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Initiating physical contact relationship advice
Old 01-20-2010, 02:02 AM   #1
JimTaylor
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Just curious. Do you all struggle with initiating intimate/physical contact? I ask because I do and I am scared it's going to drive away a girl I like. Short story. Met this girl online, decided to meat in person. Great chemistry, she says she loves being around me and has never met a guy quite like me and just loves everything about me. I also find myself really really attracted to this girl, more so than I have ever been with another girl which makes it even harder for me to initiate but I really want to. So what I am wondering is if any of you have had the same probelms and how did you get over it? Plus any ideas on activites that may make the contact come more natural.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:19 AM   #2
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Well, I think that's an extremely common problem. Casual shoulder and arm touches are the way to go at first (heck I use those with some students in my classes! - they're low-risk). If she makes a self-deprecating remark of laughs you can place your hand on her shoulder in an I-feel-ya-kind-of-way. It's easiest to do if you sit next to one another, but should come completely natural. Don't make it forced. Considering your situation, it sounds save for you to proceed. Good luck!
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Old 01-20-2010, 01:47 PM   #3
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Wait... you can... 'touch' other people?!?!?!?!?! Don't worry there Jim, you're most definitely not alone on this one. I don't like being touched in general, and physical contact is probably one of the most awkward things anyone could shoot at me. Don't feel bad.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:14 PM   #4
psychosylocibin
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I used to struggle with this, mainly because I thought it would be "Awkward" if I initiated anything.

Often times, if the girl is into you, you can make a physical move and be fine. Even if she doesn't make any physical moves, its fine. There were times were I would look at a girl and think "oh god, she has her legs pointed away from me, and she is making sure her arms wont touch mine, she obviuosly doesnt like me", I would make a move and she would open up. Girls seem to be more passive like that, they won't initiate something unless you do.

you can even do the cheesy "arm around her back while yawning" move, alot of them think its cute becuase it is so dorky, but only if you are only doing it half-serious. (really).
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:23 PM   #5
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It's better to initiate than continue to worry about it.

You'll learn a lot quicker where a relationship is headed so you aren't wasting your time. Sometimes you'll make out with a girl for an hour then get a call the next day about how you should just be "friends" and then never talk to her again. *cough* Or so I hear that sometimes happens...
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:25 PM   #6
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When you're walking, bump shoulders. Initiate a tickling match. Ask if she reads palms. Learn how to read palms. I'm sure you can think of others.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:48 PM   #7
Hydro
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For most women physical contact is a natural part of communication so it won't be awkward for her if you slowly escalate while constantly calibrating, if it's still OK.
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Old 01-20-2010, 06:49 PM   #8
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A good piece of advice that has never failed me, is to let her control how fast the physical aspect of the relationship goes. If she touches your hand at any point, then it is ok to touch hers. If she touches your arm, it is ok to touch hers.

The obvious exception to this is a first kiss. If you wait for her to do so, it will either never happen, or she will think less of you for it.

If she doesn't initiate any physical contact, then you are not showing enough interest through other means, such as eye contact and such.
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:08 AM   #9
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You don't have to wait for her and mirror her, you do have to read her, Trust your instincts, and when it really feels right, push past the fear. It's as simple as that.


If that doesn't work, split a bottle of wine.
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:35 AM   #10
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Does any else here have potentially serious legal issues with trusting their instincts or an ambiguous, often intentional, blur on the other side?
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:40 AM   #11
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  Originally Posted by JimTaylor
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Just curious. Do you all struggle with initiating intimate/physical contact? I ask because I do and I am scared it's going to drive away a girl I like. Short story. Met this girl online, decided to meat in person. Great chemistry, she says she loves being around me and has never met a guy quite like me and just loves everything about me. I also find myself really really attracted to this girl, more so than I have ever been with another girl which makes it even harder for me to initiate but I really want to. So what I am wondering is if any of you have had the same probelms and how did you get over it? Plus any ideas on activites that may make the contact come more natural.

Just do it. Go 80% of the way, let her come the last 20%. Man up.

---------- Post added 01-20-2010 at 09:41 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by Autoptic
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Does any else here have potentially serious legal issues with trusting their instincts or an ambiguous, often intentional, blur on the other side?

They're dating. I'd advise a classy move from no contact to initiating but not forcing a kiss. Zero legal consequences imaginable.

If it were a work environment, it would be another story.

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Old 01-21-2010, 12:50 AM   #12
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  Originally Posted by JimTaylor
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. Met this girl online, decided to meat in person. Great chemistry, she says she loves being around me and has never met a guy quite like me and just loves everything about me.

Check out what you wrote here. When describing your chemistry you talk about yourself first. Try to put the focus on her. Pay attention to her. When you're talking, is she smiling? Is she laughing? These normally are signs that the other person is enjoying themself and it's okay to advance. Start with neutral locations, like sitting close on the couch, or hands or shoulders as others have mentioned in this thread. Are you still talking? Is she still laughing? Put an arm around her. Still laughing? Get a kiss! If you get shut down at least you know where you stand in her eyes, nothing to lose really. Take it step by step and pay attention to her body language, she will let you know when she's uncomfortable, then it's time to back off.

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Old 01-21-2010, 12:51 AM   #13
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  Originally Posted by Causa Mortis
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They're dating. I'd advise a classy move from no contact to initiating but not forcing a kiss. Zero legal consequences imaginable.

If it were a work environment, it would be another story.

That would all be a matter of thought not instinct though.

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Old 01-21-2010, 12:53 AM   #14
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I pounce (literally) and enjoy being pounced on back. Granted, I'm rather playful with my companions.

When I'm getting to know a guy I really don't mind that much if he tosses out the occasional casual contact, it's when I DON'T know a guy well and he's swooping in for a kiss that I think-- "Waitasec! What?! No!".

Conclusion: hot and heavy too soon might not be a good idea, but playfulness and casual contact should be okay. Build up.
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Old 01-21-2010, 08:36 AM   #15
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  Originally Posted by Autoptic
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Does any else here have potentially serious legal issues with trusting their instincts or an ambiguous, often intentional, blur on the other side?

Yeah, leave the ski-mask, knife-to-the-throat, rape fantasies until after the first kiss.

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Old 01-21-2010, 09:17 AM   #16
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  Originally Posted by MacGuffin
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Yeah, leave the ski-mask, knife-to-the-throat, rape fantasies until after the first kiss.

Your instincts involve modern objects and always require certain responses from another, positive or negative? Odd.

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Old 01-21-2010, 10:17 AM   #17
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  Originally Posted by Causa
I'd advise a classy move from no contact...

How is "no contact" a classy move? (Serious question.)

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Old 01-21-2010, 11:38 AM   #18
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Does any else here have potentially serious legal issues with trusting their instincts or an ambiguous, often intentional, blur on the other side?

This is a difficult question, whether to begin physical contact with a robust squeeze of the buttocks or go straight for some clitoral rubbing. Decisions, decisions, sigh. Perhaps one should be more forward and simply slap her in the face with the penis.

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Old 01-21-2010, 01:29 PM   #19
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What ever happened to simple hand-holding? I remember the first time my INTJ really touched me...on our third date, he impulsively grabbed my hand and stroked it while he was talking to me, while looking right into my eyes and expounding on some political idea he had. I was hooked.

I couldn't wait until the first kiss!

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  Originally Posted by Hydro
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For most women physical contact is a natural part of communication so it won't be awkward for her if you slowly escalate while constantly calibrating, if it's still OK.

Such an INTJ response. Do you have a measured scale for slow escalation? ^.^

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Old 01-21-2010, 03:10 PM   #20
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  Originally Posted by catzmeow
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Such an INTJ response. Do you have a measured scale for slow escalation? ^.^

Of course I have! Otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it, would I?
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You have to calibrate constantly. Make a small move, watch the response and decide how to carry on. Itís that simple.

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Old 01-21-2010, 05:45 PM   #21
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  Originally Posted by Lil
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How is "no contact" a classy move? (Serious question.)

Oh I'm sorry - I was unclear. I meant "he's at no contact and needs to move in the direction of a classy physical move".

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Old 01-21-2010, 07:56 PM   #22
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  Originally Posted by JimTaylor
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Met this girl online, decided to meat in person. Great chemistry, she says she loves being around me and has never met a guy quite like me and just loves everything about me.

Sounds like you're in, dude! If she's singing your praises so much then she's into you. She may actually be wondering what's wrong with her that you haven't made a move already.

I agree with what's been said above. Casual contact is the way to go. No reason to swoop in for a kiss if you haven't had a friendly shoulder pat or playful bump from the side when walking next to each other. The latter is one of my favorites. If i'm walking next to a girl i like and i give her a little bump, then she bumps me back, i'll kinda walk closer and briefly touch the small of her back (can go higher if you're worried) as a little "ok, truce" thing.

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Old 01-22-2010, 04:22 AM   #23
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You're overthinking it. Hearing someone talk about strategizing physical contact just screams scamming.
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Old 01-22-2010, 01:36 PM   #24
JimTaylor
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  Originally Posted by Nikita
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You're overthinking it. Hearing someone talk about strategizing physical contact just screams scamming.

Of course I am overthinking it. That's what I do with everything, lol. On a positive note, even when having a serious debate about religion on our second date, she was smilling and laughing the whole time (she has a great smile and laugh plus very pretty green eyes
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) and she did lean in when we where talking but I didn't catch that tell after when I was thinking about the date. She also sat close to me and didn't shy away when I moved closer or when I put my arm around the back of the chair behind her, but she also kept her hands in her lap most of the time. Either way I am really excited for this weekend, we are going ice skating tomorrow so I think there will plenty of opportunities for natural physical contact which wont require me trying to force it.
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Plus it's a double date and so there will be other people there so I wont be the only one creating conversation. Then we are doing something Sunday as well, since she is going to be up around where I live so I am really excited to see her again.
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Old 01-22-2010, 03:52 PM   #25
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I've run into these extreme prejudicial readings before. To clarify, I meant that I personally have no instinct that ever directly moved me to hold a girl's hand or talk to her. Sexual attraction, which can be enhanced by apparent interest from the female, simply wants sex with a few related steps such as location, privacy, and the like. Most foreplay never made sense to me, certainly not these multiple session physically counterproductive frustration fests. I was aiming for what I later learned was called spooning in kindergarten which was probably limited by my complete sexual ignorance at the time.

While I wasn't suggesting he had my instincts specifically, they might also be inconsistent with this issue. That he's asking already suggests his aren't helping him, no?

Also, when I've heard women speak of such things, they tend to differ from men. The instincts aren't apparently identical or complimentary, which can start very political, sophistic arguments, when mentioned.
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