[karenann33]

My 9 year old son is just like me. He is no doubt an INTJ. I feel for him most days because he does not fit in. He's different from all the other kids. I help him cope by reiterating his value at home. For example when he comes home in tears because his teacher yelled all day at "other" kids I give him extra hugs/attention and empathize for his bad day. When his teacher's take his good behavior for granted letting other kids instead of him go to the treasure box I respond by saying I appreciate his good behavior and I take him to Dollar Tree and let him get his own treasure. When more aggressive kids push their way to the computer to test on books for points when he has the highest reading level in the class but the lowest points (they get to spend them in a store) I take him on my own shopping for a new toy for reading so many books.

He's a good kid, not spoiled, makes straight A's, and will rarely ask me for anything so I have to offer it. I usually think back to my own childhood and think what would I have wanted my own parents to do and I do that. So far it seems to be working.

But that got me to thinking what else could I or should I be doing with an INTJ child?

[Incogneato]

I'm not sure I have any advice there, but I do the same kind of thing for both my girls, especially the ENTJ

[themuzicman]

He'll want to interact with kids that have a common goal. I find taht I interact well with people when I play sports with him. I imagine the same is true for any club that is working towards a goal.

If he has some coordination, get him onto a soccer team. If not, find an engineering or a chess club. Find something that he likes to do that has a club he can join and do things together towards a goal, and he'll develop some friendships, and, quite honestly, not care about school.

Karate might be useful, too. INTJs tend to avoid violence, but understanding its power can be beneficial.

[Incogneato]

Interesting. Neither of my girls love group/team activities generally.

[LionsPride]

Looking back on my childhood, one of the things my parents did that made things comfortable for me was taking the time to discuss the world outside the walls of our home. I wasn't told I was special or that I was faultless, but I was told the way things were. Knowing why stuff occurs is still amazingly comforting for me.

Particular conversations I remember:

• I remember suffering a great deal when two of my friends were on the outs with me. My parents talked to me about how having a group of three as your friends means that being the odd one out is more likely to happen then with two or four. They told me to have patience and that the situation would change if given a bit of time. It did.
  
• I remember the first time my teacher was wrong, my parents explained to me that being an authority figure doesn't mean they are always right and that I should be open to their comments, but if it doesn't agree with what I know I should look into it more rather than accept what they say without question. They also explained why teachers may not like being corrected and what might happen if I did, but if I wanted to correct them, there wasn't anything fundamentally wrong with that.
  
• I remember the time I told my class that we evolved from apes and was promptly told by the other students that we were had not. I was shocked that they had never heard that information before, they thought I had made it up. Prior to that I had never been ridiculed for my stance on topics. At the time I felt rather betrayed by my parents for feeding me information that they made sound like status quo, but resulted in being relentlessly teased. My parents had the "not everyone believes the same things" discussion with me after and assured me that the evolution theory was common knowledge, even if my classmates hadn't heard it before.

Anyway, all of the above are times where it was rough for me. My parents combated this with long talks and for the most part they were forthcoming with all the knowledge they had. If I asked for more information, it came. Having the knowledge in my pocket made me more confident in myself and was one of the biggest reasons I was able to avoid some of the being bullied, suppressed or otherwise that many INTJ's have found. I had a great childhood overall.

[themuzicman]

	Originally Posted by Incogneato To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Interesting. Neither of my girls love group/team activities generally.

But that may be because they don't like what the group/team is doing, or the other team participants.

[Incogneato]

@Lion'sPride- you had such cool parents, definitely what I aspire to as a parent.

@the muzicman-True. The older one is in a magnet school this year and is finally appreciating the group dynamic.

They do gravitate towards sports like swimming and tennis, which are in the group setting, but success is less determined by the group and moreso individually.

Trust me, when they were little I put them i EVERYTHING and then just let them naturally gravitate towards activities they enjoyed.
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[jndiii]

Other things to explore:

• Give him "extra hugs" even when he doesn't need the extra reward. Why? It needs to be clear that the hugs aren't out of pity. We hate being pitied. Also, he's not going to say he needs a hug every time he needs one.
• Help him find various hobbies, both artistic and intellectual. He'll automatically be good at reading, so really it's a search for things he likes to do. He needs a gentle nudge to try out new things, especially when he feels so alien at school. Eventually he will find a passion or three. With luck, one of those passions might involve having to interact with people on a regular basis.
• Teach him what you've learned about how people work, limited of course by what he's ready to hear.

[Amphorian]

I'm not sure if rewarding with toys is always a good idea. Words themselves are quite powerful and so are fun activities! Perhaps more activities (like reading together, making crafts or building things) would be more productive and less materialist approach to the praising senerio. And why not actually buy some books for reading so much? That's what I got for having the highest points for AR (I got over 100 points I read so much =DDD ) and then I got a Borders Reward card. ^_^ Books are the best thing! Experiment kits, art supplies, adventures...

Teaching him yourself about the world is the greatest gift you can give.

[Maleficent]

I don't have any children, so I have no idea how salient my advice is. But as an INTJ here are some things my parents did to help me out when it was rough (and it was often pretty rough) as a kid:

1. Praise me for my excellent academics. Also they made sure I always worked to my potential. Even though I was teased a lot for being a nerd, they always made it clear that I was doing the right thing.

2. My mother is much more social than I and forced me to do activities that I otherwise wouldn't have tried. Once I tried it, I was free to either stick with it or move to something else. But as an INTJ I was often in my own world and it was helpful to be made to try new things with other people.

3. My mother also was great at reminding me that I am not the center of the universe, and people's feelings do matter, even if I disagreed or did not feel the same. She helped me understand why I should not rationalize everything...I can't say I don't rationalize/over analyze things anymore, but I am more self aware

4. Just encourage me to be me. I think that was the best thing. They acknowledged that not going with the crowd or fitting in was tough, but that I am who I am and that is more than enough. And that as I grew older I would feel more comfortable just being me. Also that as I aged and (some) people matured I would find a few good people to be friends and I never needed more friends than I could count on one hand.

Hope some of that is helpful.

[deinotes]

Originally Posted by karenann33 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My 9 year old son is just like me. He is no doubt an INTJ. I feel for him most days because he does not fit in. He's different from all the other kids. I help him cope by reiterating his value at home. For example when he comes home in tears because his teacher yelled all day at "other" kids I give him extra hugs/attention and empathize for his bad day. When his teacher's take his good behavior for granted letting other kids instead of him go to the treasure box I respond by saying I appreciate his good behavior and I take him to Dollar Tree and let him get his own treasure. When more aggressive kids push their way to the computer to test on books for points when he has the highest reading level in the class but the lowest points (they get to spend them in a store) I take him on my own shopping for a new toy for reading so many books. He's a good kid, not spoiled, makes straight A's, and will rarely ask me for anything so I have to offer it. I usually think back to my own childhood and think what would I have wanted my own parents to do and I do that. So far it seems to be working. But that got me to thinking what else could I or should I be doing with an INTJ child?

[sarcasm]
Not giving him so much useless junk.
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[/sarcasm]
I think the best thing you can do is learn the kid as much as possible also give him interesting "toys" where you can do a lot with.

[Incogneato]

Well it's tough because some kids have a highly tuned sense of justice. As adults we can reason out that not everything is fair, etc. The classroom can be a pretty unfair place at times, like karenann points out. Have you ever been on an elementary school playground during recess. It's like Lord of The Flies out there, people. It's a bit scary at times.
Unfortunately, sometimes a kid's justice expectations are not in line with what they are developmentally able to rationalize or understand. I don't know if evening out the odds at home is the right way, but that's what I do.
I think it's more detrimental to just ignore it. ((shrugging shoulders))

[MartinH]

	Originally Posted by jndiii To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Other things to explore: Teach him what you've learned about how people work, limited of course by what he's ready to hear.

Absolutely - share the stuff you notice. When my eldest was four she had a huge tantrum after her birthday because she didn't want to say thank you to anyone for her presents, no way, no how.

When she'd calmed down we had a long talk, explaining that its no what it seems - people say they're just giving her presents for her birthday, but in real life, it's a trade - they want her to be grateful, say thank you and be nice to them. A swap if you like - her attention and thank yous in exchange for a present - and if you take without giving they'll think badly of you, as you're cheating them.

Once she understood she initially wanted to give the presents back so she wouldn't have to say thank you (she was and remains an exceptionally stubborn ESTJ), but after about three hours decided she'd thought about it and it was a pretty good deal.

Point being that *I'd* noticed it's not an altruistic gesture but an attention transaction - explaining to her made it comprehensible even at four. Grown ups do wierd stuff, fucked if I'm going to justify it to kids that happen to notice.

[karenann33]

Originally Posted by Incogneato To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well it's tough because some kids have a highly tuned sense of justice. As adults we can reason out that not everything is fair, etc. The classroom can be a pretty unfair place at times, like karenann points out. Have you ever been on an elementary school playground during recess. It's like Lord of The Flies out there, people. It's a bit scary at times. Unfortunately, sometimes a kid's justice expectations are not in line with what they are developmentally able to rationalize or understand. I don't know if evening out the odds at home is the right way, but that's what I do. I think it's more detrimental to just ignore it. ((shrugging shoulders))

Exactly. This was what I was getting at really. I must be doing something right by evening the odds out at home because he is thriving. Ignoring it or saying some cliche like "life isn't fair...get over it" seems wrong too. He's too immature to get how the world really works.

[curiousgeorge01]

Actually as a kid I just wanted freedom to explore by myself without being hampered by my parents. I would suggest surrounding him with things he's interested him and let him figure thoughts out and pass them by you. That's what I would've wanted.

[Samoan Corleone]

When I was a kid, I hated having people speak on my behalf, because they'd always get what I wanted to say wrong in the most minute ways. When you can, give your child the choice to speak for himself. Knowing that he's in control of what he articulates could make him feel good about himself.

[vern]

INTJ raising INTJ, seems simple enough, do for your child as you would want done for yourself, that is how I have tended my own issue...

[Coralaisly]

The same thing happened to me when I was little. It almost seemed like the teacher liked to make an example out of me on the rare occasion (and i mean like once every 3 or so months, and even then it was always something insignificant, like forgetting part of an answer) that I in any way acted up. I suppose that because these kids tend to be highly intelligent, or at least very well behaved, teachers find it easy to depend on that and use them as sort of a living model for the rest of the students. And I also suppose that they either don't realize they're doing this, or don't realize how difficult it is for that student to deal with feeling like they're constantly on display. Once I even had a teacher move me to a seat in the front of the class and stand behind me every time he was talking about African Americans or slavery. It made me feel like an animal in a cage with people gawking at it. It was a horrible, exposed, almost humiliating feeling, and I still don't know whether he did this consciously or not, but I will never forget how I felt during those times.

Maybe you could have a heart to heart with his (with him there, and let him say his piece if he feels you're not explaining it exactly the way he's feeling it) teacher and explain that he feels he is being made an example of, and that even though he may not show it in class, it's hard on him. If this teacher is really a good teacher, she'll take note of that and make a conscious effort to stop that. You may want to point out that since he is so intelligent and with his personality type he may see her treatment as her telling him to act out so that he can get rewarded too.

What you're doing at home is great, and keep that up, but the one thing I would add to it is to try and let him see that in a way, his teacher is complimenting him by being tougher on him because he has shown her he is capable of higher standards than the others. It's not going to make it easier to live up to those standards, but maybe he'll derive some confidence in that he is capable of more. It's not fair, but not everyone is capable of the same standards. It's tough at that age because there is so much comparrison of yourself to others around you. And he may be seeing himself as sub par because his teacher reacts more to the negative in his case than the others because she's so used to him being good that she takes it as a given that he will be and it's a shock when he's not.

Good Luck
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[JustMel]

Is home schooling an option? They have home school groups that attend workshops and field trips together just like public school.

You're doing the right things it seems but also maybe a big brother/big sister would be an option so he has someone else to talk to as well. Face we all have times where we think mom or dad says something merely because they're our parents and "have to" as opposed to the person who says the same thing and means it. Make sense?

[lhtown]

	Originally Posted by JustMel To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is home schooling an option?

I was home schooled for several years and really liked it.

Some parents might need some help with math and science classes that an intj is likely to excel in. Also, make sure you provide opportunities for enough mental stimulation in and out of the class. Some socialization (not necessarily with peers) is also important as well as physical activities.

[igeryu]

Show interest in any project, research, etc that he may do, and be open to read or be talked to about it when he offers (if at all).

Find subtle ways to draw him out of his 'shell' when he's having alone time, just to show him you care. It doesn't have to be anything special; I really liked it when, even during my recharging, my mother would come to my door (always closed) and say, "Hey do you want to go to the movies/mall/library/etc"

This also may help, from
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Originally Posted by Portrait of an INJ Child

INJ children need a good amount of time alone. They get most of their energy from within themselves and their rich imaginations, so they need adequate time alone to recharge their batteries. After a long day of school, the INJ may head to their room to spend some time alone. Respect this need of your child's, and understand that once they have spent time alone they will be ready to interact with you. Don't push them to be around yourself or others until they have spent some quality alone time. An INJ who doesn't get the chance to spend any time alone will be irritable, cranky and tired. INJs who have made up their minds about something can be quite stubborn and unwilling to compromise. When faced with an INJ who has "dug in their heels" about something, take some time to present them with clear and valid alternatives to their way of thinking. This will help the INJ to not become overly rigid, pompous and unbending in their views. Socially, pre-teen INJ's are usually fairly reserved and may be intimidated by large numbers of people. They like to watch for awhile before participating. It's best not to push the INJ to interact socially before they are ready. Allow them to watch first, and jump in when they want to. If you are a very extraverted or gregarious adult, don't expect the same behavior your INJ child. INJs usually prefer to interact with one person at a time, and enjoy having a couple of close friends rather than a number of acquaintances. As the INJ gets a bit older, he or she will probably become more social. In the meantime, understand that your child is probably uncomfortable with large groups of people, and don't make them feel guilty for that fear. If your child is afraid of walking into large social situations alone, you might arrange to walk in with your child, or have your child go to the event with a friend. Too many suggestions or feedback on a project while it is still going on may interfere with the INJ's creative energy. Much of the interest in actually doing the project comes from the INJ's drive to prove their inner visions and independence. Any "interference" from the external world will confuse the INJ, and it may cause them to doubt themselves or their idea. In any event, it will usually cause them to lose interest in the project and abandon it. It's probably best to wait until an INJ's project is finished before commenting. Talk through their ideas with them one-on-one. This will help the INJ to put their ideas into context within the external world. The INJ doesn't naturally have a high awareness of how their intensely personal visions fit into the world. Getting them into the habit of talking through their ideas while they are young will help them develop the ability to apply their ideas realistically and effectively.

[themuzicman]

An INTJ may enjoy homeschooling, and it may be good for him if you make sure to get him out into social situations, interacting with adults and other kids on a regular basis.

Often homeschool groups will meet this need, but it is something as a homeschooler you'll need to keep an eye on.

[JustMel]

	Originally Posted by themuzicman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	An INTJ may enjoy homeschooling, and it may be good for him if you make sure to get him out into social situations, interacting with adults and other kids on a regular basis. Often homeschool groups will meet this need, but it is something as a homeschooler you'll need to keep an eye on.

I concur. We actually found a really great group of homeschooling people in the weirdest of places... the local zoo. It worked to get everyone group admission and special tours and things and that extended to other outings and it was a really good experience for us and our daughter.

[saberu]

sorry to tell you this, but your child is far too young to be classified

his personality is going to change and it will be much different from yours

is this your first kid?

kids will act however you want them to act because they trust their parents guidance

homeschooling your child is playing with fire because some parents forget that social interaction is far more important than formal education

[JustMel]

	Originally Posted by saberu To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	sorry to tell you this, but your child is far too young to be classified his personality is going to change and it will be much different from yours is this your first kid? kids will act however you want them to act because they trust their parents guidance homeschooling your child is playing with fire because some parents forget that social interaction is far more important than formal education

Actually some children can be typed. Kids do not always act however you want them to act. Sorry. I've raised my share and have had several "E" personalities though I prefer the "I" as I better relate to them. Social interaction with bratty kids is not more important than formal education. It's an individual choice. Furthermore, people who spout "they have to be socialized" tend to overlook the education part entirely. Thus the reason I'm now raising a 4.5 yr old who was in daycare to be "socialized" and doesn't know her shapes, ABCs and can't count. Socialization won't help them a bit if they can't add and subtract or read.