[Stereopsis]

Lately I've been thinking about how I have been very bad at confronting and bringing up issues with people. One example is a friend I used to have in 6th grade. He turned into a jerk and often gave me a hard time. Eventually I stopped being his friend which was a good choice, but I never had the courage to stand up for myself.

Another example is when I noticed that a co-worker of mine was being sloppy with his work. I reported this to my boss but for some reason I found it hard to do so and when I did it was uncomfortable. Introversion is probably part of this, but I think it's much more than just that and I'm trying to figure out what the other reasons are(These other reasons may not even be MBTI related).

What do you guys think?

[Blum]

Grow balls

[Theaetetus]

What's your stature? How 'bout your esteem? I don't really know how to grow confidence, but all I can say is that I don't think there is anything out there ready to hurt you, just buck up.

[MartinH]

Originally Posted by Stereopsis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Another example is when I noticed that a co-worker of mine was being sloppy with his work. I reported this to my boss but for some reason I found it hard to do so and when I did it was uncomfortable. Introversion is probably part of this, but I think it's much more than just that and I'm trying to figure out what the other reasons are(These other reasons may not even be MBTI related). What do you guys think?

Did you have any particular reason to report the co-worker? Does it impinge on you or team performance of some kind?

If not, you possibly felt uncomfortable for causing someone else trouble when it's not any of your business, which is something you wouldn't thank anyone else for doing to you?

[Stereopsis]

Theaetetus: Well to be honest my self-esteem could use some work.

MartinH: My reason for reporting him was justified. It's just that I was afraid that my boss would get mad at me for not saying anything earlier. Also I had this bad feeling that my co-worker would give me crap for reporting him.

[Blse]

	Originally Posted by Stereopsis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Theaetetus: Well to be honest my self-esteem could use some work. MartinH: My reason for reporting him was justified. It's just that I was afraid that my boss would get mad at me for not saying anything earlier. Also I had this bad feeling that my co-worker would give me crap for reporting him.

That's something you want to watch out for. I wouldn't advise confronting people unless its really necessary. Often it just ends up hindering you from achieving your goals.

[Sk8ordude]

I think you should grow some balls. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, in most situations the worst thing that can happen is you get a little roughed up, and depending on your age it might not even be that likely that you would get roughed up in any confrontation you would come across.

As for work, I don't know what you do for a living. However if another coworker is doing something wrong that may affect me in a negative way, I would first tell them to stop or I will report them, if that does not work report them. I would definitely not care how they feel about it or what they will do for retribution. In some areas of work having the balls to assert yourself and confront others can take you up the ladder as it is a valued trait, but it depends on your field of expertise.

If it is a superior that you have an issue with I would let it slide (if it is something small) until I was in a position where I could confront them and have all possible scenarios of their retribution thought out and able to be dealt with without a negative impact on my income. If you are pretty low on the ladder and don't have any other options if you were to be fired, I would either take it or perhaps talk with your superior’s superior. It sucks to be the little guy on the bottom so sometimes there is no good option.

Scenarios where you will either have to confront others or take their s**t, can be prevented by appearing confident and as not one to be messed with. This is done with body language and when you speak to others. Here are some tips, but these and more can be found all over the internet.

Stand up straight.
Keep your head up.
Have your shoulders slightly back.
Walk with a confident stride (Watch others who come of as confident and mimic).
Look people in the eyes.
Have a confident tone in your voice, speak up.

Nothing beats real confidence, which part of which means not being so afraid of conflict in the first place (at least in everyday interpersonal situations). How you get it I can't say since it is different for everybody. Some ideas on how to get some or "grow some balls". I will assume you are a relatively younger person (perhaps early 20's). Though I think it is quite possible I am wrong, I just think the below are more applicable to a younger person...

*Start lifting weights, this will increase your strength and give you many small accomplishments a week. It can also get your testosterone levels up. I think both of which could give you some confidence.
*Take up martial arts classes or boxing, this will have similar effects as the above but will also prepare you and get you used to worst case scenarios in conflicts (outside of work).
*Or start facing confrontations head on, but if you could just do that you wouldn't have made your post.

I think the main thing you should understand about this problem is it isn't one that can be thought out, and fixed like so many other things we INTJs are good at. It is something that can only be learned through trial and error in the external real world.

[Dru]

it could be mostly due to your introversion, as many introverts are uncomfortable with such things. i too had serious problems with confidence, and occasionally still do, but i learned just to be comfortable with myself the way i am and eventually dealing with people became easier as well. it's nothing that can be done overnight, and if indeed this is your problem, i can offer some menial advice: whenever you catch yourself in a negative thought about yourself (eurgh... double word usage) simply try and think of something else. don't continue on that track, however tempting it may be. no good shall come of it.

*shrug*
this helps me, maybe it will help you.
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[dead]

Isn't that kind of anti-INTJ? I'm not calling you out on your self-assessment because I have no idea where you drew your conclusions from. But I thought one of the defining qualities of INTJ is that they're very self-confident and socially at ease compared to most introverts.

I agree that you just need to grow balls ... I mean, I don't think the solution is going to come from thinking about it. You just need to practise being assertive and disregard your irrational fear of the consequences. Don't do anything stupid that will lose you your job, but short of that, just practise being more confrontational than you are comfortable with. I think that's the only way someone in your situation is going to learn to be different.

[kepstein8888]

Growing balls is too simple an answer, especially if you're not in the situation yourself.

Work situations are complicated. You have to do the right thing, cover your ass, be professional, and pick your battles all at once, while dealing with multiple external variables and complex politics. Of course you will have hesitations and mixed feelings, even if you know you ultimately did the right thing. It's the difference between being human, and being Rambo or Dirty Harry.

Picking your battles isn't easy when it comes to friendship, family, work, or anything else...except in the movies, when the bad guy is always 100% bad, and always stands there patiently while you kick his ass.

[Blum]

Originally Posted by kepstein8888 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Growing balls is too simple an answer, especially if you're not in the situation yourself. Work situations are complicated. You have to do the right thing, cover your ass, be professional, and pick your battles all at once, while dealing with multiple external variables and complex politics. Of course you will have hesitations and mixed feelings, even if you know you ultimately did the right thing. It's the difference between being human, and being Rambo or Dirty Harry. Picking your battles isn't easy when it comes to friendship, family, work, or anything else...except in the movies, when the bad guy is always 100% bad, and always stands there patiently while you kick his ass.

Once you've picked your battle, decided it's the right thing, you grow some balls and do what needs to be done in a professional manner. That's really what it comes down to. Now if you want to philosophize on how to grow a pair, that's a different story.

[Stereopsis]

Sk8ordude: I'm 19 but will be 20 this January. I actually have a dumbbell which I neglected, but now that you mentioned that weight lifting increases testosterone levels (which I never knew) I am more willing to use it. So how much weight lifting would I have to do to make a difference?

[MartinH]

	Originally Posted by Stereopsis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	MartinH: My reason for reporting him was justified. It's just that I was afraid that my boss would get mad at me for not saying anything earlier. Also I had this bad feeling that my co-worker would give me crap for reporting him.

Justified in what way? Is it part of your responsibilities to monitor him? Is that why your boss would be mad if you didn't report him?

[Sk8ordude]

	Originally Posted by Stereopsis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Sk8ordude: I'm 19 but will be 20 this January. I actually have a dumbbell which I neglected, but now that you mentioned that weight lifting increases testosterone levels (which I never knew) I am more willing to use it. So how much weight lifting would I have to do to make a difference?

I'm not really an expert in this feild but I do know that exercise (especially weight lifting), increases testosterone levels. I'm not sure on how much exactly is just enough to make a difference especially since there are many variables from person to person. What I would do to start would be...

*What I would do just starting off would be 3 sets of 10 of curls, shoulder shrugs, dumbbell rows, and dumbell military press. (though itmay be good to have 2 dumbells or a barbell.
*Also 3 sets of as many push ups as you can do with your arms positioned different spaces apart, crunches, and leg raises.
*And as a warm and as cardio in between jump rope or running (but a punching bag is great too), if you don't have a jump rope and electric cord works just fine, and is great for keeping your heart beat accelerated.
*I would combine them into a "crossfit" type program, (or one after the other with little rest, but thats just my personal preference).

*Nutrition and pre and post-workout stretching are also very important. However I'm not qualified to tell another what and how much they should be eating.

*Getting enough sleep also boosts testosterone levels. 7-9 hours is recommended for someone your age.

*I would work out about 3 times a week, but if you are just starting, I would wait a week after the initial workout, so you won't be too sore.

*The amount of weight you want to use is just enough to where you can get to 10 reps with the last one a bit of a struggle.

I do think this is a good way to build confidence for a variety of reasons. It will have very good results for someone in your age range, if you stick with it... Give it a month or two.

Another thing, I do not recommend testosterone boosting supplements, I think doing it all natural is the way to go.

[Stereopsis]

	Originally Posted by MartinH To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Justified in what way? Is it part of your responsibilities to monitor him? Is that why your boss would be mad if you didn't report him?

Well I wasn't actually told that it was my responsibility,but really is it not just common sense to report someone's bad work? Especially if it threatens your safety? I remember walking into the staffroom and almost slipping on the mopped floor because no signs were put up to warn that the floor was wet. I thought my boss would get upset because I could had told him about his poor work much earlier.

(Boss) You never said anything until now? That makes you just as careless as Terry!
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Honestly, reporting him had never occurred to me until his sloppiness got worse.

[MartinH]

It wouldn't be common sense to me, no, but if your safety or the safety of others is endangered then you definitely do have a responsibility to do so.