INFP Ebb and Flow - Page 9

**JTG** · 07-29-2010, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by Tkae
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The best advice I could ever give anyone when it comes to INFPs is to never give up. Just keep being patient, because we need to move at our own pace. And that pace is usually very slow, almost to the point of feeling like you're not getting anywhere.

You are, though. If people are talking to me, I don't think it's possible for me to not build up a connection with them. There's never really been a person who's gone out of their way to talk to me that I think was just an ordinary person.

So you'll get there, in time =)

I know this to be true, but it's still nice to see somebody say it and affirm my beliefs. I was feeling very discouraged about my INFP recently. For a while lately, she hadn't seemed like she wanted to talk to me at all, but we talked yesterday and had a little heartwarming moment at the end of the call. It was nice. Dunno if she's still interested in me romantically, but i'm glad we still share some level of closeness.

**Murky Muse** · 07-29-2010, 07:23 PM

Originally Posted by Tkae
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Honestly, it's usually after things get started. Most of the friends I've made are people who can stay under the radar until they can get close to me, and not mind that I freak out when I finally spot them.

So it's very little progress, but repeated exposure that gets it anywhere.

But even after being friends for years, I can still slip into periods where I just don't feel like talking to them. It's not that they've done anything, it's just how I feel at the time.

The best advice I could ever give anyone when it comes to INFPs is to never give up. Just keep being patient, because we need to move at our own pace. And that pace is usually very slow, almost to the point of feeling like you're not getting anywhere.

You are, though. If people are talking to me, I don't think it's possible for me to not build up a connection with them. There's never really been a person who's gone out of their way to talk to me that I think was just an ordinary person.

So you'll get there, in time =)

Understand the slipping into moods where you don't want to talk to people. I, and probably most INTJs (or just Is), do that too.

So you think that after being officially rejected I still shouldn't give up?

Also my plan didn't go very well. After today, I don't feel ignored so I can't really complain.

I had a really crappy day, and while I resisted at first I ended up calling him because like I said earilier: right now he is my social life; I didn't have anyone else to turn to. Just to reference how bad my day was: I, who my friends joke about having a blackhole instead of a heart, nearly starting crying in the middle of a coffee shop. The look on his face almost made it worth it; he was clearly thinking something along the lines of "oh crap, what do I do if she cries?"...For the record I didn't, just came close.

He then proceeded to subtly cheer me up. By which I mean he did things he doesn't normally do (making sure he was the one to open most doors, helping me run an errand- okay, this one isn't that uncommon but he didn't have to, carrying something that while heavy wasn't so heavy that I couldn't) and just doing things he knows I like (going the 'scenic' route around a park). And he may have noticed I don't really eat when upset because he kind of nagged me about making sure I ate enough. Basically, I got showered in attention.

...Darn it, using my own attraction towards him to cheer me up. If it didn't make me so happy, I might be offended (note: this part is a joke; I doubt he consciously thought it out, at least not it such a manipulative sounding way).

**Tkae** · 07-29-2010, 08:19 PM

Originally Posted by Murky Muse
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Understand the slipping into moods where you don't want to talk to people. I, and probably most INTJs (or just Is), do that too.

So you think that after being officially rejected I still shouldn't give up?

Also my plan didn't go very well. After today, I don't feel ignored so I can't really complain.

I had a really crappy day, and while I resisted at first I ended up calling him because like I said earilier: right now he is my social life; I didn't have anyone else to turn to. Just to reference how bad my day was: I, who my friends joke about having a blackhole instead of a heart, nearly starting crying in the middle of a coffee shop. The look on his face almost made it worth it; he was clearly thinking something along the lines of "oh crap, what do I do if she cries?"...For the record I didn't, just came close.

He then proceeded to subtly cheer me up. By which I mean he did things he doesn't normally do (making sure he was the one to open most doors, helping me run an errand- okay, this one isn't that uncommon but he didn't have to, carrying something that while heavy wasn't so heavy that I couldn't) and just doing things he knows I like (going the 'scenic' route around a park). And he may have noticed I don't really eat when upset because he kind of nagged me about making sure I ate enough. Basically, I got showered in attention.

...Darn it, using my own attraction towards him to cheer me up. If it didn't make me so happy, I might be offended (note: this part is a joke; I doubt he consciously thought it out, at least not it such a manipulative sounding way).

Even at the very worst of my moods, it absolutely kills me to think about hurting others. I just had my first relationship a month or two ago, and it ended in a disaster. It was just like a sudden realization one night that I was in a relationship, and I'm not quite healed from [insert childhood family problems that scarred me and left me unable to handle deep interpersonal relationships here], but even from the depths of panic attacks I made sure to say to them every night that it wasn't their fault and that it was me. We're still best friends.

But even if they're not someone that important to me, I can't just turn off the feelings and not care about anyone anymore.

That, and I find that I'm at my best when I'm helping other people deal with their problems and emotions. It's actually how me and my SO got together. They were having a really hard time with losing a close friend from a huge fight and trying to make it through their last year of High School, and I just went into autopilot helping them through it all.

Or even if my mom gets really upset from stress and starts to fold, that's the only time I ever have energy to actually get up and do things around the house. Usually I'm a sloth. I move maybe enough to use the bathroom, take a shower, get a drink, and slink back to bed. But when I can tell I'm needed, that's when all the energy I never have suddenly appears and then I can walk for miles and pick up bags of feed and fix fences and stuff. It's just where my source of energy is. And when I know I'm doing something that's helping people -- even if it's just an essay about how hard life is for African kids, and teaching classmates or a professor about the topic -- I actually get excited and overachieve.

So I definitely get surges of energy with helping people who are having difficult times.

So if he's anything like me, it could be for either, if not both, of those reasons.

I'll offer as much advice to you as I can. I hope things work out between you two
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I think I missed the post about your personal situation, so I'll make sure to go back and read it!

**Murky Muse** · 07-29-2010, 09:22 PM

So you're saying he might have acted that way because 1) even if he doesn't like me, he still cares about me as a person 2) he lives for helping people and I just happened to need help this afternoon 3) both.

And here's the full picture (some of which I don't thing I've mentioned before): He pretty much started our relationship outside of being friends by asking me to a formal event our college was holding last spring. It seemed to go in the direction that we would start dating, but then he started brushing me off and acting distant. When I confronted him about it- stating that I liked him and how he was acting was hurting me-, he replied that he never meant to act that way but that he had realized we wouldn't work out and that he wasn't ready for a relationship right now. After a bit of a break from each other, we started hanging out again under the understanding that we're just friends. Except I still get mixed signals from him.

**Tkae** · 07-29-2010, 10:27 PM

Originally Posted by Murky Muse
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So you're saying he might have acted that way because 1) even if he doesn't like me, he still cares about me as a person 2) he lives for helping people and I just happened to need help this afternoon 3) both.

And here's the full picture (some of which I don't thing I've mentioned before): He pretty much started our relationship outside of being friends by asking me to a formal event our college was holding last spring. It seemed to go in the direction that we would start dating, but then he started brushing me off and acting distant. When I confronted him about it- stating that I liked him and how he was acting was hurting me-, he replied that he never meant to act that way but that he had realized we wouldn't work out and that he wasn't ready for a relationship right now. After a bit of a break from each other, we started hanging out again under the understanding that we're just friends. Except I still get mixed signals from him.

That's actually a lot like what happened to me.

But to me, they're still very important. Like I said (somewhere, idk if it was here), there's never anyone that's not important to me once they get to that level. It takes a lot to finally manage to break the emotions I feel for a person.

Me and my SO are still best friends, even after my little freakout.

I didn't mean to imply that he'd do it just because you're an ordinary person. I wouldn't have stuck around during panic attacks to make sure they were okay during it all if I didn't care. And I think he's in the same position. He definitely still cares about you to want to still be friends.

And for me, I can deeply love someone as a friend and not want a romantic relationship to ruin that. The Greek concept of love (the four kinds of love and all that) very much applies to me. Just because he doesn't want to date you doesn't mean his love for you isn't just as strong. It just means it's different than in a romantic way =)

I love my best friend much more as a friend than I ever could when we were in a relationship.

He definitely cares though *hugs*

**Allen3373** · 08-02-2010, 09:12 AM

Alright, I know, I've been bad and haven't updated you all. Partly procrastination, partly been busy :-P

So Wednesday went really well. She found the note on top of her trailer, went to the coffee shop we frequented when we first started hanging out. There, I had a note and her favorite flowers (orange gerber daisies) that she girl working there gave her right when she walked in. Apparently she was very confused (I called to make sure she had gotten there on time) and walked out with the stuff LOL.

The note just had a nice little bit about how I've enjoyed getting to know her, blah blah blah. I don't remember exactly what I said. But it sent her to a pub, where we officially started dating. She picked it up from the front desk, which she had to wait in line for a while for! hehe. I think that only increased the excitement of finding out what was going on though. In that note I told her I wanted to have her go there because that is where we started going out officially, and probably some other gooey stuff as well :-P I'm a guy, give me a break on remembering here!

That note sent her to a wine shop (all of this was downtown and near each other). it just said there was something to pick up at that address. She actually had to text me ('Sorry I am texting you, but..' lol. I think she was disappointed to have to text me and lighten the mystery a bit, but oh well) because apparently the address I put on there was for the whole block (really old building) and not for the specific place. Oh well. Anyways, that's when I said that it had been 6 months that we had been dating, and that she should come meet me in the park, just a few blocks away. ((Edit: Also, with this note, I had a single red rose, her other favorite flower, which is convenient!))

When she came around the corner, she couldn't quite keep her smile hidden. Actually, it was pretty obviously there, and for once I think she didn't completely mind showing her excitement at the situation (you know, she usually tries to 'play it cool' haha). She had those big, open wide INFP eyes even bigger than usual, and said that she really, really liked it and that it was very sweet.

We walked from there to a nice restaurant a few blocks away, and had a nice meal.

It turned out very well, and I am quite pleased with myself :-P

**WoodsWoman** · 08-02-2010, 07:06 PM

You done good, boy, real good. *grin*

**katrin** · 08-03-2010, 08:26 PM

Allen, this is wonderful news.
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May I ask: did you get a chance to broach the subject of the plane ticket? If so, how did she respond?

**Allen3373** · 08-03-2010, 08:33 PM

	Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Allen, this is wonderful news. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. May I ask: did you get a chance to broach the subject of the plane ticket? If so, how did she respond?

Oh, right! Thanks for reminding me. I didn't need to. Before I got to that topic, she told me that that plan was out, because the people she was going with aren't able to go. The original plan, which is about 9 months out, is the one she's going to work towards. That's also the one that she invited me to go on. And she brought that up again, asking if I was still interested in going :-)

**SereCompostela** · 08-04-2010, 06:38 AM

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	The original plan, which is about 9 months out, is the one she's going to work towards. That's also the one that she invited me to go on. And she brought that up again, asking if I was still interested in going :-)

This is a BIG thing! Congrats! So happy for you!!
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I'm beginning to wonder if you even need our help anymore
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You're doing great!
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**FeelTheNoise** · 08-04-2010, 06:44 AM

I don't have much to offer. Personally, given where I've been the last three years with an ISFP -- I'd be soooooooo happy to have someone asking me questions like the one she's asking you
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.

Remember that, as INTJ, you probably have that quirky 'independence of mind' thing going on. Sometimes we need to learn to be flexible about how we perceive others and their ways of processing information.

**katrin** · 08-04-2010, 07:10 AM

So, Allen, are you going?
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Will your business partner be able to hold down the fort?

**Allen3373** · 08-04-2010, 11:26 AM

	Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So, Allen, are you going? To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Will your business partner be able to hold down the fort?

I have every intention of going, but, to make a long story short, that's a long time away. And there are a few legal things I have to figure out with the business as to how long I can stay away, etc etc. But I don't see why I can't go for at least part of the time.

I'm going to make it work :-)

---------- Post added 08-04-2010 at 11:27 AM ----------

Originally Posted by SereCompostela
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This is a BIG thing! Congrats! So happy for you!!
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I'm beginning to wonder if you even need our help anymore
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You're doing great!
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Aww.. Thanks, Sere :-D I'm sure I'll have a question here and a question there, but yes, I think I'm doing quite well :-P

**Murky Muse** · 08-20-2010, 07:22 PM

I'm pulling this thread back.

Today was the first time I saw the INFP that I'm hopelessly in love with in but who rejected me after two and a half weeks. During that time we only had two very brief texting conversations...I resisted being the first to contact for once.

My roommate and I got back to the college and were moving in. We texted him like promised, and he kind of just appeared in our room in between unloading trips. After finishing unpacking the three of us ate lunch, where he rather purposely sat by me, and then hung out for a while. We later randomly met up again at the carnival our college was hosting. Even after my roommate left and I (weakly) tried to sneak off to do my own thing, he followed. Despite the fact he could have been hanging out with any of his other friends.

I really enjoyed it but I don't get it. Why would he choose to spend time with someone he saw quite a bit over the summer over people he didn't get to see? Especially when our friendship has so much underlying tension.

I want to think it's him still on some level interested in me. But I don't want to think that because it could just be me seeing what I want to see.

**katrin** · 08-20-2010, 07:42 PM

What I am getting from all this Murky Muse is a feeling that this guy irritates me because he seems fickle and, if your college is not too far from where I live, I'd kind of like to go there and smack him around--verbally not physically--to get some truth out of him.

I hate to say it since you like him, but it seems to me that you can't read much that's romantically positive into his behavior.

It's possible he's insecure and jerking you around because he likes the attention of a woman who is interested in him.

Or it may be that the rejection is water under the bridge, you guys are still friends, he still likes you as a friend, and he wants to spend time with you as a friend.

While that may change in future, I think for now you should do your best to get over thinking of him that way and try to find someone else for a romantic relationship.

Perhaps some of the other INFPs can shed more light, though.

**Murky Muse** · 08-20-2010, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by katrin
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What I am getting from all this Murky Muse is a feeling that this guy irritates me because he seems fickle and, if your college is not too far from where I live, I'd kind of like to go there and smack him around--verbally not physically--to get some truth out of him.

I hate to say it since you like him, but it seems to me that you can't read much that's romantically positive into his behavior.

It's possible he's insecure and jerking you around because he likes the attention of a woman who is interested in him.

Or it may be that the rejection is water under the bridge, you guys are still friends, he still likes you as a friend, and he wants to spend time with you as a friend.

While that may change in future, I think for now you should do your best to get over thinking of him that way and try to find someone else for a romantic relationship.

Perhaps some of the other INFPs can shed more light, though.

Your big sister attitude is amusing.

First suggestion, I just can't see it. He is immature in some ways (overly fickle about nearly everything being one...) but for him to be jerking me around would go against everything I know about him. He's just too caring of other people in general. The second seems much more possible.

I have been trying to get over him. But, while part of me is saying I need to cut my losses and accept defeat, a much larger part is refusing to give up hope. Really, I should say I don't know how to give up. Also I don't seek romance; if I happen to meet someone, then great. But, as odd as this might sound considering, romance is very low on my priorities.

This is only the first day back...I'm probably overreacting. It was just a mix of emotions I wasn't ready for I guess.

**katrin** · 08-21-2010, 06:21 AM

Sorry about the big sister attitude. *sheepish* I can't help it though as I work with young people and have dozens of "little sibs". From them, I've heard many variations of the story you relate as well as having been in a similar situation myself when I was in college. (Some do succeed in getting together with the friend they like btw but not many.)

One thing to remember about young INFPs is that they can be very fickle and also have a tendency to fall in love with those who are unattainable, unavailable, or unreliable. I don't remember if you've said anything about this guy that indicates he's like that. Is he?

I had a thing for one of my XNFX male friends--a really sweet, wonderful person--for several years. That guy is now 42 and he's still not settled down with anyone; he's in and out of love all the time. Not to say your guy would be like this guy I knew but there could be a good man you won't meet because you think this one is so awesome that you're not open to meeting others.

Many people would say "Don't waste your time" but it's obviously your life and time to do with as you see fit.

You can continue on as you are as long as it's not causing you too much mental or emotional pain and see what happens.

Have you thought about asking him out again? Or maybe making a plan to do so at a certain point in the future if neither of you is seriously involved with another by then?

And has he said anything about being romantically interested in someone besides you?

**Murky Muse** · 08-21-2010, 03:06 PM

Don't be sorry. Acting big sister is fine. It's just I'm normally the one doing it, not having it done to me.

I'm not sure. He did start crushing on me back before I had a strong connection to him. I could easily have been seen as "unattainable" then due to my hermit nature.

If a guy were to ask me on a date, as long as he isn't giving off creep vibes I doubt I'd turn him down. I'm just not wanting to put effort in to looking for romance when I have school, work, and family stuff to deal with. Not to mention I've had two people (my mom and a guy friend) say I should see if the INFP gets jealous...I don't like the idea of purposely doing that but if it were to happen I highly doubt I'd complain.

Asking him out? No. I can't. He very clearly said he wasn't ready for a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a while. Plan? Plans are good. I'll think that over.

And no. Unless you count a mention of his ex from highschool, and that wasn't a positive.

**katrin** · 08-21-2010, 04:17 PM

Murky Muse, what was it like when he had a crush on you? What did he do and say? Did you reject him?

Was ^ this the period when you two were unofficially dating that you mentioned in your first post in this thread?

Did he ever say why he didn't want to be in a relationship now?

Hmm. Do you know how many girlfriends he has had? And, are you sure he is not gay?

**Murky Muse** · 08-21-2010, 05:32 PM

I was oblivious for the most part and only know this from others and his own implications (he still won't straight out say he liked me). That changed when I one day I realized I was starting to like him; I began to notice subtle/shy flirting, staring, ect and encouraged it. A few weeks later he asked me to the dance our college was hosting. After that was the unoffical dating, up until he realized he didn't want a relationship...though I got a bit lag on that.

No, he would never say specifically why and I didn't/don't want to pressure him for fear of ruining our friendship. I have a theory but obviously it's just a theory.

I only know of one; and I doubt he's gay.

**katrin** · 08-21-2010, 06:04 PM

Hmm. He's a puzzle. A frustrating one.
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It looks like you are going to be in a holding pattern, possibly for awhile.
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[HIDE="My sob story about the gay that got away."]I asked about the gayness because I had a friend that I didn't know was gay and everyone thought we were together. We had great chemistry and he was very flirty and attentive to me. Finally I asked him, and he was gay. Then it was annoying when people thought we were this cute couple because I couldn't say "No, I'm not getting any smex--he's gay." In high school, he was a football player and dated and slept at least once with the head cheerleader, so...having had a girlfriend isn't a definite indicator.

I hope for your sake your friend isn't gay. It's rather heartbreaking although I guess not so much as being rejected by a straight friend in my experience.[/HIDE]

**Murky Muse** · 08-21-2010, 07:21 PM

Yes, he is a very frustrating puzzle.

And that sucks.

My theory basically comes down to two things, which can be combined in a few ways:
1) He isn't completely over his ex and/or it was a bad experience so he's afraid to try again. 2) He doesn't really know what he wants to do with his life, while I know exactly where I'm going and why. I'm a year older and have stepped into being an adult or "spread my wings". He is still in the process of doing that. And either he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all while doing that or doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has and could influence him too much.

**Murky Muse** · 08-24-2010, 08:49 AM

I know. It's only been three days, but this guy is so confusing.

This past week he's started asking me to text him when I get back from places and/or wants me to tell him how whatever it was I was doing went. It doesn't bother me; it's just a weird change, and I don't know if it's just me or all his friends.

Also last night was awkward^awkward. First I caught him staring at me at dinner; he quickly looked away in a more guitly than embarrassed manner. Afterwards a group of us went to the store, and we had to get four people to fit in the backset. Guess who I ended up half sitting on? Then while at the store, us girls got into a conversation about being single. A fairly close friend of the INFP made a comment that while not offical I have a "special friend"; luckily the conversation switched topics before I had to explain it was "had, not have". That also tells me that he hasn't told his friends about what's going on; I'm not sure what to think about that but I don't like that it makes them liable of saying things I'd rather not hear. Of course, all that combined left me a little upset and later I ended up repeatedly throwing a pillow at him in a form of petty revenge. Told him so too (not the specifics, just that it was revenge). And then when we got left alone I basically ran for the hills...

**katrin** · 08-24-2010, 10:51 AM

	Originally Posted by Murky Muse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	And then when we got left alone I basically ran for the hills...

Maybe next time, kiss him and see what happens? Who knows, it might work some magic.
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**Murky Muse** · 08-24-2010, 11:09 AM

Are you serious? Because that has bad idea written all over it to me.

07-29-2010, 09:22 PM	#204
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	So you're saying he might have acted that way because 1) even if he doesn't like me, he still cares about me as a person 2) he lives for helping people and I just happened to need help this afternoon 3) both. And here's the full picture (some of which I don't thing I've mentioned before): He pretty much started our relationship outside of being friends by asking me to a formal event our college was holding last spring. It seemed to go in the direction that we would start dating, but then he started brushing me off and acting distant. When I confronted him about it- stating that I liked him and how he was acting was hurting me-, he replied that he never meant to act that way but that he had realized we wouldn't work out and that he wasn't ready for a relationship right now. After a bit of a break from each other, we started hanging out again under the understanding that we're just friends. Except I still get mixed signals from him.
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08-02-2010, 09:12 AM	#206
Allen3373 Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 236	Alright, I know, I've been bad and haven't updated you all. Partly procrastination, partly been busy :-P So Wednesday went really well. She found the note on top of her trailer, went to the coffee shop we frequented when we first started hanging out. There, I had a note and her favorite flowers (orange gerber daisies) that she girl working there gave her right when she walked in. Apparently she was very confused (I called to make sure she had gotten there on time) and walked out with the stuff LOL. The note just had a nice little bit about how I've enjoyed getting to know her, blah blah blah. I don't remember exactly what I said. But it sent her to a pub, where we officially started dating. She picked it up from the front desk, which she had to wait in line for a while for! hehe. I think that only increased the excitement of finding out what was going on though. In that note I told her I wanted to have her go there because that is where we started going out officially, and probably some other gooey stuff as well :-P I'm a guy, give me a break on remembering here! That note sent her to a wine shop (all of this was downtown and near each other). it just said there was something to pick up at that address. She actually had to text me ('Sorry I am texting you, but..' lol. I think she was disappointed to have to text me and lighten the mystery a bit, but oh well) because apparently the address I put on there was for the whole block (really old building) and not for the specific place. Oh well. Anyways, that's when I said that it had been 6 months that we had been dating, and that she should come meet me in the park, just a few blocks away. ((Edit: Also, with this note, I had a single red rose, her other favorite flower, which is convenient!)) When she came around the corner, she couldn't quite keep her smile hidden. Actually, it was pretty obviously there, and for once I think she didn't completely mind showing her excitement at the situation (you know, she usually tries to 'play it cool' haha). She had those big, open wide INFP eyes even bigger than usual, and said that she really, really liked it and that it was very sweet. We walked from there to a nice restaurant a few blocks away, and had a nice meal. It turned out very well, and I am quite pleased with myself :-P
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08-02-2010, 07:06 PM	#207
WoodsWoman Core Member [896%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 35,847	You done good, boy, real good. grin
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08-03-2010, 08:26 PM	#208
katrin Core Member [191%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 7,668	Allen, this is wonderful news. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. May I ask: did you get a chance to broach the subject of the plane ticket? If so, how did she respond?
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08-04-2010, 06:44 AM	#211
FeelTheNoise Member [04%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 190	I don't have much to offer. Personally, given where I've been the last three years with an ISFP -- I'd be soooooooo happy to have someone asking me questions like the one she's asking you To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. . Remember that, as INTJ, you probably have that quirky 'independence of mind' thing going on. Sometimes we need to learn to be flexible about how we perceive others and their ways of processing information.
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08-04-2010, 07:10 AM	#212
katrin Core Member [191%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 7,668	So, Allen, are you going? To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Will your business partner be able to hold down the fort?
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08-20-2010, 07:22 PM	#214
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	I'm pulling this thread back. Today was the first time I saw the INFP that I'm hopelessly in love with in but who rejected me after two and a half weeks. During that time we only had two very brief texting conversations...I resisted being the first to contact for once. My roommate and I got back to the college and were moving in. We texted him like promised, and he kind of just appeared in our room in between unloading trips. After finishing unpacking the three of us ate lunch, where he rather purposely sat by me, and then hung out for a while. We later randomly met up again at the carnival our college was hosting. Even after my roommate left and I (weakly) tried to sneak off to do my own thing, he followed. Despite the fact he could have been hanging out with any of his other friends. I really enjoyed it but I don't get it. Why would he choose to spend time with someone he saw quite a bit over the summer over people he didn't get to see? Especially when our friendship has so much underlying tension. I want to think it's him still on some level interested in me. But I don't want to think that because it could just be me seeing what I want to see.
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08-20-2010, 07:42 PM	#215
katrin Core Member [191%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 7,668	What I am getting from all this Murky Muse is a feeling that this guy irritates me because he seems fickle and, if your college is not too far from where I live, I'd kind of like to go there and smack him around--verbally not physically--to get some truth out of him. I hate to say it since you like him, but it seems to me that you can't read much that's romantically positive into his behavior. It's possible he's insecure and jerking you around because he likes the attention of a woman who is interested in him. Or it may be that the rejection is water under the bridge, you guys are still friends, he still likes you as a friend, and he wants to spend time with you as a friend. While that may change in future, I think for now you should do your best to get over thinking of him that way and try to find someone else for a romantic relationship. Perhaps some of the other INFPs can shed more light, though.
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08-21-2010, 06:21 AM	#217
katrin Core Member [191%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 7,668	Sorry about the big sister attitude. sheepish I can't help it though as I work with young people and have dozens of "little sibs". From them, I've heard many variations of the story you relate as well as having been in a similar situation myself when I was in college. (Some do succeed in getting together with the friend they like btw but not many.) One thing to remember about young INFPs is that they can be very fickle and also have a tendency to fall in love with those who are unattainable, unavailable, or unreliable. I don't remember if you've said anything about this guy that indicates he's like that. Is he? I had a thing for one of my XNFX male friends--a really sweet, wonderful person--for several years. That guy is now 42 and he's still not settled down with anyone; he's in and out of love all the time. Not to say your guy would be like this guy I knew but there could be a good man you won't meet because you think this one is so awesome that you're not open to meeting others. Many people would say "Don't waste your time" but it's obviously your life and time to do with as you see fit. You can continue on as you are as long as it's not causing you too much mental or emotional pain and see what happens. Have you thought about asking him out again? Or maybe making a plan to do so at a certain point in the future if neither of you is seriously involved with another by then? And has he said anything about being romantically interested in someone besides you? Last edited by katrin; 08-21-2010 at 06:37 AM.
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08-21-2010, 03:06 PM	#218
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	Don't be sorry. Acting big sister is fine. It's just I'm normally the one doing it, not having it done to me. I'm not sure. He did start crushing on me back before I had a strong connection to him. I could easily have been seen as "unattainable" then due to my hermit nature. If a guy were to ask me on a date, as long as he isn't giving off creep vibes I doubt I'd turn him down. I'm just not wanting to put effort in to looking for romance when I have school, work, and family stuff to deal with. Not to mention I've had two people (my mom and a guy friend) say I should see if the INFP gets jealous...I don't like the idea of purposely doing that but if it were to happen I highly doubt I'd complain. Asking him out? No. I can't. He very clearly said he wasn't ready for a relationship and probably wouldn't be for a while. Plan? Plans are good. I'll think that over. And no. Unless you count a mention of his ex from highschool, and that wasn't a positive.
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08-21-2010, 04:17 PM	#219
katrin Core Member [191%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 7,668	Murky Muse, what was it like when he had a crush on you? What did he do and say? Did you reject him? Was ^ this the period when you two were unofficially dating that you mentioned in your first post in this thread? Did he ever say why he didn't want to be in a relationship now? Hmm. Do you know how many girlfriends he has had? And, are you sure he is not gay?
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08-21-2010, 05:32 PM	#220
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	I was oblivious for the most part and only know this from others and his own implications (he still won't straight out say he liked me). That changed when I one day I realized I was starting to like him; I began to notice subtle/shy flirting, staring, ect and encouraged it. A few weeks later he asked me to the dance our college was hosting. After that was the unoffical dating, up until he realized he didn't want a relationship...though I got a bit lag on that. No, he would never say specifically why and I didn't/don't want to pressure him for fear of ruining our friendship. I have a theory but obviously it's just a theory. I only know of one; and I doubt he's gay.
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08-21-2010, 06:04 PM	#221
katrin Core Member [191%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 7,668	Hmm. He's a puzzle. A frustrating one. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. It looks like you are going to be in a holding pattern, possibly for awhile. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. [HIDE="My sob story about the gay that got away."]I asked about the gayness because I had a friend that I didn't know was gay and everyone thought we were together. We had great chemistry and he was very flirty and attentive to me. Finally I asked him, and he was gay. Then it was annoying when people thought we were this cute couple because I couldn't say "No, I'm not getting any smex--he's gay." In high school, he was a football player and dated and slept at least once with the head cheerleader, so...having had a girlfriend isn't a definite indicator. I hope for your sake your friend isn't gay. It's rather heartbreaking although I guess not so much as being rejected by a straight friend in my experience.[/HIDE]
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08-21-2010, 07:21 PM	#222
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	Yes, he is a very frustrating puzzle. And that sucks. My theory basically comes down to two things, which can be combined in a few ways: 1) He isn't completely over his ex and/or it was a bad experience so he's afraid to try again. 2) He doesn't really know what he wants to do with his life, while I know exactly where I'm going and why. I'm a year older and have stepped into being an adult or "spread my wings". He is still in the process of doing that. And either he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all while doing that or doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has and could influence him too much.
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08-24-2010, 08:49 AM	#223
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	I know. It's only been three days, but this guy is so confusing. This past week he's started asking me to text him when I get back from places and/or wants me to tell him how whatever it was I was doing went. It doesn't bother me; it's just a weird change, and I don't know if it's just me or all his friends. Also last night was awkward^awkward. First I caught him staring at me at dinner; he quickly looked away in a more guitly than embarrassed manner. Afterwards a group of us went to the store, and we had to get four people to fit in the backset. Guess who I ended up half sitting on? Then while at the store, us girls got into a conversation about being single. A fairly close friend of the INFP made a comment that while not offical I have a "special friend"; luckily the conversation switched topics before I had to explain it was "had, not have". That also tells me that he hasn't told his friends about what's going on; I'm not sure what to think about that but I don't like that it makes them liable of saying things I'd rather not hear. Of course, all that combined left me a little upset and later I ended up repeatedly throwing a pillow at him in a form of petty revenge. Told him so too (not the specifics, just that it was revenge). And then when we got left alone I basically ran for the hills...
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08-24-2010, 11:09 AM	#225
Murky Muse Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 102	Are you serious? Because that has bad idea written all over it to me.
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