[Antares]

So, have you missed your mod? I hope so. I was gone for three weeks at camp, and yes, I hooked up with someone. -waits for applause- More than one someone, but the others don't matter right now. Before anyone tells me that camp relationships don't last, I've already come to terms with that. The 'he' in question was attracted to me for at least a week before we actually got together; it was pretty obvious. Back then, I was with someone else. After the day we broke up (I got sick of my last one; I went along with it because I had some intellectual curiosity about being in relationships with people 8 years my senior), he invited me over to his dorm. We talked, flirted and ended up doing some physical things; next day was the same, but he confessed to me that he started the relationship knowing it wouldn't last, and that we should end it when the camp finishes. I agreed because I knew he was right. After some kissing, I asked if he wanted to go stargaze with me; he agreed, put on some outer clothing and said he needed to use the restroom before going out.

When he came out, however, he broke up with me, with a simple, "let's just end it now." I left after we shared a last embrace; once again, he was probably (or so I thought) doing what's best for us. I was devastated for the rest of the night; I didn't know I'd get so hung over about a boy I hardly knew. The next day, I tried to find out what happened, but he instead pretended that I didn't exist. For the rest of the camp, that was how it stayed. He wouldn't even look at me. I considered for a moment that he might hate me, but I've given him no reason to. We left the camp without saying another word to each other, and whenever he or I was in the room, one of us would leave. I talked to his project partner to see if he knew what was going on with him, but he seemed as confused as I was. What could he possibly be thinking? Our relationship didn't end that badly. In fact, it ended rather well, in my opinion.

For my peace of mind, I just want some insight into this fiasco. Not having some idea of what the hell happened isn't really giving me the closure I need to get over this.

[tp6626]

If he's 8 years older than you (and you're already pretty young), it's most probably that that's the reason he felt awkward. Was he a teacher / supervisor or something? It's sounding like pretty dodgy territory, to be honest Antares.
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[Antares]

	Originally Posted by tp6626 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he's 8 years older than you (and you're already pretty young), it's most probably that that's the reason he felt awkward. Was he a teacher / supervisor or something? It's sounding like pretty dodgy territory, to be honest Antares. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

No he's not. 8 years was the one I was dating before him. He's only 3 years older.

[Fanowene]

Oh, camps...

	Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	After some kissing, I asked if he wanted to go stargaze with me; he agreed, put on some outer clothing and said he needed to use the restroom before going out. When he came out, however, he broke up with me, with a simple, "let's just end it now."

Was there anybody else in the bathroom who might have told him something?
Also, bathrooms are awesome places for thinking... so he might have "come to his senses" about what he really wanted, and then made the decision...

	Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	whenever he or I was in the room, one of us would leave.

So it's not entirely his fault. You left too. Maybe you even started the ignoring cycle. I know I'm good at that, even when I try not to or don't intend to...

[Antares]

	So it's not entirely his fault. You left too. Maybe you even started the ignoring cycle. I know I'm good at that, even when I try not to or don't intend to...

I tried to seek him out once. After he blew me off, I started the ignoring. Two can play that game.

	Was there anybody else in the bathroom who might have told him something? Also, bathrooms are awesome places for thinking... so he might have "come to his senses" about what he really wanted, and then made the decision...

I think he was alone. I wouldn't know.

[Jinxu]

Maybe he realized he was gay? Got scared? Found someone else? We can't really tell you because there are many possibilities. I admit that this does sound strange. I think he should give you an explanation. Is there a way you can ask?

[Fanowene]

	Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I tried to seek him out once. After he blew me off, I started the ignoring. Two can play that game.

Why did you decide to leave the room whenever he entered? That at least would have been under your control and I don't think you can blame him for your behavior. If you had stayed, then maybe you two could have learned to get along together again (aka tolerate each other), if not anything else? I wouldn't have let him have that much control over where I went and in what room I decided to be in.

[Antares]

	Originally Posted by Fanowene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why did you decide to leave the room whenever he entered? That at least would have been under your control and I don't think you can blame him for your behavior. If you had stayed, then maybe you two could have learned to get along together again (aka tolerate each other), if not anything else? I wouldn't have let him have that much control over where I went and in what room I decided to be in.

It's more like, if I enter a room and I see him there, I leave. If I was there first, he leaves. I just couldn't stand the tension, and we were usually not alone. I was stupid for letting him have control over which room I'm in. I see that now.

[Sakari]

I'm thinking something like this:

After being physically attracted to you, he kept debating whether or not to make a move. He thought it over, telling himself that it was all right, as long as he made it clear that the relationship wouldn't last. He ignored the possible consequences, thinking mostly instead about the gratification and the positive things. After something was partially realized, however, all the possible repercussions caught up to him and he decided to get away before he got too caught up in it. Sometimes when you get something that you want, you get scared and thrust it away.

Or perhaps he realized that you were amazing and that he would be devastated once camp was over, and that it was best to break it off before he formed an emotional attachment?

[wotsamattaU]

He gave you the 'freeze out'. That's what males sometimes do when they have zero clue how to behave or face their emotions. It's a form of running away from the issue. They just don't know how to handle it, so they pretend you are not there.

Try not to take it personally - this is about him, not you. He does not hate you. You gave him no reason to.

I'd like to say they grow out of it, but alas - it's still seen in some males of a mature age.

[Maddy]

Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

...he confessed to me that he started the relationship knowing it wouldn't last, and that we should end it when the camp finishes. I agreed because I knew he was right. After some kissing, I asked if he wanted to go stargaze with me; he agreed, put on some outer clothing and said he needed to use the restroom before going out. When he came out, however, he broke up with me, with a simple, "let's just end it now." I left after we shared a last embrace; once again, he was probably (or so I thought) doing what's best for us. I was devastated for the rest of the night; I didn't know I'd get so hung over about a boy I hardly knew. The next day, I tried to find out what happened, but he instead pretended that I didn't exist. For the rest of the camp, that was how it stayed. He wouldn't even look at me. I considered for a moment that he might hate me, but I've given him no reason to. We left the camp without saying another word to each other, and whenever he or I was in the room, one of us would leave. I talked to his project partner to see if he knew what was going on with him, but he seemed as confused as I was. What could he possibly be thinking? Our relationship didn't end that badly. In fact, it ended rather well, in my opinion. For my peace of mind, I just want some insight into this fiasco. Not having some idea of what the hell happened isn't really giving me the closure I need to get over this.

it sounds to me like he was testing your reaction by suggesting the whole "let's just end it now" thing. he probably wanted to see how you felt about him before he pursued anything else with you (that, or he was looking for some other kind of validation) and when you agreed to his statement he felt shocked and disappointed. in other words, he didn't want you to agree, he wanted to know that you would care if you never saw him again.

probably went to the bathroom to absorb the blow and think for a minute about what he was about to do (ie break it off with you)

was he an SFP by any chance? that whole avoidance thing in the days that followed is waaaaay familiar...i have done things like this to people. NTJs are difficult for other types to read and it can be scary when you are getting involved with someone who you suspect doesn't care about you.

[Trill]

I was in a similar situation not too long ago. Guy meets girl, guy likes girls, guy doesn't have any interest in a relationship but figures why not (I was studying abroad for 6 weeks in Europe), guy realizes he doesn't really like girl and decides to end it. Granted I did try to maintain a friendship afterward and I thought it was going fairly well but she interpreted my sarcastic and somewhat cynical nature as a personal affront to her and decided I was an asshole. Normally it wouldn't have bothered me but seeing as to how I actually made an effort to resume some sort of normalcy I was a little irked. Needless to say the remaining 3 weeks in Europe were strenuous whenever we were around each other and generally avoided one another and didn't speak ever again.

Personally I wasn't ready for a relationship due to ongoing personal issues and I was trying to use it to take my mind off of things but that didn't work out so well. Maybe he was looking for something, found it, and decided it really wasn't for him.

[EL Gato]

He did not have the courage to take responsibility for ending the relationship. He also seems like someone who is hiding something.

[Antares]

Originally Posted by Maddy To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

it sounds to me like he was testing your reaction by suggesting the whole "let's just end it now" thing. he probably wanted to see how you felt about him before he pursued anything else with you (that, or he was looking for some other kind of validation) and when you agreed to his statement he felt shocked and disappointed. in other words, he didn't want you to agree, he wanted to know that you would care if you never saw him again. probably went to the bathroom to absorb the blow and think for a minute about what he was about to do (ie break it off with you) was he an SFP by any chance? that whole avoidance thing in the days that followed is waaaaay familiar...i have done things like this to people. NTJs are difficult for other types to read and it can be scary when you are getting involved with someone who you suspect doesn't care about you.

He seems like an NFJ, really. I suddenly got the idea that maybe he broke up with me because he didn't know how I felt about him. I think he tried to gauge how I really felt about him by saying he doesn't know how he really felt about me. I wasn't going to let him know I actually had feelings for him without some sort of confession on his part, really. When I asked if he likes me, he told me "I can't say I don't like you", and that was the closest thing he got to admitting anything. So the next day after we separated, I tried to tell him that yes, in fact, I do have feelings for you, and even though I don't usually do long distance relationships, I think you're worth a try. No. He just acted as though nothing happened and even tried to laugh it off before I even opened my mouth. About 10 minutes before we broke up, he said something to the effect of: Even though I know this camp doesn't last forever, and that I won't even remember some of the people here in a couple of years, I know I will remember you. Naturally, the break-up came as quite a shock to me. I think you might be right, actually, we really messed this up, both of us.

	Originally Posted by EL Gato To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He did not have the courage to take responsibility for ending the relationship. He also seems like someone who is hiding something.

What's funny is, when we were having a little heart-to-heart before we got together (we were quite good friends), I told him I have no emotional baggage because I frankly don't like anyone. He told me he's still a little hung over one of his past romances, at which point I told him that I couldn't get over one of my past ones either. After about 20 minutes more of this, we hooked up, which was quite weird after such a talk.

Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

He gave you the 'freeze out'. That's what males sometimes do when they have zero clue how to behave or face their emotions. It's a form of running away from the issue. They just don't know how to handle it, so they pretend you are not there. Try not to take it personally - this is about him, not you. He does not hate you. You gave him no reason to. I'd like to say they grow out of it, but alas - it's still seen in some males of a mature age.

Sigh. I hope so. I wouldn't know what to do if he does. I just wonder how he feels about me now.

Originally Posted by Sakari To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I'm thinking something like this: After being physically attracted to you, he kept debating whether or not to make a move. He thought it over, telling himself that it was all right, as long as he made it clear that the relationship wouldn't last. He ignored the possible consequences, thinking mostly instead about the gratification and the positive things. After something was partially realized, however, all the possible repercussions caught up to him and he decided to get away before he got too caught up in it. Sometimes when you get something that you want, you get scared and thrust it away. Or perhaps he realized that you were amazing and that he would be devastated once camp was over, and that it was best to break it off before he formed an emotional attachment?

Funny. He said exactly the same thing, something about the camp ending in four days and that trying to hold on to it might just end up emotionally scarring us both. I don't know about him; I felt he tried to do the right thing (minus the ignoring game), but somehow it didn't quite work the way he'd intended when he broke up with me. I still felt like shit afterwards; I'd have liked to leave the camp knowing we're still on speaking terms. We're likely to meet again for future camps. Oh boy. I really hope he'd have moved on from ignoring me to at least acknowledging that I exist, or it'd be one hell of a camp.

[wotsamattaU]

Antares it sounds as if he was developing an attachment to you but could not get a read on your feelings. He may have broke it off early because he was concerned he'd grow closer to you with each passing day, and perhaps this would be lopsided. Rather than take a harder hit (emotionally) in a few days - he decided to just do it and get it over with.

Did you ever get to express what your feelings were?

The fact that the breakup came early, taking you totally by surprise is why it is hitting you so much harder. It's one thing to expect something and prepare for it - quite another to be taken off guard. It throws your whole equilibrium off.

I wouldn't worry about future camp meetings. If there is still chemistry and interest between you, there will be ample opportunities for renewing your friendship. Perhaps by then you both will be able to handle things better; be more open and upfront with how you feel. Time has a way of taking care of a lot of these things.

Oops. Just realized my first paragraph has already been covered above.

[darynthe]

I think you shouldn't bother trying to figure him out, not worth spending your energy on that. I have had this kind of breakups with people I didn't have a friendship before the relationship and it is usually very awkward meeting afterwards, which leads to the ignoring, not knowing how to deal, etc.

By the account you give you did absolutely nothing wrong so don't obssess about it.

I mean, he didn't act nicely to you, but like an idiot. I would drop his memory him like a hot potato.

[ElstonGunn]

If I did something similar to what he did, the explanation would just be that I decided that it would be a stupid waste of time to get involved in any relationship that I knew wouldn't last before we started it. The reason for his switch in behavior could just be that he was very attracted to you, so his short term desires got the better of him. His bathroom break gave him a chance to pause for a minute and think about it, during which time he convinced himself that it would be pointless to continue.

Despite what you may have heard, there are a couple of men in the world who aren't automatically interested in adding notches to their bedposts.

[EL Gato]

Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

He seems like an NFJ, really. I suddenly got the idea that maybe he broke up with me because he didn't know how I felt about him. I think he tried to gauge how I really felt about him by saying he doesn't know how he really felt about me. I wasn't going to let him know I actually had feelings for him without some sort of confession on his part, really. When I asked if he likes me, he told me "I can't say I don't like you", and that was the closest thing he got to admitting anything ... actually, we really messed this up, both of us.

That's right. That was quite a tangled dance, nobody daring to make the first step.





EL Gato added to this post, 4 minutes and 3 seconds later...

Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

What's funny is, when we were having a little heart-to-heart before we got together (we were quite good friends), I told him I have no emotional baggage because I frankly don't like anyone. He told me he's still a little hung over one of his past romances, at which point I told him that I couldn't get over one of my past ones either. After about 20 minutes more of this, we hooked up, which was quite weird after such a talk.

I've made it my life struggle to make sure that I speak authentically. Before speaking, ask yourself, do I really mean what I say? The more you do it, the more natural it becomes. An old religious adage says: "The truth will set you free". Free of totally unecessary confusion.





EL Gato added to this post, 20 minutes and 7 seconds later...

Then there is the issue of avoidance. He really did not deal with you with honesty. I think the enshrining of our personal "feel good" state as ruler of our behavior has got us into becoming a generation of narcissists. By that I mean that what I feel is more important than how I made you feel, and in the end they are really less important than higher values such as sincerity and authenticity.

I don't mean this in a self righteous way though. I have done plenty of it myself. Do I withhold for fear of becoming vulnerable and being hurt? Do I dare to become vulnerable? (and indeed get hurt) I think it is a hard choice, but it is only the second choice that opens your eyes to the truth. Here is where self confidence is necessary.

[Maddy]

	Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	...I wasn't going to let him know I actually had feelings for him without some sort of confession on his part, really.

WHY?

i don't think i'll ever understand NTJs
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[Vagrant]

Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

So, have you missed your mod? I hope so. I was gone for three weeks at camp, and yes, I hooked up with someone. -waits for applause- More than one someone, but the others don't matter right now. Before anyone tells me that camp relationships don't last, I've already come to terms with that. The 'he' in question was attracted to me for at least a week before we actually got together; it was pretty obvious. Back then, I was with someone else. After the day we broke up (I got sick of my last one; I went along with it because I had some intellectual curiosity about being in relationships with people 8 years my senior), he invited me over to his dorm. We talked, flirted and ended up doing some physical things; next day was the same, but he confessed to me that he started the relationship knowing it wouldn't last, and that we should end it when the camp finishes. I agreed because I knew he was right. After some kissing, I asked if he wanted to go stargaze with me; he agreed, put on some outer clothing and said he needed to use the restroom before going out. When he came out, however, he broke up with me, with a simple, "let's just end it now." I left after we shared a last embrace; once again, he was probably (or so I thought) doing what's best for us. I was devastated for the rest of the night; I didn't know I'd get so hung over about a boy I hardly knew. The next day, I tried to find out what happened, but he instead pretended that I didn't exist. For the rest of the camp, that was how it stayed. He wouldn't even look at me. I considered for a moment that he might hate me, but I've given him no reason to. We left the camp without saying another word to each other, and whenever he or I was in the room, one of us would leave. I talked to his project partner to see if he knew what was going on with him, but he seemed as confused as I was. What could he possibly be thinking? Our relationship didn't end that badly. In fact, it ended rather well, in my opinion. For my peace of mind, I just want some insight into this fiasco. Not having some idea of what the hell happened isn't really giving me the closure I need to get over this.

Because he probably had a similar emotional reaction as you -- and the sight of you brought these memories to the forefront of his mind. If your eye causes you to sin, cut it out -- thus he ignored you.

You've done nothing wrong. It is a technique both men and women employ to forget others who left an impact on them.

	WHY? i don't think i'll ever understand NTJs To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Because we don't know other people.
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Since we never know if we're actually reading people right, we'll hesitate a lot in relationships about speaking about feelings and such, as we're pretty vulnerable in that department.

[Antares]

	Originally Posted by EL Gato To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I've made it my life struggle to make sure that I speak authentically. Before speaking, ask yourself, do I really mean what I say? The more you do it, the more natural it becomes. An old religious adage says: "The truth will set you free". Free of totally unecessary confusion.

I thought I could dismiss my attraction to him as casual interest; in a camp like that, it's easy to be simultaneously interested in dating several people. It felt like the truth when I said it. The relationship I couldn't get over was, to me, not an emotional baggage because it happened so long ago. I can't help but regret some of the things that happened, but it doesn't affect me now.

	I don't mean this in a self righteous way though. I have done plenty of it myself. Do I withhold for fear of becoming vulnerable and being hurt? Do I dare to become vulnerable? (and indeed get hurt) I think it is a hard choice, but it is only the second choice that opens your eyes to the truth. Here is where self confidence is necessary.

I think he was thinking along the same lines himself, if he had ever wanted a real relationship with me. I missed so much because I held it all in. I was never rejected, yes, but none of my relationships were meaningful because I did not have the heart to confess to those I truly was attracted to.

	Originally Posted by Vagrant To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Because he probably had a similar emotional reaction as you -- and the sight of you brought these memories to the forefront of his mind. If your eye causes you to sin, cut it out -- thus he ignored you. You've done nothing wrong. It is a technique both men and women employ to forget others who left an impact on them.

I hope so. I need to get over him; one would think it would be easy; I can't really forgive him for the way he's treated me. Thanks for your advice, everyone.