How to Appease an INTJ

**aria** · 06-04-2009, 02:36 PM

So,

I am an INFP (girl) and have been friends with an INTJ guy for over a year and a half. For a long time we were just friends and at one point and even clarified with him that we were, in fact, just friends. This last semester was emotionally difficult for me and he was always there for me and so we grew a lot closer. Then the dynamic started to change but I just dismissed my thoughts. Then I couldn't really ignore it anymore, he was constantly taking me out, touching me, making me taking personality quizzes...etc. but I was so afraid because I have past relationship trauma and I don't believe that we could really work in a relationship anyways because of such a huge difference in values and causes. So I told him he was making me uncomfortable. What I didn't tell him is that I have very strong feelings for him and that I was simply too afraid to let him know. But now, he moved across the country (military) and is basically refusing to talk to me. And I'm heartbroken and confused because even if I did try to repair things and tell him that he's not an idiot and I do have feelings for him I still won't be able to have a relationship with him. I'm not sure if I should just let it go or if I should let the truth be known. And I hate that he's upset with me. (obviously, ha, I'm an INFP).

bah.

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**JohnDoe** · 06-04-2009, 02:45 PM

Unless you want to have a LTR with him, then let things be, no good will come of telling him the truth. But, if you want a LTR, then I suggest basically telling him what you just told us, and then getting used to airports, because it sound like that might work.

Storm · 06-04-2009, 03:39 PM

Signs the relationship might work:

He flirted with you a bit.
He makes you feel warm and fuzzy.

Signs the relationship won't work:

He lives on the other side of the country
He told you he just wants to be friends.
He's refusing to talk to you
You still have baggage from your last relationship
He has vastly different values than you.

**coffeeloverfreak** · 06-04-2009, 03:42 PM

This situation has nothing to do with personality type, in my opinion. It's the oldest story in the book. You got scared of getting closer, you retreated, he saw it as you no longer being interested, he retreated, you guys just couldn't get your ducks in a row at the same time. Happens every day.

Honestly, it may not have a chance in hell of working out. But I'd still say, what do you have to lose at this point by sucking up your courage and at least telling him how you feel? Even if it doesn't work out, at least you laid your cards on the table and gave it a try.

**JohnDoe** · 06-04-2009, 03:44 PM

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Signs the relationship might work: He flirted with you a bit. He makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Signs the relationship won't work: He lives on the other side of the country He told you he just wants to be friends. He's refusing to talk to you You still have baggage from your last relationship He has vastly different values than you.

See I think almost everything is the won't work list could be taken as him wanting to get over her and thus cutting off contact. If she told him she wanted to be with him....

**aria** · 06-04-2009, 03:49 PM

I was actually the one who told him that I just wanted to be friends and at the time he said he agreed. (that was back in january). So I thought that he didn't want anything else. So then when things started changing I was confused because I was unsure if he was kidding, or not serious or if I was imagining something or if he really meant it. And he's hard to read but looking back I'm afraid that he might have actually of meant it and that I totally shut him down. Although, the hard part is that we probably shouldn't be together anyway. So maybe I'm crazy for even bothering to worry about it.

**coffeeloverfreak** · 06-04-2009, 03:49 PM

@JohnDoe, except for the living on the other side of the country thing. Long-distance relationships are tricky. I was in one for two years; I speak from experience. I don't recommend it, but then, you can't tell your heart who to fall for. Just know going in that it ain't easy. Especially if he's in the military, with all that entails about him possibly being sent overseas or having to deal with all the stuff around that.

@Aria, when you say you "probably shouldn't be together anyway", what are you basing the "shouldn't" on?

**JohnDoe** · 06-04-2009, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by aria
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I was actually the one who told him that I just wanted to be friends and at the time he said he agreed. (that was back in january). So I thought that he didn't want anything else. So then when things started changing I was confused because I was unsure if he was kidding, or not serious or if I was imagining something or if he really meant it. And he's hard to read but looking back I'm afraid that he might have actually of meant it and that I totally shut him down. Although, the hard part is that we probably shouldn't be together anyway. So maybe I'm crazy for even bothering to worry about it.

Sounds like your kindof wanting us to agree with you so that you can put you can justify not going after him to yourself? Go for it. I'm you can find a way to make the relationship work if you both want to.

**aria** · 06-04-2009, 03:54 PM

well, when I'm honest with myself and examine my values and his and then imagine that in a relationship it looks like trouble. i'm in the abstinence till marriage school and it's really damn important to me and it's not at all to him and i know that he would be constantly pressuring me and I would feel upset that I couldn't make everyone happy and I just think that that alone is a recipie for disaster. Not to mention that my life goals don't really line up with being an army wife and he lives a thousand miles away as of a few weeks ago.

aria added to this post, 1 minutes and 37 seconds later...

@ john

i suppose what i'm trying to figure out is whether or not i should tell him how I feel even though I dont think we should be together. but i think you're probably right. no good would come of it.

**JohnDoe** · 06-04-2009, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by aria
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well, when I'm honest with myself and examine my values and his and then imagine that in a relationship it looks like trouble. i'm in the abstinence till marriage school and it's really damn important to me and it's not at all to him and i know that he would be constantly pressuring me and I would feel upset that I couldn't make everyone happy and I just think that that alone is a recipie for disaster. Not to mention that my life goals don't really line up with being an army wife and he lives a thousand miles away as of a few weeks ago.

They make these things called plane tickets nowadays.... I hear you can even get them on sale thanks to the internet
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1000 miles is well into the "short cheap plane trip" category. Its Long distance relationships where people are citizens of different countries that are hard. In the era of the internet LDR's are significantly easier then they used to be. But if he thinks sex before marriage is important and you think thats bad then that is quite often a deal breaker. But guys are willing to overlook that type of thing for the perfect person quite often.

Edit:
If you tell him how you feel and don't want to be with him you will really really hurt him.

**JustMel** · 06-04-2009, 03:58 PM

Regardless of type when someone puts themselves out there and is told they are making someone they consider a close friend uncomfortable it is tantamount to a slap in the face. Add in personality type of INTJ and you get someone who doesn't put themselves out there much anyway who just got the proverbial slap in the face.

He's moved across the country and unless and LTR is an option chances are you will end up chalking this one up to experience and moving on.

While past relationships have bearing on our reactions in future relationships you want to be careful using that as a reason/excuse. We've all done it but it's best not to punish the current for the past.

**coffeeloverfreak** · 06-04-2009, 04:07 PM

And the sex thing isn't exactly unimportant, either. I mean, if he's 1,000 miles away from you and in the army and believes that premarital sex is just fine and dandy, and you want to wait, well, it's unlikely he'll want or agree to be perpetually celibate, and it's unlikely that you'd be happy in a relationship where he was being unfaithful, and... well, yeah, recipe for disaster and all.

But then, some things aren't rational. I know, I know, us INTJs are supposedly "rationals", but we're more than a 4-letter type. We're people. And when it comes to matters of the heart, rationality frequently isn't a concern. If you really want to be with him, none of the so-called logical reasons why it wouldn't work are going to matter, because it's what your heart wants. And, speaking from experience, sometimes you have to go for it even if you are afraid you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. Sometimes, the journey is more important than the destination. And you never know what obstacles you might be able to work through if you both want to badly enough.

**wotsamattaU** · 06-04-2009, 04:10 PM

	Originally Posted by aria To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	i suppose what i'm trying to figure out is whether or not i should tell him how I feel even though I dont think we should be together. but i think you're probably right. no good would come of it.

Aria, what specifically are your reasons you don't think you should be together? You've stated:

. abstinence
. military life

Have you two discussed these things in depth at all? Has he said he wants a military career? If not, your concerns about being a military wife way be way off track. I'm wondering if a lack of communication isn't the main issue here.

He obviously thought you two were very compatible. Do you know for a fact he would not respect your personal values?

I think it's best to be honest with your feelings and live life without regrets. Take into consideration how this may affect him. Don't do it for selfish reasons to unburden yourself; do it to clear the air if you believe some good may come from it.

Storm · 06-04-2009, 04:13 PM

Is premarital sex the only value you don't share? Or are there deeper religious convictions? Shared values are one of the most important parts of a relationship. It sounds like you aren't that in to this guy and are instead in love with the idea of being in love.

Note: Storm is not a romantic.

**aria** · 06-04-2009, 04:15 PM

basically we have two different world views...religion, politics etc. and he does wish to be career military. Afterwards he wants to own a ranch. That part I like. He's the second person I've had feelings for in my life. And I have a tendency to be ruled by my emotions. So really I'm reacting emotionally rather than logically. And intellectually I know that we probably wouldn't work too well. But my feelings are on a rampage as of late.

**wotsamattaU** · 06-04-2009, 04:48 PM

What set your feelings off on a rampage - was there a new development?

You turned him down, he went on with his life and cut off contact. That not talking to you is necessary for him to move forward.

You're having remorse and hate him not talking to you, but do not see a future for the two of you. Is this accurate?

It does not sound as if you know it wouldn't work for the two of you - there are a lot of iffy statements in your story.

. Is it clear to you whether it is a hopeless case?
. Do you think there is enough there to overcome your obstacles?
. Are you just missing the idea of him?

Figure these things out being honest with yourself, and the angst will be considerably lessened.

What confuses me is why he thought you two held such potential if you have insurmountable differences.

**aria** · 06-04-2009, 05:06 PM

The reason for all the angst is that in spite of the fact that we shouldn't/can't date (like everyone important in my life would seriously disapprove) I have strong feelings for him. So, I want to date him but I can't. I wondered why he liked being friends with me. We had a rather rocky start to our friendship but then things mellowed out. once we got past disagreeing on everything we complement each other relatively well as friends. Perhaps I am missing the idea of him. I do know for sure that all hell would break loose if we started a relationship. If I choose him then everyone else who matters most to me is going to be unhappy with me but if I don't choose him then he may just disappear into the ether never to be my friend again. I hate both of those options.

Storm · 06-04-2009, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by aria
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basically we have two different world views...religion, politics etc. and he does wish to be career military. Afterwards he wants to own a ranch. That part I like. He's the second person I've had feelings for in my life. And I have a tendency to be ruled by my emotions. So really I'm reacting emotionally rather than logically. And intellectually I know that we probably wouldn't work too well. But my feelings are on a rampage as of late.

Politics aren't that big a deal, religion can be - especially if it's a big part of you life. So, let's look at values. Have you talked about family life? Views on gender roles? Lifestyle? Etc.?

**JohnDoe** · 06-04-2009, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by aria
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The reason for all the angst is that in spite of the fact that we shouldn't/can't date (like everyone important in my life would seriously disapprove) I have strong feelings for him. So, I want to date him but I can't. I wondered why he liked being friends with me. We had a rather rocky start to our friendship but then things mellowed out. once we got past disagreeing on everything we complement each other relatively well as friends. Perhaps I am missing the idea of him. I do know for sure that all hell would break loose if we started a relationship. If I choose him then everyone else who matters most to me is going to be unhappy with me but if I don't choose him then he may just disappear into the ether never to be my friend again. I hate both of those options.

Sounds like your afraid of the external consequences if you had a relationship, not that you have actual misgivings about the relationship itself?

**aria** · 06-04-2009, 11:23 PM

I know for sure the external consquences would be bad but I do believe that with enough hard work, two mature people can make it happen even if there are obstacles. So could we possibly be happy together? possibly. but is it maybe the best path to take...maybe not.

**JohnDoe** · 06-05-2009, 12:10 AM

Give love a chance
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Whats the worst that happens? He still doesn't talk to you? How is that different from now?

**Rhap** · 06-05-2009, 12:43 AM

Tell him.

Like John says, the downside can't be any worse than it is now for you.

If you don't, you will be left wondering, and that sucks.

There is no limit to the upside.

**JohnDoe** · 06-05-2009, 01:17 AM

	Originally Posted by Rhap To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Tell him. Like John says, the downside can't be any worse than it is now for you. If you don't, you will be left wondering, and that sucks. There is no limit to the upside.

Seriously uncertainty is a bitch.

**MaleVolentworld** · 06-05-2009, 01:38 AM

Send him pics of yourself in a miniskirt with a devious look on your face. Also record yourself singing the following lyrics:

"Love can build a bridge, between your heart and mine, don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time"

Include some underwear and I think he will go back to you.

**jcasetnl** · 06-05-2009, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by aria
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So,

I am an INFP (girl) and have been friends with an INTJ guy for over a year and a half. For a long time we were just friends and at one point and even clarified with him that we were, in fact, just friends. This last semester was emotionally difficult for me and he was always there for me and so we grew a lot closer. Then the dynamic started to change but I just dismissed my thoughts. Then I couldn't really ignore it anymore, he was constantly taking me out, touching me, making me taking personality quizzes...etc. but I was so afraid because I have past relationship trauma and I don't believe that we could really work in a relationship anyways because of such a huge difference in values and causes. So I told him he was making me uncomfortable. What I didn't tell him is that I have very strong feelings for him and that I was simply too afraid to let him know. But now, he moved across the country (military) and is basically refusing to talk to me. And I'm heartbroken and confused because even if I did try to repair things and tell him that he's not an idiot and I do have feelings for him I still won't be able to have a relationship with him. I'm not sure if I should just let it go or if I should let the truth be known. And I hate that he's upset with me. (obviously, ha, I'm an INFP).

bah.

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It's clear (to me at least) that he had some pretty strong feelings for you. The touching, etc. is evidence, but so is totally cutting you off after you (in his mind) rejected him. If he wasn't thinking along those lines, he wouldn't have been too upset to maintain a friendship.

However, given the distance involved and his military situation, I would let it go. I see nothing wrong with writing a "farewell" letter to hopefully clear the air for the two of you, though.

06-04-2009, 02:36 PM	#1
aria New Member [01%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8	So, I am an INFP (girl) and have been friends with an INTJ guy for over a year and a half. For a long time we were just friends and at one point and even clarified with him that we were, in fact, just friends. This last semester was emotionally difficult for me and he was always there for me and so we grew a lot closer. Then the dynamic started to change but I just dismissed my thoughts. Then I couldn't really ignore it anymore, he was constantly taking me out, touching me, making me taking personality quizzes...etc. but I was so afraid because I have past relationship trauma and I don't believe that we could really work in a relationship anyways because of such a huge difference in values and causes. So I told him he was making me uncomfortable. What I didn't tell him is that I have very strong feelings for him and that I was simply too afraid to let him know. But now, he moved across the country (military) and is basically refusing to talk to me. And I'm heartbroken and confused because even if I did try to repair things and tell him that he's not an idiot and I do have feelings for him I still won't be able to have a relationship with him. I'm not sure if I should just let it go or if I should let the truth be known. And I hate that he's upset with me. (obviously, ha, I'm an INFP). bah. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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06-04-2009, 02:45 PM	#2
JohnDoe Core Member [130%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5,203	Unless you want to have a LTR with him, then let things be, no good will come of telling him the truth. But, if you want a LTR, then I suggest basically telling him what you just told us, and then getting used to airports, because it sound like that might work.
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06-04-2009, 03:39 PM	#3
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,681	Signs the relationship might work: He flirted with you a bit. He makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Signs the relationship won't work: He lives on the other side of the country He told you he just wants to be friends. He's refusing to talk to you You still have baggage from your last relationship He has vastly different values than you.
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06-04-2009, 03:42 PM	#4
coffeeloverfreak Member [09%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 391	This situation has nothing to do with personality type, in my opinion. It's the oldest story in the book. You got scared of getting closer, you retreated, he saw it as you no longer being interested, he retreated, you guys just couldn't get your ducks in a row at the same time. Happens every day. Honestly, it may not have a chance in hell of working out. But I'd still say, what do you have to lose at this point by sucking up your courage and at least telling him how you feel? Even if it doesn't work out, at least you laid your cards on the table and gave it a try.
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06-04-2009, 03:49 PM	#6
aria New Member [01%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8	I was actually the one who told him that I just wanted to be friends and at the time he said he agreed. (that was back in january). So I thought that he didn't want anything else. So then when things started changing I was confused because I was unsure if he was kidding, or not serious or if I was imagining something or if he really meant it. And he's hard to read but looking back I'm afraid that he might have actually of meant it and that I totally shut him down. Although, the hard part is that we probably shouldn't be together anyway. So maybe I'm crazy for even bothering to worry about it.
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06-04-2009, 03:54 PM	#9
aria New Member [01%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8	well, when I'm honest with myself and examine my values and his and then imagine that in a relationship it looks like trouble. i'm in the abstinence till marriage school and it's really damn important to me and it's not at all to him and i know that he would be constantly pressuring me and I would feel upset that I couldn't make everyone happy and I just think that that alone is a recipie for disaster. Not to mention that my life goals don't really line up with being an army wife and he lives a thousand miles away as of a few weeks ago. aria added to this post, 1 minutes and 37 seconds later... @ john i suppose what i'm trying to figure out is whether or not i should tell him how I feel even though I dont think we should be together. but i think you're probably right. no good would come of it.
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06-04-2009, 03:58 PM	#11
JustMel Core Member [422%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 16,891	Regardless of type when someone puts themselves out there and is told they are making someone they consider a close friend uncomfortable it is tantamount to a slap in the face. Add in personality type of INTJ and you get someone who doesn't put themselves out there much anyway who just got the proverbial slap in the face. He's moved across the country and unless and LTR is an option chances are you will end up chalking this one up to experience and moving on. While past relationships have bearing on our reactions in future relationships you want to be careful using that as a reason/excuse. We've all done it but it's best not to punish the current for the past.
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06-04-2009, 04:07 PM	#12
coffeeloverfreak Member [09%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 391	And the sex thing isn't exactly unimportant, either. I mean, if he's 1,000 miles away from you and in the army and believes that premarital sex is just fine and dandy, and you want to wait, well, it's unlikely he'll want or agree to be perpetually celibate, and it's unlikely that you'd be happy in a relationship where he was being unfaithful, and... well, yeah, recipe for disaster and all. But then, some things aren't rational. I know, I know, us INTJs are supposedly "rationals", but we're more than a 4-letter type. We're people. And when it comes to matters of the heart, rationality frequently isn't a concern. If you really want to be with him, none of the so-called logical reasons why it wouldn't work are going to matter, because it's what your heart wants. And, speaking from experience, sometimes you have to go for it even if you are afraid you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. Sometimes, the journey is more important than the destination. And you never know what obstacles you might be able to work through if you both want to badly enough.
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06-04-2009, 04:13 PM	#14
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,681	Is premarital sex the only value you don't share? Or are there deeper religious convictions? Shared values are one of the most important parts of a relationship. It sounds like you aren't that in to this guy and are instead in love with the idea of being in love. Note: Storm is not a romantic.
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06-04-2009, 04:15 PM	#15
aria New Member [01%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8	basically we have two different world views...religion, politics etc. and he does wish to be career military. Afterwards he wants to own a ranch. That part I like. He's the second person I've had feelings for in my life. And I have a tendency to be ruled by my emotions. So really I'm reacting emotionally rather than logically. And intellectually I know that we probably wouldn't work too well. But my feelings are on a rampage as of late.
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06-04-2009, 04:48 PM	#16
wotsamattaU Member [18%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 759	What set your feelings off on a rampage - was there a new development? You turned him down, he went on with his life and cut off contact. That not talking to you is necessary for him to move forward. You're having remorse and hate him not talking to you, but do not see a future for the two of you. Is this accurate? It does not sound as if you know it wouldn't work for the two of you - there are a lot of iffy statements in your story. . Is it clear to you whether it is a hopeless case? . Do you think there is enough there to overcome your obstacles? . Are you just missing the idea of him? Figure these things out being honest with yourself, and the angst will be considerably lessened. What confuses me is why he thought you two held such potential if you have insurmountable differences.
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06-04-2009, 05:06 PM	#17
aria New Member [01%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8	The reason for all the angst is that in spite of the fact that we shouldn't/can't date (like everyone important in my life would seriously disapprove) I have strong feelings for him. So, I want to date him but I can't. I wondered why he liked being friends with me. We had a rather rocky start to our friendship but then things mellowed out. once we got past disagreeing on everything we complement each other relatively well as friends. Perhaps I am missing the idea of him. I do know for sure that all hell would break loose if we started a relationship. If I choose him then everyone else who matters most to me is going to be unhappy with me but if I don't choose him then he may just disappear into the ether never to be my friend again. I hate both of those options.
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06-04-2009, 11:23 PM	#20
aria New Member [01%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 8	I know for sure the external consquences would be bad but I do believe that with enough hard work, two mature people can make it happen even if there are obstacles. So could we possibly be happy together? possibly. but is it maybe the best path to take...maybe not.
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06-05-2009, 12:10 AM	#21
JohnDoe Core Member [130%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5,203	Give love a chance To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Whats the worst that happens? He still doesn't talk to you? How is that different from now?
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06-05-2009, 12:43 AM	#22
Rhap New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 6	Tell him. Like John says, the downside can't be any worse than it is now for you. If you don't, you will be left wondering, and that sucks. There is no limit to the upside.
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06-05-2009, 01:38 AM	#24
MaleVolentworld Member [23%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 944	Send him pics of yourself in a miniskirt with a devious look on your face. Also record yourself singing the following lyrics: "Love can build a bridge, between your heart and mine, don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time" Include some underwear and I think he will go back to you.
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