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ENFP-INTJ relationships intj and enfp
Old 03-11-2008, 12:37 PM   #1
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I am looking for information on INTJ-ENFP relationships. Incidentally, I have a huge crush on this ENFP who is charming, popular, charismatic, wild and passionate. I am interested in genuine feedback from people who know from experience: What are some of the pros and cons of the INTJ-ENFP pair??
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Old 03-11-2008, 01:56 PM   #2
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Have a look at this page - might be useful for you:

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Old 03-11-2008, 04:06 PM   #3
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I'm dating an ENFP and while I love him, he annoys the stuffing out of me sometimes.

We both function from our N, but he's so extroverted that he actually thought when we first started dating that 'giving me space' meant he sat on the other end of the couch!
He has trouble understanding why I'm not as emotional and into feelings as him and I have trouble tolerating his tendency towards self-pity. But we make it work in our own way. I call him when I've had a bad day for sympathy and he calls me when his car breaks down. (He knows to call his mother when he needs sympathy. He tells me I give too much advice and not enough hugs.)

But on the positive side dating an N-type person is so much fun. He 'gets' me in that way - knowing that the rules are fluid depending on the circumstances, being able to accept that pure logic is a guide not authority and that attitude updates reality. We balance each other out a bit too. He's helped me develop an understanding of my F side and I've helped him with his T function. As much as I would really like to have a nice INT boyfriend, I know there are gifts in variety.
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Old 03-11-2008, 04:07 PM   #4
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My best friend (and the best friend role occupier before that, I think) is an ENFP. We tend to argue a lot, I guess since we differ on so many letters. But it's all in good fun. The best part has to be the unity of the N. I can come up with some random thing and he'll be like, I agree, or I was thinking the same thing!

It's a great breath of fresh air to see someone (relatively) normal and well-adjusted to have the same thinking pattern as you, even if he's a little emotional or sloppy every once in a while. You get to play off of each other's strengths. I know it's very easy to "live in the mind" in excess. So when I'm around him, I get to loosen up or give up control and just hang out and do social things.

I don't know what I'd do without him and I could only wish the same joy* upon my INTJ brethren and their ENFP relationships.

* This isn't actual joy. Just a simulacrum of joy, intended to replace the concept of "feeling". Thinking and analysis will resume in 3, 2, 1...
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Old 03-11-2008, 10:00 PM   #5
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I love ENFP's! One of my best friends is an ENFP and I find that I tend to attract ENFP's and surprisingly I completely relate and get along fantastically with almost all of them. I feel like ENFP's are just the extrovert version of an INTJ so even though the two types might seem very different at first, I think they have some kind of similar core. But I think this only seems to be true if the INTJ is not too much of an introvert and leans more towards extroversion than most other INTJ's.

My ENFP best friend and I used to say to each other if only one of us was a male, we'd totally marry each other, but neither of us is gay so...haha. Yeah, there are times when ENFPs can be annoying to an INTJ because they can be so ridiculously frivolous and just ridiculous in general, but it depends on how you take it. I just find them amusing and generally awesome while other INTJs may not want to deal with them at all. In general though, I think INTJ's and ENFP's make an ideal match. But of course that's just a generalization as individuals can differ so much even if they are the same type.

As for INTJ's and ENFP's having a romantic relationship, the ENFP will probably bring out the fun side of the INTJ while the INTJ brings out the somewhat serious side of an ENFP and they'll meet somewhere in the middle and I find, always have fun since they seem to really get each other despite seeming so different.

The only thing I can see as a con in a romantic relationship between an INTJ and an ENFP is that if the two are not completely devoted to each other, the ENFP tends to have a very short attention span with people and without meaning to hurt the other person might come off as always looking for the next fun person that catches their attention as they are very fun-loving and fun-chasing.
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Old 03-12-2008, 12:25 AM   #6
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I don't think I could date a P of any description. All the Ps I know irritate me too much because of their chronic lateness and disorganization. I know there are lots of positive qualities about them, but these differences would just annoy me too much, I think. ENFJ would be ok.
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Old 03-12-2008, 02:49 AM   #7
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The way I put it- INTJs have this morbid fascination with ENFPs. Kind of like when you're driving and you drive by a car accident. You want to stare at how messed up the cars are and all the flashing lights attract you like a bug to a porchlight (*zzzzapp*). Maybe it's just me, but the way ENFPs work, I just can't help but be fascinated.

One ENFP guy in particular, I swear, could be a revolutionist. His mind just thinks on a whole new level. I know an ENFP girl who balances me out perfectly...and an ENFP guy who is, I swear insane. He wears hawaiin shirts and shorts, patterns and colors completely different, all year long- even in winter. He's wanted to be a marine biologist, search for treasure in the carribbean, sail boats across the world,...NO DIRECTION FOR HIS LIFE...it's always changing. drives me crazy :P
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Old 03-12-2008, 04:06 AM   #8
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  Originally Posted by Colette
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I don't think I could date a P of any description. All the Ps I know irritate me too much because of their chronic lateness and disorganization. I know there are lots of positive qualities about them, but these differences would just annoy me too much, I think. ENFJ would be ok.

Agreed; I don't find their messiness attractive at all (not that P is inherently bad. It's just my opinion), but I'm drawn to ENTP and ESTP's. The rest of the P's... Nah. My favorite types are (besides INTJ) ENTJ, ESTJ, ENTP, ESTP and ISTJ. I have an ENFP friend, and she's just so emotional... It scares me.

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Old 11-04-2008, 06:06 PM   #9
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I went out with an ENFP for a while. She was GREAT in bed but I got bored of her always saying stupid shit.





c0ke added to this post, 1 minutes and 16 seconds later...

the first few months will be great, then you will get bored as hell of her
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Old 11-04-2008, 07:39 PM   #10
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  Originally Posted by c0ke
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I went out with an ENFP for a while. She was GREAT in bed but I got bored of her always saying stupid shit.





c0ke added to this post, 1 minutes and 16 seconds later...

the first few months will be great, then you will get bored as hell of her

*sigh*

You might be making up a rule based on a single experience. Just saying.

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Old 11-04-2008, 08:31 PM   #11
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  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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You might be making up a rule based on a single experience. Just saying.

You're constantly figuring us out, Jos.
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:38 PM   #12
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  Originally Posted by Marcus
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You're constantly figuring us out, Jos.
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That's why I'm here!!

To spy on your secret club
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Old 11-04-2008, 10:16 PM   #13
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  Originally Posted by c0ke
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I went out with an ENFP for a while. She was GREAT in bed but I got bored of her always saying stupid shit.





c0ke added to this post, 1 minutes and 16 seconds later...

the first few months will be great, then you will get bored as hell of her


My ENFP girlfriend is smarter than just about everyone I know (except for me!), and after three years I'm still not bored of her.


Our relationship is great. I think INTJ-ENFP works pretty damn well.

Though, I might add, ENTP females are just hot as all hell.

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Old 11-05-2008, 02:03 AM   #14
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  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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*sigh*

You might be making up a rule based on a single experience. Just saying.

Are you saying that ENFPs aren't all good in bed? I'm confused...

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Old 11-05-2008, 02:07 AM   #15
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  Originally Posted by dogwoodlover
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My ENFP girlfriend is smarter than just about everyone I know (except for me!), and after three years I'm still not bored of her.


Our relationship is great. I think INTJ-ENFP works pretty damn well.

Agreed, mostly because I think our type is "the ultimate asshole" type and ENF is probably our best match for just about anything to compensate for our weaknesses without getting on our nerves too much.

 
Though, I might add, ENTP females are just hot as all hell.

Want to know how I know you're gay?

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Old 11-05-2008, 10:09 AM   #16
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  Originally Posted by Sinequanon
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Are you saying that ENFPs aren't all good in bed? I'm confused...


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Watch it, Mister!

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Old 11-05-2008, 12:00 PM   #17
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  Originally Posted by c0ke
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I went out with an ENFP for a while. She was GREAT in bed but I got bored of her always saying stupid shit.

the first few months will be great, then you will get bored as hell of her

Rubbish.

Generalizing ENFPs based on one bad experience.. you fail.
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My ENFP boyfriend and I are together for almost seven years now, and boring or stupid are the last words I'd use to describe him. My two ENFP friends are also anything but stupid or boring.

Consider this: Maybe its just her. (Or, dare I say it, maybe its just you?)
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Old 12-04-2008, 05:23 AM   #18
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From experience:

When INTJs understand that they are the mature ones and allow ENFPs to annoy them, the possibility exists for a real relationship, often deep and long-term. It all depends on you, not the ENFP (But you know that already.)

You're lucky if you make it work with an ENFP that is younger than 30. (And probably quite tolerant.)

I'm 26 now and am only beginning to learn how annoying I am. I suspect it will take another 2 years to manage it... at least a little.

But I'm loveable. Haha :P
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Old 01-07-2009, 01:21 AM   #19
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Mmm...ENFP's.
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I am dating an ENFP guy now, have been for the better part of a year (...as mentioned, he does have a tendency to fly off after new people for awhile, but I'm distant and confident enough to handle this whereas the new people tend to get annoyed with him after awhile)

It's been quite the experience. I was completely captivated with him for a long time. Still am, though in a more manageable way now that I've known him longer. And I think he is learning to appreciate the fact that I can handle his annoying nature.

Honestly, at first, I thought he was more like me than anyone else I had ever met. Imagine my surprise to learn he was the opposite of me on so many letters. I agree with the other people who have said INTJ's and ENFP's have similar cores.

Point being, I think INTJs and ENFPs balance each other swimmingly.
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Old 01-07-2009, 09:23 AM   #20
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I'm looking for ENFP's to date. Any ideas on where I should be going to meet them? (Just north of Minneapolis)
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Old 01-07-2009, 10:10 AM   #21
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About the cores, you don't have similar "cores", you are just both N and the ENFP adjusts it's personality to anyone. ENTJ and INTJ have similar cores. Every type feels that the ENFP understands them because it's their main goal in life, to bring out the best in others and to have fun ofc.
My ENFP friend tells me that he always gets people to open up even when he doesn't try to. He just says the most supportive words automatically and everyone thinks he understands them. ENFPs are usually kind hearted, and they can be very beneficial to an INTJ because they'll open you up to new experiences and bring a little spontaneity in your life. Just don't try to be partners with them or to do business with them. They just like people too much to do business.
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Old 01-07-2009, 10:48 AM   #22
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The two people I've fallen hardest for were both ENFPs. The toughest thing about maintaining relationships with either of them wasn't their behavior, it was my infatuation. I dunno, I think it's probably a bad sign to begin with if you're attracted to somebody because they're everything you're not. It really seemed to bring out my insecurities and I was constantly getting hurt. I don't think it was really because they were ENFPs, so the caveat doesn't necessarily apply to you. But it is important to think about why you're attracted to someone, especially if they're your opposite in some ways, and what you may subconsciously expect them to be/do for you.

As for interacting with anyone close who's got a different style than you, I think it's important to always ask yourself, when you're hurt or irritated, whether they mean to do that to you. It seems simple but I think sometimes you really do have to constantly remind yourself that they're not trying to be irritating.
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Old 01-08-2009, 12:03 PM   #23
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I'm an ENFP, and I have more than a few INTJs in my life. Here's my interpretation of the relationships I have with them.

We compliment exceedingly well. This is likely due to this 'core' thing that keeps getting mentioned. We 'get' each other. The reason for this is likely very simple. In an EN-P, iNtuition is the dominant extraverted function. The same is true of IN-J's. Therefore, ENFPs and INTJs (as do ENTPs and INFJs) share a world view that is based on intuition first. That's where the strength of the relationship comes in. Our other functions (Extraversion/Introversion, Thinking/Feeling) are at once complimentary and contrary to one another, and therefore balance VERY well. We look at the world in the same way, but approach it very differently.

As friends, I count my INTJs as priceless. You guys have given me so much excellent advice over the years. Your ability to notice the subtle things that I notice, yet reason through them in ways that I can't allows you to constantly teach me and help me improve. Let me assure you that is no small feat, because it is difficult to learn from someone who is unaware of the subtleties that ENFPs are constantly barraged by. There are few in the world who can match ENFPs ability to perceive. Of those that can, they lack the ability that INTJs have, which is you guys also have the ability to explain things to me in ways I hadn't considered. I joke with my INTJs that every time I hang out with them, I gain another half point of IQ.

The down side is that the NT mix causes them to sometimes have trouble reacting to new information. While they have a lot of pattern recognition and are some of the most perceptive people I know, they usually have to process new information in depth before they can act upon it. Granted, once processed they understand it in MUCH greater detail than I ever will. But, I have found that my INTJs are often intractable until they do. This can be a serious problem if decisive action needs to be taken reflexively, or even quickly. I've had more than a few power struggles with my INTJs over this very issue, only to result in them realizing I was right the next day. For example, "We need to go now or we are going to be late." "You need to take this opportunity while it is available." In a lot of ways, my INTJs are so smart that it makes them occasionally dumb. They are correct so often that they trust their intellect implicitly, even when their intuition disagrees. As an ENFP, I never doubt an INTJs capacity for detailed and intricate understanding of patterns and systems. But, my INTJs don't seem to have the capacity to trust me to be right in my areas of strength until they've had a chance to process. Granted, this issue does NOT happen very often, but when it does, it can be a really big deal. As an ENFP, I am hurt that they won't trust me, especially when I can see that part of them agrees with me. As INTJs, I am assuming they are frustrated with my degree of impulsive urgency and demanding. I would dare say that the vast majority of my conflicts with INTJs stem from this one issue.

Surprisingly, I have very few arguments with INTJs over anything other than what I've just mentioned. Even more surprisingly, I've rarely lost an argument with an INTJ, because I don't take a stand unless I KNOW I'm right, and have the wisdom to know not to assume I am right just because I usually am.

INTJs are annoying when they confuse being correct with being right. The difference is very important to ENFPs. Being correct means that reason makes it so. Being right means that wisdom makes it so. Correctness is factual truth. Rightness is philosophical truth. 'The sky is blue' is a factual truth. 'The sky is beautiful' is truthful opinion. 'The sky needs to be unpolluted' is philosophical truth. My INTJs sometimes have trouble distinguishing the latter two, and have a lot of trouble understanding when the latter of the two truths take precedence over the former. For an ENFP, the latter two are the priority through which we affect the world. Correctness is only a tool to help us in our goal, and therefore secondary. Does it matter if the sky is blue so long as it is clean and beautiful? Only if you're using the degree of blueness as a measuring tool for clean or beautiful. We approach life like this. That's why we are 'messy', use the wrong word, can't spell, and all the other various quirks we have that drive you guys nuts. All of those little things are secondary, especially if they are not required to be precise to achieve the philosophical goal. To us logic is a tool to enact philosophy, not the other way around. This is a common point of tension between me and my INTJs, but it's not that big of a deal unless the INTJ is especially willful. Once they've had a chance to process things, and if they agree with my overall goal, they're usually on board 100% and can help the cause to a much greater degree than I ever could, even if the cause is just getting everyone to a movie at the same time.

INTJs are the most fun when they let me do my part, by trusting my abilities and gifts, especially the ones they don't share.

INTJs are the most beneficial when they are bringing to the relationship what I lack.

In romantic relationships, I've found INTJs to be highly stimulating intellectually, but not so much emotionally. We have a lot of fun together, and our friendships are second to none. But, I've never gotten an INTJ to grasp what it is that I need from romance, which is a deeper reflexive selfless emotional interaction. Passion and sensuality, the INTJs are able to do just fine. The problem is that they are a little pragmatic and clinical, and it is always just enough to constantly remind me that we are two people in a room interacting with each other, not two parts of one soul. And that is what I need to feel loved, and to really bring out the best of what I have to offer romantically. I have a few other NF friends in romantic relationships with INTJs, and the complaint is universal. INTJs give us everything we need, except the one thing we need most. "They just don't get it." Is the phrase that we NFs have decided upon. I think it is most obvious in their touch.

If you are in a romantic relationship with an ENFP, you will need to do three things to please them best. As an INTJ, you're very likely already doing everything else. You will need to learn how to let them lead when their strengths are greater than your own, and of course learn to recognize when that is. The simplest way to figure it out is to pay attention to everything about us that fascinates you. Those are the areas we're stronger than you. If a situation could benefit from one of those things, let us do it, and trust us to do it, no matter how confusing it is, or unsettling it is to do something before you've had a chance to process it. That's our element. You've seen us succeed in it often enough that you can stop questioning how we do it, and just accept that we can. Simple logic there. And it's the same logic we apply to you guys. We greatly admire you for all of the things you can do that we can't, and we don't really bother trying to figure out how you do them. They're yours to do. Letting us have control when it is our area of strength without argument or protest tells us that you truly trust and admire us, and that is without a doubt the straightest way to our hearts. The next thing you need to do is pay extremely close attention when we are affectionate with you. We're operating on both an Intuitive AND a Feeling level. That's what makes us such good lovers. Intuition and emotion, complete attentiveness and expression. We want the same in return. If you can overcome your natural ability to be attentive and thoughtful, and step into an area that may not be entirely comfortable for you, you'll be in for the most amazing experiences of your lives. And don't be afraid to be awkward in the process. There isn't an ENFP alive, male or female that won't walk you through it and accept that you are developing a new perspective until you get where you want to be for as long as it takes you to get there. In fact, just making the effort will make us love you more. The last thing you'll need to do is learn to use the intuitive and emotional expression we can teach you, in frequent subtle displays of affection, like caressing our cheek every now and then, holding our hand, or just looking into our eyes with an intuitively emotional sincere expression of love. For us, these things are unconscious, which is why they will reach us so deeply when you do them. They're also the exact reason we're able to entrance people. We won't expect you to ever do these things unconsciously, or assume that they are. However, if you do them for us and you are sincere when you do them, we will love you forever.

I hope this post helps all of you INTJs have better relationships with your ENFPs!

To the chap who claimed the ENFP was the best in bed he'd ever had, I am sorry to have to inform you that you didn't even get to see the half of it. If you'd have been able to accept her for who she was, good and bad, and given her the emotional connection I described, it would have been ten fold because it would have encouraged her to REALLY open up. What you got was just her base operating level sexually. And I can assure you, she was accepting you for who you are which annoyed her just as much as she annoyed you.
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Old 01-10-2009, 01:01 AM   #24
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I have an ENFP friend, and she's just so emotional... It scares me.

Same here. She's a hypochondriac, and it's just so draining to have to listen to "my ____ hurts" every time I see her. If her emotions were more positive, however, I wouldn't be so put off.

 
Surprisingly, I have very few arguments with INTJs over anything other than what I've just mentioned. Even more surprisingly, I've rarely lost an argument with an INTJ, because I don't take a stand unless I KNOW I'm right, and have the wisdom to know not to assume I am right just because I usually am.

Good call. One person once pointed out that whenever he argued with my INTJ friend, either my friend was right or they were both wrong.

Interesting paragraph on rightness versus correctness. I prefer to deal with factual truth, and to me the point in a system of ethics (if that's what you mean by philosophy) is to preserve a logical system of interaction between individuals.

 
The simplest way to figure it out is to pay attention to everything about us that fascinates you. Those are the areas we're stronger than you. If a situation could benefit from one of those things, let us do it, and trust us to do it, no matter how confusing it is, or unsettling it is to do something before you've had a chance to process it.

This is great advice, and I hope it applies in every relationship, not just the ones between INTJs and ENFPs.

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Old 01-11-2009, 03:49 PM   #25
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  Originally Posted by WaeV
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Same here. She's a hypochondriac, and it's just so draining to have to listen to "my ____ hurts" every time I see her. If her emotions were more positive, however, I wouldn't be so put off.

That's one of the downsides to the ENFP personality. If we are feeling something, we are talking about it. When we smile, we light up the room. When we are upset, we darken it. I know for a fact that my INTJ friends have had the greatest effectiveness in getting me to change how I feel about things through their thoughtful and insightful logic. Sometimes it takes them a few hours or even days of talking with me, but INTJs have consistently been able to talk me out of feeling negative about things that hurt, upset, or bothered me so long as they stayed in the debate.

I would suggest that if you care about your ENFP's well being, or are simply just annoyed by the powerful and seemingly endless negative expressions, use your INTJ ability to detect, analyze, and reason and systematically remove our 'issue' (aka convince us to change the way we feel about it for the better). You may be surprised how effective you can be in this endeavor once resolved. Just remember, it will be a long process and we will offer every resistance we have, but that will only make the solution more permanent, as this offers you the chance to remove all of them.

  Originally Posted by WaeV
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Good call. One person once pointed out that whenever he argued with my INTJ friend, either my friend was right or they were both wrong.

Do you mean your ENFP friend? Hehe.

  Originally Posted by WaeV
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Interesting paragraph on rightness versus correctness. I prefer to deal with factual truth, and to me the point in a system of ethics (if that's what you mean by philosophy) is to preserve a logical system of interaction between individuals.

Thank you very much. Yes, ethics, morality, and the various other synonyms are the dominant reasoning process for an F personality. Logical reasoning is secondary to us. This is why we frequently get caught in logical loops, but rarely moral or ethical loops.

  Originally Posted by WaeV
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This is great advice, and I hope it applies in every relationship, not just the ones between INTJs and ENFPs.

Thanks again. I would assume that this does apply in most relationships. However, in relationships where there is a lot of harmony, what is most attractive are the similarities. In other relationships, like the ENFP / INTJ, where there is a good amount of similarity but also a complimentary amount of difference, the difference is as much of a strength in this situation as the harmony which is a foundation. However, in order to get the most of the differences, both members must choose to appreciate them or over time they will become toxic to the relationship.

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