[Chayse]

I will try to make this long story as short as possible! When I was growing up my mother would lean on me for emotional support in a big way. I was subjected to her "losing it" emotionally in public many times. She would go on at me about how she was "so scared how us kids would turn out", and cry and cry and cry all the time!

She did suffer from post natal depression when I was 9 years old when my brother was born. I think this is the time when things got really tough for me (as the eldest child). She would guilt trip me into things (but say she wasn't). Cry and blubber whenever I would mention I wanted to do something else to the path she wanted me to take etc. As all this started at a young age - I didn't know how to handle it, and would put up with her blubbering (even though I hated it). This also made me feel very responsible for my younger sibling, like I had to take care of them etc.

This whole relationship with my mother was very one sided, she would tell me all her problems, cry, get upset, I would do something like leave my shoes by the door and I would be screamed at and abused (verbally). Meanwhile at school I had my own troubles, but she never knew (still doesn't). And through all this she expected me to support her and would try to emotionally guilt trip me constantly.

When I moved out of home (and to the other end of the country), I found living out of home easy, I felt light and free and discovered my real personality (as I had been masking it from everyone). 6 years on I really love myself, who I am and I am confident in my abilities etc

However, despite not living anywhere near my mother (and father... a bit of a no hoper and part of all the "issues"). She still tries to ring up and cry about all her problems. (which I might add are pretty much the same issues she has had for years). I have tried suggesting simple changes that might improve the situation and she doesn't want a bar of it. I get accused of being judgmental and thinking I am to good for the family etc.

I actually get physically sick every time I visit. A 4 day visit takes me about 2 -3 months to recover from. I get down, upset, feel horrible and hate how they (it is not just my mother but she is the main one) can push my buttons. The truth is I am judgmental about them - I can't stand that they are doing the same thing again and again without being open to changing.

My husband who is an"F" insisted I saw the doctor about it because he could see how upsetting my family was for me. The doctor told me to put up clear barriers with my mother about her crying etc to me. I did so which resulted in my mother going on about how she is so hurt that I think she is a terrible mother etc. I just told her - "You need to stop telling me all your problems, I have had enough. It was inappropriate for you to use me to emotionally support you from a young age, and even more so to tell me the problems you have with my father (they are still amazingly together). Also if you hadn't of saddled me with all this baggage, now that I am older I might have been open to talking with you about your issues, as it is you have had my support for over half my life. I am living for me now". Didn't go down so well!

Anyway she kind of improved... but she is just so emotionally unstable!! She rung up the other day and said "I have had the most dreadful weekend ever, but I'm not going to tell you about it because I know you don't want to hear my problems..." Man!! How irritating is that, and then because my youngest brother has been getting into some serious trouble (police etc) I wanted to know if he was ok etc and she makes the whole thing about her and how it is affecting her. She is driving me mad... I reinstated the don't talk to me about your problems and if you are going to cry rule. I have hardened my heart to her, she cries I just get annoyed I don't "feel for her"... merely want her to "shut up". Am I cold?

I think I am kind of venting in this thread - but seriously - how do you deal with a major "F" family member who despite your complete bluntness seems to keep coming back?

Additional point: my husband and I have been dealing with a few serious issues (including a suspected brain tumor, thank goodness it wasn't) of our own this last year... and she didn't even know until about a month ago because I called her on it and said "You don't actually have any idea about what is going on here do you?"

[Cygnus]

If you have to instate rules in your relationship, I think that tells you all you need to know. If your mother wants to live a life of misery, that is her road to travel alone. Life is too short to be miserable the majority of it. Family is there to help and support each other, not to make each other miserable. If your mother wants help to stop always having problems, awesome..and help her..if not..well...You have your own life and family to worry about now. If guilt is the only thing keeping the relationship together, it is time to move on...

[stroozette]

My mother, also definitely an "F" had many of the same characteristics. I gained a lot of peace and after a friend suggested that she might have borderline personality disorder and did some research . Try to find the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Back Your Life When Someone You Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder, " by Paul T. Mason M.S. and Randi Kreger, after you do a google for the disorder and decide if what you read feels right.

[ArtistTyrant]

it sounds like something is wrong with her, as the guilt tripping and inappropriate shows of negative emotion show some sort of disorder...i advise you to try to get her to join a support group or something, maybe she needs medication?

[ya lyublyu tebya]

That sounds like it could be
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! Does that seem to fit? My girlfriend is an F, and she'd probably have told her to never speak to her again unless she pulled her act together, long ago. There's definitely something seriously wrong on your mom's part.

[Chayse]

Thanks you for the support. I am doing a little research into the possible issues my mother may have. Finding out there is a specific reason (psychological or otherwise) would really help me know what to do. It is a horrible thing to have to tell someone - don't come crying to me and really mean it. It is like the boy who cried wolf, if my mother had a genuine (new) issue I think I would just brush it off as shes just unstable.

It is really hard because on one hand I would love to have a good relationship with her, and on the other I am ready to just cut her completely from my life!

---------- Post added 02-25-2010 at 04:19 PM ----------

@stroozette

I have just been reading up on borderline personality disorder, it really seems to fit. Can I ask if your mother got diagnosed professionally? Or you just saw your mothers traits in the description and identified her as being BPD yourself? Due to the nature of my mothers personality - I am not keen to bust out with "Maybe you should go find out if you are BPD". Obviously I haven't had time to do extensive research yet, but what I have found so far seems to point to BPD.

[Still Standing]

I understand your desire to have a good relationship with her, but she has been using you ever since you were a child. That's not what loving parents do. If she can't get her act together and behave like a mother to you rather than a child, you've got to take care of yourself and do whatever necessary to achieve that. No matter your decision in the end regarding your relationship with her, I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

I cut off ties with my mother in 2001 and I am a fatherless only child. So yeah, this meant cutting off ties with basically my whole family. But she was also a child who needed a caring mother, and it never should have been up to me to fill that role.

[larkin]

Originally Posted by Chayse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have just been reading up on borderline personality disorder, it really seems to fit. Can I ask if your mother got diagnosed professionally? Or you just saw your mothers traits in the description and identified her as being BPD yourself? Due to the nature of my mothers personality - I am not keen to bust out with "Maybe you should go find out if you are BPD". Obviously I haven't had time to do extensive research yet, but what I have found so far seems to point to BPD.

I definitely would not recommend you suggest to her that she has any disorder. It's an understandable instinct, but it's still coming out of a desire to fix her - and since she can't be fixed, that desire continues a dynamic that's been difficult and probably not healthy for you. She's not in any place to hear it, and it shouldn't fall to you to tell her.

All you can do is continue to try to set boundaries, with the acknowledgement that she'll probably continue to fail to respect them. At that point, whether or not you want to continue the relationship is up to you.

[Poppysmic]

It's simple. Every time you walk into a situation with your mother you come out with negative thoughts/feelings. It takes you months to recover from damage created in days. Why would you continue putting yourself in that situation? What is your mother giving you that you keep going back for, anything? You can research all you want about psychological disorders, but misdiagnosis would be a terrible outcome of this event. Though everyone is individual, I would not approach my mother saying I think you may have this disorder... If I were you, I would simply tell her I care about you and I want our relationship to work. I would also say that I feel like I'm putting in my best effort to make it work, but I feel it's not being reciprocated. I'm worried about you and I want the best for you and I'm afraid our relationship isn't going to work unless you seek out help from an unbiased professional so that you and I can have a positive relationship. If that doesn't work, I'd cut her off.

[Marcia]

Bad parents = more trouble than they are worth. She had her shot at life and she failed. Don't go down with her.

[Cygnus]

Originally Posted by Chayse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Thanks you for the support. I am doing a little research into the possible issues my mother may have. Finding out there is a specific reason (psychological or otherwise) would really help me know what to do. It is a horrible thing to have to tell someone - don't come crying to me and really mean it. It is like the boy who cried wolf, if my mother had a genuine (new) issue I think I would just brush it off as shes just unstable. It is really hard because on one hand I would love to have a good relationship with her, and on the other I am ready to just cut her completely from my life! ---------- Post added 02-25-2010 at 04:19 PM ---------- @stroozette I have just been reading up on borderline personality disorder, it really seems to fit. Can I ask if your mother got diagnosed professionally? Or you just saw your mothers traits in the description and identified her as being BPD yourself? Due to the nature of my mothers personality - I am not keen to bust out with "Maybe you should go find out if you are BPD". Obviously I haven't had time to do extensive research yet, but what I have found so far seems to point to BPD.

I going to throw this out there too. Maybe you need to not react so badly to her mannerisms. You are not stuck in the same household anymore, you really have no good reason to allow her this much control over you. It is understandable to be irritable while having to directly deal with her...but it really should not linger that long after the fact. Perhaps things caught you are a bad time with additional concerns...or it could be part of your mother is in you too...even the parts you hate...

[Tough Love]

Have you spoken to your father about it? What is his view of her emotions?

[paulm]

Does she have anyone else to rant at? She may not be able to rant at her husband about their relationship problems, and if there's no-one else, she'll end up ranting at you.

[Tough Love]

I believe that people who wallow in self pity and misery just need a good old kick up the backside. A reality check which puts them in their place and makes then realize that life isnt all that bad after all.

[Lucky]

I understand that you feel horrible after having seen her. She really sounds very self absorbed and for a big part she stole your childhood from you.

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[IpsoFacto]

How to deal with an overly emotional (major "F") family member?


I didn't have time to read the whole initial post at the moment, but my answer is: almost, if not total, avoidance. There's nothing special about being related, we're all part of the same gene pool.

Neurotic people are just not worth the trouble.

Make a new family with people you are compatible with.

[Chayse]

Thanks for all the feedback (and person who pm me with some more info). I still have siblings that live at home with my parents that I care about.

I think we are just at opposite ends of the spectrum - I am a strong T over F, which can make me a bit blunt and insensitive at times... and for a F who takes everything personally it can result in a lot of miscommunications (sorry if this is not a real word to the spelling police!) and misunderstandings. I take my part of the blame, but on the whole she is just so erratic, nonsensical and emotional I really do feel that the BDP fits her to a tee. Will do more research...

---------- Post added 02-26-2010 at 04:29 PM ----------

@Lucky - the resource you shared also fits with the situation. Thanks for sharing it with me.

[fiver]

This is more than an "F" issue - MBTI measures normal populations - you are describing someone who is far out of the range of normal behavior and is abusive and inappropriate. I have a few very inappropriate family members - BTDT - therapy was really, really helpful in terms of learning to set boundaries and protect myself without the guilt. Given the situation you are dealing with, someone with a PhD who is going to understand the severity of your mom's illness and therefore be able to help you separate yourself from her destructive influence would be really good. I took a long break from my situation to get my head straight, and told my parent I would be doing so, but if you have younger siblings still in the house, that's harder. I wish you peace; these things are complicated but if you are willing to do the work it takes to improve things, things definitely get lots better.

[CycleBreaker]

Sounds like the result of a badly starved ego, and she's trying to make others feed it. But that's her job. Don't indulge, it only perpetuates the process. She has to take responsibility for her problems. Not much you can do but listen with much detachment (spoken with experience).

[stroozette]

Sorry this took two years to answer
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I hope that you and your mother have come to some sort of equilibrium -- my mother was not diagnosed as BLPD, even though she was in therapy for much of her adult life. A friend suggested to me that her actions indicated that and so, after doing some research, I decided that I would take this point of view. It really made it much easier to deal with her.

[annaelizabeth]

Wow this thread is old! Sorry I didn't respond earlier. I'm going through this right now with my grandmother, who is basically like a mother to me. Set boundaries and let her know you're not going to entertain a pity party anymore. Limit your contact. If she calls and starts in with the complaining, tell her that you can't listen to this right now and you have to go. You're not being heartless (I felt that way too which is why I allowed this to continue for so long). You are protecting yourself. She will find other people to complain to. Now that I have limited contact with my grandmother she is finding other outlets for her misery (neighbors, other family members, etc...) It's not working out great for her because she loves to dump guilt on me, but I'm not allowing it anymore.

This line : "I have had the most dreadful weekend ever, but I'm not going to tell you about it because I know you don't want to hear my problems..." yeah, I hear that too from mine. It's a guilt trip. I've been called insensitive as well when I try to put up my boundaries with her. She's told me I obviously don't care about her much if I don't want to listen to her complain. Don't buy into it. It's an act of manipulation to get you to do what she wants which is listen and sympathize with her continually.