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Dealing with an INFJ Mother... None
Old 05-12-2010, 10:27 PM   #1
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Where do I start?

I'm an intensely personal person and I don't like being around my family unless I want to. It's a chore to me - they're boring, and I don't really want to do half of the stuff they do. And it's always inevitably my mother's decision. She wants me to watch a film, I'd really rather not. She wants me to eat at the table with the family, I'd honestly rather get things done in my room. She often feels like I hate her, or like I don't care about the family. I do. I just really do not want to be around them, because I feel... slightly awkward, I don't know. I just never feel like being around them, and I wonder if it's due to their types.

My mother is an INFJ. One little letter, and she's a whole different breed of human. She constantly tries to appeal to emotion with me, and it never works, yet she never seems to get it. I don't have the heart to tell her that it's not working, partially because I'd get in trouble but also because I know it'd hurt her (in my opinion) overly sensitive feelings. She *always* seems to take everything I say into offense, and it's frustrating because then I have to hear her whine about how "she cries every night" when I make one little comment about my job taking the trash out or how "I never care" about the family when I do, just not in the same way as her. She at one point even said, and I quote, that I was "cold, like a snake". She constantly seems to believe that I do things purely for my own gain, and while that is somewhat true, I also give acts of kindness that show I do care. One or two complaints about taking out the trash in a month is not a valid reason, in my opinion, to think that I don't care. I don't care because you're appealing to emotion, and I don't honestly *ever* feel guilty when you say "Oh, well I sit and cry because you argue about the trash." My response: grow a thicker skin and try a new tactic. This does not work on me, it has not worked on me for 18 years, and it will never work on me.

She keeps wanting me to be closer to the family, because "that's what families do." Really. I'm glad other families eat at the table every night, but what if I don't want to? I'm glad that other families have Sunday Movie Days every week, but what if I don't want to? Why should I have to appeal to your schedule just because "that's what families do?" The reason I never want to be around her and the family in general is because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells - I do good things and I'm kind and everything's cool, and then I make one little minor complaint or decide I don't want to watch one more movie with them (or even one movie with them), and it all goes downhill and she gets all offended. Then when I ask why she's so sensitive, she tries to rationalize it with her perspective on a rather tough struggle she had getting out of an abusive relationship with my father. I lived through it, too, and I'm sorry it hurt you, but it hurt me too. You need to try and accept what happened and move on rather than being hurt by it. All I see when she does this is more worthless appeal to emotion that doesn't work, and it's frustrating.

I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh on her. I do love her, she's my mom, how could I not? But it's just getting silly that she continues to use feeling tactics on someone who doesn't respond and never had responded to those tactics. I'm getting sick of it, is there some way I can deal with it, or is it just me being a demon?
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:37 PM   #2
ArtistTyrant
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is she trying to reach out to you because you've always been distant, and her priorities have recently shifted?

or you were once close but have grown apart?

or she feels alone or has recently lost a friend or begun to socialize less?

if she has a need to use her pent-up Fe, you, as a family member in close proximity, are an obvious candidate...really, the nicest way to indicate to her that you need space is to stress how introverted you are, because any other base appeal is unlikely to be effective short-term

if she doesn't understand the difference in perspective, perhaps trying to educate her about MBTI and your differences will help her realize that she can't expect a visceral emotional response from you as a given, and that she really has to find another way to satisfy whatever urge it is that she has for reaching out to you...but at the same time, she is your mother, and as long as you don't hate each other, i hope you both can find a mutually satisfactory method of growing closer and bonding =)
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:42 PM   #3
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Haha... All of this sounds very familiar. My family: ISFJ father, INFJ mother, INTJ me, INFP sister, and ESFJ sister...

Have you told her that you don't tick "the feeling way"? Have you tried explaining MBTI to her, and then explained your thought processes? Have you tried explaining on what levels you DO care (Fi), and how much you care, and how that caring manifests itself on the outside? Have you tried telling her what you'd do if you didn't care whatsoever?
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:44 PM   #4
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I have an INFJ mother so I can sympathise lol
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I think realy she will never get over wanting you to be around all the time and will feel neglected if you don't so I'd say compromise; i.e. eat at the table every second night or something. She'll see this as you trying to be cooperative and make her happy, which will subsequently get her off your case. Also, INFJs just like to whine a lot (just their nature) so this I don't think I can help you with sorry....
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Old 05-12-2010, 10:57 PM   #5
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My moms an INFJ also...so is one of my sisters and the other is INTP. Luckily my dad is an INTJ so all is well.
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:02 PM   #6
yoginimama
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Ah, the bliss of being indifferent to feeling-based attacks. How different, and worse, my childhood would have been if the typical girl-drama social crap of "I won't be your friend anymore" or "I hate you" or "She said blah blah blah about you" had meant anything to me. My mom still marvels at my stony indifference--and she's an INTJ.

That said...it was different within my family, so I'm a bit concerned at your expressions of hostility and indifference when your mom says she cries.

I see several possibilities:

1) Your mom is being manipulative and you've withdrawn to protect yourself. In which case, this is not an INFJ v. INTJ issue, it's a dysfunctional-relationship issue, and you need to start reading up on Family Systems Theory and checking out books like "If You Had Controlling Parents."

2) You're blowing this out of proportion because you're in a period of individuation from your family, which often means rejecting the family and feeling confined by it even when the objective situation doesn't seem to warrant those feelings. Again, this is not an MBTI issue, but a "Bildung" issue, a growing-up issue.

3) A mix of 1 and 2

That's my take on it, anyhow....
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:08 PM   #7
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Well, she does know about the MBTI, and she knows her type and understands my nature, but she seems to be under them impression that I'm too harsh and need to change. I know I can be awfully harsh, and I'm working on it, but it doesn't help when she keeps badgering me about how I forgot the cat litter and then how I 'forgot' the trash just because it isn't full enough to go out yet. To make matters worse, my stepmother tends to flux between being INTJ and... something more pedantic and "You must follow these rules exactly." She's the one who usually yells at me when I make one little comment and she's also the one who complains that I always complain. I rarely complain out loud to people - rather, I state my opinion, and for some reason she takes it as an insult. Then my mom gets upset *she's* upset and whines at me about it. It's maddening.

I wonder if it's because I'm heading to college soon. I spend time with her and I eat at the table, but she seems to think it's not enough. I spend mother-daughter time, I watch movies with the family, I put in my two cents, and it's never enough. Am I crazy to think she's being too clingy?

As for her "crying every night" about the cat litter, why would anyone ever cry about someone making a comment on one thing? I'm sick of hearing it - if you really do cry, then the reason is that you probably aren't understanding what I say and are only taking it as a complaint when it's really just one little comment. Why should I have to shut up and just do it when I have a valid thing to say? I'm not a sheep. If you can't think of a good argument besides "Your stepmom cries because you made one little comment and you always do" even when I haven't said anything in months or even said anything overtly cruel, then you need to reevaluate your argument before you say something. This is why I never want to spend time with the family - because with every comment I make, I never know if she's going to take offense and start a fight.
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Old 05-12-2010, 11:16 PM   #8
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Wow, lots of INTJs with INFJ mothers... I'm one, too. Reading your post, it's like you're talking about my mom. I went through most of what you describe and, yeah, it's so frustrating and it seems like it will never ends. But it does, believe me, and you will be fine.

I've realized that INFJs feel as strongly about their morals and ideals as we INTJs feel about logic and ideas. Think of it this way: it feels so wrong for her when you don't act influenced by Fe as it feels wrong for you when she doesn't act influenced by Te. You say she can't take a clue as to her failure to move your feelings and try a new method, but you seem to have completely missed the fact that she will never lose the hope to make you a "better human being" and will always try to move your feelings, just because that's how she operates and that's what would work with her - most of us can't help behaving like that.

If you want my advice, here it is: research Fe, and accept that, as much as your mom might love you (and I'm sure she does), she is never going to be like you.

---------- Post added 05-12-2010 at 09:24 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by InfiniteLoop
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I wonder if it's because I'm heading to college soon. I spend time with her and I eat at the table, but she seems to think it's not enough. I spend mother-daughter time, I watch movies with the family, I put in my two cents, and it's never enough. Am I crazy to think she's being too clingy?

Interesting. I wouldn't say clingy, but she's probably not dealing well with the fact that you're finally spreading wings and flying away. I'm not sure how you could deal with that, but, if I may borrow from my own experience, distance helps easing the tension because there's no more power play - "do what I want", "no, *you* do what I want", etc; the bad things are forgotten (like getting mad with your not doing your chores the way she expected - pales in importance considering you will no longer be there, IMO) and the good ones remembered with more intensity.

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Old 05-12-2010, 11:32 PM   #9
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Some things about your mother remind me of my own mother, an ISFJ. Mostly it's the whole victim complex. Your father may have truly been an abuser, but people who need to play the victim role require an abuser. If they are not currently with an abuser they will distort reality and make you into an abuser in order to maintain their victim status. They will never see that others were also hurt by abuse because they are so caught up in how hurt they are/were. It is an extremely selfish POV.

Mostly they will be happy if you feel sorry for them and tell them repeatedly they didn't deserve to be hurt, but this can be very hard to do if they have been accusing you of abuser like behaviors. Your mother needs to get out of her victim complex, but that takes a certain self awareness that she might not be ready for. My mother was like this for years and changed somewhat with the help of a self-help book believe it or not. The book was all the typical new agey stuff about letting go of hate and blame and being responsible for your own happiness. I happen to think this is all common sense stuff, but apparently its not.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:42 AM   #10
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Your mother sounds almost exactly like my mother, who is also an INFJ. I've finally stopped doing things her way and I talk to her as little as possible now. Guess what? She's stopped pulling as much crap with me these last couple of months. She knows I'm done with putting up with it. I just don't care anymore if she's upset with anything that I've done or haven't done that doesn't mesh with her worldview. She wore me out, and this is where it got her. Give it time and you and your mother might end up like me and my mother, and things will be easier for both of you in a rather strange way.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:35 PM   #11
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The thing is this - I don't want to break off my relationship with her. I love my mother, but she irritates me so much with her "Oh you're so cold because you're a Rational" bull. It's irritating. I continue to tell her that it irritates more than guilt-trips me when she does this, but it's like she's not getting the message. It's like she has a whole little chain with my crazily strict stepmom, too. 1) Stepmom dislikes how I do something/dislikes my disregard for authority that I've had since childhood/dislikes that I question something she wants done even a little bit and even if it's something stupid or very innocent. 2) Stepmom tells mother. They argue and discuss it. 3) Mom comes and tells me how I'm a "coldblooded snake" of a woman and I can't feel. 4) I get frustrated and things go downhill from there. It's completely stupid.
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Old 05-13-2010, 05:14 PM   #12
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Being a feeler is one thing, resorting to personal attacks is another. There's no excuse to calling your own child a "coldblooded snake." Frankly I think you're being too nice. I would not put up with name-calling from people who claim to love me.

You are reaching adulthood and she is resisting your efforts to break away, hence her coming off clingy. It is time for you to start setting boundaries as you reach adulthood. What she fails to realize is that her treatment in you is going to result in you avoiding interaction with her once you're no longer living at home. Some folks don't seem to get that about NTs and it results on families essentially breaking apart once the young NT leaves home.

She needs to know that while you will try to accommodate her when you can, but you're not going to change for her. If she can't accommodate that, then it's her problem. And tell both moms that if either of them call you any sort of variation of a snake ever again, you will either walk away or hang up the phone, whichever is appropriate. And then do it.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:47 PM   #13
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You're 18 or older, right? Why don't you move out, get a job, and pay for your own bills? That way you can live life according to your own rules rather than deal with the silly little rules and restrictions imposed by others...
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Old 05-16-2010, 01:50 PM   #14
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  Originally Posted by Mogura
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You're 18 or older, right? Why don't you move out, get a job, and pay for your own bills? That way you can live life according to your own rules rather than deal with the silly little rules and restrictions imposed by others...

Because I've been trying to do just that, and failing. I'm putting in the applications and trying to get a job, and I can't. That, and I'm not honestly sure if I'm really emotionally ready to just move out, cold turkey. It'd also kind of mess up my plans for college - both my CC and the college I'm eventually going to transfer to are very close to my home, and if I move it might just make the distance between all the more difficult. I don't even have a car or license yet; how am I going to work and support myself?

I wonder if it's just her blowing things out of proportion, or me?

I know they're not just "silly little restrictions" because she's not 'restricting' me to anything. She gives me the time, and I do it. If it gets done later, she yells at me like I'm a child. I'm tired of it, and I explain why, and it's like she doesn't get it. I wonder if it's just something I need to see a family counselor about...

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Old 05-16-2010, 08:53 PM   #15
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That's probably a good idea. All we can do is give opinions but none of us is fully acquainted with the whole situation, nor are we professional counselors (or if some are, they're just as in the dark as all the rest). It'd be more helpful for you and your mom to both get help to solve your issues.
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Old 05-17-2010, 05:14 PM   #16
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I have an INFJ mother, too, but I wouldn't say she's like this with me... Probably because I'm the third child. She's a little more aggressively close with my older brothers, but she's a well-balanced F.

It sounds like you and your mother are both blowing things out of proportion.

If she asks you to do something, is it really that hard to accommodate her and her schedule? You are living under her roof. My parents have always insisted on eating together and on Sunday family dinner (my brothers have both moved out; every Sunday we all have dinner together); it's not that big of a deal. What, half an hour, an hour? An hour and a half at most. That's not so enormous an investment as to be intolerable, unless your family is not just moderately boring but actually insufferable (and if they're insufferable, are you sure it's them who are the problem, and not you?).

All of that said, your mother is definitely blowing things way out of proportion if she's calling you cold and a snake. That kind of thing goes way beyond acceptable limits. From the outside and with the limited information I can work with (I'm not you, so I can't understand all the nuances), it looks like you two are feeding each other's negative reactions.

From what I see (and obviously I only see a little sliver, so take this with a grain of salt), this looks like a classic NF-NT "death spiral", with the added bitterness and pain that comes with you two being family.

If you want to "fix" the relationship, you're going to have to sit down with your mother and find some way to have a full conversation about all of this, honestly and straightforwardly, without it turning into an explosion. You're the only one who can know how to sort that out.

I've had to sit down my generally very reasonable INFJ mother for that kind of talk a few times before. I found that a pot of tea, a quiet room, and a moment when we weren't already arguing and she wasn't super-stressed from something else, worked quite well. Be prepared to have some feely talk, as well as thinky talk. You might have to suck it up and try to bend for her first. She'll most likely follow suit.

If you don't want to "fix" it, then the best thing you can do is distance yourself. If you're heading off to college soon, then that will happen quite naturally. At the very least, a lot of the frictions will be reduced. Hope this helps a bit!
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Old 05-17-2010, 05:27 PM   #17
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Ahahaha, I'll add myself to the list of INTJ with INFJ mother.

Trust me, once you're off in college, it'll get better. My mom and I never got along but once I was a safe distance away in university our relationship became, at the very least, tolerable. She needs connections and squishy stuff, I send her detailed emails of fluff and squishiness, mom rejoices, I go do more interesting tasks. Yay! I only have to see my family at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I visit home a couple more times, it's easier to just grit my teeth and get through it for a couple days and then flee back to uni.

My mom also knows about MBTI, she told me (once reading the INTJ profile) that, "you know, you could still change." Uh huh, sorry Mom, you're stuck with what your brought into the world.

I find pre-emptive gift-giving and nice-thing doing staves off guilt trips. I just bought my mom a shirt she mentioned she liked. Why? Just 'cause. She'll love it, she will feel cared for, and hey, I didn't even have to have a conversation or listen to her gush about her feelings. Because I do love my Mom, I just don't like being around her, and I can't get through a conversation without feeling irritated. She is a wonderful person and we don't get along :D We're both working at it, she tries to stay quieter longer, and doesn't stand RIGHT beside me anymore, in return I try and put in effort at having a long meaningless conversation and making sure I don't totally neglect her.

Kind of feel bad though. She's a super squishy INFJ, she married an INTJ and had another for a daughter. Ouch!
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Old 05-17-2010, 07:22 PM   #18
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  Originally Posted by Ilara
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From what I see (and obviously I only see a little sliver, so take this with a grain of salt), this looks like a classic NF-NT "death spiral", with the added bitterness and pain that comes with you two being family.

If you want to "fix" the relationship, you're going to have to sit down with your mother and find some way to have a full conversation about all of this, honestly and straightforwardly, without it turning into an explosion. You're the only one who can know how to sort that out.

I've had to sit down my generally very reasonable INFJ mother for that kind of talk a few times before. I found that a pot of tea, a quiet room, and a moment when we weren't already arguing and she wasn't super-stressed from something else, worked quite well. Be prepared to have some feely talk, as well as thinky talk. You might have to suck it up and try to bend for her first. She'll most likely follow suit.

That does help quite a lot, actually.
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I'll try finding a time when we can talk and she's not stressed (which seems like never, since *everything* apparently stresses her out and she and I both have a generalized anxiety disorder and we both tend to freak out over things easily) and talk with her; I have tried talking with her in the past, but it always seems to spiral out of control somewhere and then she gets upset, I try to explain, and then she flips out *more* because she takes it so personally. I honestly think she's just stressed that I'm leaving the nest and she won't admit it. I've been trying not to get upset about the chores - I know I have to do them, but isn't it a little ridiculous of her to get upset if I happen to be an hour or two off a few nights in a row or I honestly forget?

She keeps saying I have this 'sassy tone'. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't really change my 'sassy tone' when you find every tone I use to be sassy. I try being sweet, I try being nice, I try being firm - all of it is 'sassy' to her. She also constantly tells me how I'm getting in a 'fight' with her when all I was doing was having a simple talk with my stepmother. Just tonight my stepmother brought up something about not sharing nose spray because we're all just reinfecting ourselves. I disagreed, thinking she was referring to the same virus. We were having a talk, not a debate, and just because I started questioning and pointing out where I differed from my stepmother (who wasn't getting angry and wasn't telling me to back off), my mother blew up and told us to 'stop fighting'. We weren't even fighting! Neither of us were even remotely angry in tone! I pointed this out, but the damage was done. I don't know why she thinks I always want to 'fight' with everyone when I'm actually only having a calm discussion. My little sister's started to pick up on my mom's bad habit of calling it 'fighting', too. I don't know how much of this is my mom's stress and how much of it is her still feeling like a victim. Am I crazy to think that she needs to calm down and set her feelings aside for just a moment? I know she's an NF, but I'm an NT and even I can set aside my rationality to feel for a little bit.

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Old 05-18-2010, 10:02 AM   #19
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"you know, you could still change."

"But why would I?"

(had to say it)

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Old 05-18-2010, 01:46 PM   #20
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  Originally Posted by InfiniteLoop
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That does help quite a lot, actually.
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Always glad to be of service!
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  Originally Posted by InfiniteLoop
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I'll try finding a time when we can talk and she's not stressed (which seems like never, since *everything* apparently stresses her out and she and I both have a generalized anxiety disorder and we both tend to freak out over things easily) and talk with her; I have tried talking with her in the past, but it always seems to spiral out of control somewhere and then she gets upset, I try to explain, and then she flips out *more* because she takes it so personally. I honestly think she's just stressed that I'm leaving the nest and she won't admit it. I've been trying not to get upset about the chores - I know I have to do them, but isn't it a little ridiculous of her to get upset if I happen to be an hour or two off a few nights in a row or I honestly forget?

My mum does that, too. I wonder if it's an INFJ thing.

She's wound up pretty tight, eh? Do you know what she does for relaxation? Some well-placed relaxation might help ease the discussion. If it turns into a fight, the best thing to do might be to simply get up and leave, because the more your mother associates that kind of discussion with getting wound up, the more difficult it'll be to get her to even contemplate having the discussion. Oh, and whatever you do, do NOT tell her to calm down. It the single most infuriating thing that people who are upset can possibly be told. XD

  Originally Posted by InfiniteLoop
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She keeps saying I have this 'sassy tone'. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't really change my 'sassy tone' when you find every tone I use to be sassy. I try being sweet, I try being nice, I try being firm - all of it is 'sassy' to her. She also constantly tells me how I'm getting in a 'fight' with her when all I was doing was having a simple talk with my stepmother. Just tonight my stepmother brought up something about not sharing nose spray because we're all just reinfecting ourselves. I disagreed, thinking she was referring to the same virus. We were having a talk, not a debate, and just because I started questioning and pointing out where I differed from my stepmother (who wasn't getting angry and wasn't telling me to back off), my mother blew up and told us to 'stop fighting'. We weren't even fighting! Neither of us were even remotely angry in tone! I pointed this out, but the damage was done. I don't know why she thinks I always want to 'fight' with everyone when I'm actually only having a calm discussion. My little sister's started to pick up on my mom's bad habit of calling it 'fighting', too. I don't know how much of this is my mom's stress and how much of it is her still feeling like a victim. Am I crazy to think that she needs to calm down and set her feelings aside for just a moment? I know she's an NF, but I'm an NT and even I can set aside my rationality to feel for a little bit.

Some* very pronounced Feelers interpret all form of disagreement as fighting (and as such, you're "sassy" as long as you're disagreeing, tone be damned). Sounds like your mother is one of them. This'd be especially difficult to understand from an INTJ perspective, since we love to disagree (but not to "fight" emotionally, which is what some Fs will do when confronted with our T debating). There's a clear communication gap here, where you view it as discussion and she views it as personal attacks.

The best you can do is try to understand that she views disagreements as "fights" because they're very personal to her, and to try to get her to understand (gently, since she feels that debating is fighting) that for you, disagreements aren't personal at all.

Come to think of it, don't INTJs tend to respect people we can debate with MORE? I certainly do. Actually, if you indicate that it's a sign of respect and liking for you to engage in that kind of discussion, she might be more receptive to it (since it's flattering, at least...).

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Old 05-21-2010, 07:37 PM   #21
Thinktress
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Give someone enough rope and they'll either make a ladder or a noose.
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,134
 
Aggghhh! I wish everyone put certain info on their profiles. But anyway. How old are you? This might just be kind of age appropriate that happens with some people your age sometimes. If you're in your teens/early 20's you may find that you want to be around your family a lot more later after you get married, have children (if you have children). Anyway, that was definitely the case with me.
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Old 02-26-2011, 05:03 PM   #22
momof3grls
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MBTI: INFJ
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
 
I know this is an old thread, but thought I would add my two cents anyway...

I am an INFJ and my middle daughter is an INTJ. She happens to be my favorite kid, well, if I had one, she would be it. I love all of my children equally
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But, really, we get along so well. My oldest is an ENFJ, and she is great, but a little sensitive. My youngest is an ENFP, full of energy and fun, but exhausting. My children are still relatively young, so I don't know what the teen years hold... but as of know I love that she doesn't drain my energy - at all. A rarity given my other two have extremely high social needs. She hardly cried as a baby, my other two were colicky (not really their fault, but it seems the tendency to easily cry as stayed with them). I don't hurt her feelings when talking to her, its great. I always try to be gentle, but its just nice that she isn't so sensitive. I love talking to her and I appreciate so much about her personality; her ready willingness to do her homework, her conscientiousness, her sense of humor, her stubbornness (yes, even her unwillingness to compromise her ideals. though that might be the only drawback in some situations. i.e. she's not doing what I want her to do. hehe. but I still appreciate that quality in her). And the list goes on...

My best friend in the world is an INTJ - and we get along great. Sure at times she has been known to hurt my feelings; but its minor, given I completely understand what the INTJ person is motivated by, etc. It is clear as day that she has no intention of hurting my feelings, and if I communicate that I want to talk to her more often (or whatever) she makes concerted efforts to reach out. You get the picture. Also, I dated a guy (before my current husband) who was an INTJ. I loved him for so many reason, obviously we were not right for each other, but I still respect him very much.

The thing is - you have to understand the INTJ. They come across arrogant - all the time. And, usually, they're not trying to be arrogant; and would gladly tell you when they think you are competent at something, and easily give a list of all they do not know. And sure, like most sensing types, they seem to have more of a one-sided view of things, than the INFJ does anyway - and that can be irritating. However, if they are well-developed, with a more in-depth conversation they will usually be willing to see the other-side of things. Usually.

I think it really depends on the individuals that you are dealing with. Its not strictly INFJ vs INTJ. I am not a controlling mother. I do see how I could slip into a controlling role easily, by nature. However, I have tried to always take a less controlling parenting role. I like to let my kids made mistakes and discussions and then let the consequences follow. Its work well for me so far. I also try to respect my kids space and their individual needs. I also feel that I give my kids a real voice in our home, and in decision making. I don't nag and I don't manipulate. I am sure this is one reason why my INTJ daughter and I get along wonderfully. She has been a joy to raise. I respect so much about her nature, gifts and spirit.

Also, it might help to note, both INTJ's and INFJ's have an emphasis on their i"N"tuition. They share an intuitive way of viewing the world, and rely heavily on their intuitions. INFJ's though feeling types are not run by their Feeling function. My INFP mother is, and it is torturous. But, again, that is an individual thing, too. After all, Isabel Myers-Briggs herself was an INFP. My mom is just not very well developed. It may help to look at your type and "personal growth"; just google INFJ or INTJ and personal growth. Very helpful. Perhaps there are some neglected tendencies underlying the situation. Perhaps the INFJ mother has other issues (abuse victim, depression, mid life crisis... who knows). Perhaps the INTJ is using her/his preference for being a 'rational' to justify ignoring another's needs (just because you don't value how another person feels doesn't mean you should not take it upon you to try to show compassion and cooth). To me, it sounds like more than just type differences going on here. And to anyone reading this who has an INFJmom/INTJdaughter mix - take hope. Some of my favorite people are INTJ's.

---------- Post added 02-26-2011 at 04:07 PM ----------

a lot of typos. this reply was rushed. but you get the gist...
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