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The INTJ man - intimacy in bed sex
Old 02-04-2009, 07:09 PM   #1
Bliss
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I'm curious.

Do INTJ men tend to seek intimacy in bed?

Now I realize everyone is different and has different tastes here. But what I am wondering if there is a tendency for the INTJ man in general to WANT deep intimacy with their partner while in bed. Looking deep into each others eyes for example, holding each other, or is this too much closeness? I'm sure it depends on the level of the relationship too.

Do they like to be in control here too, or is this a place they would like to give up some control.

Do they look for a partner who has honed their skills in bed as much as they have?

Thoughts?
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:16 PM   #2
Storm
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I think this is too personal of a question for MBTI to matter much.
It's like asking "What do INTJs like about kayaking?"
There lots of profiles, however, that will tell you very generally what INTJs are like in relationships and as lovers. But they all use very broad brushes.
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:18 PM   #3
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Are we talking solely about sex, or cuddling and everything else?

If we're talking about sex -- we go the full mile to make it the best we can.
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Cuddling and stuff? Well, maybe for a little while, like a half hour, but I may get bored or horny again.
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:19 PM   #4
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I can't speak for all INTJ men, but for me simply sharing a bed is very intimate. Actually, even just sharing a sofa (no contact) can be a bit too close for comfort if it's the wrong person! As for the sex side of things, I find it incredibly emotionally intimate. Except for a couple of times when, on reflection, I was just using her because she was hot! (Yes, yes, a terrible and callous thing to do) But overall, with the right person (and that's the important part) I can really open up and be very intimate.
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:25 PM   #5
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  Originally Posted by Bliss
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Do INTJ men tend to seek intimacy in bed?

Now I realize everyone is different and has different tastes here. But what I am wondering if there is a tendency for the INTJ man in general to WANT deep intimacy with their partner while in bed.

Based on what I've seen from other threads and sites, I'm guess that I'm a minority on this, so the answer is most likely a definite no.


  Originally Posted by Bliss
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Looking deep into each others eyes for example, holding each other, or is this too much closeness? I'm sure it depends on the level of the relationship too.

Personally and preferably yes, although it is or can be difficult to look into one's eyes while connecting from behind a girl, although albeit nice, looking into one another's eyes isn't necessarily necessary either. To clarify, I'm not referring to anal nor am I into that.

"

  Originally Posted by Bliss
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Do they like to be in control here too, or is this a place they would like to give up some control.

Mutual control is personally preferred. Then again, I altogether dislike the use of the word control in regards to sex, it has this abhorrent BDSM connotation. I know that most other people seem to be into this S&M nonsense but it personally irks me.

If you were looking for the tendencies, this would have been an especially appropriate thread for a poll

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Old 02-04-2009, 07:37 PM   #6
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  Originally Posted by Bliss
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I'm curious.

Do INTJ men tend to seek intimacy in bed?

Now I realize everyone is different and has different tastes here. But what I am wondering if there is a tendency for the INTJ man in general to WANT deep intimacy with their partner while in bed. Looking deep into each others eyes for example, holding each other, or is this too much closeness? I'm sure it depends on the level of the relationship too.

Do they like to be in control here too, or is this a place they would like to give up some control.

Do they look for a partner who has honed their skills in bed as much as they have?

Thoughts?

~bliss~

See... this is a good 'sex' question
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Everyone has their own proclivities no doubt, but...
I do seek intimacy in bed, rather than in everyday acts. Not for the sake of getting 'laid', because I couldn't care less about that....I've had enough experience for three lifetimes, and I don't 'notch' my bedpost.

I value the 'moment' more than the 'act'... so yes, I do value the holding and close-ness in whatever way I can find it. I think it's one of the more genuine experiences (when done properly) that two people can really share. I have sought it in all of my relationships, and it's not easy to find. I have had relationships fail because of it, and my inability to relate what it is that I am looking for.

As for domination/submission? It doesn't matter. Anything goes really, again, as long as it's genuine...(not fake/pretend)

I tend to think a more experienced partner would be more prepared to open up. (but it's still an ongoing debate in my mind) , so that is what I would be drawn to. However, there is something to be said for the fumbling nature of those with less experience... it is... you guessed it....

genuine :P

(and easy to spot!)

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Old 02-04-2009, 07:49 PM   #7
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No experience in this regard, but, for what it's worth, my fantasies have been running about 3:1 "intimacy" to "sex". I can't think of a scenario where I wouldn't put it into practice, but, being a guy, I wouldn't admit that it's a need and would never use the "cee-yoo-dee-dee-ell-ee" word.
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Old 02-04-2009, 08:19 PM   #8
walden
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  Originally Posted by pletharoe
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I can't speak for all INTJ men, but for me simply sharing a bed is very intimate. Actually, even just sharing a sofa (no contact) can be a bit too close for comfort if it's the wrong person! As for the sex side of things, I find it incredibly emotionally intimate. Except for a couple of times when, on reflection, I was just using her because she was hot! (Yes, yes, a terrible and callous thing to do) But overall, with the right person (and that's the important part) I can really open up and be very intimate.

What he said.

Minus the using part.

And I don't think it is physically possible to share a bed and not have something happen. Or maybe I'm just rare and easy.

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Old 02-04-2009, 08:27 PM   #9
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I have to reiterate a previous poster: I do not think this is an MBTI/INTJ thing. Everyone is different and capable (or not capable) of differing levels of intimacy.
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Old 02-04-2009, 08:30 PM   #10
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I'm not INTJ, but close enough...

I'm fairly detached and I have a very hard time being intimate emotionally. I don't mind physical contact, sharing of personal space, etc. however (as long as they're clean). For example, I can share a bed with pretty much anyone without thinking much of it. I think this is because I can almost detach myself from my body. It feels too fake and cliche to really connect with someone on a personal and emotional basis and my extreme self-awareness prevents me from letting my feelings take over.
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Old 02-04-2009, 08:51 PM   #11
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Every single woman that I've been with likes to hold a conversation whenever its time for me to go to sleep. I don't understand it. I'm sleepy, about to drift off, and then the most inane conversation begins about no subject that can't wait until morning... Is that intimacy?
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Old 02-04-2009, 08:59 PM   #12
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  Originally Posted by Kisai
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Every single woman that I've been with likes to hold a conversation whenever its time for me to go to sleep. I don't understand it. I'm sleepy, about to drift off, and then the most inane conversation begins about no subject that can't wait until morning... Is that intimacy?

Tell me about it. Is it wrong that I just want to pass out sometimes after because I'm tired. Talking should be for the day not my night time.

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Old 02-04-2009, 09:07 PM   #13
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I'm a girl, but I'm in the mood to have my say anyway.

It would have to be a particularly stellar relationship that I'd spent some time growing into before I'd be entirely comfortable with the whole intimate cuddling thing. I was with my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years, and he only managed to talk me into staying the night once, because I just don't sleep well with people around.

That said, it would be nice to get to that comfortably but intensely intimate point with a particular, right person. I get kind of touch-starved from time to time. Not enough to feel desperate, but still. It'd be nice to have that, to some moderate extent.
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Old 02-04-2009, 09:13 PM   #14
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I think in-bed conversations are one of the best things in the world. I'd trade all the sex in the world for after-sex conversations. Sex is boring in comparison, and to relate it to the original question, I'd say that sex is less intimate than the topics which are usually discussed afterwards (queue "if it's boring, something is wrong!" comments). Maybe I just let my guard down easily in these situations.
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Old 02-04-2009, 10:44 PM   #15
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I would most definitely seek physical intimacy in bed. Physical touch is such an incredibly powerful bonding experience. It feels so amazingly comforting to have someone's arms around you, especially when you already know that they care about you. As a younger child, I would often be held by my mother. When I grew older and cuddling with mom was no longer acceptable, I went for many years without any of this touch therapy. I didn't realize at all what I was missing until a female friend in high school walked straight up to me at the end of homecoming dance, wrapped her arms around me, and then drew me close to her for a long "huggle". Looking into each others eyes, cuddling, nuzzling, running fingers through hair are all things that I want in a long term relationship. In fact, I think I could better express my affection through physical closeness and touch than through words alone.

Controlling or dominating another individual doesn't seem very appealing to me. Even less so in the context of a relationship or in the bedroom. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself if my partner felt uncomfortable or was entirely passive, "taking it" if you will. I think bilateral communication to better understand each others needs is better than having one partner controlling every aspect of the physical relationship. Intimacy should be about give and take, about treating each other's needs as equally important, not about one active and one passive participant. Granted though, I've heard from other guys that whether they admit to it or not, women like aggressive and dominant lovers, so maybe I'm approaching this from a much too egalitarian standpoint.
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Old 02-04-2009, 10:44 PM   #16
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I love intimacy. Cuddling & snuggling are two of my favorite things.
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Old 02-04-2009, 10:51 PM   #17
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For me, it's the mental connection. When I have been lucky enough to find a woman with whom I connect mentally, the Feeling function starts to kick in. I normally have a hard time looking directly at someone's eyes when talking, simply because I need to focus on something inanimate to think. There are exceptions, such as my daughter. However, once that mental connection is made, I lock eyes with her and all of a sudden I become a Casanova. I also get to that moment where I feel really lucky to be with that person.

I only wish that the opportunities for that to happen weren't so few and far between.
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Old 02-05-2009, 01:25 AM   #18
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Absolutely.
I really dislike physical contact. The only exception being my GF. I want to get as close as possible.
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Old 02-05-2009, 01:55 AM   #19
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  Originally Posted by Kisai
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Every single woman that I've been with likes to hold a conversation whenever its time for me to go to sleep. I don't understand it. I'm sleepy, about to drift off, and then the most inane conversation begins about no subject that can't wait until morning... Is that intimacy?

No, it's not intimacy. It's her telling you that she needs a good, hard f*cking, and you aren't getting the hint.

My ex-wife was exactly the same.

I will note that this started right about the point in time that I completely lost desire to have sex with her because she had gained so much weight.

Satisfy a woman sexually, and she will usually be quiet and go to sleep afterwards. Finish before she does, and you will get some more of this inane conversation preventing you from going to sleep.





alphawolf added to this post, 7 minutes and 9 seconds later...

  Originally Posted by Bliss
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I'm curious.

Do INTJ men tend to seek intimacy in bed?

Now I realize everyone is different and has different tastes here. But what I am wondering if there is a tendency for the INTJ man in general to WANT deep intimacy with their partner while in bed. Looking deep into each others eyes for example, holding each other, or is this too much closeness? I'm sure it depends on the level of the relationship too.


Most people use the word intimacy without having a clue what it means.

Intimacy is not about physical contact or physical closeness. It is about conversations where you speak to each other without going through the ego. It is about sharing the real you, and being accepted, not trying to fix the other one. It is about bonding on a deep level.

Sometimes sex will put people in a relaxed enough mood to want to become intimate. However, you can also have an intimate conversation while standing in the garage, for example.

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Old 02-05-2009, 07:42 AM   #20
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I like cuddles with the wife and generally don't like others touching me. I think that letting someone into my space is intimate.
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Old 02-05-2009, 08:42 AM   #21
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I'm a female, but I agree with Alpha on this one. I think everyone would like to be accepted for who they are, and deeply known. For me, sex and being deeply known are two completely separate entities, but obviously (and hopefully) come together at some point. If I have that bond with someone, I do want to express it physically but it's not a necessity.
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Old 02-06-2009, 11:44 PM   #22
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I have almost no experience with this sort of thing (it sort of takes two to tango...), but I can say without any doubt that it's something I'm looking forward to, and not just sex either but the whole kit and caboodle. I'd probably never make that admission to anyone in person, but since you're all just names on a page to me at this point I think I can get away with it.

As far as control goes, I dunno anything about that. It's never been a thing I've thought of thinking about since I'm not sharing a bed with anyone who doesn't go with me so well that nobody cares about reservations anymore.

Now since I haven't got any skills to hone, I can't answer that last bit using skill for any kind of measure. I can say for moral reasons though that I'm looking for someone just as clueless as me with a willingness to learn how we both work. Someone said once that anything worth doing is worth doing badly at least once.

I dunno if this helps, but it's where I stand.
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Old 02-11-2009, 11:22 AM   #23
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I agree w alpha. Good shit mate.

Bliss, I'm not sure if you're confusing intimacy with what sounds like romance (a romance novel?) to me.

Intimacy can be enhanced by good sex, which in my book, has much of the element of knowing what the other person likes and wants physically and you providing that while also receiving...assuming you're already close to the person emotionally. The physical act can help to take this already present emotional closeness to another level.
Then you _know_ the person better. physically, emotionally, mentally.
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Old 02-11-2009, 11:41 AM   #24
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  Originally Posted by alphawolf
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Satisfy a woman sexually, and she will usually be quiet and go to sleep afterwards. Finish before she does, and you will get some more of this inane conversation preventing you from going to sleep.

LOL. a good point.
but I would add that satisfaction should also be emotional not just sexual.


  Originally Posted by alphawolf
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Most people use the word intimacy without having a clue what it means.

Intimacy is not about physical contact or physical closeness. It is about conversations where you speak to each other without going through the ego. It is about sharing the real you, and being accepted, not trying to fix the other one. It is about bonding on a deep level.

Sometimes sex will put people in a relaxed enough mood to want to become intimate. However, you can also have an intimate conversation while standing in the garage, for example.

This is a great description of intimacy. You really nailed it.
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Old 02-11-2009, 11:50 AM   #25
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I wish that I had something profound and definitive to say that hasn't been already said. But I don't. I will only add my voice to the chorous that sings, "Intimacy is not necessarily sex, and sex is not necessarily intimacy". One is (often, but not always) a component of the other and vice-versa.

I agree wholeheartedly with alpha in saying that intimacy is being able to live comfortably, and without fear "inside" of someone else's head. Too often, I have sought after intimacy, and have found only sex instead - and have been greatly disappointed and discouraged. Not because sex is bad (or, that "the sex" was bad), but because I craved that intimacy.

I wrote "too often", when I truly meant "always". This, I consider to be my one great failure in life.
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