[SereCompostela]

Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

First of all, <3 for you all because you always respond and give me tons of info and lots to think about. Well, I can't say your responses don't make me a bit nervous, but I'm a worry wort. I really like her a lot, and I worry about how much she really likes me. I guess I lack a bit of confidence in this area. As for the gifts, yeah, I'll just have to keep my eye out for something. And don't worry about her being on my mind 'once in a while'. I kind of obsess over her, and unless there is something actively engaging my mind fully, I'm pretty much always thinking about her. No exaggeration at all!

Aw, thanks Allen3373! You're great! We'll always be here to help you out. It's the INFP motto, haha!

Don't worry! And don't be nervous! Actually, what you wrote above really makes me wonder if that's how all INTJs are with their SO. Is it? Or is that just you? It's nice to read this from an INTJ!
Either way, I hope so! Haha! It's even making me wonder if the INTJ I have my heart/eyes on is like that. I would gush with happiness if I found out that he worried about how much I liked him or that I'm on his mind all the time.
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(Maybe you should tell that to your INFP!) I was told a couple of weeks back that he likes me too... but I'm too shy to do anything which is very ...well, sad, lol.
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Actually, if I knew for sure that he thought about me, that'd be enough courage to do something about it! lol.

Good Luck with your trip and INFP! It seems like you have nothing to be worried about. I mean, if you're able to call her your "girlfriend" by now, then you've come a long way. And from my perspective, I wouldn't be some guy's girlfriend, let alone date, unless I really cared about him. I'm pretty sure that goes for all romantic INFPs, if not for the majority of girls.
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[katrin]

Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

First of all, <3 for you all because you always respond and give me tons of info and lots to think about. Well, I can't say your responses don't make me a bit nervous, but I'm a worry wort. I really like her a lot, and I worry about how much she really likes me. I guess I lack a bit of confidence in this area. As for the gifts, yeah, I'll just have to keep my eye out for something. And don't worry about her being on my mind 'once in a while'. I kind of obsess over her, and unless there is something actively engaging my mind fully, I'm pretty much always thinking about her. No exaggeration at all!

Allen, you will be fine. And, it's good to hear you think about your INFP a lot. That's a positive sign in a new, reciprocal relationship. You should have no problem finding her a thoughtful gift.

Also, if you suspect you will have time during your trip to think about her and will be wanting to talk to her on phone/IM/skype pretty frequently, you should let her know what frequency of communication you think you'd like. Usually INFPs will err on the side of more communication rather than less, so, if more communication *is* what you want, let her know. She may assume you want less unless you tell her. She may be not wanting to seem clingy.

The fun thing about being an INFP giving advice to an INTJ is that INTJs are so good at processing options and thinking before they act. So, an INTJ might actually be able to, even in the moment, think about options and decide on the most prudent one for the situation. INFPs, on the other hand, often make decisions based on feeling--even if we've received good advice from others or know ourselves what the good decision would be--without thinking things through first. So it's fascinating, this concept that you are able to think about the best course of action for you and your INFP and then follow that course of action.

So, you can probably be less of a worry wart. You seem to be good at making decisions and treating this girl right!
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[ms infp]

	Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It's interesting that your INFP has said it will give her time to think. Hmm. Is she contemplating something major, like graduate school, or beginning a career search? Maybe she wants to think about how you fit in with her future plans.

Hmm, yeah. Good point. One thing is for sure, there is something she wants to wrap her head around.

[Allen3373]

Well, she offered to drive me and my friend to Seattle, which is 4 hours away (we live south of Portland, OR), so I'll get to spend some time with her the day we fly out. That will be nice.

Well, I'm still gonna worry, but I appreciate all of your input. It's very helpful.

[ms infp]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well, she offered to drive me and my friend to Seattle, which is 4 hours away (we live south of Portland, OR), so I'll get to spend some time with her the day we fly out. That will be nice. Well, I'm still gonna worry, but I appreciate all of your input. It's very helpful.

Hey, if you can find your way to a computer across the big pond, drop us a line!
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[Allen3373]

I'll have my brand new iPad with me, so I absolutely will!

[ms infp]

While reading through another thread and pondering over the comments posted in this thread, it has made me rethink something I said earlier - or, more correctly, a word I used earlier.

When I said that your trip overseas would provide a "test" for you, Allen, I should have not used the word "test." What I meant was that your INFP will be keenly aware of your actions, which, imo, will be compared with and weighed into her forgoing experiences with you. She will not be testing you, per se, but observing.

Do my fellow INFPs agree with that? I don't want to give the impression that INFPs are "testers," so I truly regret using that word.
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[Allen3373]

I understand what you are saying. I didn't think that she would be testing me in a bad way, bug I understand what you meant. It's a test in the sense that if I am consistent I have proven myself reliable.

[ms infp]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I understand what you are saying. I didn't think that she would be testing me in a bad way, bug I understand heat you meant. It's a test in the sense that if I am consistent I have proven myself reliable.

Ha ha, yes, reliable, but in INFP language, it means you love her.
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[Allen3373]

What, really? That seems like a rather odd representation of why/how I love her. That's really how you all think? Lol

[ms infp]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What, really? That seems like a rather odd representation of why/how I love her. That's really how you all think? Lol

LMAO!!! Yup, and it seems so obvious to us, too! (I think I'm going to print this and post it on my wall.)

From this INFP's perspective . . .

If you call/stay in touch frequently and reliably, it says to her that you are
a) thinking about her (how romantic!),
b) putting forth effort (showing you value her by taking time away from other pursuits), and
c) feel the need to connect with her (most important!).

INFPs, at their core, believe that if love is "true," all other considerations are secondary. (As we get older, we strive hard to accept that that is not necessarily the case, LOL.)

For example, if you were to go overseas and not call for the whole month, she could very easily come to the conclusion you don't love her - even if you told her you would not be calling. (It might not even matter that you were 2,000 miles from the nearest phone.) She would be thinking, "If he loved me, he would have wanted to call me (and found a way to do so); but since he didn't, he must not have wanted to call me/connect with me, and so he must not really love me."
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I've said it before somewhere on this site that when an INFP loves someone, they will reverse the spin of the Earth if they have to to make sure their partner feels loved. It's their hope that the favor will be returned (although not in that overbearing-I-can't-live-without-you way.)

***

"a rather odd representation of why/how I love her"

How so?

[katrin]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What, really? That seems like a rather odd representation of why/how I love her. That's really how you all think? Lol

Well, when a s.o. is consistent and reliable, an INFP feels secure and loved. The more the s.o. helps the INFP banish insecurities, the more open and loving the INFP will be over time. I think the average INFP becomes more comfortable when she/he feels secure. Not just sweeter, but also sexier, more willing to make jokes that might have formerly been considered too dangerous (like snarky or sarcastic), engage in argument, etc.
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---------- Post added 05-12-2010 at 08:41 AM ----------

Originally Posted by ms infp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

INFPs, at their core, believe that if love is "true," all other considerations are secondary. (As we get older, we strive hard to accept that that is not necessarily the case, LOL.) For example, if you were to go overseas and not call for the whole month, she could very easily come to the conclusion you don't love her - even if you told her you would not be calling. (It might not even matter that you were 2,000 miles from the nearest phone.) She would be thinking, "If he loved me, he would have wanted to call me (and found a way to do so); but since he didn't, he must not have wanted to call me/connect with me, and so he must not really love me." To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I've said it before somewhere on this site that when an INFP loves someone, they will reverse the spin of the Earth if they have to to make sure their partner feels loved. It's their hope that the favor will be returned (although not in that overbearing-I-can't-live-without-you way.)

This is totally true. All I would add to this...it's hard to explain, Allen.... It's not that the INFP doesn't know and understand that the s.o. told her he/she wouldn't be near a phone and able to call. INFPs know that on a thought level.

The problem is that INFPs in the situation Ms. Infp described will FEEL unloved, forlorn, and just generally terrible. Even though the INFP knows at some level that maybe the person 2,000 miles from a phone is really 2,000 miles from a phone, the feeling of sadness will be overwhelming. The INFP may want to break up just to do something, anything, instead of feeling helpless from that feeling.

I am going through a mini-version of that with the INTJ I like. Whenever he takes extra days between emails, I feel like he doesn't like me and will never write again, even though it is more than likely he will, based on our experiences so far. But, I could have said something accidentally offensive, he could've decided I'm silly (based on something I revealed in my last email) or boring, etc.

In the absence of new information and reassurance, the INFP will tend to worry that something is wrong or that something has changed.

[WoodsWoman]

I've nothing to add, just wanted to say that this is all great INFP stuff here. I'm seeing words put to how I feel/interact and can therefore evaluate myself a (tiny?) bit more objectively. Thanks.

[SereCompostela]

Originally Posted by ms infp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

When I said that your trip overseas would provide a "test" for you, Allen, I should have not used the word "test." What I meant was that your INFP will be keenly aware of your actions, which, imo, will be compared with and weighed into her forgoing experiences with you. She will not be testing you, per se, but observing. Do my fellow INFPs agree with that? I don't want to give the impression that INFPs are "testers," so I truly regret using that word.

Yes, I agree, ms infp. You are correct in saying that - It's not a "test," but being more observant of the actions.

Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, when a s.o. is consistent and reliable, an INFP feels secure and loved. The more the s.o. helps the INFP banish insecurities, the more open and loving the INFP will be over time. I think the average INFP becomes more comfortable when she/he feels secure. Not just sweeter, but also sexier, more willing to make jokes that might have formerly been considered too dangerous (like snarky or sarcastic), engage in argument, etc. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ---------- Post added 05-12-2010 at 08:41 AM ---------- This is totally true. All I would add to this...it's hard to explain, Allen.... It's not that the INFP doesn't know and understand that the s.o. told her he/she wouldn't be near a phone and able to call. INFPs know that on a thought level. The problem is that INFPs in the situation Ms. Infp described will FEEL unloved, forlorn, and just generally terrible. Even though the INFP knows at some level that maybe the person 2,000 miles from a phone is really 2,000 miles from a phone, the feeling of sadness will be overwhelming. The INFP may want to break up just to do something, anything, instead of feeling helpless from that feeling. I am going through a mini-version of that with the INTJ I like. Whenever he takes extra days between emails, I feel like he doesn't like me and will never write again, even though it is more than likely he will, based on our experiences so far. But, I could have said something accidentally offensive, he could've decided I'm silly (based on something I revealed in my last email) or boring, etc. In the absence of new information and reassurance, the INFP will tend to worry that something is wrong or that something has changed.

ABSOLUTELY!! I agree. I'm not so sure about the breaking up part, though. I can understand where an INFP would be excessively hurt by the feeling of being forlorn, especially if those patterns of loved/forlorn/loved/forlorn going "on" and "off" were consistant over a long period of time, sans the effort of trying to resolve it or make it better, from both parties - then, I would understand wanting to break it off. But in the case of the sadness being overwhelming over a small situation or something that happened in a short period of time, I'd think it to be too serious of a decision to make without seeing if things could work after the situation has passed or even without openly discussing it first.

However, I really agree with you katrin - very well said, I couldn't have put it into words any better: "In the absence of new information and reassurance, the INFP will tend to worry that something is wrong or that something has changed." I can't say how many times I have felt this before. Even from the little things. Such as, when my love interest stopped saying "hello" to me when I saw him (being that he used to do it all the time), I was, literally, torn up inside. I began thinking that he didn't like me (as a person or as a potential interest) anymore, I did/said something wrong, I lost him and my chances, etc etc. When time passed, and things hadn't changed, the feelings became more intense on both parts: he would just walk past me as if I were part of the wallpaper, and I began feeling as if he "hated" me or somewhere along those lines. To make a long story short, in the end I was told and discovered that there were logically reasonable circumstances as to why those things happened, and when I came to understand... it ended up being totally the opposite of what I was thinking
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But see how differently things process in our minds, emotionally, especially when we don't feel secure about something we care about??????

Originally Posted by ms infp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

LMAO!!! Yup, and it seems so obvious to us, too! (I think I'm going to print this and post it on my wall.) From this INFP's perspective . . . If you call/stay in touch frequently and reliably, it says to her that you are a) thinking about her (how romantic!), b) putting forth effort (showing you value her by taking time away from other pursuits), and c) feel the need to connect with her (most important!). INFPs, at their core, believe that if love is "true," all other considerations are secondary. (As we get older, we strive hard to accept that that is not necessarily the case, LOL.) For example, if you were to go overseas and not call for the whole month, she could very easily come to the conclusion you don't love her - even if you told her you would not be calling. (It might not even matter that you were 2,000 miles from the nearest phone.) She would be thinking, "If he loved me, he would have wanted to call me (and found a way to do so); but since he didn't, he must not have wanted to call me/connect with me, and so he must not really love me." To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I've said it before somewhere on this site that when an INFP loves someone, they will reverse the spin of the Earth if they have to to make sure their partner feels loved. It's their hope that the favor will be returned (although not in that overbearing-I-can't-live-without-you way.)

Perfectly said. Especially what I have bolded. We'd go to the ends of the earth and back to make sure our beloved always feels special, loved, cherished and appreciated. When we INFPs fall in love... we fall very HARD
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I think it would very much explain, also, why we get so emotionally hurt from our partner over what may seem like the smallest things to INTJs (like what Katrin posted about with her emails, perfect example).

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I understand what you are saying. I didn't think that she would be testing me in a bad way, bug I understand what you meant. It's a test in the sense that if I am consistent I have proven myself reliable.

Exactly! Perfectly written Allen!

Everyone wrote excellent answers, I don't even know what else to add!
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[JTG]

Blah, i need to call my INFP more often. I mean with what's going on right now i'm going to be in regular contact, but even when things go back to normal i should call her if she doesn't call me.

I hate it though, because i'm so terrible at calling people. I'm not a phone person, so i rarely initiate phone calls. I do love talking to her though. There's never been a time that i've seen her on my caller ID and thought "oh geez, my INFP is calling me again." It's always a positive thought/emotion when she calls.

This is something i never knew about INFPs before.

[wotsamattaU]

Allen, Congratulations - I was so pleased to read you two are in love.

re: the INTJ soft core - of course she knew this; it is what pulls her to you. She loves that about you.

INFP I recently read, are said to be the most romantic of the MBTI types. I do not know where you (or she) personally stand on this scale.

Have you asked her what she would like from these countries? Something such as an old leather bound book of English lit. which could be found at a 2nd hand book store or boot sale could be invaluable to her. Market value means little to us - it is the thought behind it we hold dear.

So think of something relating to her interests or something which reminds you of her. This could be a scarf or necklace which brought to mind the color of her eyes, or hair. It could be a small something you picked up at a shop when you were touring a location you particularly wished she was there to share with you. A flower pressed between paper in a book. A photo or print of a place where you had a revelation about you two. A place where your heart ached because the sea parted you. A bookmark or journal from a shop. A small statue of something relating to an interest of hers (such as a favorite type of animal or pet).

This trip away can be one of the most gelling events in your relationship. The main thing is to let her know how you feel, what reminds you of her, what you were thinking when you gazed upon this or that, what you wished she was there to enjoy with you.

Her comment relating to having time to think while you are away: her thoughts will be clearer minus the static interference your closeness brings. She will be utilizing much of her time apart thinking of you almost constantly. She may also use the time to engage in other areas of interest to lose herself in. (to take the edge off the pang of separation) It can be a highly creative time - as you pour that emotion in to the outlet of choice.

I know you two like to text. I would also suggest putting something down on paper and mailing it to her. A post card or note card is something which can be reread and treasured as the years go by. This is particularly applicable as this is someone you intend on spending the rest of your life with, potentially.

[ms infp]

Originally Posted by JTG To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Blah, i need to call my INFP more often. I mean with what's going on right now i'm going to be in regular contact, but even when things go back to normal i should call her if she doesn't call me. I hate it though, because i'm so terrible at calling people. I'm not a phone person, so i rarely initiate phone calls. I do love talking to her though. There's never been a time that i've seen her on my caller ID and thought "oh geez, my INFP is calling me again." It's always a positive thought/emotion when she calls. This is something i never knew about INFPs before.

From the INFPs I've met (my fellow INFPs please feel free to confirm or deny!) have all heavily favored texting. It's almost as good as finding a present under the Christmas tree!
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And by you initiating, that will add LOTS of fun to the mix! (In case you haven't noticed, INFPs really, really do like Fun.)
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Oh, and yes, you should definitely call her (or text) when she hasn't called you.

---------- Post added 05-12-2010 at 03:31 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by JTG To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is something i never knew about INFPs before.

Well, I'd say that in general, it's not something we're terribly proud of. We learn as time marches on that it's not cool to feel insecure, but to actually request action on someone else's part to help ease our anxieties? Doesn't work out so well, most of the time. So we hide it.

[wotsamattaU]

I have to say I am not one for texting, or cell phones for that matter. Okay, add telephones to that list of things I am not fond of. 'Not fond of' = I actively have to resist snatching them out of people's hands and dropping them in drinks or tossing in to snow drifts.

This urge is so strong, I once plopped my husband's unattended ringing cell phone in to the refrigerator - because I was *this* close to tossing it out into the snow on the porch!

re: frequency of contact - I recently requested he not call me every day when we are parted. lol 'Allow me to miss you'. We are much closer now than we were when we married over 20 years ago, so it is not that the affection and emotional intimacy isn't there. Far from it!

Too much contact makes me feel suffocated (I am introverted and he is extroverted).

None of this pertains to your situation of course - I am responding to ms infp's statement, just showing there are differences within this scale.

Everything I stated in my previous post stands - I would adore any and all of those things from my husband. In fact, one of the things which really melts me is when he shows me he has indeed heard me.

Recently he presented me with a card with a saying that perfectly represented his thoughts. He suggested something for the house I had wanted over a year ago and thought he did not hear me. He had. He presented me with roses in a color he knows I am exceedingly fond of (not red).

Seeing that he paid attention to (any of) these things meant more to me than I can say.

[Allen3373]

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Allen, Congratulations - I was so pleased to read you two are in love.

Well, to be fair, I said that I loved her. We haven't exchanged those words as of yet.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I know you two like to text. I would also suggest putting something down on paper and mailing it to her. A post card or note card is something which can be reread and treasured as the years go by. This is particularly applicable as this is someone you intend on spending the rest of your life with, potentially.

Yeah, I had actually planned on sending her a post card when I first got there, but I was also considering sending her a letter about I don't know what yet. Like, as in give it to a friend to mail to her from here like a week after I leave (so it gets to her quicker).

I was also thinking a few weeks in I could have her favorite flowers sent to her.

[Lil]

RE gifts: I say get her something she will see every day and use every day... like a coffee cup that will sit on her desk, or for me, earrings are ALWAYS the right gift. A scarf is nice_ I go to a seriously air-conditioned school and use a scarf all year round. I don't know how close y'all are, but a nightgown (if you're close enough). I don't believe in gifts that will be put away in a closet and forgotten about. My INTJ friend gave me an exquisite, expensive fountain pen that I absolutely treasure. It was the perfect gift for me.

This is a great thread. Where's the coffee pot? I could talk for a year on this subject. Even after 2+ years of knowing my INTJ, exchanging heartfelt ILY's, I'm not sure if we're dating.

[SereCompostela]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I was also thinking a few weeks in I could have her favorite flowers sent to her.

That's a romantic idea! Go with that
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Wait... how long will you be apart from eachother (if you don't mind me asking)?

[Allen3373]

I'll be gone for 4 weeks. Leave tomorrow and get back the 11th of June!

[katrin]

Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, to be fair, I said that I loved her. We haven't exchanged those words as of yet. Yeah, I had actually planned on sending her a post card when I first got there, but I was also considering sending her a letter about I don't know what yet. Like, as in give it to a friend to mail to her from here like a week after I leave (so it gets to her quicker). I was also thinking a few weeks in I could have her favorite flowers sent to her.

These are great ideas, Allen. It's good to see you putting your INTJ planning skills to work on the project of romance. I bet the other INFPs would join with me in raising pompoms in a little cheer in your honor. We need a pompom wielding emoticon!
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[JTG]

Originally Posted by ms infp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

From the INFPs I've met (my fellow INFPs please feel free to confirm or deny!) have all heavily favored texting. Oh, and yes, you should definitely call her (or text) when she hasn't called you. Well, I'd say that in general, it's not something we're terribly proud of. We learn as time marches on that it's not cool to feel insecure, but to actually request action on someone else's part to help ease our anxieties? Doesn't work out so well, most of the time. So we hide it.

Mine isn't fond of texting unless either she or i are in positions where we can't talk on the phone. I'm like you; i very much prefer texting, but for some reason i like talking on the phone when she calls. I'll remember to call her more often.

I know what you mean about not wanting to request action. That's one thing she avoids like the plague. I've gotten in the habit of asking what i can do for her, or if i can see what she wants, i'll offer to do it or just do without saying anything. Maybe someday i'll be able to reassure her enough that she'll know it doesn't bother me when she makes requests of me, but until then i'm happy with how we are on that dynamic.

[katrin]

Originally Posted by ms infp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

From the INFPs I've met (my fellow INFPs please feel free to confirm or deny!) have all heavily favored texting. It's almost as good as finding a present under the Christmas tree! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. And by you initiating, that will add LOTS of fun to the mix! (In case you haven't noticed, INFPs really, really do like Fun.) To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Oh, and yes, you should definitely call her (or text) when she hasn't called you. Well, I'd say that in general, it's not something we're terribly proud of. We learn as time marches on that it's not cool to feel insecure, but to actually request action on someone else's part to help ease our anxieties? Doesn't work out so well, most of the time. So we hide it.

I don't text but I generally prefer email or IM to phone calls. Unless I like the person romantically. Then I'd prefer to hear the expression in his voice and just would want to hear his voice for sensual reasons.

I have asked my INTJ male friend to write to me but I don't tell him that it's to ease my anxiety or give any reason. I just say, "Write back when you get a chance" or once "I enjoy corresponding with you."