Relationships and arguments

**krapyrubsnif** · 02-11-2009, 04:50 PM

If you analyze a relationship and how much the pair harshly argue - how far do you think this can be taken as a reasonable portrayal of how good the relationship is? Considering of course that certain personality types (like INTJ for example) have a tendency to avoid emotional conflict.

**Profit** · 02-11-2009, 05:00 PM

Well I would say that if two people in a relationship argue constantly over relatively minor things it probably points to an unhappy relationship. On the other hand if a couple never argues it means one or both people are bottling up emotions and not being honest. I think this can be just as harmful to a relationship as constant bickering.

**Maayan** · 02-11-2009, 05:01 PM

Is it sexy malice or an argument stemming from reality distorted as a result of both people's inward struggle against against oppressive outside forces? (That's a long sentence.) In the latter case, I'd take it as a reasonable portrayal of how bad both people are at anger management and tact. Which generally means that the relationship is worthless unless at least one of the people grows up.

I'm still feelin' raw about it.

**LaoTzu** · 02-11-2009, 05:02 PM

Some people 'get off' on arguing. It's also a good indicator to how your mate's mind works under pressure; and I dare say you could totally love someone even while screaming in their face over who should put the top back on the toothpaste :P

I think the media has put too much weight on the 'nicey-nice' aspect of relationships.

As long as there is no physical aspect to the arguing (not even the threat of it or expectation that it might go that far...) then a healthy, loud argument is good for the soul.

Again... it depends how healthy the argument is, and whether resolution is made.
I think cutting loose in that way with your mate can be a very endearing thing.

Personally, I tend to avoid arguing with my mate. I win arguments. Period.
It seems unfair :P But when prompted, my rational mind goes into overdrive- 'P' mode enables to the point where her leaving the cap off the toothpaste really means she wants to see all midgets exterminated and fed to a herd of goats.... "Is that what you want??!?! Fat Goats??!!??! What's wrong with you woman??!?!?"

Ok, the last two posts are correct :P But someone has to play devil's advocate
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**Deliberator** · 02-11-2009, 09:03 PM

I think it's the nature of the arguments rather than the frequency that are most telling. I would think however that frequency matters somewhat as well.

My husband and I had a very rocky beginning to our relationship. We argued quite often. We loved each other, so we tried very hard to understand one another. Now we rarely get into fights. Disagreements, yes, fights rarely.

Big tip: Every time a fight arises I use it as an opportunity to understand another facet of his behavior. I express carefully that I am interested in understanding it, and not just judging it right off. That takes him off the defensive, and then we can talk more constructively.

**Monte314** · 02-11-2009, 09:05 PM

	Originally Posted by Maayan To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is it sexy malice or an argument stemming from reality distorted as a result of both people's inward struggle against against oppressive outside forces?

Huh?

*eyes narrow*

You're a politician, aren't you!? A politician, or... a WOMAN TALKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!

**stephante** · 02-11-2009, 09:19 PM

"Harshly argue".... hmmmm...

I suppose the nicer view of that would be a heated discussion, which is a sure sign that something about the relationship is right.

My boyfriend and I rarely argued or so much as disagreed on things during the honeymoon stage of our relationship, but now we happily bicker almost every other day. We have real honest-to-goodness quarrels too.

How exciting.

I once told him, after our first real argument, that I was finally comfortable enough with us for me to be angry with him. I don't get mad at people I don't care about, so I consider a bit of arguing to be a sign that our relationship is healthy. The important thing is we care enough to work things out.

**JohnDoe** · 02-11-2009, 09:22 PM

	Originally Posted by Monte314 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Huh? eyes narrow You're a politician, aren't you!? A politician, or... a WOMAN TALKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!

It could be a politician talking about relationships.

**SShack** · 02-11-2009, 09:37 PM

I think it's more of a factor of how frequently they argue about the same issues and same problems, over and over again. It indicates an unwillingness to compromise or concede on something that is obviously important to one of them or both.

**NZPixie** · 02-11-2009, 11:21 PM

Ah. Like finances. Or lack there of. He he he. We bicker away at each other alot. But we have a fairly good relationship. I think that there should be some conflict, but yeah the same thing over and over again gets old. Especially since its me that keeps bitching about it. No conflict would be awfully boring.

**Hatsumomo1** · 02-12-2009, 05:56 PM

I was in a relationship where towards the end, all we did is argue. I'd be rude and cutting, even disrespectful. I did this because our relationship was headed downhill, and I did feel disrespected. So I figured "Why be respectful if I'm not getting the same?" And yet, I know of a couple who argues constantly, especially the wife. They argue so much that not only is it incredibly irritating, but an outsider would think that they're on the brink of divorce. And yet, they have a pretty strong relationship, from what I observed over the months.

I guess it depends on how you handle conflict and why you're arguing. I argue with my boyfriend every now and again, but the ill feelings never last and we both sincerely want to reconcile. It's healthy. You do need more than a formula for determining whether bickering is healthy or unhealthy.

**Zilal** · 02-14-2009, 10:12 AM

Well... I have no idea, myself, but there have been some well-publicized studies lately showing that the health of a relationship isn't tied to how frequently or intensely a couple argues, but on their ratio of positive to negative comments. A relationship where the partners scream and throw plates when they argue but still say mostly nice things to each other in general is apparently more likely to survive than one where partners argue in a restrained way but don't compliment each other much... OR one in which people never say anything negative.

02-11-2009, 04:50 PM	#1
krapyrubsnif Member [05%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 211	If you analyze a relationship and how much the pair harshly argue - how far do you think this can be taken as a reasonable portrayal of how good the relationship is? Considering of course that certain personality types (like INTJ for example) have a tendency to avoid emotional conflict.
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02-11-2009, 05:00 PM	#2
Profit Member [07%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 301	Well I would say that if two people in a relationship argue constantly over relatively minor things it probably points to an unhappy relationship. On the other hand if a couple never argues it means one or both people are bottling up emotions and not being honest. I think this can be just as harmful to a relationship as constant bickering.
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02-11-2009, 05:01 PM	#3
Maayan Member [27%] MBTI: ENFJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 1,095	Is it sexy malice or an argument stemming from reality distorted as a result of both people's inward struggle against against oppressive outside forces? (That's a long sentence.) In the latter case, I'd take it as a reasonable portrayal of how bad both people are at anger management and tact. Which generally means that the relationship is worthless unless at least one of the people grows up. I'm still feelin' raw about it.
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02-11-2009, 05:02 PM	#4
LaoTzu Core Member [106%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 4,263	Some people 'get off' on arguing. It's also a good indicator to how your mate's mind works under pressure; and I dare say you could totally love someone even while screaming in their face over who should put the top back on the toothpaste :P I think the media has put too much weight on the 'nicey-nice' aspect of relationships. As long as there is no physical aspect to the arguing (not even the threat of it or expectation that it might go that far...) then a healthy, loud argument is good for the soul. Again... it depends how healthy the argument is, and whether resolution is made. I think cutting loose in that way with your mate can be a very endearing thing. Personally, I tend to avoid arguing with my mate. I win arguments. Period. It seems unfair :P But when prompted, my rational mind goes into overdrive- 'P' mode enables to the point where her leaving the cap off the toothpaste really means she wants to see all midgets exterminated and fed to a herd of goats.... "Is that what you want??!?! Fat Goats??!!??! What's wrong with you woman??!?!?" Ok, the last two posts are correct :P But someone has to play devil's advocate To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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02-11-2009, 09:03 PM	#5
Deliberator Core Member [122%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 4,884	I think it's the nature of the arguments rather than the frequency that are most telling. I would think however that frequency matters somewhat as well. My husband and I had a very rocky beginning to our relationship. We argued quite often. We loved each other, so we tried very hard to understand one another. Now we rarely get into fights. Disagreements, yes, fights rarely. Big tip: Every time a fight arises I use it as an opportunity to understand another facet of his behavior. I express carefully that I am interested in understanding it, and not just judging it right off. That takes him off the defensive, and then we can talk more constructively.
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02-11-2009, 09:19 PM	#7
stephante New Member [01%] MBTI: xNFx Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 29	"Harshly argue".... hmmmm... I suppose the nicer view of that would be a heated discussion, which is a sure sign that something about the relationship is right. My boyfriend and I rarely argued or so much as disagreed on things during the honeymoon stage of our relationship, but now we happily bicker almost every other day. We have real honest-to-goodness quarrels too. How exciting. I once told him, after our first real argument, that I was finally comfortable enough with us for me to be angry with him. I don't get mad at people I don't care about, so I consider a bit of arguing to be a sign that our relationship is healthy. The important thing is we care enough to work things out.
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02-11-2009, 09:37 PM	#9
SShack Core Member [111%] MBTI: ENTP Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 4,443	I think it's more of a factor of how frequently they argue about the same issues and same problems, over and over again. It indicates an unwillingness to compromise or concede on something that is obviously important to one of them or both.
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02-11-2009, 11:21 PM	#10
NZPixie Member [04%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 166	Ah. Like finances. Or lack there of. He he he. We bicker away at each other alot. But we have a fairly good relationship. I think that there should be some conflict, but yeah the same thing over and over again gets old. Especially since its me that keeps bitching about it. No conflict would be awfully boring.
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02-12-2009, 05:56 PM	#11
Hatsumomo1 Member [16%] MBTI: InTj Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 657	I was in a relationship where towards the end, all we did is argue. I'd be rude and cutting, even disrespectful. I did this because our relationship was headed downhill, and I did feel disrespected. So I figured "Why be respectful if I'm not getting the same?" And yet, I know of a couple who argues constantly, especially the wife. They argue so much that not only is it incredibly irritating, but an outsider would think that they're on the brink of divorce. And yet, they have a pretty strong relationship, from what I observed over the months. I guess it depends on how you handle conflict and why you're arguing. I argue with my boyfriend every now and again, but the ill feelings never last and we both sincerely want to reconcile. It's healthy. You do need more than a formula for determining whether bickering is healthy or unhealthy.
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02-14-2009, 10:12 AM	#12
Zilal Member [23%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 949	Well... I have no idea, myself, but there have been some well-publicized studies lately showing that the health of a relationship isn't tied to how frequently or intensely a couple argues, but on their ratio of positive to negative comments. A relationship where the partners scream and throw plates when they argue but still say mostly nice things to each other in general is apparently more likely to survive than one where partners argue in a restrained way but don't compliment each other much... OR one in which people never say anything negative.
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