[kaith]

Actually, I thought INTJ is the one who backs off, hot & cold. For me, as an INFP, I will pursue, as I'm curious to get to know the other person but If I don't sense that the person is responding, I will back off immediately, until the person approaches me again.

I agree that too much intimacy will cause me to back off too
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Philodept]

Allen3373: I think you have a great thing going for you. The way you are responding and interacting with her is really spot on. If I were you, I would trust what my fellow INFP's have said, all of it has struck a fundamental chord of what it is to be an INFP. (Not saying we are all the same, but we most certainly have similar tendencies!)

There isn't much I can add that hasn't already been said, so I shall wish you the best! :D

[Allen3373]

So, I have another question for you INFPs out there :-)

in your opinion, is it a good think for me to intentionally do/say things to my girlfriend to make her think?

An example:

Tonight we spent time with her family (not parents, but two of her sibling who are married and one who isn't). I had a really great time, and to be honest, was surprised at how much I liked them. They are a very close family, something I never had.

After I left, we were texting, and I asked her if she wanted to know what I really thought of them (her family is known for being a bit odd). I told her what I said above, explaining it a bit more though. I also tacked on something about that I could see really enjoying being apart of something like that (which is very true. She has a wonderful family).

Anyhow, she didn't respond for quite a while, so I sent another message sort of softening it a bit. I knew that comment would probably make her draw back a bit, but in my mind, if it's not something negative, and it's not something super major, it seems that making her think about such things would actually be a good thing.

Am I correct to assume that?

(also: she did respond after I 'softened' my comments a bit, and she seemed fine, we continued chatting for a bit. But I'm gonna guess it's going to give her something to think about.)

[katrin]

Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

So, I have another question for you INFPs out there :-) in your opinion, is it a good think for me to intentionally do/say things to my girlfriend to make her think? An example: Tonight we spent time with her family (not parents, but two of her sibling who are married and one who isn't). I had a really great time, and to be honest, was surprised at how much I liked them. They are a very close family, something I never had. After I left, we were texting, and I asked her if she wanted to know what I really thought of them (her family is known for being a bit odd). I told her what I said above, explaining it a bit more though. I also tacked on something about that I could see really enjoying being apart of something like that (which is very true. She has a wonderful family). Anyhow, she didn't respond for quite a while, so I sent another message sort of softening it a bit. I knew that comment would probably make her draw back a bit, but in my mind, if it's not something negative, and it's not something super major, it seems that making her think about such things would actually be a good thing. Am I correct to assume that? (also: she did respond after I 'softened' my comments a bit, and she seemed fine, we continued chatting for a bit. But I'm gonna guess it's going to give her something to think about.)

It depends on the INFP and how truly into you she is, I suspect. She seems into you, so that's good. Plus, you can't just hide/lie about how you feel all the time, and you certainly shouldn't when the feeling is so positive.

But the funny thing is that you phrase the question as if it's about making her think but remember INFPs are feelers. So, you just want to be careful not to make her feel pressured.

Example: When I was 24, I was getting over a crush on a male friend that hadn't panned out. I started dating this other guy that I met in class and found attractive. (He wasn't INTJ...more of an F.) After only two months of dating, he wrote a lovely poem for me that was basically about how he could see the two of us being old together. It was too much too soon. We'd only even had sex one time at that point and it hadn't been one of those perfect Hollywood moments. Then he was talking about me keeping my crap job and him getting a crap job and our getting an apartment together (we both lived with our parents). I was hoping to go to grad/professional school to get out of the crap job. Anyway, the combination of factors freaked me out and I dumped him. It was too much emotional pressure. If we'd gone on dating for a year, developing real intimacy, and gotten to where I trusted him fully sexually and sex had become really good, then I probably would've been fully over the crush on the other guy, totally into this guy, and thinking that we could have a future.

Not that your relationship with your INFP is anything like that. But still, I'd recommend not mentioning anything else for awhile that could be construed as deciding the far future quite yet. Unless she brings it up first.

Anyway, you seem like a great guy Allen3373. Best of luck in your continued success with your INFP
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Allen3373]

Thanks katrin :-) I appreciate that. I also appreciate you saying I'm a great guy. Always good to hear.

So, you would suggest not saying things with the intention of making her think about things? I didn't mean all the time, but occasionally. I should just let things come up when they come up and let her work through her feelings/thoughts on her own rather than try to influence them? Is that what I am hearing?

[katrin]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So, you would suggest not saying things with the intention of making her think about things? I didn't mean all the time, but occasionally. I should just let things come up when they come up and let her work through her feelings/thoughts on her own rather than try to influence them? Is that what I am hearing?

I don't know for sure since I don't know her (or you, really). Haha. But you might want to wait awhile before trying to get her to think about the long term future. You might want to focus more on the present, like saying things like "I really like spending time with you." Or if you spend a low key day hanging out with her doing errands or something but you have a good time, you could say something like "You even make doing laundry fun." Or whatever. Things that let her know you are happy to be with her and that make her feel secure that you're not planning to dump her but that you're not rushing her into anything she's not ready for.

Another example, using her family. What you might have said instead of what you did say could be something like "I really enjoyed meeting your family and hope to get to hang out with them again sometime." (Although it seems like she handled that text conversation fine.)

At some point, she will probably say something that indicates she sees you in her future... like if you'd said the above statement about her family and she'd said, "Wait till you see the Christmas chaos..haha". Then you could say something low key like "Chaos control is my speciality" or "I'll have to bring my famous pumpkin pie." Or whatever. Something that shows that you would like to still be in her life several months down the road.

Casual and indirect like the above usually makes me more comfy than direct statements that feel pressuring. But there is as much variance from INFP to INFP as there is among INTJs, so you are the best judge.

Sorry to be imagining conversations of you two, but that's kind of natural for INFP brain.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Hobbesrevenge]

Allen, I'd say yes, it's a good thing to say those things to her. Just bear in mind she'll probably become a bit distant upon hearing this, but in my opinion it'll only help in the long run.

[dontmesswithme]

I think you're doing more than fine with your INFP. INFP's love 'the individual'. Just be yourself (and be nice) and she'll love you for it.

[Allen3373]

	Originally Posted by dontmesswithme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think you're doing more than fine with your INFP. INFP's love 'the individual'. Just be yourself (and be nice) and she'll love you for it.

What do you mean 'the individual'?

[dontmesswithme]

You, others, themselves. Individuals. What is important to a particular individual will be important to their INFP friend. The INFP will believe in you.

That's the best I can do to explain myself right now. Hope it helps.

[Allen3373]

Yeah, that makes sense to me actually. I've noticed that things that I am interested in she puts forth an effort to be interested in them as well. Not in a fake way, but in a way that she -wants- to be interested in the same things as me.

[katrin]

	Originally Posted by dontmesswithme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	INFP's love 'the individual'.

I agree with this but it means something slightly different to me. For me, what it means is that, unlike some INTJs who have a very specific checklist of what they want in/from a partner, what I want as an INFP is some ideal of romance that is more a feeling and hard to define with specifics. Once an individual man has caught the attention of my imagination, that man with his particular personality, looks, quirks, etc. steps into the daydream in my head. My little fantasy sort of fills in around him and adapts to him, esp. during the beginning of a new romance. It's like a rough sketch getting filled in and then shaded and colored.

INFPs are always fitting new information into their existing frame of reference and for me, this is one aspect of that process.

[dontmesswithme]

Katrin makes an excellent point, and articulated it very well. This is really true. I think it goes into the category of "idealising". I personally don't feel the slightest bit guilty about this sort of idealising. I think this sort of idealising is why INFP's are able to see the good in all different types of individuals. INFP's are very opportunistic. If an opportunity comes along to help with their ideals, they'll be on it in a heartbeat. I'm often not even aware that I've taken advantage of an opportunity until much later on. I follow my feelings without even noticing. I don't notice quite a few things until later on, though.

[katrin]

Originally Posted by dontmesswithme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Katrin makes an excellent point, and articulated it very well. This is really true. I think it goes into the category of "idealising". I personally don't feel the slightest bit guilty about this sort of idealising. I think this sort of idealising is why INFP's are able to see the good in all different types of individuals. INFP's are very opportunistic. If an opportunity comes along to help with their ideals, they'll be on it in a heartbeat. I'm often not even aware that I've taken advantage of an opportunity until much later on. I follow my feelings without even noticing. I don't notice quite a few things until later on, though.

I don't feel guilty either. Besides, I think there are a lot of men who would rather their girlfriend/wife idealized them a little instead of George Clooney or some throbbing-membered dude in a romance novel. Bleh.

I don't tell boyfriends about my weirdly romantic mind directly but they may sense it just from the general INFP vibe. Like the poet guy loved jazz and I'd never liked it or known much about it, but I thought it was impressive that he knew so much about it and I was willing to try it since he loved it. (And he was willing to try things I liked, too. He was a great guy until he suffocated me emotionally. LOL.) Also, he had nice hands and I would just hold his hand and inspect it and trace all the lines and stuff like that. I just noticed things about him that made him special to me. The next guy I liked didn't like jazz or have great hands but there were different things about him to appreciate.

So now I've got a question for Allen3373: do you feel like your INFP girl finds you fascinating? If so, do you mind?

[Allen3373]

	Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So now I've got a question for Allen3373: do you feel like your INFP girl finds you fascinating? If so, do you mind?

You can just call me Allen :-) I just couldn't get that name, so 3373 always gets tacked on.

Ummmm.. I don't know? remember, INTJ here=clueless. Even in a relationship. Well, the beginning anyways. We are still getting to know each other, taking it slow, you know?

I find her fascinating, that's for sure.


On a separate note: biting the lower lip. I only notice her doing this while it's just the two of us, and I'm talking to her and we're making eye contact. For a lack of a better way of asking, what's up with that?

[katrin]

Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

You can just call me Allen :-) I just couldn't get that name, so 3373 always gets tacked on. Ummmm.. I don't know? remember, INTJ here=clueless. Even in a relationship. Well, the beginning anyways. We are still getting to know each other, taking it slow, you know? I find her fascinating, that's for sure. On a separate note: biting the lower lip. I only notice her doing this while it's just the two of us, and I'm talking to her and we're making eye contact. For a lack of a better way of asking, what's up with that?

I don't know about lip biting personally, but an article on cnn.com says:

"Lip biting
It could mean: She's flirting.
But it might mean: She's shy or feels pressured.
What the experts say: Suspects sometimes do this when they're trying to remember an event or concoct a story, says private investigator Steven Tavlin. It's a sign of discomfort. To put the person at ease, avoid direct staring and lower your voice. You might even back up or turn away slightly. "The idea is to take the pressure off," says Givens."

[Allen3373]

I don't get the sense that she's uncomfortable.

[katrin]

	Originally Posted by Allen3373 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't get the sense that she's uncomfortable.

Then she's doing choice #1: flirting.

---------- Post added 04-20-2010 at 12:09 AM ----------

This is esp. likely to be true if her body language is otherwise open, receptive, playful and/or energetic, instead of hunched and/or tense.

EDIT: Like, if she's biting her lip trying to think of a reply to something you've said, then she decides what to say and says it, and bounces a little like she's excited/happy with how the conversation is going, then that's one kind of flirting. Or, it could be deliberately sexual, like any flirting involving the mouth has the potential to be.

[Calica]

I do the lip biting thing when I`m thinking hard about something or when I`m nervous. Could be she`s just trying to get her head around what you said.

[dontmesswithme]

I have to comment on the lip biting. For years now my ex will say to me, "you're biting your lower lip again". He says I do that when he's bugging me, or I'm frustrated or troubled about something. I don't notice myself doing it until he points it out.

[ms infp]

Gosh, I'm so far behind on all these posts!! (Been playing with an ISTP lately, yowza!)

Lip biting: For me, it's *definitely* a nervous gesture. But it's a good thing from your perspective, because it could mean that she's excited/nervous/worried about making a good impression on you. Like katrin says, it also could be she's excited/nervous about where the conversation is going. But I absolutely agree that it's a sign of *some* sort of emotional discomfort. You should see my lower lip lately!
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


You may not want to hear this, but it probably means the trust threshold hasn't quite been breached yet. That's cool, though, because it prolongs the excitement of the relationship, too.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Giving her something to think about: I agree with a little bit of what everyone else has written so far. I think it's *very* good to give her something to think about, BUT. If you do decide to say "it" rather directly, such as katrin pointed out, then just be ready for the Ebb. If you think you are taking a chance with a certain comment, then maybe try to tone it down a bit, as dontmesswithme suggested. You still may get some Ebb action, but at least you'll know you hit a target of some sort, LOL. After a while, she'll get used to your directness and probably find it endearing.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Jeez, I'm not really adding anything to this, am I?

As for you not getting the sense that she's uncomfortable, eh-hem, let me just gently point out that detecting emotions is not your strong suit. It wouldn't be completely your fault, though, because INFPs can be really, really good at appearing comfortable, when if fact, they are not. I'm a pro!
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Allen3373]

So, I just had a question for the INFPs. Mine took a trip to visit her family, and she also sees a naturepath regularly when she goes. Apparently she was having some health problems a while back, and they have been working on them sense. They are getting better.

My question is about the fact that she wanted to share that info with me, as well as showing me her paperwork for her workup from the last visit. She said that she felt i had 'the right to know'. To me, that seems like something some people might not want to talk about, so I wanted to see how you all thought about that.

Also, no need to worry. There is nothing serious going on.

(in case you're wondering, I told her I would like to know things like that, but at the same time that didn't make a difference for me)

[Cocachin]

My Interpretation as a fellow INFP:
She wants you to know what is going on in her life, good and bad, and not hide her vulnerable side (even if it is a physical vulnerability). Also, the "right to know" part sounds like she does not want there to be any negative suprises for you later on - she is laying her cards on the table. That is a sign of serious interest. She wants to see that you don´t have a problem with that perceived weakness of hers. For her that would be a form a reassurance that she can continue letting her guard down around you.
She is including you in her life, that is a very good thing. :-)

[katrin]

I agree with Cocachin that it's a sign she takes your relationship seriously and sees the relationship having a future.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[JTG]

Yeah, she's settling in and getting past that "don't show anything negative" stage. It's a big step for an INFP to open up like that. Some types will bare everything within moments of meeting, but she's not one of those. You've shown yourself reliable enough to be trusted with stuff like that, and also she's telling you that she's willing to lean on you and probably is looking for your reaction to know how comfortable you are with moving in that direction.