[abelle103]

Hi
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I'm an ENFP who is currently very infatuated with a strongly expressed INTJ. Reading through this site has been eye opening in regards to what's going on in his head!
I'm a scientist, he's an engineer and things are great!
We're not dating yet (in a non-committed relationship.. for what that's worth?) and we'r eon winter break from school. I'm not sure how much communication would be considered 'clingy.' being an ENFP I wish we talked all the time! I love talking to him and miss it very much. Being an INTJ he's all about not talking on the phone, he checks his e-mails rarely, dislikes texting, and is bad at emotion on skype. I'm not sure if I should continue trying to talk to him or not? We've talked on skype a couple times, he's responded to an e-mail of mine once.. that's about it. Since we're not dating I don't know how much I should push the issue.

You INTJ's are complicated!! @_@;

I would love a response. Thanks! <3

[Zombicide]

From what I can tell, your relationship is suppose to be liken to some sort of creepy business deal like the relationship in the film American Beauty or else they'll get frustrated like some fussy, annoyingly autistic brat. You're not suppose to have a deep connection with the other person or an interest in them, you're just suppose to be business partners. If there's real love involved, you're being clingy, do not want to spend time together or else you're being clingy. Looking for a soul-mate, that's clingy. Enjoying spending much of your time together is clingy. Sharing your lives is clingy. Thinking of your S.O. as your S.O. is clingy. Apparently the ideal is to simply be available or else you're clingy. Oh and it should be ok to fuck other people or else you're being clingy.

I don't even know why the hell someone would want to be with one of those people who would bitch that their S.O. wants to be with them and loves them dearly. How whiney and shallow they must be to consider making time for them clingy. I doubt such people should even count as people. Also they're practically calling their "lover" a jizz bucket or a beard or pathetic for thinking of the relationship as more than a business venture.

It wouldn't be so annoying if Biff didn't try to make it out to be the other person's fault. I say Biff as a reference to the old fashion movie character. I hate how they've made it out to be that all guys hate this so called clingy thing, so now girls want to avoid coming off as that. It's like I finally find her and she'll be afraid I'll find her clingy because of these people who keep putting forth that bitchery.

---------- Post added 01-02-2010 at 03:03 AM ----------

PS: nothing's too clingy to me. Natural Born Killers / Bonnie and Clyde style is 100% fine by me.

[FlareVulca]

I'm an INTJ and I must say, when I'm into a girl, it's hard for her to be clingy. It only annoys me if she demands attention all the time. But if she is giving me plenty extra attention, I am absolutely fine with that.

So I guess clingy is fine but needy is not. That's just my preference, all INTJs are different and I'm not sure if most of us share this trait.

[Antares]

1. You want to talk to me 24/7.
2. You can't be without me.
3. You want to know where I am... All the time.
4. You stalk me or have stalked me.
5. You don't leave me alone... Ever. You follow me when I go somewhere else. You spy on me when I'm with members of the opposite sex. You're obsessed and deeply insecure about me leaving you for another man.
6. You work your schedule around mine... all the time. Cancel one or two plans with your friends to be with me? Sure. Cancel too many? Not okay. It's the same in reverse. You can't ditch your friends all the time for me, and you can't expect me to revolve my life around you.

That sums it up, I think. Dealing with a clingy ex boyfriend made me all the more averse to clingyness. He did all of the above. It's normal for men to be needy of their girlfriends, but if they take it to the extreme, I pull away. I strongly dislike overly dependent partners, as I value independence and self sufficiency very highly.

[RedIrish]

Although I am much older than you, I am also in a long term non-committed relationship. We call it dating. We are a pair, although we each own our own homes, and live about 30minutes apart.

We communicate on a semi-regular basis, just touching base a couple times a week, or when we have a question or information to share. We let each other know about important events happening in our lives, and make arrangments around our work and personal schedules to see each other or particpate in social/sporting events. We try to get together every week or two just the two of us, and accompany each other to work and family events whenever possible.

In the course of a normal week that may include an hour long phone call, a couple text messages and an email or two, as well as an an evening together and/or a social or sporting event. I can't recall the last time we managed to see each other twice in one week. Communication is initiated fairly equally between us, on no particular set schedule, although if we can't get together on a particular week, we usually manage a nice long phone call on sunday. I guess I tend to text, where he tends to phone.

I get the feeling that I may be slightly different than many INTJs in that I am quite a tactile person, and enjoy physical contact. I am also not bothered by public displays of affection. But, however much I may like cuddling and snogging, there is a point at which that stops and you go do something else. I hate having to peel someone off like flypaper.

I also do not account for every moment of my time, or explain or justify my activities or schedule. I did date one guy a couple times who was quite put out by the fact that I have a life of friends, family, work, charitable and social obligations that did not revolve around him. I suggested that he needed to find someone more compatible.

It is possible that he is lazy, and is allowing you to initiate contact (I think it's a guy thing). I will say that ceasing to intitiate contact for a couple weeks can be an eye opener. He may finally get in touch, demanding to know what is wrong, or if you may be surprised to discover that he does not consider your "relationship" to actually be one, and that the only thing maintaining it is your own efforts. This seems to be fairly common amongst women, we can be quite enthusiastic when are infatuated with a guy, and he lets us be. In that case as soon as we stop making all the effort the supposed relationship kinda fizzles out.

My advice? Relax, go on with your life, if he wants to particpate in it, he will have to take the intitative once in a while.

[JCrow]

I think there's a thin line to walk when dealing with an INTJ(maybe every type is the same in that regard).

If you call and try to contact him too much, he's going to feel smothered. He probably won't call, email or text you because he'll figure; "Why bother, she'll just call me soon enough". This could lead you to feel like you're the one doing all the work in this 'relationship'(for lack of a better word with your situation).

On the flip side, if you stop calling him altogether, he might feel dissed, or question your 'friendship/relationship'.

From my experience in most relationships, I feel annoyed that I have to constantly call and check in, or talk about Bullshit; IE "How was your day?", usually internally thinking; "I really have nothing to say, why do I need to call?" Play a little hard to get and I'll pursue, play too hard to get and I'll get annoyed at 'stupid games' or 'flakiness' and I'll disengage.

The key is to contact him enough, so that he WANTS to call and get back to you. If I were you I would experiment until you find a frequency that makes him proactive.

[Necrosis]

Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

1. You want to talk to me 24/7. 2. You can't be without me. 3. You want to know where I am... All the time. 4. You stalk me or have stalked me. 5. You don't leave me alone... Ever. You follow me when I go somewhere else. You spy on me when I'm with members of the opposite sex. You're obsessed and deeply insecure about me leaving you for another man. 6. You work your schedule around mine... all the time. Cancel one or two plans with your friends to be with me? Sure. Cancel too many? Not okay. It's the same in reverse. You can't ditch your friends all the time for me, and you can't expect me to revolve my life around you. That sums it up, I think. Dealing with a clingy ex boyfriend made me all the more averse to clingyness. He did all of the above. It's normal for men to be needy of their girlfriends, but if they take it to the extreme, I pull away. I strongly dislike overly dependent partners, as I value independence and self sufficiency very highly.

That pretty much gets all the individual points to a T.

I think overall it's more a matter of respect. When I ask for space politely it should be ok to have it. Basically, an understanding that I have a life outside of you. Texting calling me is fine but just don't act like you can't live without me.

[Vagrant]

Originally Posted by abelle103 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Hi To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I'm an ENFP who is currently very infatuated with a strongly expressed INTJ. Reading through this site has been eye opening in regards to what's going on in his head! I'm a scientist, he's an engineer and things are great! We're not dating yet (in a non-committed relationship.. for what that's worth?) and we'r eon winter break from school. I'm not sure how much communication would be considered 'clingy.' being an ENFP I wish we talked all the time! I love talking to him and miss it very much. Being an INTJ he's all about not talking on the phone, he checks his e-mails rarely, dislikes texting, and is bad at emotion on skype. I'm not sure if I should continue trying to talk to him or not? We've talked on skype a couple times, he's responded to an e-mail of mine once.. that's about it. Since we're not dating I don't know how much I should push the issue. You INTJ's are complicated!! @_@; I would love a response. Thanks! <3

Clingy depends on your INTJ -- but most likely for him "clingy" would be texting him a bunch and then being mad he doesn't respond. :P It sounds like you're doing fine. If he doesn't seem annoyed or bothered, then you're on the right track.

I've never had a specific problem with clinginess until my last relationship, but she tried ultra-hard not to cling -- she was so used to males who would cling right back that she realized it may not be the healthiest lifestyle.

[Blse]

Haha, I just had the same problem. How much contact is too much, only I'm an enTJ with an interest in an ENTP. So far we've texted, mailed or called each other every 3-6 days. First, it was about a paper we both wrote, then X-mas greetings, then I sent her some pics and a personality tests and we texted each other for 40minutes, then I sent her a greeting text on the 31st, and yesterday we talked on the phone for 15 minutes and both seemed to enjoy it. Initially I was given the advice to rarely contact her, then someone suggested that 1 per week is find that's worked out well so far. Then again, she's extroverted.

From my own on-going experience I'd say contact him with something interesting you have to share and see how he responds. Gauge his interest. I'd love it if you contacted me at least once a week, but then again I'm not him and more enTJ than INTJ.

[sinuous]

Originally Posted by RedIrish To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Although I am much older than you, I am also in a long term non-committed relationship. We call it dating. We are a pair, although we each own our own homes, and live about 30minutes apart. We communicate on a semi-regular basis, just touching base a couple times a week, or when we have a question or information to share. We let each other know about important events happening in our lives, and make arrangments around our work and personal schedules to see each other or particpate in social/sporting events. We try to get together every week or two just the two of us, and accompany each other to work and family events whenever possible. In the course of a normal week that may include an hour long phone call, a couple text messages and an email or two, as well as an an evening together and/or a social or sporting event. I can't recall the last time we managed to see each other twice in one week. Communication is initiated fairly equally between us, on no particular set schedule, although if we can't get together on a particular week, we usually manage a nice long phone call on sunday. I guess I tend to text, where he tends to phone. I get the feeling that I may be slightly different than many INTJs in that I am quite a tactile person, and enjoy physical contact. I am also not bothered by public displays of affection. But, however much I may like cuddling and snogging, there is a point at which that stops and you go do something else. I hate having to peel someone off like flypaper. I also do not account for every moment of my time, or explain or justify my activities or schedule. I did date one guy a couple times who was quite put out by the fact that I have a life of friends, family, work, charitable and social obligations that did not revolve around him. I suggested that he needed to find someone more compatible.

It's truly a shame these types of relationships are rare and hard to come by. Congratulations on creating something great.

[abelle103]

These are all great answers- thanks! I suppose I'll hold off for a while, since i texted on New Years. I am frustrated by how hard I have to think about this! My natural function would be to try to contact all the time because I love talking to him, but I know that he would not be into that at all. I agree with the 'fine line' theory. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells.

He's not really a 'traditional' INTJ, from what I gather, in that he really enjoys physical contact. At least with me? We cuddle all the time and I love that!

ENFPs are so primally fascinated by INTJs, something that never ceases to amaze me! I would never in my life guess that I would be so smitten with somebody that acts like so much of an ass to so many people. But now I know that he's only like that when he considers somebody stupid, or not worthy of praise- two things that I am not, most of the time (though he doesn't hold back for me if I do something stupid either).

I feel so silly planning the contact so precisely. I knew break would be bothersome in this regard! -_-;

A related question- how are INTJs with loosely defined relationships? Being so non-committed is fine by me (mostly) but I'm astounded that he's into it. Are INTJs okay with such ambiguous systems?

<3!

[burazekun]

I'm going to be simple personally. I just want someone to be available, it's "ok" to ask for my attention, but never demand it, and never ask frequently. I rarely answer any of my emails. I only answer ones that demand an answer (demand is too strong a word, I would say, take my interest and ask for my attention.) Emails I determine as "informative", I will just read and move on. When it comes to phones, or skype, I am not a fan. I'd prefer to meet anyone in person over having to talk it over on the phone.

I guess you can say that a relationship is a trade program for a INTJ like myself. It's an experience, and there has to be a mental reward, or level of intelligence in it. Otherwise I would likely bore, and take up my "projects" again.