ISxJ married to INTJ Communication Barriers

**qwiyet** · 12-30-2009, 08:35 AM

I am married to an INTJ, and our relationship is very up and down. It seems that things are either really good or really bad. I am aware that we see the world completely differently, but I feel that he does not value my opinions and puts me down quite a bit. I feel that I have to be more like him in order for things to work, but do not think that is fair. My view of the world is just as valid as his, is it not?

We have major communication issues, and I fear that this will never work
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**jndiii** · 12-30-2009, 10:09 AM

Well, if you've typed each other, and you both know what those types mean, you've taken an important first step. It will let you figure out where the communication issues lie and how to compensate for the differing perspectives. (FWIW, given your emphasis on "value my opinions" I'd suspect you're ISFJ.)

The most important thing is that you respect his perspective, and that he in turn respect your perspective.

I have some good news and bad news:

The bad news is that there's a problem with that apparently simple solution: the communication gap makes it very difficult for each of you to express your respect for each other in a way such that the other understands it as respectful.

The good news is that you both are already being respectful to each other most of the time, each in your own way, but the other doesn't recognize it as respectful.

From your point of view, he doesn't value your opinions and puts you down. Unless an INTJ is explicitly putting you down (i.e., calling you stupid to your face), the INTJ is not putting you down. From my own experience with my ESFJ ex, I learned too late that what she wanted to hear from me was some sort of validation, that I understood what she felt and respected that she felt it. So she'd come to me, upset, for example, that she felt disrespected and that people didn't like her, and I'd carefully explain why that isn't true, that the people in fact did respect her and did like her. I thought I was being positive and affirming, but no, she heard it as my saying "You're wrong, and you're upset for no good reason." She needed the validation first, and then she'd be ready to listen to the rest of what I had to say.

Given this perspective, go back and review how your INTJ has not valued your opinions and put you down, and see if it's possible to see it from his perspective and whether he might have in fact intended a more positive (or at least non-insulting!) message.

You're right, though, that it's unfair that you should do all the work of adapting to him. You both need to learn and adapt. Give each other the benefit of the doubt, and in general try to express yourselves in ways that the other more easily understands and respects. You might consider finding a marriage counselor to help you both over the initial hurdles.

**Hatsumomo1** · 12-30-2009, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by qwiyet
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I am married to an INTJ, and our relationship is very up and down. It seems that things are either really good or really bad. I am aware that we see the world completely differently, but I feel that he does not value my opinions and puts me down quite a bit. I feel that I have to be more like him in order for things to work, but do not think that is fair. My view of the world is just as valid as his, is it not?

We have major communication issues, and I fear that this will never work
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Have you tried being completely upfront with him about how you feel? Seriously, plain English works well with INTJ's. Just tell him what you want. We can discuss anything as long as people keep their cool. He's probably not even aware he's hurting you.

Honestly, I've learned that some ISxJ's have this problem of not telling people what's wrong. For what reasons I'm not sure, but that's one of the last things you should be doing. I'm sure that he wants to improve upon his relationship with you. If he didn't, he would've left a long time ago.

**themuzicman** · 12-30-2009, 11:02 AM

Yeah, I would suggest making a list of what you need from him, and why, and being very up front with him.

**Necrosis** · 12-30-2009, 11:52 AM

	Originally Posted by themuzicman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yeah, I would suggest making a list of what you need from him, and why, and being very up front with him.

I agree but be willing to discuss it. It's not a demand like do this or else. Also Some of the things you want he may not be able to do right away because it's new to him. Help him. He should do the same for you.

And I'll also stress jndii's point. If we don't say it. We don't mean it. Please don't assume or intepret things we say for somethign else. We mean what we say. If he says hes tired. Hes tired. Not that your boring him etc etc. Ask him what he thinks and he will tell you exactly what he thinks. No more no less.

**zudusu** · 12-31-2009, 03:12 AM

I'm an ISTJ married to an INTJ for almost 17 years. We have had our share of communication issues. What has helped the most was figuring out what the actual problem is and then addressing it specifically. For example, I'd come home from work and say something like "What a day! I have a horrible headache." His response would be "I'm not a doctor, what do you want me to do about it?" Well, since it never even entered my mind that he do something about my headache, that would tick me off and my innocent (whiny) comment would escalate into a major fight. He was convinced that I EXPECTED him to magically cure my headache and I was convinced he was the biggest jerk on the planet for making my already tough day that much worse. I finally figured this out and explained to him I just want to blow off steam and the only possible thing I want from him is a teensy bit of sympathy (even if it's fake.) An appropriate response to my comment would be "That's too bad." End of discussion, feel free to never give it another thought. It took a while to convince him I REALLY didn't want or expect his help when I complained about my boss or whined about an ache or said I wished it wasn't raining.

Oh, and jndiii, thanks for the "validation first" comment! My ISFJ boss and I are so much alike personality-wise but I have a horrible problem with offending her and having no idea what I said or did to set her off. I will try the validation first approach next time our opinions differ in the slightest way. It drives me nuts that she always thinks I'm being insubordinate and difficult about things I AGREE with her about.

12-30-2009, 08:35 AM	#1
qwiyet New Member [01%] MBTI: ISXJ Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 1	I am married to an INTJ, and our relationship is very up and down. It seems that things are either really good or really bad. I am aware that we see the world completely differently, but I feel that he does not value my opinions and puts me down quite a bit. I feel that I have to be more like him in order for things to work, but do not think that is fair. My view of the world is just as valid as his, is it not? We have major communication issues, and I fear that this will never work To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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12-30-2009, 10:09 AM	#2
jndiii Core Member [131%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 5,268	Well, if you've typed each other, and you both know what those types mean, you've taken an important first step. It will let you figure out where the communication issues lie and how to compensate for the differing perspectives. (FWIW, given your emphasis on "value my opinions" I'd suspect you're ISFJ.) The most important thing is that you respect his perspective, and that he in turn respect your perspective. I have some good news and bad news: The bad news is that there's a problem with that apparently simple solution: the communication gap makes it very difficult for each of you to express your respect for each other in a way such that the other understands it as respectful. The good news is that you both are already being respectful to each other most of the time, each in your own way, but the other doesn't recognize it as respectful. From your point of view, he doesn't value your opinions and puts you down. Unless an INTJ is explicitly putting you down (i.e., calling you stupid to your face), the INTJ is not putting you down. From my own experience with my ESFJ ex, I learned too late that what she wanted to hear from me was some sort of validation, that I understood what she felt and respected that she felt it. So she'd come to me, upset, for example, that she felt disrespected and that people didn't like her, and I'd carefully explain why that isn't true, that the people in fact did respect her and did like her. I thought I was being positive and affirming, but no, she heard it as my saying "You're wrong, and you're upset for no good reason." She needed the validation first, and then she'd be ready to listen to the rest of what I had to say. Given this perspective, go back and review how your INTJ has not valued your opinions and put you down, and see if it's possible to see it from his perspective and whether he might have in fact intended a more positive (or at least non-insulting!) message. You're right, though, that it's unfair that you should do all the work of adapting to him. You both need to learn and adapt. Give each other the benefit of the doubt, and in general try to express yourselves in ways that the other more easily understands and respects. You might consider finding a marriage counselor to help you both over the initial hurdles.
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12-30-2009, 11:02 AM	#4
themuzicman Core Member [283%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 11,350	Yeah, I would suggest making a list of what you need from him, and why, and being very up front with him.
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12-31-2009, 03:12 AM	#6
zudusu Member [02%] MBTI: ISTJ Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 98	I'm an ISTJ married to an INTJ for almost 17 years. We have had our share of communication issues. What has helped the most was figuring out what the actual problem is and then addressing it specifically. For example, I'd come home from work and say something like "What a day! I have a horrible headache." His response would be "I'm not a doctor, what do you want me to do about it?" Well, since it never even entered my mind that he do something about my headache, that would tick me off and my innocent (whiny) comment would escalate into a major fight. He was convinced that I EXPECTED him to magically cure my headache and I was convinced he was the biggest jerk on the planet for making my already tough day that much worse. I finally figured this out and explained to him I just want to blow off steam and the only possible thing I want from him is a teensy bit of sympathy (even if it's fake.) An appropriate response to my comment would be "That's too bad." End of discussion, feel free to never give it another thought. It took a while to convince him I REALLY didn't want or expect his help when I complained about my boss or whined about an ache or said I wished it wasn't raining. Oh, and jndiii, thanks for the "validation first" comment! My ISFJ boss and I are so much alike personality-wise but I have a horrible problem with offending her and having no idea what I said or did to set her off. I will try the validation first approach next time our opinions differ in the slightest way. It drives me nuts that she always thinks I'm being insubordinate and difficult about things I AGREE with her about.
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