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Signs that an ENFP likes you... intj and enfp, relationship advice
Old 06-14-2009, 06:18 PM   #1
roger helghan
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How can you be sure an ENFP is (romantically) interested and not just being a typical, social ENFP?
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Old 06-14-2009, 06:32 PM   #2
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You ask them for a date. If they say yes, they like you. Simple.
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Old 06-14-2009, 08:45 PM   #3
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If they don't flake on you after saying yes, then they like you. Simple.
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Old 06-14-2009, 11:16 PM   #4
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What Synamon said. From my experience there are no signs so its best to just ask them out.
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Old 06-15-2009, 01:38 AM   #5
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Romantically interested? That's a hard one. So many people mistake an ENFP that I know for being romantically interested when she is just being socially friendly.

I agree with the other posters, if you ask and they respond, you're good to go. If you ask and they aren't interested, they will either nonchalantly say no or manage to sidestep the conversation rather adeptly.
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Old 06-15-2009, 01:57 AM   #6
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  Originally Posted by Synamon
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You ask them for a date. If they say yes, they like you. Simple.


Ooo very good. Remember when after seting a date w an enfp girl or p girl in general. Assume they will flake and have a back up plan. I try to have 2 dates per datenight just in case and so I can flake. Nothing makes a girl like u more then when you flake on her!

Signs:

We touch your leg.
Touch your sholder
Give you complements, ask for complements
Open up and tell something personal
Keep eye contact.
Fidget with hair, sholder and top of hand.
We shut up when u talk.
We stalk you, at the party
We may call a lot
Girls may buy you a drink
We sit close to you and lean in
Smell their breath, when women get arroused often you can smell it

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Old 06-15-2009, 11:37 PM   #7
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My problem at the moment is an ENFP that won't go away after we broke up. Everything is drama, every email hinting/hoping we'll get back together. Yet, she won't let up despite my tepid, matter-of-fact responses.

I don't have the heart to just cut her off, and frankly, I love the "friendship" elements of our relationship, but, well, it's complicated....
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Old 06-16-2009, 04:07 AM   #8
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  Originally Posted by LionsPride
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Romantically interested? That's a hard one. So many people mistake an ENFP that I know for being romantically interested when she is just being socially friendly.

Tell me about it. Especially when they're like "aww, I love you!" Is that platonic love or are you "in love"?

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Old 06-16-2009, 05:54 AM   #9
roger helghan
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I've been thinking about telling the ENFP in question, "You say "I love you" so many times, to so many people, it has no real meaning to me"
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Old 06-16-2009, 05:58 AM   #10
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Out of curiousity, Mr. Helgan, how long have you known this ENFP, how far into your knowing of them did they tell you the three words, and how frequently is it said to you now?
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Old 06-16-2009, 06:06 AM   #11
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overall, about 2 years. She first said it a couple months ago. Whats different about most times she says it, she'll stare at me when she doesn't think Im looking or when I do something nice or out of character just for her, she'll say at.
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Old 06-16-2009, 06:15 AM   #12
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That's interesting. There's one who just told me last week via email for the first time and I've known her for about a year. I don't know how many platonic friends she says it to (girls and boys) but we were talking about our past relationships sometime last year and she asked if I've ever said ILY to any of my exes. I told her only one, to which she replied she'd only said it to one guy as well, so the words obviously have significance to her.

I'm no expert on the ENFP, we both need some help from an actual ENFP to explain our similar situations, and no being bound to the ENFP code of misleading that we know they're all sworn to.

EDIT: In other words, no sparing of feelings. *crosses fingers and hopes for the best*
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Old 06-16-2009, 07:32 AM   #13
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  Originally Posted by spy4001
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Ooo very good. Remember when after seting a date w an enfp girl or p girl in general. Assume they will flake and have a back up plan. I try to have 2 dates per datenight just in case and so I can flake. Nothing makes a girl like u more then when you flake on her!

Wow. I'm sure that this is true for all (P)women. I'll start flaking on them right away. /sarcasm

The best advice, I think would be to ask them, or read them if you're confident that you can do that well.

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Old 06-16-2009, 07:58 AM   #14
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Yes, enfp's are tricky. It's even worse when you're dating one and you can't tell whether she's just entertaining other guys or seriously flirting with them.
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Old 06-16-2009, 09:06 AM   #15
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yeah, they'll flake.

and being an intj, you may take it personally and decide to never acknowledge them again. c'est la vie!

It's what happened to me, anyway. @_@
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Old 06-16-2009, 10:35 PM   #16
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  Originally Posted by roger helghan
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overall, about 2 years. She first said it a couple months ago. Whats different about most times she says it, she'll stare at me when she doesn't think Im looking or when I do something nice or out of character just for her, she'll say at.

What I've found with ENFPs is that their conversational style is extremely layered and nuanced. It's difficult for a "matter-of-fact" INTJ to understand and often leads to a lot of communication problems. Body language, emphasis, etc. add a whole other dimension to what they're saying (almost like a second language).

I think they enjoy, and are masters of this subtle language, and women in general are better at it than men.

It was a common scenario with the aforementioned girl where she would say something and I would totally misjudge the emphasis or seriousness she was trying to convey. I think, however, that if you can work out these communication issues that it can be a positive and learning experience.

The ENFP I was dating was extremely extroverted. She could go to a party and leave having made ten new friends. It was crazy and dizzying for me to see.

We went to a party once and were chatting it up with couple people there. By the end of the night, one guy says, "Hey, I own a boat and we're going to do a little bay tour tomorrow. Why don't you come along?" That's dizzying to me. You meet a person one night and the next day you're all going for a boat tour on his private boat? Things never move that fast with personal encounters in my world, but for her, it was just another day.

She would often make nonsensical relationships between people and situations. Like "You remember Susan? Well, it turns out while I was teaching in xyz a few years ago, she was skiing at the resort only two miles away that winter!" I was thinking, so what? Coincidence? A point of conversation maybe? After more probing, she completely realized it was a nonsensical relation and relatively insubstantial, just an amusing part of life's adventures. But where I pretty much dismiss such things, for the most part as coincidence, she seizes on them as an amusing start to a potential friendship.

She's off in Thailand right now and she sends me emails. She tells me how she made friends with some locals and they're doing yoga and spiritual dances in the park, one day, then was invited to a private lecture the next day from some person she met the week before.

And after all that, she says, "I feel like I've only skimmed the surface of the culture here", whereas if it were me, I'd probably hit the museums and never really explore the human relationships like she does.

LOL. She's like a force of nature.

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Old 06-16-2009, 11:14 PM   #17
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  Originally Posted by Soobpar
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Yes, enfp's are tricky. It's even worse when you're dating one and you can't tell whether she's just entertaining other guys or seriously flirting with them.

I'd like to think that a mature and self aware ENFP would have boundaries or at least be aware of what does and does not lead people on in the direct romantic sense...

On a personal level, I find being an attentive conversationalist is merely being polite and do my darnedest to keep things flowing and interesting. Hardly flirting and I don't get why people would take interest as anything more.

However, to me, banter's the most fun and what I consider flirtatious... stimulating, exciting, and borderline teasing. If I'm not interested, I don't take the bait and have fun with it.

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Old 06-16-2009, 11:45 PM   #18
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  Originally Posted by lark
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I'd like to think that a mature and self aware ENFP would have boundaries or at least be aware of what does and does not lead people on in the direct romantic sense...

On a personal level, I find being an attentive conversationalist is merely being polite and do my darnedest to keep things flowing and interesting. Hardly flirting and I don't get why people would take interest as anything more.

However, to me, banter's the most fun and what I consider flirtatious... stimulating, exciting, and borderline teasing. If I'm not interested, I don't take the bait and have fun with it.

INTJs, being not as practiced and proficient often fail in this regard. I present myself as a PRIME example.

One description of INTJs says this:

"This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship)."


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Personally, when I go on a first date, I prefer to be "doing something", even something simple like a game of mini golf. Something we can talk around. But direct, face to face conversation is always challenging.

In personality tests, I rate as being on the border of I and E (introverted versus extroverted). I can sometimes turn on the charm, find a sort of rhythm where the conversation just seems to go perpetually. Yet, it's often a challenge and usually feels awkward.

When those "magic moments" happen for me, though, it's usually money in the bank (if you catch my meaning).

Do I come right out and tell her I think she's hot? Maybe too forward. Do I hold back and let her make the first move? Oops, she lost interest.

I don't have a good sense of the gray area in between the two extremes.

And all the while I'm thinking "I wish I could just be myself", feel comfortable, feel relaxed.

LOL honestly, I think I've worked so hard to develop my extrovert side because the girl across the table from me just looked so damn good. :-)

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Old 06-17-2009, 12:35 AM   #19
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  Originally Posted by jcasetnl
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INTJs, being not as practiced and proficient often fail in this regard. I present myself as a PRIME example.

One description of INTJs says this:

"This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship)."


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Personally, when I go on a first date, I prefer to be "doing something", even something simple like a game of mini golf. Something we can talk around. But direct, face to face conversation is always challenging.

In personality tests, I rate as being on the border of I and E (introverted versus extroverted). I can sometimes turn on the charm, find a sort of rhythm where the conversation just seems to go perpetually. Yet, it's often a challenge and usually feels awkward.

When those "magic moments" happen for me, though, it's usually money in the bank (if you catch my meaning).

Do I come right out and tell her I think she's hot? Maybe too forward. Do I hold back and let her make the first move? Oops, she lost interest.

I don't have a good sense of the gray area in between the two extremes.

And all the while I'm thinking "I wish I could just be myself", feel comfortable, feel relaxed.

LOL honestly, I think I've worked so hard to develop my extrovert side because the girl across the table from me just looked so damn good. :-)



Heh, I was once told by an INTJ that banter was pointless. :P

However, I'd like to stress that the point of 'flirting' isn't to have a productive conversation or even a conversation of philisophical/psychological/whatever substance. It's not there to analyze the roots of human nature and all those fun things you all like to dwell on... to which the reply I usually get is "well, then what's the point?" and a blank stare.

... well, the point of flirting is to get a sense of a how quick a person's mind is (if they can keep up) and their sense of humor. For a girl, humor's pretty much what keeps us around. Banter could come in the form of quick back and forth yet good humored argument (which you guys are actually really good at... when you feel like it.)

and, of course, the basic teasing.
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By the way, for some reason I find INTJs really interesting and your works kinda sorta really endearing to the extent that I will laugh and tease... that's flirting. You can usually tell 'cuz we light up and get really smiley, put our feet in our mouths, and might actually stop talking for a period of time in amusement... or shock.
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(this you might construe as awkward silence... however, if you say something-and it doesn't matter what- and we're still really upbeat, you're kinda sorta golden)


TELL US WE'RE HOT!!! flattery will get you everywhere. we'll either get curious, respond in kind, or turn beet red... but we'll love it.

(... ^^;; I'm trying to explain!! Please tell me if I sound crazy... I do that sometimes.)

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Old 06-18-2009, 09:27 PM   #20
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  Originally Posted by lark
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Heh, I was once told by an INTJ that banter was pointless. :P

However, I'd like to stress that the point of 'flirting' isn't to have a productive conversation or even a conversation of philisophical/psychological/whatever substance. It's not there to analyze the roots of human nature and all those fun things you all like to dwell on... to which the reply I usually get is "well, then what's the point?" and a blank stare.

... well, the point of flirting is to get a sense of a how quick a person's mind is (if they can keep up) and their sense of humor. For a girl, humor's pretty much what keeps us around. Banter could come in the form of quick back and forth yet good humored argument (which you guys are actually really good at... when you feel like it.)

and, of course, the basic teasing.
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By the way, for some reason I find INTJs really interesting and your works kinda sorta really endearing to the extent that I will laugh and tease... that's flirting. You can usually tell 'cuz we light up and get really smiley, put our feet in our mouths, and might actually stop talking for a period of time in amusement... or shock.
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(this you might construe as awkward silence... however, if you say something-and it doesn't matter what- and we're still really upbeat, you're kinda sorta golden)


TELL US WE'RE HOT!!! flattery will get you everywhere. we'll either get curious, respond in kind, or turn beet red... but we'll love it.

(... ^^;; I'm trying to explain!! Please tell me if I sound crazy... I do that sometimes.)

Great advice and insight. Yeah, I think part of the problem is that INTJs want to go straight for the real "deep, meaningful" stuff. Yet most people need quite a bit of time to warm up to that sort of communication.

I have a woman I work with who wouldn't help me at all. No matter how I approached her, I got nothing at all from her. So then, one day, just bored I started just chatting with her randomly and we had a good conversation. After, that she was always much more willing to work with me.

And yes, flirting and showing a sense of humor is so very key. Just the other day I was asking a woman I work with for some information on a project. I have no interest in her (she's married, middle-aged, kids) but at the end of our conversation I thanked very much and parted with "Oh, by the way, Karen, you look very nice today." I said it in a very matter-of-fact way, still keeping a really business tone.

WOW, she did she blush and smile.

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Old 06-18-2009, 10:32 PM   #21
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  Originally Posted by jcasetnl
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Great advice and insight. Yeah, I think part of the problem is that INTJs want to go straight for the real "deep, meaningful" stuff. Yet most people need quite a bit of time to warm up to that sort of communication.

Funny - we take so long to commit emotionally, but we want an immediate connection on meaningful intellectual issues...

Actually, I find it very hard to develop a serious connection (as in, not just pure lust) without having had an intellectual conversation or two. That's not to say those conversations can't be flirtatious, though!

Question: if you don't talk about intellectual stuff or anything 'deep and meaningful,' what do you talk about when flirting/bantering? I've attempted it, but jumping into compliments seems fake and awkward, while making textbook 'small talk' about the weather/summer plans/movies feels stiff and impersonal. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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Old 06-18-2009, 11:01 PM   #22
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  Originally Posted by Xanthippe
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Funny - we take so long to commit emotionally, but we want an immediate connection on meaningful intellectual issues...

Actually, I find it very hard to develop a serious connection (as in, not just pure lust) without having had an intellectual conversation or two. That's not to say those conversations can't be flirtatious, though!

Question: if you don't talk about intellectual stuff or anything 'deep and meaningful,' what do you talk about when flirting/bantering? I've attempted it, but jumping into compliments seems fake and awkward, while making textbook 'small talk' about the weather/summer plans/movies feels stiff and impersonal. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I will admit, I bought and read a book on body language several years ago. I realized from that I was basically telling the opposite sex, "I AM NOT INTERESTED". So I started working on that.

What I've found that sometimes works is just letting some of the thoughts in my head out. Sometimes it totally backfires. The other day, a girl I'm attracted to asked me, "How's it going."

"I'm a little down."

"Why's that?"

"I know it's silly, but I woke up yesterday, went to take a shower and there were ants everywhere in there. Like hundreds of them. I live in an old building."

"Oh. Gross."

"Yeah, exactly, and what could I do? I found a brand of ant traps that work really well. Like they go after it like it's gold. So I set one out and made myself a bagel and watched some crappy morning television."

"Yeah?"

"So I went back and of course, they were going for the ant bait like crazy. But, I sort of felt sorry for them. I mean, they're just trying to make a living, aren't we all? And there were hundreds of them, maybe thousands. I bet there were a few good ants in there - scholars, heroes, innovators. But it was like "antschwitch", they all were gonna die."

"Oh, that's kind of sad."

"Yeah, do you ever think it's ironic how there's "Save the Whales" and "Save the Seals" and all that, but no one thinks a bug has a right to life? It's like a popularity contest, really. The cuter and higher up on the food chain you are, the more support you get."

"I guess you have a point..."

"Yeah, I even saw one ant I liked. And he wasn't going for the bait. I sort of didn't want him to go for the bait. I named him 'Harry'. "Harry, don't be fooled, it's a trap!" But eventually, Harry followed the rest."

"Oh that's sweet."

"But anyway, I'm talking way too much about ants. How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm doing okay. Just working."

"Hey I was going to try this new place I heard about for lunch. What are you doing for lunch? From what I've heard, no ants there"

And so on. Sometimes it works.

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Old 06-19-2009, 01:29 PM   #23
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OMG jcasetnl XD that's just... awesomeness XDD <3 so cute.

*cough* anywhoo

Well, the problem with intellectual conversations is that, although it explores a person's point of view, it's a completely different function for an ENFP... we put on a hat and indulge in the discourse but we kind of have to choose how seriously we want to keep the intellectual analysis you all love so much.

For me, if I take the subject/discussion seriously, I have to severely limit my emotional biases in order to stick to the logical equations and factual evidences... basically, it's fascinating, fun, and I learn a lot but it's hardly a bonding experience.

If I'm feeling playful and flirtatious, the subject's just the surface of my focus, assuming I don't go off on a tangent, because the fun, wit, and thrill is what creates the chemical reactions I'm going for, not just the intellectual stimulus. The subject could be anything really (even something deep and meaningful, just prepare to think of your argument in a completely different light... and for a lot of circular logic/tangents from our end). Even I get stumped over conversations topics XD however, with the right person, you could make even the weather turn into a massive back and forth discourse... just know that if you start this with an ENFP, we'll go over the top, make shit up, and be as random as hell... (ie don't get attached to the topic)

To answer what our focus is if it isn't the subject of the discussion: it's you. How you react in a nonstressful environment (where you're as little distracted by your thoughts and most aware of what's going on) and how you react to whatever it is I throw at you. I'll do everything I possibly can to get you going and out of your shell. This is mostly why ENFPs have the tendency to talk a lot. If you clam up, we'll talk at you, watching you the entire time to get a feel for how you're reacting. If we just stop talking and moving, it'll just be a staring contest... hardly productive.
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Old 06-19-2009, 01:32 PM   #24
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  Originally Posted by jcasetnl
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I will admit, I bought and read a book on body language several years ago. I realized from that I was basically telling the opposite sex, "I AM NOT INTERESTED". So I started working on that.

Wow being honest and telling interesting stories works. WHAT A DISCOVERY!!! You'd think that maybe people thought you were interesting when you didn't hide everything about yourself.

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Old 06-19-2009, 02:04 PM   #25
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  Originally Posted by JohnDoe
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Wow being honest and telling interesting stories works. WHAT A DISCOVERY!!! You'd think that maybe people thought you were interesting when you didn't hide everything about yourself.


It's not a matter of being completely open or completely shut off... it's a matter of being totally uninterested and unresponsive to the world around you. If you come off as stoic and pompous, people will 'take the hint' and back off. No one will try to hug a porcupine.

Besides, an interesting person thinks interesting thoughts... it's the substance, not the packaging, that keeps people around. You can wrap up and seal a package but it'll be opened eventually, why hold the charade any longer than the fleeting fun of enticement (assuming that's even necessary)?

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