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Old 07-07-2009, 03:37 AM   #1
smashy
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3 weeks ago I went to spend a weekend near the beach with my fiancé and another couple. That couple the guy is my fiancé's colleague and his girlfriend. We have been going out together for about a year, sometimes having dinner at their place, sometimes they came and have dinner at ours. I liked them but I never really felt that they liked me very much. I know they adore my fiancé and listen to what he says and very often I just felt that they didn't want to hear much what I had to say as well, or paid much attention, they were just nice because I am his fiancée. I always felt that for them if I wasn't there and it was only the 3 of
them, they wouldn't notice the difference. I think they're a bit snob as well, and I hate snob people.

Well, the weekend started ok, but has time passed I started to be really annoyed by them. It seemed that more than 80% of the things I was saying they didn't reply or even aknowledged I was talking. Then a few seconds after my fiancé would say exactly the same thing and they would laught out loud/respond to him. I started to feel really bad and started to direction only to my fiancé or don't speak at all. I also started to be more myself, because all the time around them I never felt at ease and it seems you always have to be carefull with what you say and etc. They date for years and even between them they're quite formal. I started to be myself and be honest responding to things like: "is the wine ok"? I thought it was acid so I said it, and they were shocked because it was the guy that choosed the wine. MY GOD, I was not criticising the guy, I was just saying it was acid for me.

Well, of course they started to detest me. It seemed like while I was the nice and quiet girl and they could just interact with my fiancé 99% of the time, everything was fine, but when I started to be myself and speak and ask for things, etc, they just slamed the door for good at my face. Of course I stoped speaking to them completely because I was really fed up and I have no patience to pretend to be nice to people I want to never see again.

Well, this is all not to ask advice to you guys but to ask if you have this kind of situations in your life as well and how you deal with it? I don't know if it has to do with being an INTJ either?!
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Old 07-07-2009, 06:43 AM   #2
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Be your true self. Majority of people can not understand INTJ's. So forget being understood or liked. If it wasn't true, we would not be here.

But while being yourself, show respect to other people (not necessarily to their thoughts of course) and water down your thoughts according to the situation. It may be too harsh for other types and you can end up as "arrogant".

And your fiance should be on your side at all times of course. You are on the same team. Remind him if he forgets.
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Old 07-07-2009, 07:11 AM   #3
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I dont think it is an INTJ thing, alot of people have issues and are arogant etc, too many are.. and your fiancee wont care whether u like them or not either. If I was being ignored I would be nasty back and stand up for myself, Id probably make an excuse to leave and see my real friends!
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Old 07-08-2009, 06:20 AM   #4
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When I meet people like that my best friend always says "Do you, and piss on those people." I think that is good advice and I follow it. Yeah, be yourself and yeah it happens to everyone once in a while.
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Old 07-08-2009, 02:40 PM   #5
Baccara
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  Originally Posted by smashy
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Well, this is all not to ask advice to you guys but to ask if you have this kind of situations in your life as well and how you deal with it? I don't know if it has to do with being an INTJ either?!

From my experience, situations like that probably arise from cycles of misunderstanding; for instance, because you kept quiet, assuming the couple in question were snubbing you, the couple may have assumed you were snubbing them and just tried to avoid provoking you. In my case, I probably would have come out and confronted them about it---tactfully, choosing words carefully---in the way I might post a baffling question here. Problems never get solved by pretending there is no problem, so I don't think there would be much wrong asking honestly, "I'm sorry; have I caused offense in some way?" and letting things unfold from there.

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Old 07-08-2009, 03:09 PM   #6
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  Originally Posted by doctoroetker
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Be your true self. Majority of people can not understand INTJ's. So forget being understood or liked.

I 100% agree. It is difficult to be part of any minority group, just being N makes you minority, as about 75% of people are S, and N and S are said to often be conflicting personality types. I'm sure you and your fiance can find a couple that you are both able to comfortably be around.

Best of luck finding people
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Old 07-08-2009, 04:29 PM   #7
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I probably would stop going out and just be polite if they happen to be around. What does your fiance think? Does he support you not wanting to go out with them? Does he insist you go with him?
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Old 07-08-2009, 05:04 PM   #8
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I found that typically people tend to react this way when you were rude to someone unwittingly. They don't want to say outright what you did that offended them, but sort of look the other way, when someone does something inappropriate.

Perhaps you offended them somehow. You can always talk to your fiancé and see what he says.
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Old 07-09-2009, 12:50 PM   #9
smashy
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  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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I probably would stop going out and just be polite if they happen to be around. What does your fiance think? Does he support you not wanting to go out with them? Does he insist you go with him?

No, he doesn't insist and he understands I don't like them, but of course I know that he misses our 4 being together.





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  Originally Posted by rain
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I found that typically people tend to react this way when you were rude to someone unwittingly. They don't want to say outright what you did that offended them, but sort of look the other way, when someone does something inappropriate.

Perhaps you offended them somehow. You can always talk to your fiancé and see what he says.

Well, since the beginning I always felt like they never cared much about me, it was not only from that weekend. It was like they always hear my fiancé but never cared much to know me. I always "felt" that because of my strong N. And at that weekend I just noticed that even more. I didn't do anything to offend them, I think they never really were that much interested. And why should I spend my time with people that are not interested in knowing me more or even listen to what I say?!





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  Originally Posted by Baccara
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From my experience, situations like that probably arise from cycles of misunderstanding; for instance, because you kept quiet, assuming the couple in question were snubbing you, the couple may have assumed you were snubbing them and just tried to avoid provoking you. In my case, I probably would have come out and confronted them about it---tactfully, choosing words carefully---in the way I might post a baffling question here. Problems never get solved by pretending there is no problem, so I don't think there would be much wrong asking honestly, "I'm sorry; have I caused offense in some way?" and letting things unfold from there.

When that weekend started, I was not quiet. Actually, I was very excited with going out and was very talkative to everyone. I started to be quiet when they started to ignore me. I remember we were eating breakfast at the hotel and my fiancé left to take a shower and I continued there with them and they continued talking only with each other, like it doesn't matter if I'm there, because the person they like and are interested just left. I kept trying to speak to them and make conversation, but they didn't reply me the same interested way they speak to my fiancé. So, I started to withdraw and I didn´t bother to ask honestly what's hapenning because I usually am not honest to people that are rude to me, I just don't care anymore.

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Old 07-09-2009, 01:02 PM   #10
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I would excuse myself from going out with them if I were that uncomfortable. When I was married to my ex and my husband to his ex we all went out as a foursome on a fairly regular basis for a while. I couldn't stand his ex at all in HS and it didn't improve as we got older. I've always thought she was white trash and a waste of oxygen. Finally I'd had enough of dealing with her whining so I stopped going out with them. My ex still went out with them to dinner and movies I just didn't go.

I still don't like her to this day. When she sees the two of us together she will roll her eyes and in the beginning she always swore we wouldn't last 6 months. I don't have to be mean to her, she's living with her sister sleeping on a mattress in the den floor, dating a bouncer at a strip club who runs drugs and makes her deliver for him while he's having sex with some of the girls at the club. Karma bit her on the ass for me.

Be yourself and don't let snobby people get you down. Simply opt out of the situation. Eventually, one of them will probably ask why you don't attend or make some comment at which time you can explain that you prefer to spend time with people who are respectful of other's ideas and thoughts and appreciate being around people who actually listen to contributors of conversations.
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Old 07-09-2009, 02:48 PM   #11
paulg1
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  Originally Posted by smashy
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It seemed that more than 80% of the things I was saying they didn't reply or even aknowledged I was talking. Then a few seconds after my fiancé would say exactly the same thing and they would laught out loud/respond to him.
.....
I started to be myself and be honest responding to things like: "is the wine ok"? I thought it was acid so I said it, and they were shocked because it was the guy that choosed the wine. MY GOD, I was not criticising the guy, I was just saying it was acid for me.

For the first part of the quote, I KNOW, the same thing happens to me on occasion. It drives me crazy in the worst way. Every once in a while, I'll snap and go on a mini-rant (something like "Are all of you collectively slow or am I just in a different time zone where something has to be repeated twice by two different people before you have time to comprehend and laugh at the joke". If anyone can explain why this happens, I'd be indebted to you.

For the second part, I read in a psychology magazine that snobs are not necessarily rich or high class but have two main traits:

A) They geniunely believe they are better than other people

B) They are unsually sensitive to criticism and rejection.

So I think the wine reaction as because of reason B, and the ignoring part would be that they formed an opinion that they are a higher status than you, while I'm sure you are more intelligent than them.

Unfortunately, I fit so snugly into those two traits, that I'm trying to be open minded and not think of statuses anymore, but it's a work in progress.

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Old 07-09-2009, 08:23 PM   #12
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  Originally Posted by smashy
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No, he doesn't insist and he understands I don't like them, but of course I know that he misses our 4 being together.

Well I'm glad he understands at least, it's important that he's supportive that these are his friends not yours. Given you haven't done anything wrong, I don't think it's wrong for you not to go. He may miss it but at least there's no bitter feelings.

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Old 07-10-2009, 07:50 AM   #13
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Actually, I was speaking with my fiance about this situation yesterday and he was saying that what happened with me made him realise that he finds his friend to be different when he's just with him and when his girlfriend is around. She's VERY snob and he kinda changes his behaviour around her to fit her, because when he's with my fiance he's much more down to hearth.

Well, my fiance told me he didn't like the way they treated me and he's only interested in continue his relationship with his friend, and not us 4 (or them 3) being together again because he also doesn't feel much at ease with them together. I'm happy with that and I also don't want to be friends with a couple like that.
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Old 07-11-2009, 06:16 AM   #14
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  Originally Posted by smashy
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Actually, I was speaking with my fiance about this situation yesterday and he was saying that what happened with me made him realize that he finds his friend to be different when he's just with him and when his girlfriend is around. She's VERY snob and he kinda changes his behavior around her to fit her, because when he's with my fiance he's much more down to hearth.

Well, my fiance told me he didn't like the way they treated me and he's only interested in continue his relationship with his friend, and not us 4 (or them 3) being together again because he also doesn't feel much at ease with them together. I'm happy with that and I also don't want to be friends with a couple like that.

Wow that men is a wimp and probably she wears the pants at home
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.
Have you ever been alone with that friend, because i bet he will treat you normally i think only the girlfriend is a problem.
If this is not the case and the friend of your friend also hate you guts move on otherwise talk with the friend of your friend and confront him.
She has some kind of grudge against you for some reason.

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Old 07-11-2009, 06:54 AM   #15
LaoTzu
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Women are catty. Men measure their ****'s. It's human nature.
Realizing it, you are free from it; but that doesn't mean everyone else is at the same realization as you.

There are a number of dynamics at work in a foursome... the men measuring against each other, the women doing the same. The relationships being measured against the other. The lives led against each other..... everyone is seeking some type of validation on all these aspects. And talking up everything, except what they really want to know... "How am I viewed?" Of course it's frustrating.

I think it is likely that you're inner discomfort and anger was noticeable on the outside. I've no doubt you make efforts to be friendly, but people don't see effort; they just see what they see.

You should go out alone with that Beeyotch some day, and maybe you will figure out WHY she's a beeyotch
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Perhaps she needs a friend.

 

Last edited by LaoTzu; 07-11-2009 at 07:56 AM.
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Old 07-11-2009, 07:48 AM   #16
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  Originally Posted by Baccara
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From my experience, situations like that probably arise from cycles of misunderstanding; for instance, because you kept quiet, assuming the couple in question were snubbing you, the couple may have assumed you were snubbing them and just tried to avoid provoking you.

  Originally Posted by rain
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I found that typically people tend to react this way when you were rude to someone unwittingly. They don't want to say outright what you did that offended them, but sort of look the other way, when someone does something inappropriate.

Perhaps you offended them somehow. You can always talk to your fiancé and see what he says.

These are extremely likely possibilities; remember everyone's insecure about something. They were probably approximately as interested (or more) in talking to you as you were to them and then got confused/frustrated and the situation just spiraled out from there.

You should certainly do as everyone is suggesting and be yourself (and devil may care what others think), but if this type of miscommunication is a common issue for you I would look at why you might be getting misinterpreted. Try smiling a bit, you'd be amazed at how that will disarm people and make them feel at ease... and if you feel as though you're being ignored or misinterpreted, bring it up in a lighthearted manner. When I make a salient point or a joke that appears to be ignored I'll usually say something to the effect of "Aw, come on guys, that was AWESOME!" and that will always either get a laugh or an "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. Could you repeat?"

Have confidence that people will like you and, understanding that they nearly never have that same confidence, be kind. Such is the ENFP way... and we get along with *everyone.*
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Old 07-11-2009, 09:02 AM   #17
reb
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smashy,

i have experienced this kind of thing most of my life; if it's any comfort to you, eventually, you won't be bothered. you will simply write people off who do not understand, and go about your own business.

time to do 'selfwork', i think. being upset or being angry will not change what you are experiencing. it only 'brings you down'. you are what you are; if people don't like that, screw the bastards.
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Old 07-11-2009, 11:11 AM   #18
smashy
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  Originally Posted by Kamnak
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These are extremely likely possibilities; remember everyone's insecure about something. They were probably approximately as interested (or more) in talking to you as you were to them and then got confused/frustrated and the situation just spiraled out from there.

You should certainly do as everyone is suggesting and be yourself (and devil may care what others think), but if this type of miscommunication is a common issue for you I would look at why you might be getting misinterpreted. Try smiling a bit, you'd be amazed at how that will disarm people and make them feel at ease... and if you feel as though you're being ignored or misinterpreted, bring it up in a lighthearted manner. When I make a salient point or a joke that appears to be ignored I'll usually say something to the effect of "Aw, come on guys, that was AWESOME!" and that will always either get a laugh or an "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. Could you repeat?"

Have confidence that people will like you and, understanding that they nearly never have that same confidence, be kind. Such is the ENFP way... and we get along with *everyone.*
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Thanks for your ENFP input, but actually I'm going more on the direction that reb pointed after you: "you will simply write people off who do not understand, and go about your own business."

If I get ignored over and over again, I just withdraw and go somewhere else, I don't even bother to say anything because there are so many other people interesting in the world and I don't like to lose my time. And no, this type of things don't happen often with me, usually I get along well with people. It's curious because my fiancé also has other colleagues that I get along really well and his friend don't get along much with them as well. I guess in this situation it's just a case of there's no empathy.

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Old 07-11-2009, 12:23 PM   #19
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  Originally Posted by smashy
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Well, of course they started to detest me. It seemed like while I was the nice and quiet girl and they could just interact with my fiancé 99% of the time, everything was fine, but when I started to be myself and speak and ask for things, etc, they just slamed the door for good at my face. Of course I stoped speaking to them completely because I was really fed up and I have no patience to pretend to be nice to people I want to never see again.

Well, this is all not to ask advice to you guys but to ask if you have this kind of situations in your life as well and how you deal with it? I don't know if it has to do with being an INTJ either?!

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you, because I'm assuming that these are close friends of your fiance over some period of time or you wouldn't have been on a vacation with them, right? Obviously, I don't know much about the situation, but I'm wondering if part of what has happened is that he has a longer, deeper relationship with the other couple than you do, and because you lack the same length of shared history with them, the 3 of them are better friends at this point than you are with the other couple, and so that may make it hard. Perhaps this is even more so because you feel somewhat shut out something significant in your fiance's life? I could be totally off base, but maybe something there fits. It does seem like to me they would not have been willing to go on vacation with you if they only like your fiance - that's a pretty big relationship step among friends.

Somewhat unfortunately, when you get engaged and married, you often have to consider the other person's needs and feelings equal to your own - I don't think you want to put him in a place of having to choose you or his friends. Have you talked to your fiance about feeling left out in the group? Perhaps he could make more efforts to include you in conversation. Another thing you could do is try and build a relationship with the female - ask her to do something with you outside of the couple. A last resort would be to let him associate with them without you, but again, that's kind of making him choose. Maybe you are right and they just aren't nice people, but if that is true, why does they guy you love like them so much?

The wine thing - I don't blame them for being offended and angry. Sometimes questions like "is the wine okay" are asked for the sake of politeness and a need for reassurance that you were comfortable with the choice, not because they want an honest answer. Is it fair? No, but it's a normal social interaction. Especially when people are just building a relationship, there are a great deal of positive feedback interactions that help shore things up and solidify the friendship. So to not give that when it's asked for, and in fact to insult his choice, was kind of impolite. If you want to repair it, you could ask them out an apologize, or send a note.

I see above that you are talking about just moving on, which is fine - sometimes you have to do that. But I do think sometimes it's worth considering other people's point of view instead of just writing them off, particularly if it affects your future spouse. Just a thought.

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Old 07-11-2009, 01:03 PM   #20
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  Originally Posted by fiver
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This sounds like a really difficult situation for you, because I'm assuming that these are close friends of your fiance over some period of time or you wouldn't have been on a vacation with them, right? Obviously, I don't know much about the situation, but I'm wondering if part of what has happened is that he has a longer, deeper relationship with the other couple than you do, and because you lack the same length of shared history with them, the 3 of them are better friends at this point than you are with the other couple, and so that may make it hard.

No, this is not true. He's not a close friend to the couple neither to his friend's girlfriend. And he's only friend with him for less than 1 year. Also, when my fiancé started to get together with them two, I was there as well.

I guess you're right in one thing: my fiancé is not that close with the couple and we shouldn't have gone on holidays with them now.

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Old 07-11-2009, 03:26 PM   #21
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Holidays away with anyone - even close friends - have always been hard for me. If the relationship is not that important to either one of you, then oh yeah, I'd be done.
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