Critique my essay please

**Femmebott** · 09-30-2009, 06:38 AM

English 1101 Observation Essay

Enveloped in a barrage of books, papers and gum wrappers, I sit. A stoic statue, a stone, immersed in an electronic world, and willfully numb. Theoretically, I am only exercising my intuition, soaking up ideas like a sponge, thinking and thinking, accepting new information and rejecting the old. Yet the carnal world, at war with my intuitive plane of existence, jerks me violently into the pragmatic ritual of reading, typing, writing, and recalling. Work, as pure as it is, is not a meaningless action. In its purest forms, work is productive. Work builds things, changes things, reshapes and remodels. However, an idol body gives the mind an exercise it could not experience whilst in the midst of physical exertion. Exertion does not indicate exhaustion. Exertion is doing the laundry, shutting car doors, scrubbing toilets, sharpening pencils, turning pages in books, typing essays, drying dishes, wiping windows, unscrewing caps and lighting cigars. Exertion is what inhibits the intuition in its purest form. I see the correlation between the thinkers and asceticism, and the ever-doers and their carnality, sensuous and ardently seeking something to feel, taste, touch, smell. Thuds from above stifle the roll of the symphony in my mind. I arise, leg bones creaking from their disturbance, realizing new movement and joyfully fulfilling their rightful duties; walking into the living room. My roommate is a bundle of pink blankets, tangles brass hair and black socks. The other sits stiff backed, half smiling and half focused, folding towels and sharing her eyes with the television and the task. I stand, fingers numb from exposure to the cold still air in the room, the unforgiving vents huffing their Arctic blasts throughout our dorm. “What is that?” I say, knowing they don’t know. The pink fluff answers in a muffled tone, “I think its them upstairs. What do they be doing up there?” I shake my head and look to the ceiling, as if it were a secret window into which I could look and see what the fools in room 339 were really up to. “I don’t know, but I am going to file a complaint tomorrow.” I stand a few minutes, leaning on the corner of a wall, looking half interested at the television show they were watching. Someone smiling, people formally dressed and seated in a room, the camera angles indicate a reality show. I sigh. I knew what it was, and decided it was a waste of my time to watch it. Back into my foxhole I stumble; I have a wavering gait and tend to wobble every now and then due to a miniscule inner ear injury. I stretch before sitting down, and hear the bones creak again. My spine protests loudly to its return to position one. The laptop keys are now cold; I have abandoned them, and my screen has become a glazed over picture of masked entities who seem to be looking at me. I roll a finger over the touch pad and wake up Big Red. The video of the debate between Keith Richard and Rich Rodriguez is still there. I click the screen. Their voices are both flat and nervous. Debates make me nervous too, so I know how they feel. I click the screen again, halting their rambling. How can I type an essay listening to a debate? The little machines that look like R-2 D-2 mumble and groan outside my window. They always tend to snap me out of deep thought. I look at my screen again, and then I pause. I have to leave this plane, the lowest plane of existence, the feeling, hearing, smelling, and touching. I have to go where I can retrieve the thoughts that are as fleeting as loose kites, unwilling to come down unless I go up and pull them down myself. Bring the balloons down, bring them down, so that you can pop them in front of everybody and let them hear the sound of your mind…
The television people are loud and are screaming for attention. Like the R-2 D-2 machines outside, they kidnap my conscience and tell me over the airwaves to listen to them, their nonsense, their lust for attention and lack of substance. The club music going on in the background is an ugly noise. It sounds like static a bit…I pause again. I can hear a male voice now, and a door shutting. I can’t make out any words. It doesn’t really matter, because they are probably not talking about anything important. They grow quiet. Big Red starts to hum, like a fan. Back on task, back to the screen and the keys, and too alert to think. I quiet the ridiculous humdrum of TV, voices, the R-2 D-2 machines, and Big Red prying forcibly into my mind. The doors are locked right now. I drift out of the lowest plane again. The panorama is just a collage of past events of the day, food, and new to do lists that never seem to get finished. Thoughts I thought I pushed away. Remembering is a pain and a privilege. “Quiet!” I yell to the noisy entities, abstract as they are, they are not powerless, especially to my mind. Once again obedience and order are restored. Once again I sit, a stoic statue, a stone immersed in an electronic world, and willfully numb.

**gestalt** · 09-30-2009, 07:04 AM

Notes: 1) It's IDLE not idol. 2) Carnality generally refers to sexuality. 3) What's with your 'old creaky legs'? 4) After 'sound of your mind...' - why do you make this another paragraph? 4) Your style is stream of consciousness - I assume this is for the first College writing class you've taken. I hate stream of consciousness. 5) Who is Big Red? You refer to gum wrappers in the beginning but Big Red starts to hum? Is that the name of your computer? 6) Noisy electronic entities appear to be your main focus.

Critique: This paper is B- quality at a college level. I mean I 'get it' but I found your diction (word choice) distracting and inappropriate.

**Femmebott** · 09-30-2009, 07:07 AM

So that was all you found "wrong" with it?
And those sound like opinions but I will consider em
Thx for reading it

Femmebott added to this post, 3 minutes and 44 seconds later...

Carnality generally refers to sexuality. 3) What's with your 'old creaky legs'? 4) After 'sound of your mind...' - why do you make this another paragraph?

My bones creak alot
I see "external" people as sexually inclined moreso than "internally focused" people
The format was a bit off, I see what you're saying
Big Red is my laptop
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When I make a switch to some other topic or area of interest, I start new paragraphs; I didn't think it would flow well

and ya, I am a freshman hehehe

**realitycheque** · 09-30-2009, 07:56 AM

I agree the stream of consciousness is not appealing. Along those lines, there are a lot of Observations of yourself ("I"), rather than the outside world. It's like a twitter, a bit boring in the mundane. Try more third person.

I noted a couple of interesting allusions with metaphors and interpretations of your Observations, and there should be more of these creative parts. Leave the reader with some intriguing insight from the Observations at the end, tying everything up, but not about yourself.

**XFire35** · 09-30-2009, 11:03 AM

Where are the paragraphs?

**Nemesis** · 09-30-2009, 01:50 PM

You may be able to swing a C to B- out of this, given that you are in your first year. The one word that I would use to describe this is "grandiloquence" (look that up). Tone down the fluff and get to the point. I understand it's an "observation" essay, but try and focus on one general thing. In short, it looks like you are trying way too hard to sound smart, but not driving towards any kind of point or statement.

**Femmebott** · 09-30-2009, 02:21 PM

No, that's how I write my essays
I have always been accused of grandiloquence, but I think its simply a matter of whatever you think takes alot of effort
i think there are too many details, but little "substance"
but grandiloquence? nah

**Nemesis** · 09-30-2009, 04:23 PM

	Originally Posted by Femmebott To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No, that's how I write my essays I have always been accused of grandiloquence, but I think its simply a matter of whatever you think takes alot of effort i think there are too many details, but little "substance" but grandiloquence? nah

While I do appreciate the fact that you have an impressive vocabulary, excessive use of descriptive words will start to cost you huge in terms of grades when you get into your 3rd and 4th year classes. Your essay style may be okay for a 1st year English class, but you really need to streamline your writing if you want to get high grades in other classes. I'm not meaning to sound overly critical, but if this essay was being submitted for a senior level class, you would probably earn a D (maybe an F). You really need to curtail these habits now before they cost you later. If you want to learn the other way (getting crappy marks until you buck up), that's your choice.

**Kisai** · 09-30-2009, 06:17 PM

Your style is much more suited for a poetry slam and not a for a term paper.

Storm · 09-30-2009, 06:35 PM

I'm sorry, I didn't read it because it's just a block of text. You need some paragraphs. You can dismiss this if you want, but many many people stop listening/reading when doing so is a challenge due to poor formatting.

**XFire35** · 10-01-2009, 12:49 AM

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm sorry, I didn't read it because it's just a block of text. You need some paragraphs. You can dismiss this if you want, but many many people stop listening/reading when doing so is a challenge due to poor formatting.

I would give you a cookie, if possible.

@Femmebott: We are writing opposites
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I've been told I have a clinical writing style, you with your grandiloquence style... we could rule the world :D

**deinotes** · 10-01-2009, 01:33 AM

Didn't read it because it's 1 block of text, use paragraphs.

**Anhedonic Lake** · 10-01-2009, 08:25 AM

Too many commas and not enough paragraphs.A few semi colons would'nt have gone amiss.

**Femmebott** · 10-01-2009, 07:15 PM

Ok. So I should: Use more of the third person, less "fluff", and have a theme, or "moral"
AND PARAGRAPH BREAKS OK I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!
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**mmw** · 10-01-2009, 07:17 PM

Other than the formatting issues others have mentioned I would say it has a certain stylistic merit. What was the prompt exactly? It seems a bit conceptually advanced for a freshman composition class.
I have to respectfully disagree with Nemesis for this type of writing I wouldn't be so concerned about a particular focus or point. However it sounds like he has a good deal of experience in upper level composition which I do not.

Storm · 10-01-2009, 08:49 PM

You going to post your rewrite for us?

**Femmebott** · 10-02-2009, 10:30 AM

i may, but i just realized i DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO WRITE THE DAMNED ESSAY!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!!!!! but i still am kinda "eh" about writing observation essays

**phej** · 10-02-2009, 10:49 AM

	Originally Posted by Femmebott To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	i may, but i just realized i DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO WRITE THE DAMNED ESSAY!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!!!!! but i still am kinda "eh" about writing observation essays

slightly offtopic, but that's not as bad as missing a final because the prof decided to move it.

**themuzicman** · 10-02-2009, 10:59 AM

Format for an essay:

1) Introduction, with the last sentence being your thesis
2) Paragraphs making your points. One paragraph for each point
3) Conclusion, beginning with your premise, summarizing your points, and making a general conclusion which wraps up the paper.

You need to tell use what you're saying before you say it, and then tell us what you said.

You also need paragraphs. A wandering splatter of words doesn't get you anywhere.q

Storm · 10-02-2009, 11:01 AM

Why didn't you have to write it? I never did understand observation essays. What exactly is their point?

EDIT: Looked it up, it's a story without a real plot. Read a few free ones. Look like something fun to write.

**gestalt** · 10-02-2009, 11:11 AM

I think the point is to be descriptive and compelling. Strutting your stuff. Salesmanship of personal experience. Ironically in this sort of assignment one uses a lot of adjectives adverbs and 'beauty of words' - which, in any technical field or when talking to management, gives negative points. Unspoken questions of an assignment like this: Do You Want To Be An English Major or Can You Address Complexity Of What You See, etc. Typical undergrad liberal arts warmup-those-fingers fodder.

**phej** · 10-02-2009, 11:13 AM

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why didn't you have to write it? I never did understand observation essays. What exactly is their point? EDIT: Looked it up, it's a story without a real plot. Read a few free ones. Look like something fun to write.

In my day, we called these
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. Or is that not necessarily the same thing?

Storm · 10-02-2009, 11:15 AM

I think a good observation essay probably has a point without banging you on the head with it. Assuming it's meant as an English paper and not as a scientific paper or something.

**gestalt** · 10-02-2009, 11:18 AM

I think I still have one around here somewhere, from ~5 years ago...

EDIT: Found a Final Draft. It's different from the original example posted in this thread but still very 'stream of consciousness' salesmanship (Observation Essay). A on this one. I think it sucks now but it was good for my first College English class freshman year.

( Show Spoiler )

Mellow Sam’s

Located in the far northeastern corner of Cardinal Stritch’s Serra Hall is the hideaway known as Sam’s Lounge. While anyone can use this study nook to read up on Shakespeare or relax, the close proximity to the Clare Hall means that mostly residents are going to be found within, so be forewarned…cleanup duties are, as in most colleges, relegated to whoever can’t stand the mess! Sam’s is more than just another lounge, however: it is effective at providing a comfortable environment in which most people can relax. Sam’s lounge is clearly a relaxing environment meant for all types, from the aspiring student to the social butterfly, as is seen by its physical setting, available conveniences, and interior design.

Sam’s is a superior lounge because its physical environment is soothing and relaxing for most people. Comfy throw pillows you can either fall asleep with or use as a firm support for your body and back are copiously strewn about all four couches. The pillows themselves are slightly ribbed and covered with a texture that feels like corduroy. An impression of excellence and class can be derived from the physicality of the lounge: both the quality of the fabrics used and the amount of the designer’s attention to detail are readily apparent. Another peculiar thing you may notice in Sam’s lounge is that there is only one proper table, ringed by two or three chairs. This singular table is the only one of its kind in the entire lounge, and the informal, casually private feeling it conveys seems to appeal to the more mature students and faculty when the adjacent Dining Hall is open at Stritch. The actual lighting scheme in the lounge is also very well put together. The alternative positioning and selection of glare-free base units with compact bulbs allows focused, targeted light to shine brightly without making everything in the room look bleak and ugly, unlike the standard high-powered fluorescents that plague college student’s dorm rooms everywhere. The physical quality of Sam’s is appealing, but another defining characteristic that makes Sam’s lounge comfortable is its versatility.

The ready availability of modern conveniences makes Sam’s not only a good place for all kinds of students, but handy as well. A new, clean white microwave sits atop what appears to be an oak dresser while three vending machines hum softly next to the back wall. The silent question posed by these integral parts in the life-process of the average undergraduate here at Stritch is of course: What would college life be without junk food and easy-to-make microwavable snacks? Some might say such snacks are all they eat whereas others might complain about the nutritional value of the food available at Sam’s, but at least there is something to eat if you are hungry. The lounge is also handy in that it possesses enough chairs and couches to comfortably seat either a large party of carousing students or a smaller, more focused study group. Stritch’s administration also seems to prefer the superb seating arrangement in Sam’s relatively small quarters. Furthermore, Sam’s is one of the most convenient places around to heat up a cup of coffee or a bag of popcorn since quite a few of the microwaves in the dorm hallways themselves are broken or have been misused. After you are done recognizing the multipurpose aspect of Sam’s, however, you cannot help but be drawn to some of the finer details of the lounge.

Interestingly enough, a glance at Sam’s aesthetic properties reveals that both the purposeful and inadvertent aspects of its interior design appeal to and are designed for most students. The latticework of the northern wall diffuses the natural light being let in during the early mornings and evenings, creating a peaceful, reclusive interior. The dual doorways provide easy access to and fro, and the extra chairs add a dimension of flexibility not seen in other lounges. Contemporary, avant-garde art on the walls is a bonus, looking hip and trendy, and inviting conversation and fashion discussion at the same time. Finally, the white noise that is a byproduct of vending machine operation inadvertently helps some students to focus and study, and helps others to fall asleep.

Clearly, Sam’s lounge was designed for both the serious student and the social butterfly to relax in. It is definitely one of the top lounges here on the Stritch campus, and undoubtedly will continue to provide a comfortable environment where all students can continue to grow and learn more about themselves and others in the future.

English 101
Final Draft - Paper 1
September 25, 2003

**Amphorian** · 10-02-2009, 06:39 PM

Hmmm.. first the essay doesn't appear as long as an essay should to begin with. It seems you got the paragraph and flowering/over descriptive situation addressed already by others.

It seems less observational compared to what's going on in your mind or you actually explaining something (e.g. exertion). Another thing is you repeat yourself quite a bit with certain words and sentence structures. Might want to work on that a bit as well.

09-30-2009, 06:38 AM	#1
Femmebott Veteran Member [50%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,037	English 1101 Observation Essay Enveloped in a barrage of books, papers and gum wrappers, I sit. A stoic statue, a stone, immersed in an electronic world, and willfully numb. Theoretically, I am only exercising my intuition, soaking up ideas like a sponge, thinking and thinking, accepting new information and rejecting the old. Yet the carnal world, at war with my intuitive plane of existence, jerks me violently into the pragmatic ritual of reading, typing, writing, and recalling. Work, as pure as it is, is not a meaningless action. In its purest forms, work is productive. Work builds things, changes things, reshapes and remodels. However, an idol body gives the mind an exercise it could not experience whilst in the midst of physical exertion. Exertion does not indicate exhaustion. Exertion is doing the laundry, shutting car doors, scrubbing toilets, sharpening pencils, turning pages in books, typing essays, drying dishes, wiping windows, unscrewing caps and lighting cigars. Exertion is what inhibits the intuition in its purest form. I see the correlation between the thinkers and asceticism, and the ever-doers and their carnality, sensuous and ardently seeking something to feel, taste, touch, smell. Thuds from above stifle the roll of the symphony in my mind. I arise, leg bones creaking from their disturbance, realizing new movement and joyfully fulfilling their rightful duties; walking into the living room. My roommate is a bundle of pink blankets, tangles brass hair and black socks. The other sits stiff backed, half smiling and half focused, folding towels and sharing her eyes with the television and the task. I stand, fingers numb from exposure to the cold still air in the room, the unforgiving vents huffing their Arctic blasts throughout our dorm. “What is that?” I say, knowing they don’t know. The pink fluff answers in a muffled tone, “I think its them upstairs. What do they be doing up there?” I shake my head and look to the ceiling, as if it were a secret window into which I could look and see what the fools in room 339 were really up to. “I don’t know, but I am going to file a complaint tomorrow.” I stand a few minutes, leaning on the corner of a wall, looking half interested at the television show they were watching. Someone smiling, people formally dressed and seated in a room, the camera angles indicate a reality show. I sigh. I knew what it was, and decided it was a waste of my time to watch it. Back into my foxhole I stumble; I have a wavering gait and tend to wobble every now and then due to a miniscule inner ear injury. I stretch before sitting down, and hear the bones creak again. My spine protests loudly to its return to position one. The laptop keys are now cold; I have abandoned them, and my screen has become a glazed over picture of masked entities who seem to be looking at me. I roll a finger over the touch pad and wake up Big Red. The video of the debate between Keith Richard and Rich Rodriguez is still there. I click the screen. Their voices are both flat and nervous. Debates make me nervous too, so I know how they feel. I click the screen again, halting their rambling. How can I type an essay listening to a debate? The little machines that look like R-2 D-2 mumble and groan outside my window. They always tend to snap me out of deep thought. I look at my screen again, and then I pause. I have to leave this plane, the lowest plane of existence, the feeling, hearing, smelling, and touching. I have to go where I can retrieve the thoughts that are as fleeting as loose kites, unwilling to come down unless I go up and pull them down myself. Bring the balloons down, bring them down, so that you can pop them in front of everybody and let them hear the sound of your mind… The television people are loud and are screaming for attention. Like the R-2 D-2 machines outside, they kidnap my conscience and tell me over the airwaves to listen to them, their nonsense, their lust for attention and lack of substance. The club music going on in the background is an ugly noise. It sounds like static a bit…I pause again. I can hear a male voice now, and a door shutting. I can’t make out any words. It doesn’t really matter, because they are probably not talking about anything important. They grow quiet. Big Red starts to hum, like a fan. Back on task, back to the screen and the keys, and too alert to think. I quiet the ridiculous humdrum of TV, voices, the R-2 D-2 machines, and Big Red prying forcibly into my mind. The doors are locked right now. I drift out of the lowest plane again. The panorama is just a collage of past events of the day, food, and new to do lists that never seem to get finished. Thoughts I thought I pushed away. Remembering is a pain and a privilege. “Quiet!” I yell to the noisy entities, abstract as they are, they are not powerless, especially to my mind. Once again obedience and order are restored. Once again I sit, a stoic statue, a stone immersed in an electronic world, and willfully numb.
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09-30-2009, 07:04 AM	#2
gestalt Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3,374	Notes: 1) It's IDLE not idol. 2) Carnality generally refers to sexuality. 3) What's with your 'old creaky legs'? 4) After 'sound of your mind...' - why do you make this another paragraph? 4) Your style is stream of consciousness - I assume this is for the first College writing class you've taken. I hate stream of consciousness. 5) Who is Big Red? You refer to gum wrappers in the beginning but Big Red starts to hum? Is that the name of your computer? 6) Noisy electronic entities appear to be your main focus. Critique: This paper is B- quality at a college level. I mean I 'get it' but I found your diction (word choice) distracting and inappropriate.
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09-30-2009, 07:07 AM	#3
Femmebott Veteran Member [50%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,037	So that was all you found "wrong" with it? And those sound like opinions but I will consider em Thx for reading it Femmebott added to this post, 3 minutes and 44 seconds later... Carnality generally refers to sexuality. 3) What's with your 'old creaky legs'? 4) After 'sound of your mind...' - why do you make this another paragraph? My bones creak alot I see "external" people as sexually inclined moreso than "internally focused" people The format was a bit off, I see what you're saying Big Red is my laptop To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. When I make a switch to some other topic or area of interest, I start new paragraphs; I didn't think it would flow well and ya, I am a freshman hehehe
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09-30-2009, 07:56 AM	#4
realitycheque Member [07%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 307	I agree the stream of consciousness is not appealing. Along those lines, there are a lot of Observations of yourself ("I"), rather than the outside world. It's like a twitter, a bit boring in the mundane. Try more third person. I noted a couple of interesting allusions with metaphors and interpretations of your Observations, and there should be more of these creative parts. Leave the reader with some intriguing insight from the Observations at the end, tying everything up, but not about yourself. Last edited by realitycheque; 09-30-2009 at 08:02 AM. Reason: clarity
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09-30-2009, 11:03 AM	#5
XFire35 Member [24%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 995	Where are the paragraphs?
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09-30-2009, 01:50 PM	#6
Nemesis Core Member [304%] MBTI: XXXX Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 12,196	You may be able to swing a C to B- out of this, given that you are in your first year. The one word that I would use to describe this is "grandiloquence" (look that up). Tone down the fluff and get to the point. I understand it's an "observation" essay, but try and focus on one general thing. In short, it looks like you are trying way too hard to sound smart, but not driving towards any kind of point or statement.
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09-30-2009, 02:21 PM	#7
Femmebott Veteran Member [50%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,037	No, that's how I write my essays I have always been accused of grandiloquence, but I think its simply a matter of whatever you think takes alot of effort i think there are too many details, but little "substance" but grandiloquence? nah
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09-30-2009, 06:17 PM	#9
Kisai Core Member [354%] MBTI: XXXX Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 14,171	Your style is much more suited for a poetry slam and not a for a term paper.
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09-30-2009, 06:35 PM	#10
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,688	I'm sorry, I didn't read it because it's just a block of text. You need some paragraphs. You can dismiss this if you want, but many many people stop listening/reading when doing so is a challenge due to poor formatting.
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10-01-2009, 01:33 AM	#12
deinotes Member [15%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 619	Didn't read it because it's 1 block of text, use paragraphs.
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10-01-2009, 08:25 AM	#13
Anhedonic Lake Veteran Member [61%] MBTI: INfP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,457	Too many commas and not enough paragraphs.A few semi colons would'nt have gone amiss.
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10-01-2009, 07:15 PM	#14
Femmebott Veteran Member [50%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,037	Ok. So I should: Use more of the third person, less "fluff", and have a theme, or "moral" AND PARAGRAPH BREAKS OK I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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10-01-2009, 07:17 PM	#15
mmw New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 74	Other than the formatting issues others have mentioned I would say it has a certain stylistic merit. What was the prompt exactly? It seems a bit conceptually advanced for a freshman composition class. I have to respectfully disagree with Nemesis for this type of writing I wouldn't be so concerned about a particular focus or point. However it sounds like he has a good deal of experience in upper level composition which I do not.
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10-01-2009, 08:49 PM	#16
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,688	You going to post your rewrite for us?
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10-02-2009, 10:30 AM	#17
Femmebott Veteran Member [50%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 2,037	i may, but i just realized i DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO WRITE THE DAMNED ESSAY!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!!!!! but i still am kinda "eh" about writing observation essays
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10-02-2009, 10:59 AM	#19
themuzicman Core Member [284%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 11,387	Format for an essay: 1) Introduction, with the last sentence being your thesis 2) Paragraphs making your points. One paragraph for each point 3) Conclusion, beginning with your premise, summarizing your points, and making a general conclusion which wraps up the paper. You need to tell use what you're saying before you say it, and then tell us what you said. You also need paragraphs. A wandering splatter of words doesn't get you anywhere.q
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10-02-2009, 11:01 AM	#20
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,688	Why didn't you have to write it? I never did understand observation essays. What exactly is their point? EDIT: Looked it up, it's a story without a real plot. Read a few free ones. Look like something fun to write.
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10-02-2009, 11:11 AM	#21
gestalt Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3,374	I think the point is to be descriptive and compelling. Strutting your stuff. Salesmanship of personal experience. Ironically in this sort of assignment one uses a lot of adjectives adverbs and 'beauty of words' - which, in any technical field or when talking to management, gives negative points. Unspoken questions of an assignment like this: Do You Want To Be An English Major or Can You Address Complexity Of What You See, etc. Typical undergrad liberal arts warmup-those-fingers fodder.
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10-02-2009, 11:15 AM	#23
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,688	I think a good observation essay probably has a point without banging you on the head with it. Assuming it's meant as an English paper and not as a scientific paper or something.
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10-02-2009, 11:18 AM	#24
gestalt Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3,374	I think I still have one around here somewhere, from ~5 years ago... EDIT: Found a Final Draft. It's different from the original example posted in this thread but still very 'stream of consciousness' salesmanship (Observation Essay). A on this one. I think it sucks now but it was good for my first College English class freshman year. ( Show Spoiler ) Mellow Sam’s Located in the far northeastern corner of Cardinal Stritch’s Serra Hall is the hideaway known as Sam’s Lounge. While anyone can use this study nook to read up on Shakespeare or relax, the close proximity to the Clare Hall means that mostly residents are going to be found within, so be forewarned…cleanup duties are, as in most colleges, relegated to whoever can’t stand the mess! Sam’s is more than just another lounge, however: it is effective at providing a comfortable environment in which most people can relax. Sam’s lounge is clearly a relaxing environment meant for all types, from the aspiring student to the social butterfly, as is seen by its physical setting, available conveniences, and interior design. Sam’s is a superior lounge because its physical environment is soothing and relaxing for most people. Comfy throw pillows you can either fall asleep with or use as a firm support for your body and back are copiously strewn about all four couches. The pillows themselves are slightly ribbed and covered with a texture that feels like corduroy. An impression of excellence and class can be derived from the physicality of the lounge: both the quality of the fabrics used and the amount of the designer’s attention to detail are readily apparent. Another peculiar thing you may notice in Sam’s lounge is that there is only one proper table, ringed by two or three chairs. This singular table is the only one of its kind in the entire lounge, and the informal, casually private feeling it conveys seems to appeal to the more mature students and faculty when the adjacent Dining Hall is open at Stritch. The actual lighting scheme in the lounge is also very well put together. The alternative positioning and selection of glare-free base units with compact bulbs allows focused, targeted light to shine brightly without making everything in the room look bleak and ugly, unlike the standard high-powered fluorescents that plague college student’s dorm rooms everywhere. The physical quality of Sam’s is appealing, but another defining characteristic that makes Sam’s lounge comfortable is its versatility. The ready availability of modern conveniences makes Sam’s not only a good place for all kinds of students, but handy as well. A new, clean white microwave sits atop what appears to be an oak dresser while three vending machines hum softly next to the back wall. The silent question posed by these integral parts in the life-process of the average undergraduate here at Stritch is of course: What would college life be without junk food and easy-to-make microwavable snacks? Some might say such snacks are all they eat whereas others might complain about the nutritional value of the food available at Sam’s, but at least there is something to eat if you are hungry. The lounge is also handy in that it possesses enough chairs and couches to comfortably seat either a large party of carousing students or a smaller, more focused study group. Stritch’s administration also seems to prefer the superb seating arrangement in Sam’s relatively small quarters. Furthermore, Sam’s is one of the most convenient places around to heat up a cup of coffee or a bag of popcorn since quite a few of the microwaves in the dorm hallways themselves are broken or have been misused. After you are done recognizing the multipurpose aspect of Sam’s, however, you cannot help but be drawn to some of the finer details of the lounge. Interestingly enough, a glance at Sam’s aesthetic properties reveals that both the purposeful and inadvertent aspects of its interior design appeal to and are designed for most students. The latticework of the northern wall diffuses the natural light being let in during the early mornings and evenings, creating a peaceful, reclusive interior. The dual doorways provide easy access to and fro, and the extra chairs add a dimension of flexibility not seen in other lounges. Contemporary, avant-garde art on the walls is a bonus, looking hip and trendy, and inviting conversation and fashion discussion at the same time. Finally, the white noise that is a byproduct of vending machine operation inadvertently helps some students to focus and study, and helps others to fall asleep. Clearly, Sam’s lounge was designed for both the serious student and the social butterfly to relax in. It is definitely one of the top lounges here on the Stritch campus, and undoubtedly will continue to provide a comfortable environment where all students can continue to grow and learn more about themselves and others in the future. English 101 Final Draft - Paper 1 September 25, 2003 Last edited by gestalt; 10-02-2009 at 11:43 AM.
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10-02-2009, 06:39 PM	#25
Amphorian Core Member [311%] MBTI: ISTP Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 12,457	Hmmm.. first the essay doesn't appear as long as an essay should to begin with. It seems you got the paragraph and flowering/over descriptive situation addressed already by others. It seems less observational compared to what's going on in your mind or you actually explaining something (e.g. exertion). Another thing is you repeat yourself quite a bit with certain words and sentence structures. Might want to work on that a bit as well.
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