattern that shows up in those of this type who have mental problems. I am certainly not implying that ENFPs as a type are off their rockers, because I really have gotten some good advice from you folk throughout my stay here at the forum.

I have seen my sister-an ESFP get caught in cycles like this. I have occasionally visited. If we get in a really stressful place and are very miserable-we externalize what we feel-thus the endless self centered bitching. EXFPs can also be prone to emo outbursts which can be tears and crying or fits of anger. The more she trusts someone-the more open she may be in expressing these feelings.

(To quell this crap in the moment? Affirm the emo, then provide solutions. "I totally would feel the same way, I understand your pain, it's cool-have you considered trying X to resolve the problem? " It is enfp emo magic)

What disturbs me is that she seems to be expressing her frustrations at you. She may be angry about a lot of things but perhaps a small trigger in your interaction with her causes her to explode? That is unfair. You do not deserve to be hurt by another person in this manner and are right to establish boundaries and distance yourself from her until she learns to more carefully moderate her own behavior.

Originally Posted by cheerbear To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

And not sure how other ENFPs are in this regard, but I usually prefer the honest brutal truth, especially if the other person feels like they've been sugarcoating and not getting through to me. So maybe a discussion where you just tell her straight out. Again, I don't know your specific situation so it's hard to tell, but just throwing another idea out there. Or maybe an email that explains how you're feeling so that she can have time to think it over without getting defensive and taking it out on you in a conversation.

Yeah-if you try and be indirect and passive, likely she just wont get it. We are not good with subtle hints. Directness is best. Also in that directness you can pass along EXACTLY what she needs to stop doing-give her tools to move forward with. The email is an excellent idea as cutting off the friendship will result in a total emo breakdown.

To avoid hurting her too badly first affirm her-"I realize things have been very stressful for you the last year. You are a good person and I really care deeply for you"

Then state your case directly:
" However I really have a lot going on in my life right now and I need an emotionally calm enviornment without a lot of drama. I realize you may not mean to upset me, however your tendency to get angry and lash out as well all of the emotional outbursts puts a lot of stress on me."

Stress this part "Your tendency to do X, Y, and Z really hurts other people. If you keep up in these behaviors, you will end up alienating others around you due to the stress you impose."

Finish with "I have always cared about you greatly and I think you are a good hearted person but your actions really hurt me enough that I need time alone and away from the chaos. You may want to consider talking to a therapist as this is a cycle we have repeated several times now and it hurts me greatly to have to end our friendship. Yet you seem to keep making the same mistakes without learning from them.."

Then retreat quickly and do not interact with her for at least a month.

She will have a total emo breakdown for sure-which you do not need to suffer through. It will be cycles of anger/emo breakdowns. But she should learn from that process. Pain can teach very valuable lessons-but she needs to understand why you left.

[OhTheHumanity]

Originally Posted by stock To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have seen my sister-an ESFP get caught in cycles like this. I have occasionally visited. If we get in a really stressful place and are very miserable-we externalize what we feel-thus the endless self centered bitching. EXFPs can also be prone to emo outbursts which can be tears and crying or fits of anger. The more she trusts someone-the more open she may be in expressing these feelings. (To quell this crap in the moment? Affirm the emo, then provide solutions. "I totally would feel the same way, I understand your pain, it's cool-have you considered trying X to resolve the problem? " It is enfp emo magic) What disturbs me is that she seems to be expressing her frustrations at you. She may be angry about a lot of things but perhaps a small trigger in your interaction with her causes her to explode? That is unfair. You do not deserve to be hurt by another person in this manner and are right to establish boundaries and distance yourself from her until she learns to more carefully moderate her own behavior. Yeah-if you try and be indirect and passive, likely she just wont get it. We are not good with subtle hints. Directness is best. Also in that directness you can pass along EXACTLY what she needs to stop doing-give her tools to move forward with. The email is an excellent idea as cutting off the friendship will result in a total emo breakdown. To avoid hurting her too badly first affirm her-"I realize things have been very stressful for you the last year. You are a good person and I really care deeply for you" Then state your case directly: " However I really have a lot going on in my life right now and I need an emotionally calm enviornment without a lot of drama. I realize you may not mean to upset me, however your tendency to get angry and lash out as well all of the emotional outbursts puts a lot of stress on me." Stress this part "Your tendency to do X, Y, and Z really hurts other people. If you keep up in these behaviors, you will end up alienating others around you due to the stress you impose." Finish with "I have always cared about you greatly and I think you are a good hearted person but your actions really hurt me enough that I need time alone and away from the chaos. You may want to consider talking to a therapist as this is a cycle we have repeated several times now and it hurts me greatly to have to end our friendship. Yet you seem to keep making the same mistakes without learning from them.." Then retreat quickly and do not interact with her for at least a month. She will have a total emo breakdown for sure-which you do not need to suffer through. It will be cycles of anger/emo breakdowns. But she should learn from that process. Pain can teach very valuable lessons-but she needs to understand why you left.

Yeah this helps me understand her side of things a lot better. I can kinda understand that she doesn't always mean to hurt me, but it is just her way of dealing with her own issues. Not to say that this is in any way an acceptable way to treat friends.... But I think she does have a lot of emotional turmoil that she projects on to other people... This very much describes the way she works...

[stock]

	Originally Posted by OhTheHumanity To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yeah this helps me understand her side of things a lot better. I can kinda understand that she doesn't always mean to hurt me, but it is just her way of dealing with her own issues. Not to say that this is in any way an acceptable way to treat friends.... But I think she does have a lot of emotional turmoil that she projects on to other people... This very much describes the way she works...

Yeah, make no mistake, her issues belong to her and she should not be lashing out or inflicting them on you (unless there is some real issue to discuss of course). You have every right to distance yourself from this interaction-but it helps to make it clear you are doing so.

When things go badly for an enfp-they go VERY, VERY badly. If it is a very immature enfp, they can sort of collapse in on themselves. I found this post awhile back that does a good job of describing the enfp "emo collapse". I dont know if I agree with the way the jungian mechanics are explained-but the actual description of emotions, inner conflict, turmoil-yeah those sounds right.


To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Recognize you are seeing a lot of this external spewing/projection-it may help to understand it isnt really consciously manipulative-just her "extroverting the internal crazies"-thus potentially exerting an inadvertent manipulative effect as others try and minimize the chaos. She likely does care deeply for you and means well-but that still does not mean you need to suffer through her ongoing issues that she has failed to resolve.

Distance is very reasonable, until she can develop self coping and boundary strategies. Good luck!

[Aurelia]

This sounds a lot like a friend that I used to have that had a personality disorder. How did I distance myself from her? First, it began with my setting limits on what behavior I would accept from her. After confronting her immediately after an incident occurred, she apologized. However, her bad behavior returned. So I stopped answering her phone calls.

In hindsight, if I could do things differently I would not have spent so much time thinking about what the right thing was to do. By taking immediate action, your friend will get the message that you are not going to allow yourself to be abused or manipulated. I also would have confronted her earlier rather than giving her the benefit of the doubt time after time. Should you decide to confront her behavior stick with the subject at hand. Don't allow her to use any diversions by bringing up the past or focusing on her intentions. If her behavior is abusive then that is what needs to be confronted.

One of the ways I used to get sucked back into things was by giving her advice. She'd come to me with a problem wanting my opinion. I stopped trying to sway her from making bad choices. The words I used specifically focused on her being adult enough to make her own choices. I kept it very short. (What she really wanted was my attention not my advice anyway.) Our contact has dwindled down to nothing except an email every so often.

There were no major casualties despite her psychological instability and history of impulsive violent behavior. However, I don't know the specific details of your friendship. All I can tell you is to trust your instincts. If your instincts tell you to tread lightly while ending things then do so. If I were in your position, I would start the process quickly so that come Fall semester you'll have had several months of separation before seeing her again.

[elegantmachine]

My mother is an ENFP, and I recently broke up with her.

Things she did to me;
Hit me 3 x times when I was between ages 4-13. Constantly insulting me and throwing harsh words.

2007, I was living with my one year older sister (she was Borderline and suicidal). Our mother came to visit (wich seldom happens). And she asked my sister, and in the same time looking at me, if I was the reason for her condition.

Both me and my sister was shocked. Neither of us have never really liked her.

It feels so good to not have to deal with that crazy woman any more!

[Firebrand]

	Originally Posted by OhTheHumanity To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	However I think I am perhaps putting off the breakup, not necessarily because I would feel guilty or "responsible" for her anguish so much, but more out of fear of her wrath. (oh there would be wrath) Not to say I wouldn't feel guilty at all, thats just inhuman...

Wrath? Have some confidence in your ability to handle the situation. Otherwise, you're basically allowing her to manipulate your actions, even in a friendship-severing. Teach her to deal with cause and effect.

[InfiniteLoop]

I agree with Firebrand up there - you need to show her that you're putting your foot down and won't deal with her bullshit anymore. Sometimes there isn't a nice way to go about it, the pain caused by the breakup might make her think twice. If you keep being wishy-washy about it, she won't take you seriously. I know it's hard, but if it has to be done, then you have to grit your teeth and do it, or risk 'double drama'.

[Thinktress]

Originally Posted by stock To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Recognize you are seeing a lot of this external spewing/projection-it may help to understand it isnt really consciously manipulative-just her "extroverting the internal crazies"-thus potentially exerting an inadvertent manipulative effect as others try and minimize the chaos. She likely does care deeply for you and means well-but that still does not mean you need to suffer through her ongoing issues that she has failed to resolve. Distance is very reasonable, until she can develop self coping and boundary strategies. Good luck!

This would truly be a great link to read before you talk to her. I found it very illuminating.