[DeepThought]

Granted, but he was in an uncharacteristically blithe and jovial mood and seemed to relish in talking of nothing but the cuteness of kittens.

I wish dealing with sales/marketing people wasn't such a pain.

[IronSulfide]

Granted, instead of visiting you at home they just charge whatever they please directly to your bank account.

I wish I was my own boss.

[DeepThought]

Granted. Clients are unreasonable. Employees bitch and moan. Vendors are always trying to screw with you. Consultants are unreliable. You must now be on call 24/7 and you don't get any significant time off. Welcome to my world!
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I wish someone would buy me out.

[Synapse]

Granted. You are bought out as an indentured servant on a sugar plantation in Brazil. Forced to work long hours in the torrid heat, it will take you five years to finally buy a plane ticket to America.

I wish I had a pony.

[venuspop]

Granted. It nags too... err, the pony, that is.
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I wish my theory about dark energy is correct and this theory earns me an award.

[IronSulfide]

Granted, but your theory is that dark energy will rip the world to shreds in 2014. Enjoy being right while you can.

I wish my pets lived precisely as long as I did.

[gracious]

Granted, but you may regret that now you and the dog will only live as long as the goldfish. Better not overfeed him!

I wish people would respect my authoritaah!

[DoubleEntendre]

Granted, but it's only cheaply animated people from the town of South Park, CO.

I wish I could focus long enough to write a book.

[DeepThought]

Granted. You developed such an intense focus that you lost track of even your most basic bodily needs. Hygiene, food and water became little more than distractions. In your dehydrated, malnourished, and frankly disgusting state you manage to finish your book. Afterward you are rushed to the hospital where they eventually nurse you back to some semblance of health, but discover that you've contracted leprosy. You've lost several fingers and toes. It will take months for your body to heal and you will now need to take a course of rather unpleasant medications to keep the symptoms at bay. By the way, the book was a flop.

I wish that at will I could feel the effects of having consumed moderate amounts of alcohol without actually having ingesting any.

[BirdsOfAFeather]

Granted. You proceed to make many life decisions using poor judgement. You lose your job, and move under the nearest bridge. You get a new social group, but can't get too close to your new best friend because he smells like the rotting garbage he wallows in.

I wish that I could predict the future.

[IronSulfide]

Granted; you receive the unmitigated joy of foreseeing a future of nuclear holocaust, famine, pestilence, and the resurgence of Tom Arnold as a major celebrity.

I wish for sunshine and lollipops.

[DeepThought]

Granted. A super dense lollipop has been implanted in your rectum. It's now collapsing into a small star and initiating nuclear fusion giving you your own sunshine or if you like "ass-shine". Your butt also now has a significant gravitational pull. I'll leave it to the reader to imagine what happens next, but I'm sure most would agree that it's neither pretty or pleasant.

I wish for clairvoyance.

[IronSulfide]

Granted, but it is a very specific kind of clairvoyance that only tells you a person's blood type, and when used gives you a migrane headache that lasts two weeks. By the way, you can't switch it off.

I wish the rain forest had no environmental significance.

[DeepThought]

Granted. A massive asteroid strikes the Earth dramatically simplifying the environment.

I wish for x-ray vision.

[venuspop]

Granted. Your X-ray vision adversely influence your appreciation of beauty. Nothing looks beautiful any more and you dived into a depression.

I wish I'm the only person who can lift you out of that depression.

[BirdsOfAFeather]

Granted. But now you're saddled with the burden of keeping DeepThought from taking a nose dive off the nearest skyscraper if you try to escape for some quiet time. There. Is. No. Escape.

I wish someone would corrupt my wish.

[DeepThought]

Granted. You are the only person that can bring me out of my funk. Due to my increasing importance to the world economy the UN has formally requested that you do this immediately. You, of course, attempt to coerce them into paying your exorbitant fee. The US government again takes matters into it's own hands and abducts you, spirits you away to a black site, and proceeds to try to "negotiate" for the secret to curing me of my funk. They, being wise and experienced "negotiators" provide incentive in the form of both the carrot and the stick. They offer you lots of money and other perks as the carrot and promise you that if you fail what they will do to you next ...(REDACTED) *shudders*. You eventually acquiesce and cure me of my depression. The government being the lying bastards that they are quietly return you to your home, now being foreclosed on since you were gone so long, and leaves you only with a stale banana cream pie and a warm diet cherry coke as payment for your services.

Crap... OK, your wish is granted and corrupted. You now have pink eye.

I wish for the ability to excrete small gold nuggets from my navel at will.

[gracious]

Granted, but they back up in your abdomen pretty quickly if you don't excrete one every 15 minutes. You eventually die of gold diverticulitis. Your last word was "Au".

I wish I knew how to do that strikethrough thing. Seriously!

[DoubleEntendre]

Granted, you learn how to strike out text, however you've forgotten who you are, who your family is, and what year it is.

I wish there was a fresh pot of coffee everytime I woke up.

[Vermillion]

Granted. A magical leprechaun does a merry Irish dance then pisses in it before dissipating over the rainbow.

I wish those service plans for smart phones weren't so damn expensive.

[IronSulfide]

Granted, they're now half price, but the connectivity sucks and you can only place calls to land lines within a one mile radius.

I wish I had a million dollars.

[DeepThought]

Granted. To your amazement a million dollars suddenly appears in your bank account. The problem is that the money was deposited there accidentally by a coked up drug runner who now is desperate to get the money back before his boss finds out. This guy is heavily armed, has killed before, and knows where you live.

I wish for perfect health for many, many years before I finally and suddenly succumb to old age.

[BirdsOfAFeather]

Granted. Except that you've already lived up your span of "many many years" and you are presently succumbing to old age. Should've read the fine print, my friend.

I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller.

[IronSulfide]

Granted, your skill and attractive physique earn you a worldwide following, but then a psychotic fan breaks into your home, stabs you in the shower, and dresses himself in your clothes while rolling around crying on your bed.

I wish that I was a skilled composer.

[gracious]

Granted: You are Yoko Ono. We can't wait for some new ballads.

I wish the people at work could make decisions ONCE instead of re-evaluating every detail and changing their minds at every meeting.