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Old 03-29-2010, 07:11 PM   #1
Hobbesrevenge
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So I've seen alot of threads bouncing around here lately regarding female INTJ's pursuit of a male INFP. First off, I'd like to say to all those people lucky enough to have found the elusive INFP male, congrats! They truly are a rare bird and if you snagged one of those, I know I'd consider myself lucky if not often times perplexed (I'm an INFP and I often find myself perplexing...go figure)

Anywhos, one thing I think people often fail to consider when giving advice to perplexed -NTJ types about NFP types is sex (sex as in gender...not sex sex, as I've seen plenty of those threads around here
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) , and how especially how this effects the NFP male (I say NFP male, but I largely want to put emphasis on the INFP male)

I found a great thread on livejournal concerning it and found many of the male INFP responses to be enlightening and for the most part true given my limited experience with INFP's.
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Anyways, my main point is largely this: Male INFP's like any intuitive perceiver are really good at noting how the world and the people in them work. They know almost inherently that being a feeler and a male is a bad combination, so often times they try to hide it, counter it, or fake being tough. The INFP male I knew did this by being highly confrontation (something that is counter to what we like to do, also he was horrible at it). Also please note that INFP's under stress seldom act like themselves and can turn into horrible monster types (I speak from limited experience, but something like this has totally happened to me before). INFP's are known as the healer and I often wonder what it must feel like to be a man and then to discover your label or what have you is the healer, can it be off-putting?

...

So, my question to all of you:

INFP males out there: First off, how many are on this forum, I have a feeling it might be two...maybe? Anyways, what is your take on this? Have you ever done this to protect yourself?

NF males and Females: Do you agree/disagree? What have you seen in your experience?

Everyone else: My question for you guys is basically the same as the NF's as in have you seen this at all with male NF(P)'s? Any opinion on it? Am I right, am I wrong? I'd also like to note the rare occasion that I see on this forum how INTJ's males seem to knock around the F dudes, saying that they'd never want an F son, etc etc... and yeah, what up with that?


Comments appreciated!
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:39 PM   #2
JTG
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I think you're pretty accurate about INFPs in general, not just males. While it is correct that an INFP male would have that extra weight upon them about stereotypical gender roles, i find INFPs in general to be elusive and guarded. My ex puts up a pretty good front, but inside she's often a raging torrent of emotion. She can explode sometimes, either in a good or a bad way, because she's afraid of appearing weak or fragile to people.

So far, in my experience, i think you're pretty much right. Males and females of your type seem similar to me, except males do have that extra pressure to be less "feely" which could potentially make life more difficult.
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:18 PM   #3
katrin
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When I was younger, I loved NF men (artists, poets, folk singers, hippies), and I think I've known a couple who were INFP. I didn't get the feeling any of these guys suffered too much from being NFs, esp. since they were artists, etc. They were all attractive guys who used their sensitivity to reel in the ladies. :-)

Also, I don't know if it really bothers these guys that they are feeling types. They seem to enjoy being expressive and emotionally passionate. To an INFP, being that way feels real and "authentic".

Speaking for myself, since I don't know/can't imagine any other way of being, I'm happy with this way of being most of the time. I imagine it is the same with INFP men.
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:42 PM   #4
Takeru
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  Originally Posted by Hobbesrevenge
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They know almost inherently that being a feeler and a male is a bad combination, so often times they try to hide it, counter it, or fake being tough. The INFP male I knew did this by being highly confrontation.

I don't know if you would still consider me an INFP (I still say I have a developed INFP side.) But I acted like this pretty much. I was often told to stop crying because girls should be the only one crying. Guys should be holding it inside them and be tougher and stronger.

So as I grew up through middle school (and even high school,) you rarely ever see me cry/cry in front of people. I would keep myself from crying as much as I can. I would actually hide my emotions. I didn't fake being tough, but I didn't want people to consider me a girl/crybaby/weakling either. I was often rebellious with the other middle schoolers anyhow (didn't like a lot of people there.) It was like most of them had an exterior to uphold also, which I really didn't like.

Though I think it has to deal with the environment also. If an INFP lived in an environment that didn't care if you acted like a stereotypical male or not, then I am quite sure most of them wouldn't act like this.

Still, I'm not as full of emotion as people think I am. In real life, I still don't exhibit too much unless I know you well enough or I care about you well enough to show them. Online, it might be a different story though.

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Old 03-30-2010, 02:55 PM   #5
MyOtherSelf
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Thanks for the link! As an INTJ female pursuing whom I believe to be an INFP male, I can describe him as a paradox. SUPER sensitive and caring yet super closed off about it at the same time. VERY physically affectionate in private but very passive about pursuing me. VERY complicated internally while revealing a cool, simple, exterior. If I met him not knowing much about him and we only spoke for a few minutes, I may have written him off as ordinary or boring. But he is not this at all.

He strikes me as someone who has the capacity to feel very deeply and who cares very much about other people in a geniune way.

He seems to be a keen observer, remembering most of what I tell him and noticing many things around him.

He does not seemed to ashamed to be an F, but he does seem protective of himself. He is an extremely private person.

He also seems to be quite artistically gifted.
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Old 03-30-2010, 03:10 PM   #6
Daj
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I haven't found it to be an hindrance to be male and INFP to the outside world. Largely due to the fact I am built rather masculine and i'm quiet, so I don't dispel my feelings all over the place.

Those who are close to me know that I have a lot going on inside. I don't readily display it to everyone, but I don't know if that is a male thing or a general INFP thing.
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Old 04-01-2010, 06:13 AM   #7
ms infp
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The INFP males I have known (not necessarily in a romantic context) have dealt with it differently.

One of them did assume a tougher exterior as he aged into his late 20's. his demeanor had changed drastically over the four years between our visits. I knew it was a sign that he had been under stress, because I recognized it in myself.

Another INFP I am currently in contact with (a coworker) is still in his young 20's, but I see his frustrations with life mounting. I wonder whether he will change, too.

As for myself, a female INFP, I learned very early on that it was neither in my favor to show feeling nor be an introvert. I've worked hard to balance what is seen on the outside. Still, I feel fortunate in that I am not a male. (But I sure do love those guys!)
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Old 04-02-2010, 03:41 AM   #8
Tkae
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  Originally Posted by Hobbesrevenge
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So I've seen alot of threads bouncing around here lately regarding female INTJ's pursuit of a male INFP. First off, I'd like to say to all those people lucky enough to have found the elusive INFP male, congrats! They truly are a rare bird and if you snagged one of those, I know I'd consider myself lucky if not often times perplexed (I'm an INFP and I often find myself perplexing...go figure)

Anywhos, one thing I think people often fail to consider when giving advice to perplexed -NTJ types about NFP types is sex (sex as in gender...not sex sex, as I've seen plenty of those threads around here
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
) , and how especially how this effects the NFP male (I say NFP male, but I largely want to put emphasis on the INFP male)

I found a great thread on livejournal concerning it and found many of the male INFP responses to be enlightening and for the most part true given my limited experience with INFP's.
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Anyways, my main point is largely this: Male INFP's like any intuitive perceiver are really good at noting how the world and the people in them work. They know almost inherently that being a feeler and a male is a bad combination, so often times they try to hide it, counter it, or fake being tough. The INFP male I knew did this by being highly confrontation (something that is counter to what we like to do, also he was horrible at it). Also please note that INFP's under stress seldom act like themselves and can turn into horrible monster types (I speak from limited experience, but something like this has totally happened to me before). INFP's are known as the healer and I often wonder what it must feel like to be a man and then to discover your label or what have you is the healer, can it be off-putting?

...

So, my question to all of you:

INFP males out there: First off, how many are on this forum, I have a feeling it might be two...maybe? Anyways, what is your take on this? Have you ever done this to protect yourself?

NF males and Females: Do you agree/disagree? What have you seen in your experience?

Everyone else: My question for you guys is basically the same as the NF's as in have you seen this at all with male NF(P)'s? Any opinion on it? Am I right, am I wrong? I'd also like to note the rare occasion that I see on this forum how INTJ's males seem to knock around the F dudes, saying that they'd never want an F son, etc etc... and yeah, what up with that?


Comments appreciated!
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Hah, this thread is funny =)

I've been wondering when someone would take up another search for the holy grail of types (I think the only other demographic that rivals us for being rare are INTJ females?)

I don't think I compensate for any kind of lack of masculinity through aggression.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I do have a "monster type" aspect to my personality. In fact, I just hurt a friend with it recently. But it's not because of my lack of "masculinity". It's because I had a lot of relationships end up in betrayal, and so now whenever I get stressed one of the first things to happen during my flip is me getting paranoid of anyone close to me, and lashing out at them in a ferocious pre-emptive strike. I suppose it's a subconscious method of testing the merit of their friendship. It's not like I wake up and say, "I'm going to see how good of a friend [Friend] is." Or maybe it's a defense mechanism, killing my friends to make sure they can't kill me first.

Whatever it is, I do it, and I hate that I do it. Whenever I get close enough to someone that it will happen (usually confidants), I always tell them, "I will try and hurt you. I will do it, and I'm sorry. I'll be sorry later, I'll be sorry when I'm doing it, but I can't stop it. It just happens."

But it's hurt me so bad when friendships have gone sour (yay for being an INFP), on top of a lot of baggage that came from stuff no type, yet alone an INFP, should ever have to go through, that I'm very distrustful of relationships.

All of that to say, it's because of other things that I have my monster moments. I deal with male stereotypes aggressively, but I treat them as one of the landmine topics that all of our type have. And I guess I'm very misogynistic in how I view it. Most of the stereotypes I've been confronted with haven't actually been from men, but from women (mainly teachers, who were adhering to the feminist philosophies of how classrooms should be run and how education should be taught). And I'm not the most masculine anyways, but I still for a lot of my childhood (and young adulthood) I got slammed with the, "You're a boy, so you need to treat women better," campaigns. But, as an INFP, everything they said I was doing just because I was a boy was false. I, in fact, agreed with the basic principles of what they had to say, but was persecuted by the very people I agreed with. So I was ostracized from both males, who saw me as too feminine, and females, who saw me as just another male.

So yeah...

Most of the energy others would probably spend trying to fit the male gender role I spent railing back against the people and ideas that had treated me so unfairly. I'm always quick to point out the flaws in the well-meaning feminist's beliefs, but I'm not as aggressive about it as I was. Now I only actively attack the radical feminism I have to face every now and then.

It's taken me until the past year and a half or so to finally find my true masculinity. I really love the ancient Greek philosophies on masculinity and sexuality. I really aim for being more of a "boy" than a "man". I guess a lot of INFP still hang on to a kind of childishness like that. I feel like it really opens up a lot more of the avenues for being a healer that being a "man" automatically shuts down. It lets me channel a lot more emotional energy a lot more freely, and lets me frolic across the realms of responsibility and carefree wonder-at-the-world without any social drags to try and keep me pinned down.

... what was the question? O.o

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Old 04-02-2010, 03:56 AM   #9
ms infp
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  Originally Posted by Tkae
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... what was the question? O.o

Be still, my heart!
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Old 04-02-2010, 05:00 AM   #10
BrooklynBoy
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INFP male here. It took me a very long time to come to terms with being an INFP. I was never physically confrontational, but, I did try to project more of what would be conventionally thought of as being a "real man." I have finally (after many years) come to accept being an INFP and I have found that it has not hurt me in anyway by just being me.

I have friends who accept me for who I am. I have noticed (since I am now just being myself) that others feel comfortable about coming to me for help or for advice. And I am happy to be of help to them. INFPs have their special gifts just like any of the other temperament types. According to Keirsey we are called the "Healers." Where is there a written rule that says that "real men" can't be, or should not be, "healers?"

I am now content to be an INFP and I would not have it any other way.
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Old 04-02-2010, 05:05 AM   #11
azelismia
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I've always thought Hemingway was an infp wearing an estj shell. his machismo never rang true. his suicide is typical of someone wearing a mask they are afraid to take off due to the very soft underbelly that lies beneath it.

I know much of it was to impress his father who didn't want a sissy boy, but I am sure a lot of it was also to impress the world around him. His stories always had that heavy F underbelly to all the hardness he tried to portray.
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Old 04-02-2010, 04:16 PM   #12
Hobbesrevenge
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  Originally Posted by Tkae
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Hah, this thread is funny =)

I've been wondering when someone would take up another search for the holy grail of types (I think the only other demographic that rivals us for being rare are INTJ females?)

I don't think I compensate for any kind of lack of masculinity through aggression.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I do have a "monster type" aspect to my personality. In fact, I just hurt a friend with it recently. But it's not because of my lack of "masculinity". It's because I had a lot of relationships end up in betrayal, and so now whenever I get stressed one of the first things to happen during my flip is me getting paranoid of anyone close to me, and lashing out at them in a ferocious pre-emptive strike. I suppose it's a subconscious method of testing the merit of their friendship. It's not like I wake up and say, "I'm going to see how good of a friend [Friend] is." Or maybe it's a defense mechanism, killing my friends to make sure they can't kill me first.

Whatever it is, I do it, and I hate that I do it. Whenever I get close enough to someone that it will happen (usually confidants), I always tell them, "I will try and hurt you. I will do it, and I'm sorry. I'll be sorry later, I'll be sorry when I'm doing it, but I can't stop it. It just happens."

But it's hurt me so bad when friendships have gone sour (yay for being an INFP), on top of a lot of baggage that came from stuff no type, yet alone an INFP, should ever have to go through, that I'm very distrustful of relationships.

All of that to say, it's because of other things that I have my monster moments. I deal with male stereotypes aggressively, but I treat them as one of the landmine topics that all of our type have. And I guess I'm very misogynistic in how I view it. Most of the stereotypes I've been confronted with haven't actually been from men, but from women (mainly teachers, who were adhering to the feminist philosophies of how classrooms should be run and how education should be taught). And I'm not the most masculine anyways, but I still for a lot of my childhood (and young adulthood) I got slammed with the, "You're a boy, so you need to treat women better," campaigns. But, as an INFP, everything they said I was doing just because I was a boy was false. I, in fact, agreed with the basic principles of what they had to say, but was persecuted by the very people I agreed with. So I was ostracized from both males, who saw me as too feminine, and females, who saw me as just another male.

So yeah...

Most of the energy others would probably spend trying to fit the male gender role I spent railing back against the people and ideas that had treated me so unfairly. I'm always quick to point out the flaws in the well-meaning feminist's beliefs, but I'm not as aggressive about it as I was. Now I only actively attack the radical feminism I have to face every now and then.

It's taken me until the past year and a half or so to finally find my true masculinity. I really love the ancient Greek philosophies on masculinity and sexuality. I really aim for being more of a "boy" than a "man". I guess a lot of INFP still hang on to a kind of childishness like that. I feel like it really opens up a lot more of the avenues for being a healer that being a "man" automatically shuts down. It lets me channel a lot more emotional energy a lot more freely, and lets me frolic across the realms of responsibility and carefree wonder-at-the-world without any social drags to try and keep me pinned down.

... what was the question? O.o


Wow, totally agree with you on Feminist stereotypes...

I consider myself a millionth wave feminist because after following feminism for awhile there are just too many contradictions present for me to accept any of the waves at face value.

azelismia: Totally agree with you about Hemingway, especially after reading The Sun Also Rises

What does everyone else think? Hemingway total INFP!

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Old 04-02-2010, 04:27 PM   #13
rain
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  Originally Posted by azelismia
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I've always thought Hemingway was an infp wearing an estj shell. his machismo never rang true. his suicide is typical of someone wearing a mask they are afraid to take off due to the very soft underbelly that lies beneath it.

I know much of it was to impress his father who didn't want a sissy boy, but I am sure a lot of it was also to impress the world around him. His stories always had that heavy F underbelly to all the hardness he tried to portray.

Have you read Hemingway's books? He's definitely not an INFP!
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I would say he is closer to ISTJ.

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Old 04-02-2010, 04:35 PM   #14
Hobbesrevenge
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  Originally Posted by rain
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Have you read Hemingway's books? He's definitely not an INFP!
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I would say he is closer to ISTJ.

Disagree. Sun also rises and the old man and the sea. Trust me, an S couldn't write like he did. Also he is not a T. He was a descriptive writer, his prose was terse, to the point, yet managed to be descriptive, especially in terms of characters. Remember Jake from the sun also rises, the war wound...

God, I can go on and on about this...

I'm thinking a thread on this might be in order.

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Old 04-02-2010, 05:47 PM   #15
azelismia
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  Originally Posted by rain
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Have you read Hemingway's books? He's definitely not an INFP!
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I would say he is closer to ISTJ.


I have read all of them a few times. You missed the point.

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