New Romance Issue...

**Oxphocker** · 01-31-2010, 02:03 PM

Ok, so I started seeing someone recently and there's a pretty small social circle here. However, an issue is cropping up and I'm sort of split on how to address it. The relationship itself is going quite well, but I've had two friends who are also in the same social circle come up to me expressing how I was stealing her away from them and they never see her anymore...

Now my first impression is that they are just joking, but in the back of my head I'm wondering if what sounds like joking is really burying a truth inside and they are actually angered about it?

If so...how to go about addressing it? My personal impression is to just tell them that life's tough and suck it up...not everyone gets what they want. The other idea goes around the fact that I'm actually happy spending time with her and I know she is as well and I like seeing her happy like that.

I dunno...I'm probably just overthinking all of this - INTJ overthinking ahoy!

**WoodsWoman** · 01-31-2010, 02:07 PM

Not everyone gets what they want - that's the way it works. Relationships do change social dynamics: you're not going to continue to socialize the same way as a couple as you did when single.

**Dreikner** · 01-31-2010, 02:30 PM

If they think you steal her from them they probably didn't deserve to see her in the first place. It must be her decision who she wants to spend her time with so unless you actually kidnapped her you are not doing anything wrong. If they really wanted to see her more they should bring that up with her, not you.
I really can't see how it would be reasonable to think of this as your problem, but if it bothers you then I think you should try and reason with them.

Cooper · 01-31-2010, 03:14 PM

That is the norm for every relationship in the begining. The new couple send 99.9% of their time together! That's why its called "The Honeymoon" period. If the friends got into a relationship with someone, would they send all their time with the buds or the S.O.?

**LaoTzu** · 01-31-2010, 04:12 PM

Isn't it possible that they want to spend time with you too?

Or maybe, they think you two spend too much time together...

**Causa Mortis** · 01-31-2010, 09:19 PM

	Originally Posted by Oxphocker To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My personal impression is to just tell them that life's tough and suck it up...not everyone gets what they want.

Yup. No one here owes them anything...I don't envy them but you don't owe them anything.

Also, if she's the type that cycles through a social circle, she may be fickle, particularly if she's in the 17-21 age range.

**Dru** · 01-31-2010, 11:34 PM

uuugh. my best friend's boyfriend has the same mindset. he doesn't like me (that would be understating it, i think, given that he refers to me as a whore to his friends) for the simple fact that he feels like i'm "stealing her away" from him because we spend time together. not that we spend too much time together... just that we do at all. >_>

anyway... even if they were being the slightest bit serious, people aren't property. if she's spending more time with you than she does them, it's probably because you're still in the early stages of your relationship.

then again, maybe she doesn't actually like them all that much, and having a boyfriend is a good excuse to opt out of social engagements. *shrug*

any way the cookie crumbles, i wouldn't sweat it. as long as the two of you are happy in your relationship and aren't *totally* neglectful of everyone else in your newly-found bliss, you have nothing to worry about.

**Oxphocker** · 02-01-2010, 05:40 AM

For the record, we're both in our mid 20s. And it's not like all of us don't hang out from time to time - like I said, it's a very small social circle here. But I do thank everyone for their opinions...I do think that I just need to let this go and not let it bother me.

**Lil** · 02-03-2010, 05:11 AM

If these people feel that Mary Lou is spending more time with you than with them, why aren't they inviting Mary Lou to more things, calling her, telling her to bring you along... to go to the new boyfriend and complain makes NO sense to me.

Definitely ignore them. I wouldn't be rude to them (i.e., don't tell them to "just suck it up"), but don't encourage that sort of thinking/behavior by taking it seriously. Something like, "Hey- I don't tell her what to do or how to live her life."

**JohnDoe** · 02-03-2010, 08:45 AM

Your "friends" are being dicks. I recommend telling them that.

**plotthickens** · 02-03-2010, 09:04 AM

"This short honeymoon period is normal. I'm having a good time. She's having a good time. Not only are you pi$$ing on our good times, you're showing yourselves to be poor sports. If/when this Honeymoon is over, what makes you think either of us will want to hang around poor sports who want to pi$$ on our good feelings?"

**themuzicman** · 02-04-2010, 11:53 AM

This happens to any social circle. When two people move into a romantic phase, they see lots more of each other, and less of the rest of the group. That changes the dynamic for everyone, and sometimes this change is misunderstood.

If you think they're being serious, then schedule a "date" that includes them every now and then, and be sure to have the conversation that this relationship has changed, and that means that time requirements change, and assure them that you're all still friends.

And do be sure to make some time for them, too.

**trader7891** · 02-10-2010, 06:27 PM

Its only interesting to see that the poll results indicate that the two majority groups of voters either engage and eliminate the threat (Be upfront) or couldn't even be bothered to engage the concern since its not their problem (Its their issue, not yours, ignore).

But the one thing that we'd never do - - - - - Address it quietly and subtly.

=)

**Discombobulate** · 02-10-2010, 10:52 PM

Start with "Address it quietly and subtly..." in my opinion, since relationships (both romantic and platonic) are delicate issues where people will behave irrationally and out of character, and it's probably best to give them a chance (unless you don't like them and desire an excuse to alienate them).

However if they don't promptly get the point, then quickly progress to "Be upfront with the friends about the situation", and if they still continue to be jerks over it I would put them in the category "waste of my time, move on and find new friends".

Really, if there's one thing I've learned about friendships it's this: There are billions of people in the world, and you don't necessarily owe any one group anything. Finding a genuinely good group of friends who don't make you want to hide and become an extreme introvert is essential, in my opinion, to a healthy, happy life. And from my experience this is actually possible, believe it or not
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**Zsych** · 02-11-2010, 03:07 PM

Yes, losing friends to romantic relationships is annoying. On the other hand, people have a right to romantic relationships and being happy and your friends should accept that.

I might mention to your girlfriend that your other friends care about her and miss her because of the time she's spending with you, and then come up with an agreed upon course of action, that makes you both happier.

View Poll Results: What to do?
You're overthinking it...	8	15.09%
Be upfront with the friends about the situation.	15	28.30%
Address it quietly and subtly...	0	0%
It's their issue, not yours...just ignore it.	28	52.83%
Other.	2	3.77%
Voters: 53. You may not vote on this poll

01-31-2010, 02:03 PM	#1
Oxphocker Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 84	Ok, so I started seeing someone recently and there's a pretty small social circle here. However, an issue is cropping up and I'm sort of split on how to address it. The relationship itself is going quite well, but I've had two friends who are also in the same social circle come up to me expressing how I was stealing her away from them and they never see her anymore... Now my first impression is that they are just joking, but in the back of my head I'm wondering if what sounds like joking is really burying a truth inside and they are actually angered about it? If so...how to go about addressing it? My personal impression is to just tell them that life's tough and suck it up...not everyone gets what they want. The other idea goes around the fact that I'm actually happy spending time with her and I know she is as well and I like seeing her happy like that. I dunno...I'm probably just overthinking all of this - INTJ overthinking ahoy!
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01-31-2010, 02:07 PM	#2
WoodsWoman Core Member [896%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 35,865	Not everyone gets what they want - that's the way it works. Relationships do change social dynamics: you're not going to continue to socialize the same way as a couple as you did when single.
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01-31-2010, 02:30 PM	#3
Dreikner New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 15	If they think you steal her from them they probably didn't deserve to see her in the first place. It must be her decision who she wants to spend her time with so unless you actually kidnapped her you are not doing anything wrong. If they really wanted to see her more they should bring that up with her, not you. I really can't see how it would be reasonable to think of this as your problem, but if it bothers you then I think you should try and reason with them.
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01-31-2010, 03:14 PM	#4
Cooper Core Member [1338%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 53,559	That is the norm for every relationship in the begining. The new couple send 99.9% of their time together! That's why its called "The Honeymoon" period. If the friends got into a relationship with someone, would they send all their time with the buds or the S.O.?
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01-31-2010, 04:12 PM	#5
LaoTzu Core Member [106%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 4,263	Isn't it possible that they want to spend time with you too? Or maybe, they think you two spend too much time together...
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01-31-2010, 11:34 PM	#7
Dru Core Member [250%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 10,014	uuugh. my best friend's boyfriend has the same mindset. he doesn't like me (that would be understating it, i think, given that he refers to me as a whore to his friends) for the simple fact that he feels like i'm "stealing her away" from him because we spend time together. not that we spend too much time together... just that we do at all. >_> anyway... even if they were being the slightest bit serious, people aren't property. if she's spending more time with you than she does them, it's probably because you're still in the early stages of your relationship. then again, maybe she doesn't actually like them all that much, and having a boyfriend is a good excuse to opt out of social engagements. shrug any way the cookie crumbles, i wouldn't sweat it. as long as the two of you are happy in your relationship and aren't totally neglectful of everyone else in your newly-found bliss, you have nothing to worry about.
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02-01-2010, 05:40 AM	#8
Oxphocker Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 84	For the record, we're both in our mid 20s. And it's not like all of us don't hang out from time to time - like I said, it's a very small social circle here. But I do thank everyone for their opinions...I do think that I just need to let this go and not let it bother me.
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02-03-2010, 05:11 AM	#9
Lil Member [09%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 389	If these people feel that Mary Lou is spending more time with you than with them, why aren't they inviting Mary Lou to more things, calling her, telling her to bring you along... to go to the new boyfriend and complain makes NO sense to me. Definitely ignore them. I wouldn't be rude to them (i.e., don't tell them to "just suck it up"), but don't encourage that sort of thinking/behavior by taking it seriously. Something like, "Hey- I don't tell her what to do or how to live her life."
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02-03-2010, 08:45 AM	#10
JohnDoe Core Member [130%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5,203	Your "friends" are being dicks. I recommend telling them that.
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02-03-2010, 09:04 AM	#11
plotthickens Core Member [661%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26,450	"This short honeymoon period is normal. I'm having a good time. She's having a good time. Not only are you pi$$ing on our good times, you're showing yourselves to be poor sports. If/when this Honeymoon is over, what makes you think either of us will want to hang around poor sports who want to pi$$ on our good feelings?"
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02-04-2010, 11:53 AM	#12
themuzicman Core Member [284%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 11,363	This happens to any social circle. When two people move into a romantic phase, they see lots more of each other, and less of the rest of the group. That changes the dynamic for everyone, and sometimes this change is misunderstood. If you think they're being serious, then schedule a "date" that includes them every now and then, and be sure to have the conversation that this relationship has changed, and that means that time requirements change, and assure them that you're all still friends. And do be sure to make some time for them, too.
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02-10-2010, 06:27 PM	#13
trader7891 New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 67	Its only interesting to see that the poll results indicate that the two majority groups of voters either engage and eliminate the threat (Be upfront) or couldn't even be bothered to engage the concern since its not their problem (Its their issue, not yours, ignore). But the one thing that we'd never do - - - - - Address it quietly and subtly. =)
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02-10-2010, 10:52 PM	#14
Discombobulate New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 17	Start with "Address it quietly and subtly..." in my opinion, since relationships (both romantic and platonic) are delicate issues where people will behave irrationally and out of character, and it's probably best to give them a chance (unless you don't like them and desire an excuse to alienate them). However if they don't promptly get the point, then quickly progress to "Be upfront with the friends about the situation", and if they still continue to be jerks over it I would put them in the category "waste of my time, move on and find new friends". Really, if there's one thing I've learned about friendships it's this: There are billions of people in the world, and you don't necessarily owe any one group anything. Finding a genuinely good group of friends who don't make you want to hide and become an extreme introvert is essential, in my opinion, to a healthy, happy life. And from my experience this is actually possible, believe it or not To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. .
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02-11-2010, 03:07 PM	#15
Zsych Core Member [309%] MBTI: XNTX Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,366	Yes, losing friends to romantic relationships is annoying. On the other hand, people have a right to romantic relationships and being happy and your friends should accept that. I might mention to your girlfriend that your other friends care about her and miss her because of the time she's spending with you, and then come up with an agreed upon course of action, that makes you both happier.
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