[some other forumemme]

Hi all,

So I'm an ENFP, and all my life I'd say I've been attracted to generally the EN types. Its very recently that I started talking to an INTJ who I felt really attracted to. But I'm not used to the way he behaves, and I'm really surprised at how, being incredibly intelligent and witty, he can still have that very strong streak of emotional-stunt! So its really difficult for me to figure out if he's interested in me. He's never been in a relationship, as he's never liked a girl enough to pursue her with determination. I've already communicated to him that I would like to meet with him, but this interest seems to bounce off of him like no big deal. I know there's a lot to me that he finds interesting, and yet... he's so... just into himself that he can't come out and tell me, or is he just not that into me?

According to Jung, an ENFP-INTJ match is quite sustainable.. but I'm having the hardest time gauging how he feels about me and whether or not he's into me at all.

How am I supposed to get a reaction from him?
What do you INTJ males get excited about, enough to say "hey, yea, i uh, when can we meet?"

[Synamon]

Here's a thread that might help you:


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[some other forumemme]

ok. that thread tells me of ways that i can tell that he likes me.

he did do an extensive search on me. i found it very strange. he found me on linked in, facebook, and read everything i wrote, perused over every picture i had, and every comment anyone had written

but at the same time, he ignored 2 of my calls... and the last he emailed he said "oh you were offended by that? haha, damn" and no apology lol.

so onto the second part of my question.

what does the INTJ like? what excites him enough to make a move?





some other forumemme added to this post, 12 minutes and 39 seconds later...

also, i can't seem to be able to wrap my head around why Jung thinks an INTJ would find an ENFP attractive. Up until now, he has only critisized my people-centred ways, and finds me silly for not agreeing with his views on there being a one single purpose in life. I keep trying to reason with him that "to each his own" and that to think there's only one way is to be narrow-minded, and just like all the "ignorant" people he deems unworthy. but he keeps coming back at this as if what I'm saying makes no sense at all, and only his way of seeing this is the most correct way. ugh. he disagrees with so many fundamental aspects of what I believe in.... is this what happens with all you INTJs despite being interested in someone?

[Josephine1012]

Can I ask you how old you guys are?

It sounds to me that he finds you interesting but he doesn't really know how to act as a result of that... He doesn't want to show you too much attention as I think a lot of people seem to think that will cause you to lose interest. I don't think he is intentionally playing games per se, it just seems to be lack of experience.

Take it slow, let him get used to the idea of you. As much as you want to drag him out of his comfort zone, don't do it just yet. Show him steady signs of attention without pushing for too much too fast. If you do that it will give him some time to think about it and decide what he wants. In my personal experience, just like any other person he has some idea what he wants. However he needs to reconcile his logic with that idea prior to any action on his part. He isn't comfortable moving forward until he makes sense out of this.

[some other forumemme]

Originally Posted by Josephine1012 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Can I ask you how old you guys are? It sounds to me that he finds you interesting but he doesn't really know how to act as a result of that... He doesn't want to show you too much attention as I think a lot of people seem to think that will cause you to lose interest. I don't think he is intentionally playing games per se, it just seems to be lack of experience. Take it slow, let him get used to the idea of you. As much as you want to drag him out of his comfort zone, don't do it just yet. Show him steady signs of attention without pushing for too much too fast. If you do that it will give him some time to think about it and decide what he wants. In my personal experience, just like any other person he has some idea what he wants. However he needs to reconcile his logic with that idea prior to any action on his part. He isn't comfortable moving forward until he makes sense out of this.

we're in our early twenties..
yea i guess i want to allow him the time to get adjusted ( i really only started talking to him 3 days ago.. and already got pretty assertive, lol)
the first day we connected really well. the second day there were some arguments, and so i sought communication. the two phonecalls he ignored, i had a feeling that i should've waited them out. but i guess you would know how abnormal it feels for us ENFPs to wait things out...
but yes, now i understand he does need his space.. and that as an ENFP, i'd have to practice some patience.. and understanding.. sighs. heh. thanks for the help!

[Vagrant]

To me, it sounds like he doesn't know how to approach the situation. The fact that he hasn't repulsed you already seems a good sign.

I know when I had less experience with women, I was terrible at asking them out and was generally very... awkward. Which I guess can be cute in its own way.

Quick and easy way to do this? Ask him out. Directly. Don't beat around the bush -- go in, and go straight.

[Josephine1012]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

we're in our early twenties.. yea i guess i want to allow him the time to get adjusted ( i really only started talking to him 3 days ago.. and already got pretty assertive, lol) the first day we connected really well. the second day there were some arguments, and so i sought communication. the two phonecalls he ignored, i had a feeling that i should've waited them out. but i guess you would know how abnormal it feels for us ENFPs to wait things out... but yes, now i understand he does need his space.. and that as an ENFP, i'd have to practice some patience.. and understanding.. sighs. heh. thanks for the help!

In my opinion, you don't have to suppress who you are, but you need to channel your NF: meaning try to put yourself into his shoes a little. Not your cute, frilly ENFP shoes (with a velvet red bow), but his austere, high quality INTJ shoes
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If you notice that you've gone too far, back off a little and let him digest it. Once he is ready to resume he will likely seek you out.

Make sure you're honest, I know we have a tendency to be able to pull a fast one on most people, but in this case it's probably not true. If he interested in you than he is probably analyzing your behavior, if he senses that you're being dishonest or playing games, jig is up!

[some other forumemme]

	Originally Posted by Vagrant To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	To me, it sounds like he doesn't know how to approach the situation. The fact that he hasn't repulsed you already seems a good sign. I know when I had less experience with women, I was terrible at asking them out and was generally very... awkward. Which I guess can be cute in its own way. Quick and easy way to do this? Ask him out. Directly. Don't beat around the bush -- go in, and go straight.

Well it was he who asked me what exactly I was looking for from him. I answered that I had felt we had hit it off nicely, and was interested in seeing how it would go. He proceeded by asking me the same question again in many different ways. Finally I admitted that I was interested in him romantically. To this he said "ah. there you go. why didn't you just say so?". and so we talked around this for a while. but then the conversation turned into him telling me that he doesn't think i know him enough to be truly interested in him, and that the 2 days of communicating with each other non-stop doesn't do much, and that for all he knows i could be nothing like i seem to be. so at this i told him to relax and realize that i probably am much like i seem to be, and that its not like im bent on my intent to pursue him romantically, and that like him i'm still just exploring the two of us as people. in this he found comfort.

so in other words. going into it straight makes him feel very uncomfortable. it seems he'd rather have the space right now. but thank you for your response!

[Vagrant]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well it was he who asked me what exactly I was looking for from him. I answered that I had felt we had hit it off nicely, and was interested in seeing how it would go. He proceeded by asking me the same question again in many different ways. Finally I admitted that I was interested in him romantically. To this he said "ah. there you go. why didn't you just say so?". and so we talked around this for a while. but then the conversation turned into him telling me that he doesn't think i know him enough to be truly interested in him, and that the 2 days of communicating with each other non-stop doesn't do much, and that for all he knows i could be nothing like i seem to be. so at this i told him to relax and realize that i probably am much like i seem to be, and that its not like im bent on my intent to pursue him romantically, and that like him i'm still just exploring the two of us as people. in this he found comfort. so in other words. going into it straight makes him feel very uncomfortable. it seems he'd rather have the space right now. but thank you for your response!

I think you misunderstood what I meant by "going in straight."

You said it yourself -- he asked you the same question in multiple ways to extract the answer from you. Usually I can see if somebody's hiding something from me. And so I will slowly poke and prod until they actually tell me.

"Going in straight" in this case is being flat-out honest and direct. If you're interested in him, ask him out. After all, you two won't get to know each other unless you try.

[some other forumemme]

Originally Posted by Josephine1012 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

In my opinion, you don't have to suppress who you are, but you need to channel your NF: meaning try to put yourself into his shoes a little. Not your cute, frilly ENFP shoes (with a velvet red bow), but his austere, high quality INTJ shoes To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. If you notice that you've gone too far, back off a little and let him digest it. Once he is ready to resume he will likely seek you out. Make sure you're honest, I know we have a tendency to be able to pull a fast one on most people, but in this case it's probably not true. If he interested in you than he is probably analyzing your behavior, if he senses that you're being dishonest or playing games, jig is up!

yes! i like what you're saying! haha. "channel your NF". my NF tells me he does like me but seems astounded (and somewhat afraid and suspicious) of my enthusiasm for him. Best thing to do here is other things to keep my little E busy with work and the like until he's done his exams and ready to seek me out, in which case i wouldn't be able to help but be myself, and hope that things shape up the way they were meant to best shape up.

[Josephine1012]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

yes! i like what you're saying! haha. "channel your NF". my NF tells me he does like me but seems astounded (and somewhat afraid and suspicious) of my enthusiasm for him. Best thing to do here is other things to keep my little E busy with work and the like until he's done his exams and ready to seek me out, in which case i wouldn't be able to help but be myself, and hope that things shape up the way they were meant to best shape up.

Ok, that's a pretty important piece of info. He is busy, my dear.. No lovey dovey stuff is going to deter him from something he considers very important to his future. You have to remember not to take things personally when he gets school stuff on his plate. I know a lot of other people would have contacted you regardless, but I think INTJ guy (thanks to his NTJ) is more likely to focus on something like that and not let his brain wonder until it passes.

I think there is nothing that would frustrate him more than to see you be upset at not getting enough attention in a time when he has to focus on school, that may actually make him rethink your compatibility.

I know you probably haven't shown it, but you just have to keep in mind in the future. It's not personal it's just who he is.

[Synamon]

You've been talking to him for 3 days? Slow down. INTJs need some time to adjust.

Here is a
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with a glimpse into the INTJ mindset regarding pursuit by an ENFP.

By the way, you can find lots of threads on the forum about ENFPs and their relationships with INTJs by typing 'enfp' into the Search feature in the forum toolbar and ticking the box for Search Titles Only.

[some other forumemme]

Originally Posted by Vagrant To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I think you misunderstood what I meant by "going in straight." You said it yourself -- he asked you the same question in multiple ways to extract the answer from you. Usually I can see if somebody's hiding something from me. And so I will slowly poke and prod until they actually tell me. "Going in straight" in this case is being flat-out honest and direct. If you're interested in him, ask him out. After all, you two won't get to know each other unless you try.

i really would but here's the thing. we live about 1000kms away from each other. and if he just so much as told me he'd really like it if we could meet, i think i'd plan for a gettogether within a week. but he hasn't said anything like it. i've said it, to which he responded with ehhs and hehhs and "you barely know me". so. i really can't flat out ask him "this weekend, i'll fly over?". even if he says sure, i know from [quite a bit of overly-assertive ENFP] experience that it can be detrimental to relationships if the guy isn't feeling like he initiated certain things..





some other forumemme added to this post, 3 minutes and 6 seconds later...

Originally Posted by Synamon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

You've been talking to him for 3 days? Slow down. INTJs need some time to adjust. Here is a To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. with a glimpse into the INTJ mindset regarding pursuit by an ENFP. By the way, you can find lots of threads on the forum about ENFPs and their relationships with INTJs by typing 'enfp' into the Search feature in the forum toolbar and ticking the box for Search Titles Only.

yes i've already tried just that same title search. thank you for this second link. =]

[Josephine1012]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

i really would but here's the thing. we live about 1000kms away from each other. and if he just so much as told me he'd really like it if we could meet, i think i'd plan for a gettogether within a week. but he hasn't said anything like it. i've said it, to which he responded with ehhs and hehhs and "you barely know me". so. i really can't flat out ask him "this weekend, i'll fly over?". even if he says sure, i know from [quite a bit of overly-assertive ENFP] experience that it can be detrimental to relationships if the guy isn't feeling like he initiated certain things..

Plot thickens...

Have you tried getting to know him a little better before you make a decision to fly somewhere. I realize that you see this as a fun and exciting adventure and you don't care if it doesn't go well, because regardless it's experience (haha, welcome to my life), but I think he sees it as responsibility you're asking him to assume. Best thing to do, is to put in a little more time and to get to know each other a little better, email, phone, chat for some time where you both have a good understanding of each other as a person. If you still really like him than it will eventually happen. Did you meet him on a dating site?

[some other forumemme]

Originally Posted by Josephine1012 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ok, that's a pretty important piece of info. He is busy, my dear.. No lovey dovey stuff is going to deter him from something he considers very important to his future. You have to remember not to take things personally when he gets school stuff on his plate. I know a lot of other people would have contacted you regardless, but I think INTJ guy (thanks to his NTJ) is more likely to focus on something like that and not let his brain wonder until it passes. I think there is nothing that would frustrate him more than to see you be upset at not getting enough attention in a time when he has to focus on school, that may actually make him rethink your compatibility. I know you probably haven't shown it, but you just have to keep in mind in the future. It's not personal it's just who he is.

well no i didn't know he had exams. this was the last piece of info he gave me (two exams tomorrow) so obviously i wouldn't want to bug him (which is why i diverted my energy into this forum instead, lol). i want him to do well in school, and i'd hope he'd want the same for me as well. i know it could potentially upset me to get ignored, but at the same time, i tend to try to be aware of the context in which things happen, and so any reason to be upset melts away. i like that he can focus. i know i need help in staying focussed.





some other forumemme added to this post, 10 minutes and 4 seconds later...

Originally Posted by Josephine1012 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Plot thickens... Have you tried getting to know him a little better before you make a decision to fly somewhere. I realize that you see this as a fun and exciting adventure and you don't care if it doesn't go well, because regardless it's experience (haha, welcome to my life), but I think he sees it as responsibility you're asking him to assume. Best thing to do, is to put in a little more time and to get to know each other a little better, email, phone, chat for some time where you both have a good understanding of each other as a person. If you still really like him than it will eventually happen. Did you meet him on a dating site?

no i randomly messaged him on a networking site because he seemed cute and had a very playful/philosophical profile. oh and him and i come from the same part of the world (not many people from there, so its very rare to find someone who is your age, not related to you in any way, and also interesting). he responded right away. it was really witty and playful fun, then we chatted, then we neglected sleep through a long-distance phone call. we did the same the following day. gah. ok. i mean we'd have to meet at some point any way. so i was thinking itd be better sooner than later. but ok. we'll see.

[Josephine1012]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

no i randomly messaged him on a networking site because he seemed cute and had a very playful/philosophical profile. oh and him and i come from the same part of the world (not many people from there, so its very rare to find someone who is your age, not related to you in any way, and also interesting). he responded right away. it was really witty and playful fun, then we chatted, then we neglected sleep through a long-distance phone call. we did the same the following day. gah. ok. i mean we'd have to meet at some point any way. so i was thinking itd be better sooner than later. but ok. we'll see.

Trust me he needs more time than a couple of days. He may be intrigued by you, but he is still ruled by his head and not his feelings when he is making a decision. Give him a chance to process, and let him think about it (more than a few days, I think one month is really the shortest time period you can expect). Meanwhile, continue being responsive and charming. Don't waste this time, use it to get to know each other.

[demaugustus]

Here's a post from an INTJf legend (at least in my opinion) Dr. East that might help:

INTJ LOVE By: Dr. East INTJs aren't really at home with lust either. N! Not S! We live in our heads, thankyouverymuch. Note that when I refer to INTJ from here on out, I'm really just trying to give people a guide to dating ME, and it may not be universally applicable. I've never not been me. 1. Male 2. 25 3. As an INTJ, I generally approach love in much the same way an INFJ would, but with less invested in it overall. This isn't to say that the idea of love isn't important to me... it very much is... but I am willing to go without it rather than try and approximate it with consistent lust. This is the initial hurdle that prospective suitors must overcome. This lack of investment can come across as a lack of interest. Be assured that this is not the case! However, INTJs must judge someone as acceptable before committing to a long-term relationship. And there's really no such thing as an acceptable short-term relationship. So, here's a quick-and-easy guide to INTJ courtship: Step 1: Realize that you have fallen in love with a nerd, despite the commonly held American middle-to-high-school idea that this is impossible. You do, however, have my condolences. Step 2: Study your nerd carefully. Your nerd will have several interests. Pick several and learn about them, enough that you can converse about them casually. True expertise is not required (your INTJ will enjoy elucidating you and you can capitalize on that to make them enjoy your company), but a basic vocabulary is recommended. Don't worry, your nerd is safe from competing courtiers who have not taken the time to invest in overcoming that first hurdle. Step 3: Your nerd may hold a set of social mores and values. Make sure you learn about these early as well, and at least pretend to hold similar social mores. You may be amazed otherwise when attempts to seduce drive away rather than attract your nerd, especially if you are an S-type personality. With time you may well be able to argue your INTJ out of the ones you disagree with. Step 3.5: Speaking of arguing, take some time to learn the most common flaws in logic and how to spot them. Nothing impresses and attracts an INTJ like being able to correctly identify flaws in logic. More interestingly, INTJs often take shortcuts in logic themselves when attempting to sway an audience, being poor communicators of internal logic and more interested in the result than the process of debate per se. Making your INTJ expand his arguments can make him into a better person and earn you some respect. Step 4: You have now rendered yourself acceptable, being able to fit into your INTJ's long-term plans about how the world should work. Now you must insinuate yourself into the INTJ's world! With a little effort, you can make it so that to him or her, long term planning must accommodate you to be acceptable. At this point the INTJ will be in love with you, but it may take some time for them to realize this. Step 5: Flirting. INTJ's can not easily identify flirting directed at them. They are not P's, however, so this is easy to overcome. Simply tell them, as clinically and casually as possible, that you find yourself attracted to them and would like to try dating. If the INTJ is unattached, they should respond well to this. Attempting to turn flirting into a subtle dance of hidden meaning will leave you intensely frustrated. Step 6: Communication. The INTJ's basic form of communication is the logical argument. Engage them in it, expounding on the argument yourself if you agree or attempting counter-argumentation if you disagree. Step 7: Physicality. INTJs are not physical people, but must be acclimated to touching. Start small, with hello or goodbye hugs, and expand from there. To an INTJ, staring into your eyes is the equivalent of making out, without so much mess and bother. An INTJ will but rarely initiate physical contact. If you are a physical person, it may be some time before you can get your INTJ to act accordingly. 4. N's generally, but everyone has something to offer."

[dalidaisy]

I would steer away from pretending to be something you are not. INTJs (or me, at least), can tell when you are being insincere...

[Frag]

Yup, all that suspicion is poured into consistency checks; you best be consistent. ;-)

[some other forumemme]

Is it an INTJ thing for him to be not very interested in flirting? We have a playful back and forth, but I'm realizing that its never sexually suggestive. And if I am ever sexually suggestive, he backs up, haha. Is this an INTJ thing?

[some other forumemme]

I really like my INTJ
he is the sweetest thing ever!
I think I'm going to leave this forum
hehe
But thank you all for your help!

[some other forumemme]

I love my INTJ

I only met him (online) a couple of days ago
and I already know that I love him haha

I think though that I don't see any of the negatives any one has listed here regarding INTJs

He IS romantic in his own way. The kind of romantic that communicates affection while dancing around the words haha. And I love how he really pays attention to me, and what I say, and how I think, and even how I feel (I dont know how, but he does!). And how he takes note of everything in his mind. And brings it all together. To ask me these ... totally direct and deep questions that I so love. And then his little random jokes that tie things together in a witty little intellectual banter... heh. He is so talented! I also like how he makes way for time in his day to speak to me at length, never giving me the impression that he's rushing me. And I like how he has already come out of his bubble and told me that he likes me.
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I am SO in love with my INTJ haha. Can't wait to meet him!

[cindybear]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I love my INTJ I only met him (online) a couple of days ago and I already know that I love him haha I think though that I don't see any of the negatives any one has listed here regarding INTJs He IS romantic in his own way. The kind of romantic that communicates affection while dancing around the words haha. And I love how he really pays attention to me, and what I say, and how I think, and even how I feel (I dont know how, but he does!). And how he takes note of everything in his mind. And brings it all together. To ask me these ... totally direct and deep questions that I so love. And then his little random jokes that tie things together in a witty little intellectual banter... heh. He is so talented! I also like how he makes way for time in his day to speak to me at length, never giving me the impression that he's rushing me. And I like how he has already come out of his bubble and told me that he likes me. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I am SO in love with my INTJ haha. Can't wait to meet him!

Ehem *cough-reality-will-kick-in-soon-let's-say-four-months-cough-cough*
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[Cygnus]

	Originally Posted by cindybear To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Ehem *cough-reality-will-kick-in-soon-let's-say-four-months-cough-cough* To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Wow, I must have missed the forecast of dreary rain on someone's parade.

[Storm]

Originally Posted by some other forumemme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I love my INTJ I only met him (online) a couple of days ago and I already know that I love him haha I think though that I don't see any of the negatives any one has listed here regarding INTJs He IS romantic in his own way. The kind of romantic that communicates affection while dancing around the words haha. And I love how he really pays attention to me, and what I say, and how I think, and even how I feel (I dont know how, but he does!). And how he takes note of everything in his mind. And brings it all together. To ask me these ... totally direct and deep questions that I so love. And then his little random jokes that tie things together in a witty little intellectual banter... heh. He is so talented! I also like how he makes way for time in his day to speak to me at length, never giving me the impression that he's rushing me. And I like how he has already come out of his bubble and told me that he likes me. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I am SO in love with my INTJ haha. Can't wait to meet him!

Careful throwing the L-word around there.