INTJ and giving gifts on bdays

**hippiechic** · 10-03-2009, 02:10 PM

Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards. I'm an ENFJ and the guy I've been dating for a couple of months is an INTJ. We definitely have had a lot of issues so earlier on because I swore he was 'just not that into me', but now I'm starting to get it-finally. We otherwise seem to be a perfect fit and I enjoy spending time with him.

My issue is this. My birthday is tomorrow and me and my guy are hanging out. Tokens of thoughtfulness on your birthday is a tradition I have always had with all the people I'm involved with. Heck, just a token in general to express how much you care is a nice gesture.

We are still learning about each other and I'm not sure what his thoughts are on gift giving and birthdays. I find myself expecting something, no matter how small, but now I'm wondering if he will do anything like that.

If he does not give me a gift, should I feel bad? I anticipate I would feel a little slighted.

**Silverity** · 10-03-2009, 02:22 PM

I imagine if he doesn't know what to get you he would opt for a romantic gesture (dinner out, or something). Considering you're dating I assume he'd get you something, socially inept we may be but when it comes to relationships we do generally try and make them work.

If he doesn't get you anything you can feel whatever you want: I don't think that will change much. In the future I'd bring these worries up ahead of time, I'd suggest dropping an unsubtle hint but as it's the day before I'm not sure it would help. Either way, always be direct, an INTJ will appreciate it and given how oblivious we can be it's sometimes necessary to just say what you want and when you want it @_@

**Cuivienen** · 10-03-2009, 02:25 PM

I always give birthday/christmas gifts to people I am close to and enjoy finding something special I think they will really like. Not sure if this is typical to all or most intjs, but your question made me think of this intj-profile:

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INTJs tend to have a model in mind of how their relationship ought to be. This is less a romantic vision than it is and idea that relates to how the relationship functions in a unique or special way. They tend to withhold their deep feelings and affections from the public and sometimes even from the object of their affections. They can be intensely loyal and caring, even though this is not always expressed in words. INTJs can be generous with their gifts if the gift fits their vision of what ought to be appreciated by their partner.

My experience in this is rather limited, but I think if you`ve been dating exclusively for a few months he should give you a present. Did he give you any reason to think he won`t?

Storm · 10-03-2009, 02:32 PM

Have you indicated to him that you would like to do something for your birthday? I imagine he'll get something for you, or do something for you. He'd be sort of a jerk to not do anything for your birthday. You did tell him it's your birthday, right?

**Frag** · 10-03-2009, 09:55 PM

I do don't gifts, or birthdays or anything like that.

Neither does the gf.
(edit: not as much as others)

Your partner IS is the gift.

**Soulless** · 10-03-2009, 10:34 PM

INTJs tend to not value gifts or birthdays as much as other types do. a gift is a very good sign, but no gift is not a bad sign.

we also tend to be practical people. therefore, a romantic/thoughtful gift is a very good sign, and a practical gift is also not a bad sign. don't read too much into this.

if there is a card with a description of his feelings towards you, then you know you have the golden ticket. good luck! ;p

**karenann33** · 10-04-2009, 06:09 AM

I'm not a big gift giver as I look at is another chore or obligation. Like I hate Hallmark type holidays like Mothers Day, Valentines, Day. However my dh is an INTJ but he's more sociable than me. He LOVES to give gifts. He overwhelmed me on more than one occasion when we were dating. So I'm thinking this could go either way.

Don't get me wrong I do like to give gifts just not so much when it's expected. If my husband wants something I'm more likely to just get it for him rather than waiting till some specified day of the year. Also I'm not an idiot I do get a present when its socially expected. I'm not a total outcast. LOL!!

**LaoTzu** · 10-04-2009, 06:37 AM

	Originally Posted by hippiechic To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he does not give me a gift, should I feel bad? I anticipate I would feel a little slighted.

Damn right...

I like to give gifts. I'm pretty good at it too, I think.

INTJ's in general should be good at it due to our introspective intuitive nature... we should just intuit what the best gifts would be.
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It's my birthday today anyways....so maybe check back tomorrow to see if I change my tune
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**The Maelstrom** · 10-04-2009, 07:07 AM

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You did tell him it's your birthday, right?

That's an important one... also he might forget easily.

Myself the only way I remember people's birthday's is in relation to each other, i.e. my blonde sister on my mother's side is a month and a day before me, my dad's is the same day of the month as her minus the first digit, my son is 2 months after mine (very convenient
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), my brother's is in the first week of march and my mother's is a week before his. Unfortunately for other siblings, I haven't found a way to connect them cause I can't remember
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.

I also don't make a huge deal out of my own bday, I don't expect anything but anything I get is appreciated. I try to get things for people when I can, or when I really want to do something they'll enjoy.

I think the "no big deal" is more for the self for the average INTJ, though I'd expect most would realize others give it greater importance and thus will do something.

P.S. Mine was last weekend *totally not looking for attention*

**brecia** · 10-04-2009, 07:34 AM

Originally Posted by LaoTzu
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Damn right...

I like to give gifts. I'm pretty good at it too, I think.

INTJ's in general should be good at it due to our introspective intuitive nature... we should just intuit what the best gifts would be.
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It's my birthday today anyways....so maybe check back tomorrow to see if I change my tune
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Happy Birthday then!

Same here!!! I usually can guess the person's taste.My priority is first something they need if i don't know this then something they want and finally something i think they would like have.
They have to beam with joy after they recieved my gift.

I must confess i expect the same thoughtfulness from the ones i love.But they can't guess what i might like to have.

**Talkahuano** · 10-04-2009, 08:41 AM

My roommate and her boyfriend are both INTJs. She remembers dates and gets gifts. He forgets dates and sends gifts a month late. I think it just depends on the person, really.

**Silverity** · 10-04-2009, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by The Maelstrom
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That's an important one... also he might forget easily.

Myself the only way I remember people's birthday's is in relation to each other
I also don't make a huge deal out of my own bday, I don't expect anything but anything I get is appreciated. I try to get things for people when I can, or when I really want to do something they'll enjoy.

I think the "no big deal" is more for the self for the average INTJ, though I'd expect most would realize others give it greater importance and thus will do something.

P.S. Mine was last weekend *totally not looking for attention*

Happy birthday =P

I agree with both of your statements: I memorize birthdates by the patterns I see between them. I also don't celebrate my birthday at all. Part of that is simply because my birthday falls during the spring semester exam period. I don't ask or particularly want gifts, and I definitely won't do a party.

**The Maelstrom** · 10-04-2009, 12:36 PM

	Originally Posted by Silverity To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Happy birthday =P I agree with both of your statements: I memorize birthdates by the patterns I see between them. I also don't celebrate my birthday at all. Part of that is simply because my birthday falls during the spring semester exam period. I don't ask or particularly want gifts, and I definitely won't do a party.

Thankee
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parties... I used to WANT them as a kid, but now I'd enjoy a small get together I think, but not more than a dozen or so people.

	Originally Posted by Talkahuano To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My roommate and her boyfriend are both INTJs. She remembers dates and gets gifts. He forgets dates and sends gifts a month late. I think it just depends on the person, really.

Could be a guy thing...

**SelfMadeBum** · 10-04-2009, 01:46 PM

	Originally Posted by The Maelstrom To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Could be a guy thing...

No, I'm complete shit at remembering people's birthday's too. My ENFJ girlfriend in particular gets upset about it because she takes it seriously. Every year she has to remind me several times that it's coming up... still no guarantee that on the actual day I'll remember.
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**runoverazebra** · 10-05-2009, 07:26 AM

I remember birthdays, and I usually give someone a present, if that person means enough to me. It's usually something that I make myself, rather than something store bought.

**combustor** · 10-05-2009, 09:00 AM

I usually don't remember birthdays, or (insert meaningless category)'s day. If it is someone I know VERY well that wants something specific that I can afford, I'll get a gift. Otherwise the gift would be cash (the most practical gift one can give) or maybe a book. In the stated situation I would either consider taking you out and spending time with you the "gift" or if you told me "I want X for my birthday" and X is within the realm of possibility I would present you with X. Otherwise I say don't expect a gift but if there is one, welcome the surprise. Since your birthday is past let us know what happened!

**Claudus** · 10-05-2009, 11:54 AM

I usually only give gifts if they are meaningful. If I can't think of something worth giving, I don't give anything.

**arce** · 10-12-2009, 04:28 PM

When I care about someone, whether they are a good friend or someone I am interested in or with, I will go to the ends of the Earth to give them a wonderful gift. I will spend as much money and time I can manage on them.

I consider myself a tremendous gift giver. The more over the top and outrageous I can be, the better.

It doesn't even have to be for a birthday. If I see something that the object of my affections with like, if it makes sense to buy two of them, I will.

I love giving people gifts.

As far as what I like?

Get me something I saw in a dream. Someone did that for me once and I would a sworn to be theirs forever.

**4titude** · 11-26-2009, 04:11 PM

gift or no gift-give him a break
he may never be able to put into words how he feels for you
trying to express anything by giving a gift is even harder for some of us

i struggle internally about gifts: is it the right gift, right size, right color; did i spend to much, to little; does it mean enough; would she like something better; etc
i can't transform feelings into objects or delivery of objects and then wonder why am i doing it on this particular day anyway...feb 14th?? why is today special, is this rational
i twist myself into a hole and rush around the week before and then still feel bad....or just forget

would it make you feel good if he spent 40 hrs thinking/calculating/planning; did the gift thing just right for you and hid his discomfort from you the whole time bc thats what he thought you wanted?
if some INTJs acutally are uncomfortable doing gifts BUT the Es and the Fs want gifts, could you compromise, go everyother holiday???

**TigerL** · 11-26-2009, 09:11 PM

	Originally Posted by hippiechic To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he does not give me a gift, should I feel bad? I anticipate I would feel a little slighted.

How you feel is how you feel - there is no 'should' or 'shouldn't'.

Personally, I wouldn't expect a guy to remember my birthday or get me gift after just a few months of dating although I've had it happen before. My first boyfriend put together a handbound book of Shakespeare's sonnets for me - pretty impressive for a teenager!

But then birthdays don't really matter that much in our family except when I was a child.

**zibber** · 11-27-2009, 01:28 AM

	Originally Posted by hippiechic To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Heck, just a token in general to express how much you care is a nice gesture. If he does not give me a gift, should I feel bad? I anticipate I would feel a little slighted.

Don't have a cow.

Everyone likes a gift, but to expect gifts and consequently feel slighted seems just.. childish.

Is he completely cold to you? No. Does he show you he care? I'm sure of it. He's spending time with you, which you don't do with someone you don't give a shit about. Tokens are only a bonus.

**Felidae** · 11-29-2009, 04:27 PM

I give gifts when I believe the person who is getting it will be happy/enjoy it, regardless of date, to close family, close friends and my girlfriend.

This year I didn't give a gift in my gilrfriend's birthday, she just didn't care. She earned a point in my score
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10-03-2009, 02:10 PM	#1
hippiechic New Member [01%] MBTI: ENFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 27	Hi everyone, I'm new to the boards. I'm an ENFJ and the guy I've been dating for a couple of months is an INTJ. We definitely have had a lot of issues so earlier on because I swore he was 'just not that into me', but now I'm starting to get it-finally. We otherwise seem to be a perfect fit and I enjoy spending time with him. My issue is this. My birthday is tomorrow and me and my guy are hanging out. Tokens of thoughtfulness on your birthday is a tradition I have always had with all the people I'm involved with. Heck, just a token in general to express how much you care is a nice gesture. We are still learning about each other and I'm not sure what his thoughts are on gift giving and birthdays. I find myself expecting something, no matter how small, but now I'm wondering if he will do anything like that. If he does not give me a gift, should I feel bad? I anticipate I would feel a little slighted.
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10-03-2009, 02:22 PM	#2
Silverity Core Member [274%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 10,991	I imagine if he doesn't know what to get you he would opt for a romantic gesture (dinner out, or something). Considering you're dating I assume he'd get you something, socially inept we may be but when it comes to relationships we do generally try and make them work. If he doesn't get you anything you can feel whatever you want: I don't think that will change much. In the future I'd bring these worries up ahead of time, I'd suggest dropping an unsubtle hint but as it's the day before I'm not sure it would help. Either way, always be direct, an INTJ will appreciate it and given how oblivious we can be it's sometimes necessary to just say what you want and when you want it @_@
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10-03-2009, 02:32 PM	#4
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,680	Have you indicated to him that you would like to do something for your birthday? I imagine he'll get something for you, or do something for you. He'd be sort of a jerk to not do anything for your birthday. You did tell him it's your birthday, right?
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10-03-2009, 09:55 PM	#5
Frag Member [13%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 534	I do don't gifts, or birthdays or anything like that. Neither does the gf. (edit: not as much as others) Your partner IS is the gift. Last edited by Frag; 10-03-2009 at 11:40 PM.
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10-03-2009, 10:34 PM	#6
Soulless Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 95	INTJs tend to not value gifts or birthdays as much as other types do. a gift is a very good sign, but no gift is not a bad sign. we also tend to be practical people. therefore, a romantic/thoughtful gift is a very good sign, and a practical gift is also not a bad sign. don't read too much into this. if there is a card with a description of his feelings towards you, then you know you have the golden ticket. good luck! ;p
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10-04-2009, 06:09 AM	#7
karenann33 Member [31%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 1,278	I'm not a big gift giver as I look at is another chore or obligation. Like I hate Hallmark type holidays like Mothers Day, Valentines, Day. However my dh is an INTJ but he's more sociable than me. He LOVES to give gifts. He overwhelmed me on more than one occasion when we were dating. So I'm thinking this could go either way. Don't get me wrong I do like to give gifts just not so much when it's expected. If my husband wants something I'm more likely to just get it for him rather than waiting till some specified day of the year. Also I'm not an idiot I do get a present when its socially expected. I'm not a total outcast. LOL!!
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10-04-2009, 08:41 AM	#11
Talkahuano Member [03%] MBTI: ISTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 153	My roommate and her boyfriend are both INTJs. She remembers dates and gets gifts. He forgets dates and sends gifts a month late. I think it just depends on the person, really.
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10-05-2009, 07:26 AM	#15
runoverazebra Core Member [372%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 14,907	I remember birthdays, and I usually give someone a present, if that person means enough to me. It's usually something that I make myself, rather than something store bought.
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10-05-2009, 09:00 AM	#16
combustor Member [03%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 141	I usually don't remember birthdays, or (insert meaningless category)'s day. If it is someone I know VERY well that wants something specific that I can afford, I'll get a gift. Otherwise the gift would be cash (the most practical gift one can give) or maybe a book. In the stated situation I would either consider taking you out and spending time with you the "gift" or if you told me "I want X for my birthday" and X is within the realm of possibility I would present you with X. Otherwise I say don't expect a gift but if there is one, welcome the surprise. Since your birthday is past let us know what happened!
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10-05-2009, 11:54 AM	#17
Claudus Member [15%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 615	I usually only give gifts if they are meaningful. If I can't think of something worth giving, I don't give anything.
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10-12-2009, 04:28 PM	#18
arce New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 6	When I care about someone, whether they are a good friend or someone I am interested in or with, I will go to the ends of the Earth to give them a wonderful gift. I will spend as much money and time I can manage on them. I consider myself a tremendous gift giver. The more over the top and outrageous I can be, the better. It doesn't even have to be for a birthday. If I see something that the object of my affections with like, if it makes sense to buy two of them, I will. I love giving people gifts. As far as what I like? Get me something I saw in a dream. Someone did that for me once and I would a sworn to be theirs forever.
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11-26-2009, 04:11 PM	#19
4titude New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 7	gift or no gift-give him a break he may never be able to put into words how he feels for you trying to express anything by giving a gift is even harder for some of us i struggle internally about gifts: is it the right gift, right size, right color; did i spend to much, to little; does it mean enough; would she like something better; etc i can't transform feelings into objects or delivery of objects and then wonder why am i doing it on this particular day anyway...feb 14th?? why is today special, is this rational i twist myself into a hole and rush around the week before and then still feel bad....or just forget would it make you feel good if he spent 40 hrs thinking/calculating/planning; did the gift thing just right for you and hid his discomfort from you the whole time bc thats what he thought you wanted? if some INTJs acutally are uncomfortable doing gifts BUT the Es and the Fs want gifts, could you compromise, go everyother holiday???
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11-29-2009, 04:27 PM	#22
Felidae New Member [01%] MBTI: INTx Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 48	I give gifts when I believe the person who is getting it will be happy/enjoy it, regardless of date, to close family, close friends and my girlfriend. This year I didn't give a gift in my gilrfriend's birthday, she just didn't care. She earned a point in my score To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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