[CommonTrends]

As a female who is going through a recent break up (relationship lasted about two years), I am trying to understand the manner in which I dealt with the arguments I had with my significant other.

Whenever I had fights with my boyfriend, I seemed to have an intense need to "escape" from the situation. I have always just walked away from my SOs when there was conflict. Thus, problems are never fully resolved, only forgotten about and/or ignored.

For my fellow (male and female) INTJs - how do you (or did you) find yourself dealing with relationship conflicts? As an INTJ, I'm not exactly sure how to battle my apparent indifference or lack of concern for other peoples' emotions, and it's starting to show through in my personal relationships. Oh well...

[probity]

My SO and I had a very strong understanding that we wanted to make our relationship work and that meant when we came to conflicts we wouldn't hesitate to dig up root problem of whatever issue we were dealing with, why that was an issue, and then help each other to change whatever our attitudes or behaviors were that were causing the problem.

An example: my SO at one point had a huge problem with jealousy. We discussed the reasons for his jealousy, reasons both originating from both of our mindsets and behavior, did the research we needed in order to find alternative and healthier mindsets and behaviors, and then took steps individually and as partners to change the way we thought of and acted towards/around each other. Whenever he fell back into his jealous mindset or I fell back into jealousy provoking behaviors we would confess to or confront the other, reexamine our motivations/process, decide if something needed to be adjusted, and continued forward.

It was a bit of a clinical process but it also required a lot of emotional investment, willingness to understand each other, and pursue growth in and out of our relationship. It worked very well, I can't think of a way I'd rather approach conflicts in a relationship.

[Dresha]

Hello and welcome to the board.

Personally, getting your S/O to get over the "OMG, you're so emotionally unavailable - SCREAM AT ME! STOP WITH THIS REASON BULLSHIT" has been a difficult hurdle for me to jump over. But before even attempting that, I just "ran away" the same way you described. Our (INTJ) fight-or-flight response seems to enjoy the ladder.

I've tried over the years to see where the other person was coming from, allow them to vent their emotions a little (which of course is not the easiest thing for us to listen to).

When responding, try not to use something constructed of logic or reason: There usually ISN'T logic or reason in arguments or conflicts (at least when dealing with most). If you try to use it, break everything down logically - you will seem like a bitch/jerk. You need to be able to express how you feel, while staying emotionally on point to where the other person is coming from.

Having all of that been stated, it generally still fails from my point of view as I come off as a smug asshole; so good luck to you.

[Krazy P]

Train yourself to ask open-ended feeling questions. Respond to their answer with a re-statement of what they said and include a different feeling word.

"I understand you are frustrated and upset with me."

Then ask yet another open-ended feeling question.

Repeat.

This is a simple technique - just execute on it and don't try to defend or justify yourself or your actions. Practice it. It works.

This is very hard for people like us to do. But once you learn and practice this, it will make your life much, much easier.

To do this, you have to pretend you are a professional or a counselor and put your emotions to the side. Wall them off and deal with them later.

"Questions bring people to you, statements drive them away."

[Vagrant]

I try to address a problem as soon as I see it in the most efficient way possible. My problem is that I'm not always aware of said problem, and need to be told about it. My last ex (also an INTJ), unfortunately, would not tell me her problems until she broke up with me. Of course I was pretty damn peeved about that. I knew something was wrong, and was trying my best to get it out of her, but she just wouldn't tell me.

[Josephine1012]

I have a tendency to mirror my parnter's approach to the problem, if they are open to discussing and trying to find the root cause of the issue then so am I. If they retreat and pout then so do I. If they yell and scream I cry.... Hehe

[Zilal]

Heh, I dunno... I seem to be attracted to people who handle conflict well, so that kind of sets me up for not having too many problems. I've never been pissed at anyone or had them pissed at me. I've been in some little tiffs and I'll argue for a few minutes until I get a hold of myself and say something more constructive.

I do imagine that in a real heated situation I'd withdraw or clam up, or try to stay completely rational, and I imagine that'd be quite hurtful to my partner. It's frustrating as hell to have somebody refuse to participate in a relationship... but, lawdy, it's hard as hell for me to lose control or show much emotion around other people. I'm not sure I could do it if I wanted to.

[naughtysnail]

I don't do conflict. Not in my marriage, which is part of the reason I married this chap. In the very rare circumstance we do argue, it becomes a competition as to who bursts into tears and apologises prefusely first. Personally, if I smell argument coming I turn my back and walk away, or say whatever it takes to placate whoever I'm with. I'm told this is unhealthy, but this is a lie. I don't sit on my issues and fume. They vanish if I'm given a chance to sleep on them. I'm more likely to resent things which are argued about again and again. For example, I never notice mess, whereas it drives my husband pottie. As a result, he ends up doing most of the cleaning. I've told him if he'll just point it out when it gets ridiculous, I'll help -- within reason. However, he sees this as my purposely trying to get out of chores, and we snipe about it sometimes, and it sometimes brews up into crossness which I hate. Hubbie's got wise to my placating and hiding, and now tries to make it into proper argument, which I HATE!

When I was younger, my parents never, ever argued. My family do not have internal feuds. My family don't yell, either. So I was never brought up in an environment of conflict, and so just don't know how to deal with it. If other people are fighting, it makes me VERY uncomfortable. I just don't know what to do.

When I was a teenager, I had a boyfriend who I argued with CONSTANTLY, because he would insist that he was smarter than me when he was plainly an imbecile. I used to be quite vicious then, and pick fights and be super-extra touchy. Also, in political or literary debates I'm quite fierce. I stick hard by my principles, and am very quick to take in new information and work a contingency plan. As my mother puts it, I have numerous strategies to prove that I am right in any given situation. Previous employers have told me that this can come across as aggressive and intimidating -- this isn't intentional.

[Maayan]

	Originally Posted by Josephine1012 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have a tendency to mirror my parnter's approach to the problem, if they are open to discussing and trying to find the root cause of the issue then so am I. If they retreat and pout then so do I. If they yell and scream I cry.... Hehe

Same-ish; but, I do the opposite of what they're doing. I can't bring myself to indulge in my emotions if I know perfectly well that they're just going to make a situation even worse, so it's easier for me to express my upset to a rational person than to an irrational person. I prefer to come to a rational solution no matter what, because it means working on a problem without getting worked up about it (drowning in a cesspool of fuddled emotions is one of the most counter-productive sensations in the world, especially when you can't tell which ones are justified anymore; no less when you're pulling down with you somebody else), but what other parts of my mind want are a different story, and sometimes it feels next to impossible to get my whole mind to work in unison towards a cause. So... I act weird and uncomfortable.