How do you respond to a friendly tease?

**progMan** · 11-10-2009, 06:45 PM

You know, similar to flirting, but not sexual. As I understand them, their purpose is to simply interact with the other person, so as to establish a connection, and therefore trust.

I usually respond literally, because I just don't know what else to say (as there is usually no logical response based on the content offered), and I would rather not offend the other person by not saying anything (I imagine it would imply that I dislike the other person - which is very rarely, if ever, the case).

I would just fake smile/laugh, but I'm fairly certain that I'm a horrible actor, and, personally, I would find a fake smile/laugh even more offensive.

In any case, naturally, this leads people to believe that I did not understand that what they said was a tease, and I think some might presume that I have taken the tease personally (as some are insults, however friendly) and consequently feel awkward and/or guilty.

If you're experience is similar to mine, please share tactics on handling these situations.

**SelfMadeBum** · 11-10-2009, 06:46 PM

Spend some time with us in the last word thread.

Witty comebacks are what the thread is all about.

( Show Spoiler )

**True Rune** · 11-10-2009, 06:47 PM

Sarcasm. Not one of my best talents.. :P

**Danny** · 11-10-2009, 06:47 PM

Don't fake it. Tease back. (Just don't violate any anti-harassment laws.)

**Samoan Corleone** · 11-10-2009, 06:52 PM

Yes, tease back. In some cases, you won't have a witty comeback come to you in a split second, so you need a line that can be a universal reply to any tease, like, "oh, that's low lol".

**progMan** · 11-10-2009, 06:54 PM

	Originally Posted by Danny To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Don't fake it. Tease back. (Just don't violate any anti-harassment laws.)

It seems like it either has to happen naturally or it doesn't happen. You see, I've tried, but it always comes out like I actually mean it.

Awkward times, my friend, awkward times.
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---------- Post added 11-10-2009 at 09:55 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Samoan Corleone To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, tease back. In some cases, you won't have a witty comeback come to you in a split second, so you need a line that can be a universal reply to any tease, like, "oh, that's low lol".

I'll be sure to include the internet slang.
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**WoodElf4U** · 11-10-2009, 06:55 PM

Why do I read the OP as "Does not compute" ?

If you know each other, then a response should hopefully come naturally.
If you don't know the person well, then maybe they are testing you to see if you are on the same level. Wit and humor are your allies.

**Crazyblue** · 11-10-2009, 07:19 PM

If it's a bad joke I'll do a blatantly obvious fake laugh and point out why they thought what they did was funny. I mostly ignore them though except when it interferes with work. It's not that I don't get jokes or whatever, but it's tiring when it's the same fucking joke over and over again. Yes, I talk to women without intending to sleep with them. No, I don't care to talk about how every female looks.

**Tactical Panda** · 11-10-2009, 07:20 PM

If it is one on one launch a friendly counter-tease, or let it slide with a smile.

In a group situation pretend to be embarrassed but don't overdo it.
An awkward grin and silence is usually enough.

Saying something witty and diplomatic tends to work either way, if I can manage.

**Mader** · 11-10-2009, 07:25 PM

I find that jock/sports-type teasing works for me, but I work in a very aggressive, male oriented industry. Girlie-girls do not survive long in my industry.

**t3hrubikscube** · 11-11-2009, 01:51 AM

I usually either politely smile/laugh or return it in the exact same way they dished it out. I'm not creative and I'm not really into exchanging pointless banter.

**liquidzilla** · 11-11-2009, 02:11 AM

I like to think I'm quite good at comebacks, but if I can't think of one I smile/laugh and shake my head.

**BostonIan** · 11-11-2009, 06:50 AM

Truly friendly teasing is having a laugh at a humorous situation that happens to involve a quality of the object of the teasing. Best would be to laugh along, assuming I'm not offended.

A pitfall is that a lot of what people want to call "friendly teasing" is actually a passive-aggressive dominance play, called friendly to protect the teaser from the backlash with the implication the object would display sensitivity or humorlessness by confronting the teaser directly, which is the right course of action.

**Latro** · 11-11-2009, 07:37 AM

I probably would fail to recognize it was friendly and either react negatively or avoid reacting.

Among friends where we have an intuitive grasp of our boundaries, we mostly react well, and are up front when a boundary is crossed. Typically a reaction is a sarcastic form of "yep, that's how it is" etc.

**Chronos** · 11-11-2009, 07:57 AM

	Originally Posted by progMan To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You know, similar to flirting, but not sexual. As I understand them, their purpose is to simply interact with the other person, so as to establish a connection, and therefore trust.

I think you're right on the money there, but I'd like to take it even further. Being able to tease each other a bit is, to me, the hallmark of a good, close relationship. It shows you're secure enough with each other and know each other well enough to trust that it doesn't cross the line.

Flirting is actually closely related to friendly teasing, IMO, but as you, say, it introduces a sexual element. Plus there are other subtle differences.

Of course, all of this is a somewhat delicate art, but I've found that over the years I've become much more comfortable with it than I used to be (I know the feeling of finding it awkward to be the object of a tease all too well).

The reason? Well, simply practice, I guess. The best way to learn how to get along with people is to simply spend a lot of time with them.

Also, it all boils down to a great extent to how you feel inside (which is also something that I find changes with practice). Your reactions will reflect this. Being secure in your own skin will usually lead you to the correct response, even if it's something as simple as grinning and using body language to show that you understand the tease and are amused by it.

That said, how exactly does being teased make you feel? Why do you think that is? And - can you think of ways of possibly changing how you feel in these types of situations?

**themuzicman** · 11-11-2009, 08:01 AM

I actually use Movie lines to help me out often.. If someone does a tease and it's not really funny, I'll do the Captain Barbosa line after Elizabeth is freaked out by seeing "ghosts", and I'll laugh maniaclly, and then yell, "Back to work you lazy scabs."

**JustMel** · 11-11-2009, 08:51 AM

For me it depends on who said it and if I like them or merely tolerate them. If i don't like them I tend to cease all attempts at humor with 'the stare'

If it's my husband I say whatever comes to mind.

If it's a friend or family member I usually just say whatever comes to mind.

If I don't know them at all I usually just look at them and say "Do I know you" and walk away

If it's a client I usually just say whatever comes to mind. They hired me for my bluntness, they'll deal with it.

I was at a city council meeting one night when one of the council members made a joke that XYZ company would be doing the dirt removal for an upcoming city project. It's common knowledge that they do ALL the dirt removal and hauling for any city project. Someone else made a comment "I wonder why they get all the city contracts" and good ol' Mel popped out with "Because Jimmy, the owner, has pics of the Mayor naked" to which Jimmy replied, "Nah, I'm sleeping with his wife" to which I said, "Poor Susan, what won't she do for her husband's political gains" to which Susan and the Mayor both replied, "nothing".

**JTG** · 11-11-2009, 10:24 AM

I think i'm usually the one doing it, but a lot of people don't understand my dry sense of humor... or my constant sarcasm. I end up apologizing semi-often because people don't know i'm joking, or because they just didn't get it.

Other people don't like me because they use their humor to kind of establish dominance in a way or something. They don't like that they can't best me in a witty exchange :P

**admittedheretic** · 11-11-2009, 11:13 AM

	Originally Posted by progMan To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	In any case, naturally, this leads people to believe that I did not understand that what they said was a tease, and I think some might presume that I have taken the tease personally (as some are insults, however friendly) and consequently feel awkward and/or guilty. If you're experience is similar to mine, please share tactics on handling these situations.

You described this all so well. My experiences are very similar and I'm confident I've found the root of the issue. I don't seem to process body language or facial expressions very well and apparently normal people use non-verbal communication to express different degrees of teasing. I have a solid conceptual understanding of such teasing and I even use it myself, but I've long felt a gap in communication. This is all analogous to sarcasm. I understand how to use and interrupt sarcasm, but sometimes I will take things literally because I can't tell if someone is joking. This does not mean I take everything said literally as if I lacked higher level thinking. Can you relate?

**progMan** · 11-11-2009, 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by admittedheretic
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You described this all so well. My experiences are very similar and I'm confident I've found the root of the issue. I don't seem to process body language or facial expressions very well and apparently normal people use non-verbal communication to express different degrees of teasing. I have a solid conceptual understanding of such teasing and I even use it myself, but I've long felt a gap in communication. This is all analogous to sarcasm. I understand how to use and interrupt sarcasm, but sometimes I will take things literally because I can't tell if someone is joking. This does not mean I take everything said literally as if I lacked higher level thinking. Can you relate?

Not really. When someone teases me, I am always fully aware of what they are doing (to my knowledge, anyway).

My issue is that I seem only able to respond to what someone says, as opposed to engaging with the person him/herself.

**vash** · 11-11-2009, 08:15 PM

The "friendly tease" can be more ominous than it sounds. It depends on who is doing it and why. With men, it is too often a veiled come-on even though it is supposedly non-sexual; with women, it is too often catty jealousy even between supposed friends. I usually respond in one of two ways: (1) I smile knowingly and say, "That was pretty funny," or (2) I give a totally blank look. Either way, I'm off the hook regardless of whether the other person was being naughty or nice.

11-10-2009, 06:45 PM	#1
progMan New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 25	You know, similar to flirting, but not sexual. As I understand them, their purpose is to simply interact with the other person, so as to establish a connection, and therefore trust. I usually respond literally, because I just don't know what else to say (as there is usually no logical response based on the content offered), and I would rather not offend the other person by not saying anything (I imagine it would imply that I dislike the other person - which is very rarely, if ever, the case). I would just fake smile/laugh, but I'm fairly certain that I'm a horrible actor, and, personally, I would find a fake smile/laugh even more offensive. In any case, naturally, this leads people to believe that I did not understand that what they said was a tease, and I think some might presume that I have taken the tease personally (as some are insults, however friendly) and consequently feel awkward and/or guilty. If you're experience is similar to mine, please share tactics on handling these situations.
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11-10-2009, 06:46 PM	#2
SelfMadeBum Core Member [514%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 20,588	Spend some time with us in the last word thread. Witty comebacks are what the thread is all about. ( Show Spoiler ) Well, that, food, groping and puns.
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11-10-2009, 06:47 PM	#3
True Rune Core Member [201%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 8,062	Sarcasm. Not one of my best talents.. :P
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11-10-2009, 06:47 PM	#4
Danny Banned MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 1,824	Don't fake it. Tease back. (Just don't violate any anti-harassment laws.)
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11-10-2009, 06:52 PM	#5
Samoan Corleone Core Member [151%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,078	Yes, tease back. In some cases, you won't have a witty comeback come to you in a split second, so you need a line that can be a universal reply to any tease, like, "oh, that's low lol".
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11-10-2009, 06:55 PM	#7
WoodElf4U Member [07%] MBTI: INxP Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 280	Why do I read the OP as "Does not compute" ? If you know each other, then a response should hopefully come naturally. If you don't know the person well, then maybe they are testing you to see if you are on the same level. Wit and humor are your allies.
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11-10-2009, 07:19 PM	#8
Crazyblue Member [33%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 1,339	If it's a bad joke I'll do a blatantly obvious fake laugh and point out why they thought what they did was funny. I mostly ignore them though except when it interferes with work. It's not that I don't get jokes or whatever, but it's tiring when it's the same fucking joke over and over again. Yes, I talk to women without intending to sleep with them. No, I don't care to talk about how every female looks.
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11-10-2009, 07:20 PM	#9
Tactical Panda Core Member [133%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 5,328	If it is one on one launch a friendly counter-tease, or let it slide with a smile. In a group situation pretend to be embarrassed but don't overdo it. An awkward grin and silence is usually enough. Saying something witty and diplomatic tends to work either way, if I can manage.
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11-10-2009, 07:25 PM	#10
Mader Member [36%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 1,475	I find that jock/sports-type teasing works for me, but I work in a very aggressive, male oriented industry. Girlie-girls do not survive long in my industry.
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11-11-2009, 01:51 AM	#11
t3hrubikscube Member [18%] MBTI: IxTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 745	I usually either politely smile/laugh or return it in the exact same way they dished it out. I'm not creative and I'm not really into exchanging pointless banter.
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11-11-2009, 02:11 AM	#12
liquidzilla Member [10%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 411	I like to think I'm quite good at comebacks, but if I can't think of one I smile/laugh and shake my head.
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11-11-2009, 06:50 AM	#13
BostonIan Member [31%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 1,242	Truly friendly teasing is having a laugh at a humorous situation that happens to involve a quality of the object of the teasing. Best would be to laugh along, assuming I'm not offended. A pitfall is that a lot of what people want to call "friendly teasing" is actually a passive-aggressive dominance play, called friendly to protect the teaser from the backlash with the implication the object would display sensitivity or humorlessness by confronting the teaser directly, which is the right course of action.
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11-11-2009, 07:37 AM	#14
Latro Veteran Member [85%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 3,414	I probably would fail to recognize it was friendly and either react negatively or avoid reacting. Among friends where we have an intuitive grasp of our boundaries, we mostly react well, and are up front when a boundary is crossed. Typically a reaction is a sarcastic form of "yep, that's how it is" etc.
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11-11-2009, 08:01 AM	#16
themuzicman Core Member [288%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 11,541	I actually use Movie lines to help me out often.. If someone does a tease and it's not really funny, I'll do the Captain Barbosa line after Elizabeth is freaked out by seeing "ghosts", and I'll laugh maniaclly, and then yell, "Back to work you lazy scabs."
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11-11-2009, 08:51 AM	#17
JustMel Core Member [423%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 16,929	For me it depends on who said it and if I like them or merely tolerate them. If i don't like them I tend to cease all attempts at humor with 'the stare' If it's my husband I say whatever comes to mind. If it's a friend or family member I usually just say whatever comes to mind. If I don't know them at all I usually just look at them and say "Do I know you" and walk away If it's a client I usually just say whatever comes to mind. They hired me for my bluntness, they'll deal with it. I was at a city council meeting one night when one of the council members made a joke that XYZ company would be doing the dirt removal for an upcoming city project. It's common knowledge that they do ALL the dirt removal and hauling for any city project. Someone else made a comment "I wonder why they get all the city contracts" and good ol' Mel popped out with "Because Jimmy, the owner, has pics of the Mayor naked" to which Jimmy replied, "Nah, I'm sleeping with his wife" to which I said, "Poor Susan, what won't she do for her husband's political gains" to which Susan and the Mayor both replied, "nothing".
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11-11-2009, 10:24 AM	#18
JTG Core Member [246%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 9,844	I think i'm usually the one doing it, but a lot of people don't understand my dry sense of humor... or my constant sarcasm. I end up apologizing semi-often because people don't know i'm joking, or because they just didn't get it. Other people don't like me because they use their humor to kind of establish dominance in a way or something. They don't like that they can't best me in a witty exchange :P
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11-11-2009, 08:15 PM	#21
vash Member [15%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 604	The "friendly tease" can be more ominous than it sounds. It depends on who is doing it and why. With men, it is too often a veiled come-on even though it is supposedly non-sexual; with women, it is too often catty jealousy even between supposed friends. I usually respond in one of two ways: (1) I smile knowingly and say, "That was pretty funny," or (2) I give a totally blank look. Either way, I'm off the hook regardless of whether the other person was being naughty or nice.
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