Tips for surviving parties

**anna101** · 02-07-2010, 02:48 PM

Hi,

I went to a (kids') party this afternoon, and felt like I was in the seventh circle of hell, despite being among some friends (and lots of vaguely-recognised people and strangers). I know I'm not alone in feeling like this... so I don't exactly feel bad per se, but I do wish I could get more out of these social events rather than risk feeling a failure for being so crap at 'networking'.

My question (which occurred to me whilst watching everyone else demonstrating how much they were enjoying themselves) is this: What tips and tricks do you have to help you survive - nay, enjoy - parties? Do you look for certain kinds of people to strike up a meaningful conversation, or have any opening lines which help to oil the wheels of sociability?

Booze is one answer of course... but not entirely appropriate for kids' parties and nativity plays!

I'm new here, by the way, but thanks in advance for helping me out.

**Still Standing** · 02-07-2010, 03:44 PM

I avoid parties altogether but some suggest that, as an introvert, you offer to help the host/ess with tasks in order to avoid the small talk and "pointless" interaction.

Oh, and welcome aboard
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**paulm** · 02-07-2010, 03:48 PM

I host my own parties (max people I ever invited was 7) and I know the people. So I know what kinds of things to talk about.

When I'm invited to parties where there's no-one I know, I often don't have a lot to talk about and silence quickly follows. It helps to find something in common in the people there, so you can have a nice chat about it with them. There might even be a few introverts in the crowd who'd enjoy a good conversation with you, as opposed to the bullshitting and small talk that's going on. So keep an eye out for people who also seem a bit out of place, they might be worth getting to know better.

**Theaetetus** · 02-07-2010, 04:05 PM

I go to a semi-quiet portion of the room and be quiet. I might just be taking in everything, enjoying it. Someone usually strikes up a conversation. It might grow into a small group. I dazzle* with my knowledge, accomplishments, and confidence. I resist the urge to bullshit and I'm pretty much genuine, and a surprising number of folks are into that. In fact, you might even reveal the hidden INTJ in many people who suppress it and act like an idiot because of their idiot friends.

Some people like dancing at parties, and some like getting wrecked. I just do my own thing, like everyone else.

*Infomercials in the 90s really did a number on that word...

**Melchizedek** · 02-07-2010, 04:32 PM

I find that humor does wonders.

**Onigumo13** · 02-07-2010, 05:04 PM

1. Stay focused don't loose the sight of the door which is called "Exit" .
2. Better host your own party max people from 3 to 6 .
3. Nod your head a lot let people think that you are listening to them , which is actually you don't so let them think you do , care about what they are saying .
3. Watch at your wrist watch a lot looking at the time .
4. Have some food analyze people try to study them and be bored .
5.Go over to the person that hosts this party , and " Dramatic pause " tell him a lie that you have to visit your distant relative at hospital , take your coat and hat run straight for your home or flat , and be advised not to look back .

**admittedheretic** · 02-07-2010, 05:08 PM

I usually look for something to do like games or go where the center of attention is on something or someone interesting. When I'm having fun I find conversations come easier and in such scenarios I'm able to make use of ad lib humor.

**trader7891** · 02-07-2010, 05:36 PM

I just hope the TV is on so I can stare at the screen and pretend whatever is showing is really interesting...

**vampyroteuthis** · 02-07-2010, 05:45 PM

I usually make some small talk, and then go sit by the sidelines when I feel overwhelmed. I try to find something with which to look busy, e.g. looking through the bookshelf in the living room, examining their decorative stuff. At adult parties, oftentimes another introvert will find me and we spend the whole time talking in a corner and it's wonderful. And when it's another introvert, they won't expect that an evening of good conversation needs to turn into a lasting friendship.

If it's a kids' party another thing you can do is be the quiet adult in the corner. Chances are the introvert kids will find you and be relieved to have someone to interact with without being expected to be loud. I know I always gravitated to quiet adults at kids' parties when I was a kid myself. And then you can start a board game or storytelling session or something, which is much more restful than doing the standard adult small talk, but doesn't make you seem like a total hermit.

**Warrior** · 02-07-2010, 07:08 PM

Most of the parties I go to are for my kids and there is a core group of about six kids that are on our party circuit. I've found a couple parents that I have something in common with and usually gravitate toward them for the duration.

If it is a work prty, same general thing. I tend to work my way over toward the group of my closest coworkers and spend most of the time there. We almost always have something to discuss.

**ya lyublyu tebya** · 02-07-2010, 07:52 PM

I just don't go.
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And believe me, half those people who look as if they're enjoying themselves really aren't. At all.

**Synapse** · 02-07-2010, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by Theaetetus
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I go to a semi-quiet portion of the room and be quiet. I might just be taking in everything, enjoying it. Someone usually strikes up a conversation. It might grow into a small group. I dazzle* with my knowledge, accomplishments, and confidence. I resist the urge to bullshit and I'm pretty much genuine, and a surprising number of folks are into that. In fact, you might even reveal the hidden INTJ in many people who suppress it and act like an idiot because of their idiot friends.

Guaranteed at large parties: someone who doesn't feel completely comfortable at parties along with you. Find those people, find the introverts, find someone to make a pseudo-meaningful connection with. That will help you survive, especially if fleeing isn't a viable option...

**anna101** · 02-08-2010, 01:01 PM

Thanks everyone.

So, to summarise (in no particular order), I should choose one of the following:
1. Avoid
2. Hold one (a party) of your own, with people you actually like to talk with
3. Find a similarly thoughtful-looking person and hope that they're actually thoughtful rather than painfully shy and awkward. With an opening sentence which doesn't intrude or insult... hey, possibly an opening sentence slagging off the whole party-hearty business!?
4. Find something in common with aforementioned thoughtful-looking person.
5. Find a comfort zone in which to potter (kitchen or kids' corner) doing something useful.

Anything else? If you were the "other" thoughtful-looking person who might appreciate a conversation, how do you start talking without resorting to small talk?

Yesterday I observed, and ignored, a number of opportunities when I easily could have said "so how do you know such and such" (or whatever) but I honestly truly couldn't be bothered - I just don't care to know what their answers are, until (...I think this is the reason...) they have proved themselves worthy of my further enquiry! On the other hand, I might be persuaded to care about talking on a more meaningful level, but that kind of meaningfulness is hard to come by when you've not even met yet.

I try to explain this to my husband and he just totally doesn't understand. At All. I think he is ISFJ or ESFJ, certainly not one who gets bothered by people being around. (Sorry, that last piece of information was utterly meaningless in the context of this thread. I should delete it but have now typed too far and expended too much effort in making poor excuses...)

**LogicLady** · 02-08-2010, 01:27 PM

I try to find one or two people to go off and talk to in a corner. Sometimes I find some really interesting people. I've actually enjoyed some parties like that.

What I hate, though, is when people start spouting complete bullshit (as if there isn't enough out there) and then I have the choice of:

1. standing there smiling and nodding thinking I'm betraying myself by letting misconceptions -- often downright dangerous misconceptions -- spread further.

2. respectfully pointing out their bad logic (supported with evidence, I assure you) and then being ganged up on by everyone telling me how I'm such a bitch for being so negative at a party. Then there's the "Everyone is entitled to their opinions!" somehow followed by how I should keep mine to myself.

That is why I hate parties and especially family functions.

**vampyroteuthis** · 02-08-2010, 01:33 PM

	Originally Posted by anna101 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Anything else? If you were the "other" thoughtful-looking person who might appreciate a conversation, how do you start talking without resorting to small talk?

What works for me is making a statement about how uncomfortable/tired I am, in a confiding, smiley sort of way, e.g., gesturing in the direction of someone who's being particularly raucously happy and saying, with a grin and implicit wink, "How do I learn to be *that* guy?"

Last time I did that I ended up chatting with a lovely woman who had just started reading about introversion, and she recommended some great books and we spent the whole party trading tips on how to handle parties.

**Grimace** · 02-08-2010, 09:14 PM

I guess it depend on your demographic, but as a university student, my only means of getting through them (especially if I'm not hosting the party, which I would rather do) is to get fucking wasted. This is often because my friends just deny me my introversion and coerce me to going out at least sometimes, and I relent eventually. Though, once i get to a stage of intense drunkeness, I tend to sometimes say incredibly scathing (but true) things to people I dislike and/or do not respect.

Anyone with similar strategy?

**vampyroteuthis** · 02-08-2010, 09:26 PM

Originally Posted by Grimace
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I guess it depend on your demographic, but as a university student, my only means of getting through them (especially if I'm not hosting the party, which I would rather do) is to get fucking wasted. This is often because my friends just deny me my introversion and coerce me to going out at least sometimes, and I relent eventually. Though, once i get to a stage of intense drunkeness, I tend to sometimes say incredibly scathing (but true) things to people I dislike and/or do not respect.

Anyone with similar strategy?

I was having this conversation with my also-introverted roommate today. We avoid parties like the plague. I asked her (thinking about this thread), how do you handle it when you do have to go to a party? She said she drinks like crazy and lets other people talk. I'm much the same way, and so is my best friend at home. It's the only time we overindulge in alcohol. There just doesn't seem to be any other way to handle the situation.

Fortunately I've just developed and cultivated a reputation for being curmudgeonly over the past few years, so most people don't push me to attend any more. A painful hangover twice a year is manageable if it's what I need to survive the situation.

**Kisai** · 02-08-2010, 09:49 PM

Find the hottest mom and a discreet bedroom.

**BrooklynBoy** · 02-09-2010, 11:36 AM

My first choice to look for somone with whom I can have an interesting, mentally stimulating conversation with. If that doesn't work I use humor. That always works for me.

**sage33** · 02-09-2010, 07:36 PM

ditto with what BrooklynBoy said.
Either that or I just go to parties where I don't to talk such as going clubbing. The music is usually too loud for conversations anyway and I can just dance the night away.

**visitor** · 02-09-2010, 07:43 PM

Some vodka inside a water bottle.

**Geminii** · 02-09-2010, 09:48 PM

	Originally Posted by Synapse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Find those people, find the introverts

We're in the kitchen.

**Tactical Panda** · 02-10-2010, 01:37 AM

I like to eventually get my friends to sit down and get them talking at parties. After that just relax. Sometimes my friends even take pictures of me spacing out. They don't seem to mind.

**SLN** · 02-10-2010, 02:28 AM

What works for me is forcing myself to look at it from a different perspective. I really like learning new things and improving my skills. So when I tell myself I'm there to learn about behavior and communication (good skills for work!) it feels more like a 'project' than enduring torture.

**restless** · 11-05-2012, 10:11 AM

Turn the situation into a learning exercise. Force yourself to look at these people in a different light. It helps pass the time and you may even surprise yourself. If you truly believe that there isn't anything of substance to be learned from a group of strangers, you have some work to do.

02-07-2010, 02:48 PM	#1
anna101 New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 3	Hi, I went to a (kids') party this afternoon, and felt like I was in the seventh circle of hell, despite being among some friends (and lots of vaguely-recognised people and strangers). I know I'm not alone in feeling like this... so I don't exactly feel bad per se, but I do wish I could get more out of these social events rather than risk feeling a failure for being so crap at 'networking'. My question (which occurred to me whilst watching everyone else demonstrating how much they were enjoying themselves) is this: What tips and tricks do you have to help you survive - nay, enjoy - parties? Do you look for certain kinds of people to strike up a meaningful conversation, or have any opening lines which help to oil the wheels of sociability? Booze is one answer of course... but not entirely appropriate for kids' parties and nativity plays! I'm new here, by the way, but thanks in advance for helping me out.
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02-07-2010, 03:44 PM	#2
Still Standing Core Member [138%] MBTI: Isfp Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 5,543	I avoid parties altogether but some suggest that, as an introvert, you offer to help the host/ess with tasks in order to avoid the small talk and "pointless" interaction. Oh, and welcome aboard To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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02-07-2010, 03:48 PM	#3
paulm Member [07%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 297	I host my own parties (max people I ever invited was 7) and I know the people. So I know what kinds of things to talk about. When I'm invited to parties where there's no-one I know, I often don't have a lot to talk about and silence quickly follows. It helps to find something in common in the people there, so you can have a nice chat about it with them. There might even be a few introverts in the crowd who'd enjoy a good conversation with you, as opposed to the bullshitting and small talk that's going on. So keep an eye out for people who also seem a bit out of place, they might be worth getting to know better.
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02-07-2010, 04:05 PM	#4
Theaetetus Member [09%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 364	I go to a semi-quiet portion of the room and be quiet. I might just be taking in everything, enjoying it. Someone usually strikes up a conversation. It might grow into a small group. I dazzle* with my knowledge, accomplishments, and confidence. I resist the urge to bullshit and I'm pretty much genuine, and a surprising number of folks are into that. In fact, you might even reveal the hidden INTJ in many people who suppress it and act like an idiot because of their idiot friends. Some people like dancing at parties, and some like getting wrecked. I just do my own thing, like everyone else. *Infomercials in the 90s really did a number on that word...
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02-07-2010, 04:32 PM	#5
Melchizedek Member [29%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,199	I find that humor does wonders.
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02-07-2010, 05:04 PM	#6
Onigumo13 Core Member [108%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 4,326	1. Stay focused don't loose the sight of the door which is called "Exit" . 2. Better host your own party max people from 3 to 6 . 3. Nod your head a lot let people think that you are listening to them , which is actually you don't so let them think you do , care about what they are saying . 3. Watch at your wrist watch a lot looking at the time . 4. Have some food analyze people try to study them and be bored . 5.Go over to the person that hosts this party , and " Dramatic pause " tell him a lie that you have to visit your distant relative at hospital , take your coat and hat run straight for your home or flat , and be advised not to look back .
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02-07-2010, 05:08 PM	#7
admittedheretic Veteran Member [69%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 2,794	I usually look for something to do like games or go where the center of attention is on something or someone interesting. When I'm having fun I find conversations come easier and in such scenarios I'm able to make use of ad lib humor.
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02-07-2010, 05:36 PM	#8
trader7891 New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 67	I just hope the TV is on so I can stare at the screen and pretend whatever is showing is really interesting...
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02-07-2010, 05:45 PM	#9
vampyroteuthis Core Member [181%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 7,267	I usually make some small talk, and then go sit by the sidelines when I feel overwhelmed. I try to find something with which to look busy, e.g. looking through the bookshelf in the living room, examining their decorative stuff. At adult parties, oftentimes another introvert will find me and we spend the whole time talking in a corner and it's wonderful. And when it's another introvert, they won't expect that an evening of good conversation needs to turn into a lasting friendship. If it's a kids' party another thing you can do is be the quiet adult in the corner. Chances are the introvert kids will find you and be relieved to have someone to interact with without being expected to be loud. I know I always gravitated to quiet adults at kids' parties when I was a kid myself. And then you can start a board game or storytelling session or something, which is much more restful than doing the standard adult small talk, but doesn't make you seem like a total hermit.
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02-07-2010, 07:08 PM	#10
Warrior Core Member [228%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 9,139	Most of the parties I go to are for my kids and there is a core group of about six kids that are on our party circuit. I've found a couple parents that I have something in common with and usually gravitate toward them for the duration. If it is a work prty, same general thing. I tend to work my way over toward the group of my closest coworkers and spend most of the time there. We almost always have something to discuss.
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02-07-2010, 07:52 PM	#11
ya lyublyu tebya Member [16%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 666	I just don't go. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. And believe me, half those people who look as if they're enjoying themselves really aren't. At all.
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02-08-2010, 01:01 PM	#13
anna101 New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 3	Thanks everyone. So, to summarise (in no particular order), I should choose one of the following: 1. Avoid 2. Hold one (a party) of your own, with people you actually like to talk with 3. Find a similarly thoughtful-looking person and hope that they're actually thoughtful rather than painfully shy and awkward. With an opening sentence which doesn't intrude or insult... hey, possibly an opening sentence slagging off the whole party-hearty business!? 4. Find something in common with aforementioned thoughtful-looking person. 5. Find a comfort zone in which to potter (kitchen or kids' corner) doing something useful. Anything else? If you were the "other" thoughtful-looking person who might appreciate a conversation, how do you start talking without resorting to small talk? Yesterday I observed, and ignored, a number of opportunities when I easily could have said "so how do you know such and such" (or whatever) but I honestly truly couldn't be bothered - I just don't care to know what their answers are, until (...I think this is the reason...) they have proved themselves worthy of my further enquiry! On the other hand, I might be persuaded to care about talking on a more meaningful level, but that kind of meaningfulness is hard to come by when you've not even met yet. I try to explain this to my husband and he just totally doesn't understand. At All. I think he is ISFJ or ESFJ, certainly not one who gets bothered by people being around. (Sorry, that last piece of information was utterly meaningless in the context of this thread. I should delete it but have now typed too far and expended too much effort in making poor excuses...)
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02-08-2010, 01:27 PM	#14
LogicLady New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 64	I try to find one or two people to go off and talk to in a corner. Sometimes I find some really interesting people. I've actually enjoyed some parties like that. What I hate, though, is when people start spouting complete bullshit (as if there isn't enough out there) and then I have the choice of: 1. standing there smiling and nodding thinking I'm betraying myself by letting misconceptions -- often downright dangerous misconceptions -- spread further. 2. respectfully pointing out their bad logic (supported with evidence, I assure you) and then being ganged up on by everyone telling me how I'm such a bitch for being so negative at a party. Then there's the "Everyone is entitled to their opinions!" somehow followed by how I should keep mine to myself. That is why I hate parties and especially family functions.
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02-08-2010, 09:14 PM	#16
Grimace Member [12%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 486	I guess it depend on your demographic, but as a university student, my only means of getting through them (especially if I'm not hosting the party, which I would rather do) is to get fucking wasted. This is often because my friends just deny me my introversion and coerce me to going out at least sometimes, and I relent eventually. Though, once i get to a stage of intense drunkeness, I tend to sometimes say incredibly scathing (but true) things to people I dislike and/or do not respect. Anyone with similar strategy?
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02-08-2010, 09:49 PM	#18
Kisai Core Member [354%] MBTI: XXXX Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 14,166	Find the hottest mom and a discreet bedroom.
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02-09-2010, 11:36 AM	#19
BrooklynBoy Member [29%] MBTI: ISTP Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 1,194	My first choice to look for somone with whom I can have an interesting, mentally stimulating conversation with. If that doesn't work I use humor. That always works for me.
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02-09-2010, 07:36 PM	#20
sage33 Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 202	ditto with what BrooklynBoy said. Either that or I just go to parties where I don't to talk such as going clubbing. The music is usually too loud for conversations anyway and I can just dance the night away.
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02-09-2010, 07:43 PM	#21
visitor Member [05%] MBTI: iNtj Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 217	Some vodka inside a water bottle.
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02-10-2010, 01:37 AM	#23
Tactical Panda Core Member [133%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 5,328	I like to eventually get my friends to sit down and get them talking at parties. After that just relax. Sometimes my friends even take pictures of me spacing out. They don't seem to mind.
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02-10-2010, 02:28 AM	#24
SLN New Member [01%] MBTI: INfJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 76	What works for me is forcing myself to look at it from a different perspective. I really like learning new things and improving my skills. So when I tell myself I'm there to learn about behavior and communication (good skills for work!) it feels more like a 'project' than enduring torture.
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11-05-2012, 10:11 AM	#25
restless New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 8	Turn the situation into a learning exercise. Force yourself to look at these people in a different light. It helps pass the time and you may even surprise yourself. If you truly believe that there isn't anything of substance to be learned from a group of strangers, you have some work to do.
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