INTJ's can be charismatic!

**IcNjThJ** · 05-07-2010, 05:09 PM

We tend to be cold-hearted creatures and almost extreme lone-wolfs yet, at least in my case, people seem to be generally friendly towards me. Granted, I only have about 2 "friends" (= people I use to not make myself look like a loner when I go out to bars...) but all of my acquaintances or even people I meet at the cafe seem to really enjoy talking to me. This really does make me believe that we INTJ's can be social (or at least appear to be which is just as imporant) when we NEED to be.

I feel like my brain is set up like a computer program when in public and set up something like this:

if people -> smile and maintain good posture
if no people -> half smile and maintain good posture

(by the way I constantly force myself to do this, I used to be an ultra-serious slouch who didn't even want to say hi to people growing up but changed this for the better)

if engaging a person or a person engages me -> look in to eyes and smile, talk, and make a quick joke ASAP

if conversation continues -> continue smiling and maintaining good posture....

and so on.....

Basically I was at a cafe today reading and doing work alone and met a cool guy. He asked me if I knew a good place to get margaritas and I told him I don't know and made a joke about it. We then talked for about a good hour (granted I didn't care for this considering he was taking away valuable info-gathering time away from me) and he seemed to really enjoy talking to me and vice versa. The guy then had to go....

But occurrences like this have been happening a lot to me recently because of these steps I've been taking. I'm being really superficial most of the time since I can only take so much small talking but, I do feel like this change I'm making in my life is ultimately necessary for me to succeed since it will potentially increase my network and add to my inherent leadership skills.

I'm really making this post for those INTJ's that are maybe having trouble believing that they can be social and therefore giving themselves grief over it (especially teenage INTJ's). A good smile in any situation can go a long way, plus it can display some alpha-ability. Once you do it a few times it becomes easily routine, no matter how much you hate doing it, but in the end you might be glad. We have no choice but to live in a mostly extroverted world....

**Monte314** · 05-07-2010, 05:12 PM

Meyers-Briggs categories are more about your preferences, practices, and methods than your capabilities. While these often go hand-in-hand, it is possible to be good at something you'd rather not do.

**temi** · 05-07-2010, 06:14 PM

So do you smile at someone across the room? Or just if someone is approaching you. And is it a toothy smile? Or just a lip curls upward smile? Do you smile first? Or in response?

I, too, find that people generally enjoy me if I choose to remain engaged with them. I just fear smiling because they might approach me and then... engage in... small talk. And that makes my anxiety rise like crazy because I hate small talk and I'm terrible at it.

**bloozie** · 05-08-2010, 01:13 AM

I always have a nice smirk on my face whenever I approach people. I find myself talking to whomever about anything and I end up making them smile back or laughing at a joke that I just said. To be honest, I'm starting to wonder if I am considered an INTJ because lately I have been socially active in terms of initiating conversations and just talking way too much.
And yes, I have noticed that people are generally nice towards me and it may be that I have a certain charismatic personality that they like.

**Blse** · 05-08-2010, 01:44 AM

Charisma doesn't require too much smiling actually. For instance, I conduct surveys among my students twice a semester (for the past 1.5 years). I am always rated strongly for charmismatic (and overall median rating of 9.0 where 10 is "very charismatic" where n=56). Yet, I'm only the mid-range for friendly (a median rating of 6.8 on those same surveys. Charisma has more to do with being engaging, expressive, out-spoken confident and take-charge. It's about being quick, being able to naturally bust peoples' balls, making them laugh. It's something that shouldn't be too hard to TJs. A charismatic person isn't always that sweet or nice, they may even be gruff at times. What makes them charismatic is the strenght of their personality, having a strong presence that is felt by everyone.

**Gobbbler** · 05-09-2010, 08:57 PM

I'm at least mildly charismatic. I make friends all over. I read how to win friends and influence people. Or at least the first few chapters, that seemed to be enough. They told you to smile. Anyway, I don't mind small talk because people are useful sources of information. Most conversations wind up with me grilling people on anything interesting they actually know. I have learned to make it seem less like an interview and rather unlike a grilling. People like to talk about themselves or what they know. Often I give them information that seems useful to them. I do like meeting people. I had to learn it because my career & education keep taking me to new cities where I know almost nobody. Also, broadening one's social circle increases the number of available women one meets and other opportunities.

**Marcus Septim** · 05-09-2010, 11:08 PM

Ofc we can be charming,ask SelfMadeBum she knows all about it
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**TigerL** · 05-09-2010, 11:32 PM

Originally Posted by Gobbbler
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Anyway, I don't mind small talk because people are useful sources of information. Most conversations wind up with me grilling people on anything interesting they actually know. I have learned to make it seem less like an interview and rather unlike a grilling. People like to talk about themselves or what they know. Often I give them information that seems useful to them. I do like meeting people. I had to learn it because my career & education keep taking me to new cities where I know almost nobody. Also, broadening one's social circle increases the number of available women one meets and other opportunities.

This is true and I do a similar thing. Just let people talk, give a few confirmations once in while that you're listening; if they happen to talk about something you want to know more about, pump them for information, but politely.

I have a lot of diverse interests so usually there is at least one topic I can talk to them about in detail. Some friends have actually commented to me that "You can talk to anyone" and have used me to lubricate the conversation at social events. I can do it but I can't do it for long or too often as I get tired. (True definition of "introversion.") It's only after people know me for a while that they realize I can give the impression of openness without actually revealing much about myself unless you are a close friend.

I think it also helps that I'm older and thus more balanced in my traits.

**themuzicman** · 05-10-2010, 05:39 AM

I think for INTJs, a lot has to do with what we're willing to sacrifice and put up with in order to accommodate others. The OP is obviously willing to put up with some small talk in order to smooth over social relations, and that is a skill any INTJ can develop.

**El Cas** · 05-10-2010, 06:03 AM

I agree with TMM, social skills can be developed and perfected by INTJ (my library on social interaction should serve as proof
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). But the problem I have sometimes had is that when I smile (grin no teeth) I have been told that I have sharks smile. I may give a friendly and slightly charismatic vibe but that smile can make people a bit weary (I guess I need to learn how to control my INTJ thoughts from comprimising me
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)

**Gobbbler** · 05-10-2010, 09:13 AM

Yeah, I actually think that I developed the listening to boring stuff skill early because my mother will rattle on and on and on and... She was going through menopause while I was under 18 and even interrupting her to say you had to go to the bathroom could result in a couple days of her wrath. So I begrudgingly learned to sit through one sided conversations. Compared to that, small talk isn't bad because other people usually give you a chance to guide the conversation to something you want to talk about... something less small.

**Distance** · 05-10-2010, 10:00 AM

Good social skills aren't always introversion or extroversion related. This part of the dichotomy is where you source your energy from, rather than how you relate externally. There's a goodly share of INTJs on this site who are witty and entertaining.

**Fox** · 05-11-2010, 08:53 AM

Being entertaining on a Message board has nothing to do with the real world.

INTJ can be charming but for me it depends on the crowd. I was cracking one liners with some coworkers all day the other day. Could do that because we are all the same age or younger in the basic same situation. With a different more older or conservative crowd I find it harder to be charming.

**Dreiko** · 05-11-2010, 09:33 AM

I had this communication class where you had to give a few minute long speech each week. I aced every one without rehearsal by simply choosing subjects I knew I could speak 5 minutes about in an engaging manner. From this, I figured that I could do the whole "outgoing" thing, though it was more like I was playing a role rather than me being myself when I'm trying to explain something to someone.

**Seriously** · 05-11-2010, 09:38 AM

Look intently into people's eyes. Smile and nod. Interject a short insightful comment that cuts right to the crux of the matter. Of course we are charismatic, it's part of our allure.

**rbc** · 05-12-2010, 06:49 PM

	Originally Posted by Monte314 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Meyers-Briggs categories are more about your preferences, practices, and methods than your capabilities. While these often go hand-in-hand, it is possible to be good at something you'd rather not do.

I am very charismatic, and a good actor, which makes me better able to survive as a severe Introvert in a sadly Extraverted world. I only realized this when I was about 20, while trying to understand how my father (even more Introverted than I am) could manage to be mayor of our town of 20,000. I figured out that he was playing the role of a shallow Extravert, and holding it at arm's length, using it as a safety device (like a chemist's tongs) to interact with the world without letting it get too close. Most people met the shallow exterior, decided that was all there was, and then interacted with the role. This greatly increased the feeling of safety, because it meant they never learned enough to be dangerous. Once I understood that in him, I realized I do it myself, almost subconsciously.

**Gobbbler** · 05-13-2010, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by rbc
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I am very charismatic, and a good actor, which makes me better able to survive as a severe Introvert in a sadly Extraverted world. I only realized this when I was about 20, while trying to understand how my father (even more Introverted than I am) could manage to be mayor of our town of 20,000. I figured out that he was playing the role of a shallow Extravert, and holding it at arm's length, using it as a safety device (like a chemist's tongs) to interact with the world without letting it get too close. Most people met the shallow exterior, decided that was all there was, and then interacted with the role. This greatly increased the feeling of safety, because it meant they never learned enough to be dangerous. Once I understood that in him, I realized I do it myself, almost subconsciously.

I think this is a very good point. While I don't know that I would say I am very charismatic, I have definitely learned the shallow Extravert role. I can really only do it under certain circumstances - in others I am helplessly Introverted. It's mainly a work/professional circles thing.

**Anima Mundi** · 05-13-2010, 06:20 PM

	Originally Posted by Gobbbler To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think this is a very good point. While I don't know that I would say I am very charismatic, I have definitely learned the shallow Extravert role. I can really only do it under certain circumstances - in others I am helplessly Introverted. It's mainly a work/professional circles thing.

This is something I'm in the process of learning (even though I'm not a TJ.) I've been reading up on some things, but Dale Carnegie makes my eyes bleed. The works of Robert Greene have been much more useful and jive with my inner self. I don't like meeting new people but I've learned to not let onto this fact; I find I can tolerate it better when it's strictly for professional purposes like networking events. I'm trying to be more of the "shallow extrovert" at work and when out and about in public.

**Marcia555** · 05-13-2010, 06:34 PM

Are INTJ's so cold, unsociable? I don't think so.
For me... I can be very social when I want to be, or when I have to be. I read the room, read the vibes, faces.
I adapt like a cameleon. Depends on the general mood of the event, my mood and the purpose I'm there.
I can be the life of the party or a wallflower... comfortable with both. I don't feel the need to impress for sure.

**fabby** · 05-13-2010, 08:33 PM

	Originally Posted by themuzicman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think for INTJs, a lot has to do with what we're willing to sacrifice and put up with in order to accommodate others. The OP is obviously willing to put up with some small talk in order to smooth over social relations, and that is a skill any INTJ can develop.

Definitely second this! I hate small talk, I find it to be an annoying awkward dance that you're forced to perform before an actual conversation happens... But I will participate in small talk if I think the conversation following will be worth it.

	Originally Posted by Fox To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	INTJ can be charming but for me it depends on the crowd. I was cracking one liners with some coworkers all day the other day. Could do that because we are all the same age or younger in the basic same situation. With a different more older or conservative crowd I find it harder to be charming.

Yes!!! Could not agree more with you. When I'm around my peers I'm very witty and actually much more articulate than when in the company of adults... Upon analyzing why I do this, my suspicion is it's due to having it ground into my brain from a very young age by various adults that younger people don't have anything interesting to say nor do they know anything, therefore should be quiet. My mother doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes (she's a genius, but literally has no idea that I'm not serious, no matter how outlandish the sarcastic comment or joke is) so she also created the impression if I cracked a joke in front of someone much older than me they'd become very offended.

**Gobbbler** · 05-14-2010, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by fabby
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Yes!!! Could not agree more with you. When I'm around my peers I'm very witty and actually much more articulate than when in the company of adults... Upon analyzing why I do this, my suspicion is it's due to having it ground into my brain from a very young age by various adults that younger people don't have anything interesting to say nor do they know anything, therefore should be quiet. My mother doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes (she's a genius, but literally has no idea that I'm not serious, no matter how outlandish the sarcastic comment or joke is) so she also created the impression if I cracked a joke in front of someone much older than me they'd become very offended.

I know what you mean. I think mine is more about people not getting my sense of humor right away. One time I had an internship after a period of relative isolation because of an injury, so I was a bit reservedly witty and such and I was told at the end that everybody thought I was just weird and didn't know what to make of it at first... until they started getting that I was joking (I deadpan well I'm told). Among close friends I can even be the life of the gathering in short stints. Other people, quite frankly, are just not sharp enough to make the connections. Now I've learned (subconsciously) to test people with a few low dose remarks and if they get them & like them, I loosen up more.

05-07-2010, 05:09 PM	#1
IcNjThJ Member [04%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 182	We tend to be cold-hearted creatures and almost extreme lone-wolfs yet, at least in my case, people seem to be generally friendly towards me. Granted, I only have about 2 "friends" (= people I use to not make myself look like a loner when I go out to bars...) but all of my acquaintances or even people I meet at the cafe seem to really enjoy talking to me. This really does make me believe that we INTJ's can be social (or at least appear to be which is just as imporant) when we NEED to be. I feel like my brain is set up like a computer program when in public and set up something like this: if people -> smile and maintain good posture if no people -> half smile and maintain good posture (by the way I constantly force myself to do this, I used to be an ultra-serious slouch who didn't even want to say hi to people growing up but changed this for the better) if engaging a person or a person engages me -> look in to eyes and smile, talk, and make a quick joke ASAP if conversation continues -> continue smiling and maintaining good posture.... and so on..... Basically I was at a cafe today reading and doing work alone and met a cool guy. He asked me if I knew a good place to get margaritas and I told him I don't know and made a joke about it. We then talked for about a good hour (granted I didn't care for this considering he was taking away valuable info-gathering time away from me) and he seemed to really enjoy talking to me and vice versa. The guy then had to go.... But occurrences like this have been happening a lot to me recently because of these steps I've been taking. I'm being really superficial most of the time since I can only take so much small talking but, I do feel like this change I'm making in my life is ultimately necessary for me to succeed since it will potentially increase my network and add to my inherent leadership skills. I'm really making this post for those INTJ's that are maybe having trouble believing that they can be social and therefore giving themselves grief over it (especially teenage INTJ's). A good smile in any situation can go a long way, plus it can display some alpha-ability. Once you do it a few times it becomes easily routine, no matter how much you hate doing it, but in the end you might be glad. We have no choice but to live in a mostly extroverted world....
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05-07-2010, 05:12 PM	#2
Monte314 Core Member [412%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 16,501	Meyers-Briggs categories are more about your preferences, practices, and methods than your capabilities. While these often go hand-in-hand, it is possible to be good at something you'd rather not do.
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05-07-2010, 06:14 PM	#3
temi Member [10%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 410	So do you smile at someone across the room? Or just if someone is approaching you. And is it a toothy smile? Or just a lip curls upward smile? Do you smile first? Or in response? I, too, find that people generally enjoy me if I choose to remain engaged with them. I just fear smiling because they might approach me and then... engage in... small talk. And that makes my anxiety rise like crazy because I hate small talk and I'm terrible at it.
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05-08-2010, 01:13 AM	#4
bloozie New Member [01%] MBTI: xNTp Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 23	I always have a nice smirk on my face whenever I approach people. I find myself talking to whomever about anything and I end up making them smile back or laughing at a joke that I just said. To be honest, I'm starting to wonder if I am considered an INTJ because lately I have been socially active in terms of initiating conversations and just talking way too much. And yes, I have noticed that people are generally nice towards me and it may be that I have a certain charismatic personality that they like.
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05-08-2010, 01:44 AM	#5
Blse Core Member [125%] MBTI: ENTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 5,030	Charisma doesn't require too much smiling actually. For instance, I conduct surveys among my students twice a semester (for the past 1.5 years). I am always rated strongly for charmismatic (and overall median rating of 9.0 where 10 is "very charismatic" where n=56). Yet, I'm only the mid-range for friendly (a median rating of 6.8 on those same surveys. Charisma has more to do with being engaging, expressive, out-spoken confident and take-charge. It's about being quick, being able to naturally bust peoples' balls, making them laugh. It's something that shouldn't be too hard to TJs. A charismatic person isn't always that sweet or nice, they may even be gruff at times. What makes them charismatic is the strenght of their personality, having a strong presence that is felt by everyone.
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05-09-2010, 08:57 PM	#6
Gobbbler Member [21%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 867	I'm at least mildly charismatic. I make friends all over. I read how to win friends and influence people. Or at least the first few chapters, that seemed to be enough. They told you to smile. Anyway, I don't mind small talk because people are useful sources of information. Most conversations wind up with me grilling people on anything interesting they actually know. I have learned to make it seem less like an interview and rather unlike a grilling. People like to talk about themselves or what they know. Often I give them information that seems useful to them. I do like meeting people. I had to learn it because my career & education keep taking me to new cities where I know almost nobody. Also, broadening one's social circle increases the number of available women one meets and other opportunities.
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05-09-2010, 11:08 PM	#7
Marcus Septim Suspended MBTI: ISTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 4,354	Ofc we can be charming,ask SelfMadeBum she knows all about it To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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05-10-2010, 05:39 AM	#9
themuzicman Core Member [288%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 11,532	I think for INTJs, a lot has to do with what we're willing to sacrifice and put up with in order to accommodate others. The OP is obviously willing to put up with some small talk in order to smooth over social relations, and that is a skill any INTJ can develop.
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05-10-2010, 06:03 AM	#10
El Cas Veteran Member [65%] MBTI: InTj Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,610	I agree with TMM, social skills can be developed and perfected by INTJ (my library on social interaction should serve as proof To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ). But the problem I have sometimes had is that when I smile (grin no teeth) I have been told that I have sharks smile. I may give a friendly and slightly charismatic vibe but that smile can make people a bit weary (I guess I need to learn how to control my INTJ thoughts from comprimising me To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. )
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05-10-2010, 09:13 AM	#11
Gobbbler Member [21%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 867	Yeah, I actually think that I developed the listening to boring stuff skill early because my mother will rattle on and on and on and... She was going through menopause while I was under 18 and even interrupting her to say you had to go to the bathroom could result in a couple days of her wrath. So I begrudgingly learned to sit through one sided conversations. Compared to that, small talk isn't bad because other people usually give you a chance to guide the conversation to something you want to talk about... something less small.
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05-10-2010, 10:00 AM	#12
Distance Core Member [418%] MBTI: eNTj Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 16,731	Good social skills aren't always introversion or extroversion related. This part of the dichotomy is where you source your energy from, rather than how you relate externally. There's a goodly share of INTJs on this site who are witty and entertaining.
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05-11-2010, 08:53 AM	#13
Fox Member [46%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 1,842	Being entertaining on a Message board has nothing to do with the real world. INTJ can be charming but for me it depends on the crowd. I was cracking one liners with some coworkers all day the other day. Could do that because we are all the same age or younger in the basic same situation. With a different more older or conservative crowd I find it harder to be charming.
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05-11-2010, 09:33 AM	#14
Dreiko New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 24	I had this communication class where you had to give a few minute long speech each week. I aced every one without rehearsal by simply choosing subjects I knew I could speak 5 minutes about in an engaging manner. From this, I figured that I could do the whole "outgoing" thing, though it was more like I was playing a role rather than me being myself when I'm trying to explain something to someone.
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05-11-2010, 09:38 AM	#15
Seriously Core Member [497%] MBTI: ISTP Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 19,884	Look intently into people's eyes. Smile and nod. Interject a short insightful comment that cuts right to the crux of the matter. Of course we are charismatic, it's part of our allure.
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05-13-2010, 06:34 PM	#19
Marcia555 New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 18	Are INTJ's so cold, unsociable? I don't think so. For me... I can be very social when I want to be, or when I have to be. I read the room, read the vibes, faces. I adapt like a cameleon. Depends on the general mood of the event, my mood and the purpose I'm there. I can be the life of the party or a wallflower... comfortable with both. I don't feel the need to impress for sure.
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