INFP romance problem

**2501** · 01-19-2009, 07:42 AM

Hello, please allow me to relate my story. I hope I don't bore you...

Back in september I started college. Because of some reversals of fortune, I haven't really had the chance to focus on a higher education up until now (I tried a few times in the past but because one reason or other I ended up flunking out). As a result, I am a couple years older than most of my classmates and I feel slightly out of place. Despite, it has proceeded relatively smoothly.

I've been a hermit for almost two years. When I started the course, I wanted to be left alone; I sat alone in class in one of the sides of the front row, next to the window, and didn't talk to anybody. For a month of so I managed to "stick to bussiness" and ignore my classmates; I only maintained relationship with some of the teachers, who I seldomly asked questions at the end of class. Some time after, I befriended an ISFP (he was kind of an outcast b/c he didn't fit in the SJ/SP male "clan" that had formed early on), and later on an ISTP (who insistently wanted to sit next to me in class even though there is no angle of vision, that's why I purposelly picked that seat. He is somewhat an outcast too). I still try to keep my distance with my classmates, to the point of having been nicknamed "Mr.Mistery" (a pretty cool nickname if I might add).

Anyway... everything was okay up until november, when I got "involved" with an INFP girl who is not free.

There are only 4 IN's and we all sit in the front row: an INTP female, very intelligent and hardworking, an INFJ female, an INTJ male, and the INFP girl(and me). She is very pretty and very kind. She tried approching me a few times, and I shoved her off the best I could (usually by giving her "The Wall"), other times I was even antagonistic towards her (using my knowledge of MBTI I exposed her weakness), before I even knew she had a boyfriend. I wanted her to stay way from me. I analyzed her and I had her pegged as INFP (also as enneagram 9) soon and I also noticed she had some type of problem/s, and I, having enough problems of my own (family, economic, health, psychological, recovering from a failed relationship...), if there was someone in class I especially wanted to avoid, it was her... unfortunately. Now in retrospect I realize that in fact, I was very attracted to her and I avoided her also because of this reason.

All was to no avail. Her interest in me didn't seem to wane. She seemed to be waiting for any excuse to initiate conversation with me. She chased me around, closed distance physically with me for no apparent reason too. At this point, I did not know yet she was "taken". In fact, judging from her behavior, I had guessed she was single and suffering from some level of "avoidant personality disorder" (because she appeared to be avoidant with most people).

Then one day she asked a favour of me in the middle of class. She wanted me to translate for her a text in English (she knew I spoke English, this is all in a non-English speaking country, and her friend, the INFJ, who also knows English, wasn't in class). The text was a reservation for a hotel. I translated it for her and gave it to her. All my classmates left and we were left alone in class. I asked her what it was, and she told me it was a trip she was going to have with her boyfriend. I felt a bit used, really. I noticed she was extremely nervous during this encounter; she went to get a pen and it was almost as if she had parkinson. I tried to capture her eyes insistently but she was very elusive.

A few weeks later, we had a class meeting in a popular club for college students. She organized this meeting. I hesitated whether to go or not, in the end I went. After asking her a few probing questions I could tell that she wanted me to go. She arrived late (predictably so, she is always late), and I acted as a host for everyone until she arrived. I had my mates enter the club (it was very cold where we were waiting and people were hungry), I talked with the personnel and explained the situation, then went outside the club to wait for her (to be honest, all this was also a plan of mine). She arrived, and she was very beautiful, as always. "Where is everyone?" --she asked. "Ah! Don't worry, I took them inside. Everyone is already here". Then we entered the club, and the two free seats at the table were next to each other (I felt like I had been set up or something because I did not really want to sit next to her). We sat next to each other at the table, and througout the evening, there was obvious chemistry that I think even our mates noticed. I even flirted with her, and I was surprised to discover that I was able to do this flirting thing. I felt at home with her.

The plan for the night was to eat at this club, and then go to a disco. Before going to the disco we went to drink to some park where college students gathered. Her boyfriend arrived while we were there. I did not like that fellow. I have an instinct with people and there was something about him that made me uneasy. He saw me and by the look of his eyes I could tell he did not like me either. I was sneakely watching the couple to see how they behaved, to try to discern what kind of relationship they had. I did not like what I saw, overall.

I figured it was better if I left earlier and did not go to the disco (I had already warned her and my friends that probably I wouldn't go as there was class the next day and the entrance to the disco was expensive). The next day in class she was very weird, and not only because she probably had not slept anything, I could tell it was something else.

We did not talk in the next week. Then, my ISFP friend asked me if I could ask her for photos of the meetup (this ISFP is an aesthete and he likes photography). I wondered why he didn't ask her himself. So i went and asked her for her photos, but I was going to tell her to send them to my ISFP friend, not me (still at this point wanted to keep my distance with her).

And then it happened. I went to talk to her after a week without exchanging a word, and I looked her in the eyes. "Woosh!" I felt the arrow penetrating my heart (I could swear it hurt), and by the look of her, I think there were two arrows in the ecuation. We instantly diverted our eyes to the side. "...okay... send the photos to him", I said, and ran away. Goddamned Cupid.

That evening I received an email from her (to the university email) telling me that she couldn't send me the photos, if I could give her my MSN and she sent them there. Didn't I tell her to send them to my ISFP friend? Stupid of me, I gave it to her.

She waited two days to add me, and I think she noticed the next day in class that something was wrong with me (she is very smart and she makes plans/traps too). The next few days we avoided each other. Then one day I was in chemistry class. In the laboratory, I sit at the back, and she in the front. I was looking at her from behind, and honestly, I was being overwhelmed with emotions. I wanted to run and hug her and kiss her. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, just as if she was reading my mind or something, she turned her back and looked straight at me(wtf?). Whoosh! Another arrow just like the first one. Ouch!

Anyways, this has led to us running away every time we bump into each other in class, usually after a deliberately shallow conversation on something class-related. During these encounters you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. It seems as if the world around dissapears... blurs, gaze locked on gaze. Paradoxically, since "the arrow", she grooms herself more to come to class, and she seems happier(?¿). I don't understand.

And this is where we are now. I know she has not left her boyfriend because she has "I love you X, (L) blah blah" in her messenger nickname, and puts pictures of him with her, but there's something wrong with those pictures. She has not sent me the photos either and we've exchanged a few collegue related onversations that usually end with one of us abruptly running away and disconnecting. However, she has tried to turn the conversations "more personal", attempts that I have thwarted.

Why doesn't she leave her boyfriend if she is not happy with him or she has fallen for me? Maybe she is caught in a bad relationship and she doesn't know how to get out of and needs help? Is she waiting for something? What should I do? Is this all in my head?? Am I doomed to a platonic relationship?

I could really use some help, because I really really really like this girl, I think..

feel free to ask any questions

thanks in advance...

**jikin** · 01-19-2009, 08:42 AM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why doesn't she leave her boyfriend if she is not happy with him or she has fallen for me?

While I see no proof in what you've written that she has fallen for you, I'll answer as if you are correct.

Why won't she leave him if she loves you? INFPs are idealists. They are the type most likely to stay in a less than perfect relationship. They will even knowingly stay in a bad one. The idealist wants everything to work out and will stay as long as possible hoping something will change. They give the other person more chances than they deserve.

Also to keep in mind is that INFPs are considered the least likely to be satisfied in a relationship. In reality she may be perfectly content with him, but is craving something that's not there. INFPs tend to crave change on a very consistant basis.

If you are certain that there is something there between you you could always try being up front about it. Keep in mind that even if you are correct she may back off from you for a bit, but it may give her enough of a push to get something started.

**intjdude** · 01-19-2009, 11:22 AM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why doesn't she leave her boyfriend if she is not happy with him or she has fallen for me? Maybe she is caught in a bad relationship and she doesn't know how to get out of and needs help? Is she waiting for something? What should I do? Is this all in my head?? Am I doomed to a platonic relationship?

i've wondered the same about some other people's contradictory behaviors... why do they do 'this' if they have 'that' problem... it's mind boggling
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... and rather irritating over the long run... the only answer i've come up with is that some people just 'do' because they 'feel like it'... not everyone wants to make sense

so i'll ask you this ... presuming you are correct in everything you've said and nothing important is missing... presuming you get the girl eventually, will her illogical behavior eventually drive you mad?

OR, perhaps you've just read her wrong... otherwise, the text translating request is rather cruel. Personally, I wouldn't ask another girl (that i had a crush on) to help me with something 'personal' (like a hotel room) that is for my current gf and i... i think it would only hurt my chances.

**wotsamattaU** · 01-19-2009, 03:47 PM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I noticed she was extremely nervous during this encounter; she went to get a pen and it was almost as if she had parkinson. I tried to capture her eyes insistently but she was very elusive.

It sounds as if the INFJ girl had been there, she would have been the one to translate for her. I doubt she wanted to bring the text to you, but figured she could deal with it. (any emotions/feelings she has for you) When you were one on one however, she quickly found out she wasn't as in control of her emotions as she had wished. (mortifying experience btw)

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	The next day in class she was very weird, and not only because she probably had not slept anything, I could tell it was something else.

Yes - confused and now conflicted. She has a boyfriend but why is she feeling this enormous pull towards you? What is she to do about it? Is she making something out of nothing? Maybe you don't have the same feelings. You've pushed her away previously.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	During these encounters you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. It seems as if the world around dissapears... blurs, gaze locked on gaze. Paradoxically, since "the arrow", she grooms herself more to come to class, and she seems happier(?¿). I don't understand.

She turned around because she could feel the heat of your gaze and the emotions behind it. The attraction is reciprocated; she senses this. It brings with it a sense of hope. She wants to look her best for you. All her senses are heightened each time you are together due to this charge of electricity.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I know she has not left her boyfriend because she has "I love you X, (L) blah blah" in her messenger nickname, and puts pictures of him with her, but there's something wrong with those pictures. She has not sent me the photos either

What is wrong in these pictures?

What did you pick up about him in particular, and them together as a couple which did not compute? Are you able to be objective about them?

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why doesn't she leave her boyfriend if she is not happy with him or she has fallen for me? Maybe she is caught in a bad relationship and she doesn't know how to get out of and needs help? Is she waiting for something? What should I do? Is this all in my head?? Am I doomed to a platonic relationship?

Maybe she was happy with him (& possibly still could be) but it is a very different type of relationship. Odds are he isn't a fellow intuitive. If he isn't, then this means you and she are reacting to each other in a way which may be a first for her.

You are connecting on a very profound, base, raw sense which is rare to find. This may have taken her completely by surprise. Her initial overtures to you were likely a case of like attracting like on a platonic level. The heat/energy of your connection probably floored her and has her all confused.

I say, ask her about those photos. That's your 'In' to further legitimate conversation right now. Once you two get talking you can segue that into asking her about her relationship with her boyfriend and if she considers herself free to see other people.

The best way to cut to the chase in all this is to bring it out in the open. If you do it in e-mail you don't have the benefit of judging her reactions, but it does allow her time to gather her thoughts and express herself more clearly. You would also be able to tell her more easily perhaps your views on relationships - whether you require a monogamous one or not.

**Pandemonium** · 01-19-2009, 04:08 PM

RUN!

If she is looking for another partner while she has a boy friend; what does that say about her?

**2501** · 01-20-2009, 02:02 AM

Originally Posted by jikin
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Why won't she leave him if she loves you? INFPs are idealists. They are the type most likely to stay in a less than perfect relationship. They will even knowingly stay in a bad one. The idealist wants everything to work out and will stay as long as possible hoping something will change. They give the other person more chances than they deserve.

Also to keep in mind is that INFPs are considered the least likely to be satisfied in a relationship. In reality she may be perfectly content with him, but is craving something that's not there. INFPs tend to crave change on a very consistant basis.

This is something I don't understand. The INFP is not satisfied, but at the same time they love their partners, but at the same time they are making advances towards other potential partners, but at the same time they are waiting for their relationship to suddenly improve/fullfill them deeper? It's confusing :S

	Originally Posted by jikin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you are certain that there is something there between you you could always try being up front about it. Keep in mind that even if you are correct she may back off from you for a bit, but it may give her enough of a push to get something started.

Yes, b/c of a recent ocurrence, my certainty level is now close to 100%. Also thanks to wotsamattaU
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. I want to be upfront ( being upfront is always my #1 preferred choice of action) but for three reasons I have held myself: a) To see if the feelings dissipated. b) So as to not be at her mercy(bad experience in the past). c) Because I would feel I am betraying my ethics. I can't bring myself to make obvious advances towards a woman with a partner. So far it has been a very subtle kind of thing. This would be a more active thing by my part. Still, if I have to be, even if it is just to end this once and for all, I will be.

	Originally Posted by intjdude To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	so i'll ask you this ... presuming you are correct in everything you've said and nothing important is missing... presuming you get the girl eventually, will her illogical behavior eventually drive you mad?

Yes I can relate to what you're saying about illogical behavior in people. I will seriously consider this question.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It sounds as if the INFJ girl had been there, she would have been the one to translate for her. I doubt she wanted to bring the text to you, but figured she could deal with it. (any emotions/feelings she has for you) When you were one on one however, she quickly found out she wasn't as in control of her emotions as she had wished. (mortifying experience btw)

Yes, exactly what I had thought. I was very clever here and I saw she was in a hurry, she wanted to end our conversation before all the people in class left. I purposelly delayed it so that we were left alone to judge her reaction(I'm a bit evil sometimes, but in a way good way :P).

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes - confused and now conflicted. She has a boyfriend but why is she feeling this enormous pull towards you? What is she to do about it? Is she making something out of nothing? Maybe you don't have the same feelings. You've pushed her away previously.

I agree, at this point I think she had doubts, in part b/c of my behavior. But since "the arrows" have happened, she has been composing herself more and more progresively. Like she has thought to herself; "okay, I'm going to confront the situation".

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She turned around because she could feel the heat of your gaze and the emotions behind it. The attraction is reciprocated; she senses this. It brings with it a sense of hope. She wants to look her best for you. All her senses are heightened each time you are together due to this charge of electricity.

Yes, it is in fact amazing and scary at the same time.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What is wrong in these pictures? What did you pick up about him in particular, and them together as a couple which did not compute? Are you able to be objective about them?

She does not seem happy in the pictures. Even more, I am pretty sure she has chosen those specific pictures on purpose to show them to me. There an obvious difference in her face between a photo where I am with her in the meetup (from the photos my ISFP took with his camera) and those ones. I sent her these photos btw, and in one of them you can see "love" all over my face (I felt like I had been discovered :O). I actually suspect my ISFP friend, who is very clever, noticed.

He struck me as the jealous/possesive/controlling type of boyfriend. In the short timespan they were there and I was around, he got jealous of me and by the body languge she was trying to calm him. I think it is pertitent to mention here that, apparently, I am somewhat not bad-looking and other girls have shown interest in my in college apart from her (the INFJ girl for example, but she is incredibly shy). I think it is not so much the fact that I am not bad-looking apparently, but that I am blonde and blondes are rare in my country. This fact made me suspicious of her in the beginning too, b/c I am sort of the Misterious Blonde Guy who girls are trying to entice, and he ignores them all, and maybe she just wanted to prove herself she could do it. I do not have this doubt anymore.

I think I am being mostly objective(within reasonable limits) about all this.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Maybe she was happy with him (& possibly still could be) but it is a very different type of relationship. Odds are he isn't a fellow intuitive. If he isn't, then this means you and she are reacting to each other in a way which may be a first for her.

Yes, their relationship looked to me to be a sort of a "earthy partnership" where the focus is mutual benefit, and not deep, strong bonds or emotions. This kind of partnership may be satisfying enough for an S, but I completely understand why it can not be for an INFP. What I don't understand is why she maintains the relationship. He seems to have money to spare (this trip they are having is VERY expensive and I think he is paying for it). He has a car and is a "cool guy". I think he is an SP, and if not an SJ.

I also desire her well being. I would not want to spoil this partnership of her if I'm not going to be up to the task. I don't have money, I have problems... there is not much I can give her really, except "love" I guess. This worries me, angers me, and annoys me.

I'm also not willing to be a conceited lover for her. Either we do it right or nothing.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You are connecting on a very profound, base, raw sense which is rare to find. This may have taken her completely by surprise. Her initial overtures to you were likely a case of like attracting like on a platonic level. The heat/energy of your connection probably floored her and has her all confused.

Yes I think this indeed the case, it completely floored me as well. This is the stuff of movies like "The English Patient". Ironically, I once told someone that I would only be willing to betray my principles and get involved with a not-free woman if something like that movie happened to me. Damn, I should keep my mouth shut. To tell you the truth, it is a bit... unnerving. The magnetic thing, whatever it was we felt, it was scary. We were both scared. Is that normal? We can read our minds, it's very hard to explain. I can tell what she is thinking/feeling just by looking at her, I can even "see" things that I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me to know. I believe she has noticed and she fears me a bit b/c of this reason.

Originally Posted by wotsamattaU
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I say, ask her about those photos. That's your 'In' to further legitimate conversation right now. Once you two get talking you can segue that into asking her about her relationship with her boyfriend and if she considers herself free to see other people.

The best way to cut to the chase in all this is to bring it out in the open. If you do it in e-mail you don't have the benefit of judging her reactions, but it does allow her time to gather her thoughts and express herself more clearly. You would also be able to tell her more easily perhaps your views on relationships - whether you require a monogamous one or not.

Thanks, I will try. What I have noticed is that there is no way to stop this, it doesn't "go away". I must take control of the situation. I would prefer to do it in person, but if I find it too hard, I will do it over the net, either on realtime in MSN(there will be at least some reaction-judging here), or with an email.

I would like to tell you that I do not understand this "seeing other people" concept and many other things. I work in a different manner. If I like someone, I like them, If I don't I don't. If something doesn't work, I end it. If I am in a relationship with someone and I fall for another person, I end the former relationship as soon as possible(I would feel I am betraying the person). This is how I function.

Do you think she is going to be polyamorous? If that was the case I would have to consider very carefully. It would be a matter of weighting the pros and the cons.

	Originally Posted by Pandemonium To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	RUN! If she is looking for another partner while she has a boy friend; what does that say about her?

I am not sure I can(I'm finding these emotions very hard to supress), and it is not so simple.

All this causes me stress. I am torn between sabotaging this for good (I think it's gonna be hard, and it might be problematic because she is a girl of my class and I can't completely ignore easily) so I can focus on what is really important for me(career), or being more cooperative and seeing what happens. The problem is that I would hate to loose the opportunity if this girl was indeed a very good match for me; I would have already accomplished one of the things in my to-do list and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. On the other hand, I do not want any more problems in my life, or a person who can't be faithful and/or smears my reputation. Like you have pointed out; if she's doing that to her present boyfriend, why should I think I am "guarded" against she doing the same to me in the future? (granted, she hasn't done anything really "bad" so far, but also b/c I have controlled the situation, I think.).

**jikin** · 01-20-2009, 04:28 AM

You bring up not wanting to make a move because of your ethics. Keep in mind that she is not a married woman. While having a boyfriend/girlfriend means having a certain level of commitment, you would not be breaking up a family.


	This is something I don't understand. The INFP is not satisfied, but at the same time they love their partners, but at the same time they are making advances toward other potential partners, but at the same time they are waiting for their relationship to suddenly improve/fulfill them deeper? It's confusing :S

Not all would be making advancements toward others. As I said before she is not married. She has not made an "ultimate" commitment. She may not be completely certain what she wants, but something may be telling her that her current boyfriend is not fulfilling it. Ideally she would want him to be the one to be fulfilling it because an INFP does not like to drop a real relationship on a whim.

**Marcus** · 01-20-2009, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by jikin
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You bring up not wanting to make a move because of your ethics. Keep in mind that she is not a married woman. While having a boyfriend/girlfriend means having a certain level of commitment, you would not be breaking up a family.

This is something I don't understand. The INFP is not satisfied, but at the same time they love their partners, but at the same time they are making advances towards other potential partners, but at the same time they are waiting for their relationship to suddenly improve/fullfill them deeper? It's confusing :S

Not all would be making advancements toward others. As I said before she is not married. She has not made an "ultimate" commitment. She may not be completely certain what she wants, but something may be telling her that her current boyfriend is not fulfilling it. Ideally she would want him to be the one to be fulfilling it because an INFP does not like to drop a real relationship on a whim.

Remember that people are animals. You're a male competing with another male for a female. She is in the selection phase. As jikin said, as long as she's not married, you shouldn't have ethical problems with it. I was in a similar situation with an INFP. I did nothing because of my moral concerns. She ended up breaking up with his boyfriend and marrying someone else, later.

Also, INFPs are Ps. They can be in an 'undecided' state regarding romantic commitment.

Sinequanon · 01-20-2009, 09:13 AM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is something I don't understand. The INFP is not satisfied, but at the same time they love their partners, but at the same time they are making advances towards other potential partners, but at the same time they are waiting for their relationship to suddenly improve/fullfill them deeper? It's confusing :S

You know all the conflicting emotions a person could have with respect to a relationship?

Welcome to INFPs, dude.
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(Yes I'm chasing one.
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)

**Marcus** · 01-20-2009, 10:43 AM

	Originally Posted by Sinequanon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You know all the conflicting emotions a person could have with respect to a relationship?

I think that the key is that Js are more likely to make a decision when there are conflicting emotions, while Ps tend to be less decisive, as they can tolerate ambiguity.

Sinequanon · 01-20-2009, 12:04 PM

	Originally Posted by Marcus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think that the key is that Js are more likely to make a decision when there are conflicting emotions, while Ps tend to be less decisive, as they can tolerate ambiguity.

Yes, but they can tolerate emotional ambiguity,as well. The sort of space where you and I even might say "It doesn't make sense to feel both of these things at once," I get the sense that an INFP could. I sort of feel like I have a dominant emotional state that may change, whereas with my INFP, her emotions seem to work by the uncertainty principle, and can only be partially known/examined at any one point in time.

**wotsamattaU** · 01-20-2009, 01:54 PM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is something I don't understand. The INFP is not satisfied, but at the same time they love their partners, but at the same time they are making advances towards other potential partners, but at the same time they are waiting for their relationship to suddenly improve/fullfill them deeper? It's confusing :S

No - it's more along these lines:

The INFP & their partner believe themselves to be happy/content
NF & NT meet - drawn together by sensed similarities (plantonically)
NF & NT come to recognize attraction eventually, but both resist on principals
NF & NT one day 'flare' unexpectedly with extreme levels/depths of connection - they are resonating together, 'on the same page'
NF & NT scared to death (This was not foreseen, not expected - the intensity is such it puts you in crisis mode)
NF & NT are shaken to their cores

NF is now in great confusion; tries to unravel and make sense of it all
NF assesses her current relationship - what do they have? Are they as happy as she thought they were? Was she fooling herself all along? She never knew there could be so much more.
NF highly conflicted. Depending on her value system - if she is extremely loyal she is going to be beating herself up over this. How could she feel this for another? WHY can she not feel this for her boyfriend? What on earth is she to do?
Her boyfriend has not done anything wrong. He treats her well. They care about one another. The relationship was fine, or so she thought.

NF now has NT in her head. NT begins to override all other thoughts. She reflects over and over again on each communication with NT looking for signs of his perceived attraction or lack of. NT has been hot and cold. What the hell does the NT want? Is he playing games?
If she breaks with her boyfriend, will the NT be there for a relationship or will he run once again?
Is the NT stable? He's been flip flopping back and forth. Just because there is an attraction, does not mean he will step up to the plate and make it happen.
NF realizes depth of NT connection; this embodies the Soulmate connection she has always sought.

NF wonders how she can break with her boyfriend. Hurting him is the last thing on earth she wishes to do. How to do this? Is it right to do this? He did nothing wrong, he doesn't deserve this.
NF thinks upon how she is the last person on earth she ever thought would be found in this situation. How ironic.
NF values Loyalty, does not look to hurt others.
NF begins to look for a win/win resolution.
NF is searching for signs from NT that he will indeed be there for her if she is free.

These are the sorts of things she is very likely to be processing.

Since you say she appears to have composed herself and seems ready to face the situation, that would indicate she can not take the indecision any longer. She needs to know once and for all where you two stand. She wants this out in the open between you two.

re: finances: INFP are the least likely to be striving towards high end material items/status. As long as basic needs for security are met we're good. Anything else is simply gravy.

We are more likely to apply surplus income towards a solution we believe in (locally or globally) than to our own backsides. The Keeping up with the Jones's sort, we are not. Huge disdain towards shallowness. Give us something we can believe in, and we will work tirelessly towards that goal.

INFP being emotionally driven, she will be more likely to follow her heart and gut than her head here. Whether she would be more financially comfortable with her current boyfriend is of far less importance to her than who really sees her for herself, who loves her more deeply, who understands her the most.

There is also the fact that when she looks into your eyes, she is experiencing exactly what you are. She sees you for yourself, she understands you on a level most of the world does not. You look and both see intuitively a fellow traveler.

This base understanding (combined with the element of physical attraction) is the basis for extreme magnetism. You are inordinately fortunate if you come across this once in your lifetime.

Never take this for granted.

**wotsamattaU** · 01-20-2009, 10:06 PM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, b/c of a recent ocurrence, my certainty level is now close to 100%.

You're very welcome (and thanks WaeV). Curious - do you care to share the recent occurrence you mention?

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I was very clever here and I saw she was in a hurry, she wanted to end our conversation before all the people in class left. I purposelly delayed it so that we were left alone to judge her reaction(I'm a bit evil sometimes, but in a way good way :P).

You are right - you are evil!

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, it is in fact amazing and scary at the same time.

It feels positively supernatural.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She does not seem happy in the pictures. Even more, I am pretty sure she has chosen those specific pictures on purpose to show them to me.

That is a very real possibility. We are notorious for saying things without saying it specifically, using metaphors, reading between the lines, etc. We will throw out things in hopes you catch the subtleties of them - this is particularly true when we are restricted from speaking freely for whatever reason.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He struck me as the jealous/possesive/controlling type of boyfriend.

This is because he senses you are a potential rival. It throws him into 'protective mode' over his girlfriend, unwittingly.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm also not willing to be a conceited lover for her. Either we do it right or nothing.

INFP's have very strong values. They are individual to each. The strength of our convictions will govern our actions in combination with our hearts. If her values are straight and narrow, then you are in alignment here. Do not jump to conclusions that she has questionable morals.

Please note: she has not actively done anything overtly inappropriate. If she had no qualms whatsoever, she would have thrown caution to the winds a long time ago.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	To tell you the truth, it is a bit... unnerving. The magnetic thing, whatever it was we felt, it was scary. We were both scared. Is that normal?

Yes. It is normal to experience that in this type of profound connection. No, it is not a common thing to come by. Treasure this experience.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We can read our minds, it's very hard to explain. I can tell what she is thinking/feeling just by looking at her, I can even "see" things that I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me to know. I believe she has noticed and she fears me a bit b/c of this reason.

This is a two way street. The fear you see is her knowledge of her own vulnerability. It is very raw and it is also mutually experienced in a connection of this nature.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Thanks, I will try. What I have noticed is that there is no way to stop this, it doesn't "go away". I must take control of the situation.

Can you explain how you have tried to make it 'go away'?

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I would like to tell you that I do not understand this "seeing other people" concept and many other things.

Dating is a time for trying out relationships. You are usually seeking one that fits you like a glove; particularly if you are searching for a future life partner.

Some will date different people at the same time. This is casual dating - you're going out doing things, attending events, it's basically all in fun. As long as all are in understanding that you are casual and not in a committed relationship, this is all above board; considered fine.

Others require a sense of deep sharing and intimacy in a relationship or else it is not worth it. This is fairly commonly found amongst introverts, intuitives and especially among that combination: IN's. They require a sense of deep connection. They seek this, but it is rarely found.

A large portion of the population will never know what this experience is like. When you don't know it exists, you aren't missing it in the current relationship. How can you miss what you have never experienced?

You have seen no proof of it previously. Maybe this is all there is to life. Maybe what you hope for is unattainable and unrealistic. This is the Real World, after all - not the stuff of wishes, hopes and dreams. You may sometimes long for more, but you tell yourself to snap out of it.

If you are fortunate enough to find this intense 'meshing' with another - you will want exclusivity. For this partner, you are more open than you could be with any other. There is trust, there is safety. You are Home.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do you think she is going to be polyamorous? If that was the case I would have to consider very carefully. It would be a matter of weighting the pros and the cons.

This is an individual matter, not one of MBTI. (For example: you will find a wide range of beliefs on this topic amongst INTJ's right here on this board.)

However, I believe you are confusing this attraction for possible promiscuity or a desire for multiple partners. Do not make that mistake. These are two separate issues.

You agree that it appears to have taken her by surprise and you sense her fear. Those are not the reactions of someone who is looking for an extra boyfriend on the side. She was not 'on the prowl'.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	All this causes me stress. I am torn between sabotaging this for good (I think it's gonna be hard, and it might be problematic because she is a girl of my class and I can't completely ignore easily) so I can focus on what is really important for me(career), or being more cooperative and seeing what happens.

It is very likely also causing her great stress. She's torn between what to do. Does she hurt her boyfriend for someone who might not step up for her? Or does she keep her present relationship, willing herself to resist this temptation of her very soul? She is being tested to her limits, as are you. These are pressures few will ever experience to this degree of intensity. You are after all, two intense individuals. (INFP's intensity will flare when it concerns those close to their hearts - be it a cause or a person.)

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	On the other hand, I do not want any more problems in my life, or a person who can't be faithful and/or smears my reputation. Like you have pointed out; if she's doing that to her present boyfriend, why should I think I am "guarded" against she doing the same to me in the future? (granted, she hasn't done anything really "bad" so far, but also b/c I have controlled the situation, I think.).

Valid concerns in general and it pays to be wary in life. Consider however her reactions. This took her by surprise. She is frightened and deeply affected by it. How does she act around other men? Is her reaction to you unusual for her? Or is it her M.O.?

For further consideration, compare her reactions to you with the 'Signs You Are Nervous thread'. Do you see her reflected there?

**JohnDoe** · 01-21-2009, 12:38 AM

However, she has tried to turn the conversations "more personal", attempts that I have thwarted.
Why are you doing this? Assuming for a second that you were right and she was flirting with you, why would you make it harder for you? This is silly!

Having said that, I see absolutely nothing in here that vaguely suggests that shes interested in you. People have a bad tendency to see what they want to when there are two plausible explanations. Thus, lacking any real evidence, I'm going to suggest that you move on. Failing that, I'm going to tell you to flirt more overtly and see what happens. There is this great conspiracy theory where people find all sorts of codes and encryptions hidden in the bible. Of course, this is easy because if you have enough lines of text and read between the lines you can find whatever you want. There was only one concrete time I could find where you flirted with her, in a way that might possibly be overt (I don't know what you did, so its hard to tell if its overt), so its impossible to draw any conclusions.

Having now disagreed with wotsamattaU as usual, I will now quote her
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I say, ask her about those photos. That's your 'In' to further legitimate conversation right now. Once you two get talking you can segue that into asking her about her relationship with her boyfriend and if she considers herself free to see other people.

The best way to cut to the chase in all this is to bring it out in the open. If you do it in e-mail you don't have the benefit of judging her reactions, but it does allow her time to gather her thoughts and express herself more clearly. You would also be able to tell her more easily perhaps your views on relationships - whether you require a monogamous one or not.

Don't use email; never use email for anything involving emotions, because you lose the way in which things are said. The rest of the advice is good. Either move on, or go find out what the status is with her boyfriend. But do it now.

**Marcus** · 01-21-2009, 03:31 AM

	Originally Posted by JohnDoe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Having said that, I see absolutely nothing in here that vaguely suggests that shes interested in you. People have a bad tendency to see what they want to when there are two plausible explanations.

I agree with wotsamattaU that the soulmate connection with an INFP exists. I also experienced the time slowing soul gazing with one. You won't find such a connection (as an INTJ) with any other type, IMHO.

Also, I would not force her to make a decision now. As wotsamattaU suggested, she probably has her own doubts and needs more time.

**2501** · 01-21-2009, 06:17 AM

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No - it's more along these lines[...] These are the sorts of things she is very likely to be processing.

	Originally Posted by WaeV To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	wotsamattaU, a great read.

I second that. This explanation you have done is simply amazing, and I think it is astonishingly on the spot. Honestly, I think they should make an sticky thread for romance with each type(like a manual or something), and in the INFP sticky that post should be the first one.

But... how can I demonstrate it to her that I will indeed be there for her if she decides to end her current partnership? Do I simply tell her?

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Since you say she appears to have composed herself and seems ready to face the situation, that would indicate she can not take the indecision any longer. She needs to know once and for all where you two stand. She wants this out in the open between you two.

Yep, this is the impression I get.

Originally Posted by wotsamattaU
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re: finances: INFP are the least likely to be striving towards high end material items/status. As long as basic needs for security are met we're good. Anything else is simply gravy.

INFP being emotionally driven, she will be more likely to follow her heart and gut than her head here. Whether she would be more financially comfortable with her current boyfriend is of far less importance to her than who really sees her for herself, who loves her more deeply, who understands her the most.

Good to know. Still, I'm working towards fixing this issue.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We are more likely to apply surplus income towards a solution we believe in (locally or globally) than to our own backsides. The Keeping up with the Jones's sort, we are not. Huge disdain towards shallowness. Give us something we can believe in, and we will work tirelessly towards that goal.

You look towards the future a great deal, just like us, and need to see a "way".

Originally Posted by wotsamattaU
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There is also the fact that when she looks into your eyes, she is experiencing exactly what you are. She sees you for yourself, she understands you on a level most of the world does not. You look and both see intuitively a fellow traveler.

This base understanding (combined with the element of physical attraction) is the basis for extreme magnetism. You are inordinately fortunate if you come across this once in your lifetime.

Never take this for granted.

wow... I'm feeling a lot of pressure. The stakes are very high it seems... I don't want to screw up.

But the thing is that I feel so at ease with her... so at home, that I have a feeling that she is going to help me and everything is going to be alright, once we get it going of course.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You're very welcome (and thanks WaeV). Curious - do you care to share the recent occurrence you mention?

She just removed most stuff from her MSN nickname referring to her boyfriend. Now, it only shows: a) the date when they started the relationship (about a year ago), and b) an (L) heart. And now it says in the comment box "I think so too!!"(like I told you, I think she reads my mind :/). I do believe she is waiting for me to make a move. She has not seen me for a some time (I've been hiding... actually since Christmas. I caught the flu too) and I think she might be anxious or something? dunno.

We've been having some sorta games in msn. For example, I logged in one day at 2:00 am, and put an image that expressed that I was thinking about her. I connected and disconnected quickly, like in 5 seconds. I just had the feeling that she was around, on offline mode. Then the next day, just about the same hour, she did exactly the same I had done the day before. Other similar things we've been doing. It's kind of cool.

The next opportunity to see her is next wednesday, and I'm thinking about telling her over msn that I have something to discuss with her. Then ask her if she knows what it is about. She's going to say "yes", I can picture it. And then, if possible we'll meet wednesday and we'll settle the matter. Is this a good plan?

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You are right - you are evil!

:P... I'm actually kind of good to be honest, heh...

I've just grown cleverer over the years to protect myself, b/c I used to be really naive, and one gets really tired of being betrayed and taken for a fool repeatedly.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It feels positively supernatural.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes. It is normal to experience that in this type of profound connection. No, it is not a common thing to come by. Treasure this experience.

	Originally Posted by Marcus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I agree with wotsamattaU that the soulmate connection with an INFP exists. I also experienced the time slowing soul gazing with one. You won't find such a connection (as an INTJ) with any other type, IMHO.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is a two way street. The fear you see is her knowledge of her own vulnerability. It is very raw and it is also mutually experienced in a connection of this nature.

I see... I'll be careful then. Could you give me any tip on how I can make her feel more at ease? I am not bad to her anymore(it's useless and I don't like being bad to her. I don't think this can be stopped now anyhow).

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	That is a very real possibility. We are notorious for saying things without saying it specifically, using metaphors, reading between the lines, etc. We will throw out things in hopes you catch the subtleties of them - this is particularly true when we are restricted from speaking freely for whatever reason.

But what might she be trying to say? Look, I'll try to describe: the last one she has her boyfriend is giving her a kiss on the cheek, while she has a completely "Meh..." face. It was at new year eve I think. My intuition says this about the photo: "He loves me, in his own way, but I have realized this is not what I want" It also says; "I feel sorry for him"(I had noticed this before reading your analysis of the situation, so I think I'm not deluding myself and it is accurate). Other photos have been one where she is hugging her in a manner like as if she was part of his property, with a grin on his face that I do not like (I don't like this guy at all). She is not hugging him. In this photo... I cannot describe the sadness she has in her face. She looked like this at the begginin of the course, with bags under her eyes and a very sad, soulless expression... (like she was not sleeping/eating well or something) I have noticed improvement since all this stuff that has been happening. Btw, the looks of her yes when she looks at me is strinkingly similar to that of that little fox in your avatar. In the first "arrow", it was the exact same look. I'm reminded of her everytime I look at it.

On another one, also at new year eve, he has his hand laying on her breast(above her dress), in a very disrespetful way for a photo that I don't like(and I know she does not like that sort of stuff either). She has an awkward smile. Her eyes say this(I'm convinced): "I wish you were here." She only had this photo for a very short time. I'm positive she was thinking about me. I was thinking about her too while I was partying with my ISFP friend, maybe just at the same time.

I find all these photos extremely suspicious.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is because he senses you are a potential rival. It throws him into 'protective mode' over his girlfriend, unwittingly.

I see... well, I'm afraid he's going to have to accept it. I'm not in the mood for idiots.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	INFP's have very strong values. They are individual to each. The strength of our convictions will govern our actions in combination with our hearts. If her values are straight and narrow, then you are in alignment here. Do not jump to conclusions that she has questionable morals.

No, in fact, I have not seen anything that even mildly suggested she lacks values, more like the contrary. She has helped people in class with things, she organized that meetup for all of us... she's amazing, even more so considering that I know she has not been in the best mood... I don't know for how long.

I was just listing the possibility to see the opinion of the people here, just in case. You assesment of the situation has been impeccable. It's almost as if you know us(?¿). I'm impressed.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Can you explain how you have tried to make it 'go away'?

We INTJ are dreamers too. We have great imagination; we can create copies of people in our minds when involved platonically with them, so it does not distract us from our pursuits. We also have a great deal of control over our emotions, by default, we can just shove them off or supress them at our will. I've been involved in platonic type of things in the past and these tactics worked wonders. These do not work here. She appears again in my mind, disturbing my thought. Been a few months already trying, and it's impossible.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Dating is a time for trying out relationships. [...]

This has greatly increased my understanding of the issue. You're right that there's nothing wrong with it inherently. Thank you!

Originally Posted by wotsamattaU
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This is an individual matter, not one of MBTI. (For example: you will find a wide range of beliefs on this topic amongst INTJ's right here on this board.)

However, I believe you are confusing this attraction for possible promiscuity or a desire for multiple partners. Do not make that mistake. These are two separate issues.

You agree that it appears to have taken her by surprise and you sense her fear. Those are not the reactions of someone who is looking for an extra boyfriend on the side. She was not 'on the prowl'.

Yeah I agree. I think that there is an underlying issue here and I think is has to do with differences betwen NP and NJ temperaments. NP are more attentive to their surrounding, more curious, always looking for opportunies(b/c of Ne), and this can be confused for other things.

However, about being "on the prowl"... she did pursue one of the guys of the SP/SJ clan for a small period of time in a similar manner as she pursued me. I could tell she lost interest soon though. In fact, I suspect it was to make me jealous to see if I finally noticed her (one time it was completely obvious she did it b/c of this).

Originally Posted by wotsamattaU
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It is very likely also causing her great stress. She's torn between what to do. Does she hurt her boyfriend for someone who might not step up for her? Or does she keep her present relationship, willing herself to resist this temptation of her very soul? She is being tested to her limits, as are you. These are pressures few will ever experience to this degree of intensity. You are after all, two intense individuals. (INFP's intensity will flare when it concerns those close to their hearts - be it a cause or a person.)

But, what can I do to have her trust me more and aid her in the process? I have decided to do the following: a) stop playing crap b) bring the issue out on the open c) be kind to her. Anything else?

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Valid concerns in general and it pays to be wary in life. Consider however her reactions. This took her by surprise. She is frightened and deeply affected by it. How does she act around other men? Is her reaction to you unusual for her? Or is it her M.O.?

She ignores them. She has befriended an ENFP male from class, but I can tell he's just a friend (he's kind of cool btw). She also befriended the INTP girl and the INFJ girl. I've noticed that she attempts to wear a mask to hide her state, but I can see right through, that she, similarly to me, is not in the mood for pointless company or chatter. She tries to talk to people in class in a natural fashion, but in a very detached kind of way.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	For further consideration, compare her reactions to you with the 'Signs You Are Nervous thread'. Do you see her reflected there?

Yes, she expresses many of those symptoms, especially when we are one on one, and only with me. Principally the shaking. Oh... how she shakes when we are one on one, hehe. She shakes and I turn to the side, escaping. She also gets really quiet, stumbles over words, speaks really really softly (abnormally so, she speaks softly by default) and doesn't know if to keep eye contact with me or not (she alternates between staring at me and being elusive). When I look at her in class and she notices, immediately she starts either playing with a pen in her hand, or moving her leg up and down in a nervous fashion. She also mirrors my body language. She displays all the things you said in your post in that thread.

I have come to develop my Se lately, and I'm finding Ni-Se to be a very powerful combination.

[QUOTE=JohnDoe;335308]However, she has tried to turn the conversations "more personal", attempts that I have thwarted.
Why are you doing this? Assuming for a second that you were right and she was flirting with you, why would you make it harder for you? This is silly!

Because in tipical INTJ fashion I have a tendency to sabotage these kind of stuff... I wish I knew why. Irrational fear of things I guess.

	Originally Posted by JohnDoe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Having said that, I see absolutely nothing in here that vaguely suggests that shes interested in you.

Aw come on... don't instill doubts in me now that I was almost decided ! :P

	Originally Posted by JohnDoe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Don't use email; never use email for anything involving emotions, because you lose the way in which things are said. The rest of the advice is good. Either move on, or go find out what the status is with her boyfriend. But do it now.

Yes I agree. I think it is better in person, but it is hard, especially with an intense kind of thing like this.

I hope this is being useful for all you people too, and thanks

**Nemesis** · 01-21-2009, 07:24 AM

This is a tricky one 2501. On the surface it seems (to me at least) that she is not really into you. However, I am going to trust your intuition about her boyfriend not being on the level.
If this is the case and she is into you but stuck for whatever reason with this tool, we have a bigger problem. I speak with a great deal of experience with girls in this position here. She may be tired of this guy and sees you as a sweet and kind guy (which it sounds like you are) and she feels a bit more comfortable around you. This is a trap. Girls like this tend to be drawn to douchebags. They become unhappy in a relationship and begin to seek a kind guy like you to feel a connection with. It's just to supplement the lack of kindness she has in the relationship. Even if she were to break from this guy and start with you, she would probably fall for the next douchebag that came her way. This leaves you in the dust. If she's willing to ditch a guy for you, she will have no problems doing it to you too. Some people (women AND men) are just drawn to partners that do them no good. Please do not become one of them.

I realize that I'm making this statement with little information but her behaviour sounds all too familiar to me. Pass on her and spend your energy on girls that will actually reciprocate your feelings in a tangible way.

**Acextreme** · 01-21-2009, 08:33 AM

Ok, it's getting really late over here on my end of the globe so I just read your long first post and thought I would just reply to that first; I don't have the time now to read through all the other replies just yet.

So here it is, I suggest you don't read too much into it; there's no obvious proof of anything happening. And it seems like she's avoiding you a little since she felt you had some interest in her and she's a boyfriend already.

Secondly, what you felt and write here, I am afraid I would have to discount it since you are obviously in "love" and what you wrote here are your perceptions of what it is, but is it really as how you felt it to be? There could be some bias and perceptive distortions involved in your judgement and analysis.

So I would say, you might be thinking too much and it will get you nowhere. I have been through this quite a number of times, with similar happenings as yours and I actually took the liberty to try things out and it failed; haha, things are not what I thought it to be but I did it also because I decided that I rather end all things than having to go through all those "suspensions" and butterflies in the stomach, etc. Yours could be the same. So you make the decision.

Will read the rest of the thread when I have the chance to. All the best...

**Marcus** · 01-21-2009, 10:56 AM

	Originally Posted by Acextreme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have been through this quite a number of times, with similar happenings as yours and I actually took the liberty to try things out and it failed; haha, things are not what I thought it to be but I did it also because I decided that I rather end all things than having to go through all those "suspensions" and butterflies in the stomach, etc. Yours could be the same. So you make the decision.

I had this happening with INFPs three times, and it was confirmed (when it was too late) two times, that feelings were mutual, and I guess it was the same in the third case, too.

**wotsamattaU** · 01-21-2009, 12:22 PM

	Originally Posted by Marcus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I had this happening with INFPs three times, and it was confirmed (when it was too late) two times, that feelings were mutual, and I guess it was the same in the third case, too.

Did you enter a relationship with any of them? (Oh please say yes...)

Yes, I have experienced this magnetic pull. The level of emotional bonding and deep intimacy we achieved remain unparalleled.

It's all in the choices we make.

More later - must run

ouh 100th post - Mexican hat dance
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**Marcus** · 01-21-2009, 01:17 PM

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Did you enter a relationship with any of them? (Oh please say yes...)

No, and I still feel the pain of losing the last one. We get punished for our mistakes...

**AliTree** · 01-21-2009, 03:36 PM

(if there is an INFP guy here that can help me out with my own romance issues, message me please. that'd be nice.
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**wotsamattaU** · 01-21-2009, 09:42 PM

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Honestly, I think they should make an sticky thread for romance with each type(like a manual or something)

That is an excellent idea - including the INTJ. The odds of successful partnering would escalate I would think if more people just understood one another and recognized their cues.

I too have regretted that some wonderful information gets buried in threads which do not reflect that type - searching for it later becomes most frustrating.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But the thing is that I feel so at ease with her... so at home, that I have a feeling that she is going to help me and everything is going to be alright, once we get it going of course.

That is precisely what you should be looking for in a partner. One day when you're old and gray, companionship is going to be what it's all about.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I do believe she is waiting for me to make a move. She has not seen me for a some time (I've been hiding... actually since Christmas. I caught the flu too) and I think she might be anxious or something? dunno.

That is a long time to be hiding! The bad thing about that is this allows things to 'percolate'. The intensity inside you builds. I caution you to not place her on a pedestal for heights she could never achieve in reality. Temper your thoughts with those reminding you she is only human and will have flaws.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We've been having some sorta games in msn.<snip>. Then the next day, just about the same hour, she did exactly the same I had done the day before. Other similar things we've been doing. It's kind of cool.

What similar things?

wot disclaimer:
I can not tell you with absolute certainty what she is thinking or doing. All I can offer is perhaps some insight into the thought process which would be likely in the scenario as you present it to us.

That said, what you described there is absolutely something I would do. It is a prime example of saying something without saying it.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	The next opportunity to see her is next wednesday, and I'm thinking about telling her over msn that I have something to discuss with her. Then ask her if she knows what it is about. She's going to say "yes", I can picture it. And then, if possible we'll meet wednesday and we'll settle the matter. Is this a good plan?

I've given this some thought. When you tell her you have something to discuss, mention that it is important or serious. This way you have the time, space and opportunity to get into the discussion without time constraints or others around. I think that is an excellent plan.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I see... I'll be careful then. Could you give me any tip on how I can make her feel more at ease? I am not bad to her anymore(it's useless and I don't like being bad to her. I don't think this can be stopped now anyhow).

It does seem to have a power all of it's own.

To make your INFP feel more at ease:

Soften your gaze to one of warmth, not lazer beam corrective surgery
Listen to her. Take note of her likes and dislikes. This will go a long way with her.
Be aware of her personal space. Don't forget we need air to breathe.
Give her a smile. It makes her heart expand.
Debate may be taken as an argument. Wait until you know each other well and learn each other's communication styles.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But what might she be trying to say? She is not hugging him. In this photo... I cannot describe the sadness she has in her face. She looked like this at the begginin of the course, with bags under her eyes and a very sad, soulless expression... (like she was not sleeping/eating well or something)

If she is purposely posting photos that plainly show misery on her face...again this is purely subjective...that can be INFP code telling you in the only way she thinks she can at the moment that she is unhappy (in whatever scenario the photo details). She will also assume that this message should be as obvious as the expression on her face. Yes, we can be cryptic like that when we are unable to voice ourselves freely.

Here's an example: writing a letter which on the surface seems entirely all business. When reread it could be taken as if it were discussing the two of you instead of the business item. It takes on an entirely new meaning. We can be very selective with the words we use and how we use them. Why would someone act that way? Because there are constraints on what we are able to express freely. We'd use signal flags if we had to!

So you are not out of the ballpark to be contemplating the significance of seemingly innocent things. Everything can become symbolic. Is what you are detailing to us symbolic? Only you and she know for certain.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have noticed improvement since all this stuff that has been happening. Btw, the looks of her yes when she looks at me is strinkingly similar to that of that little fox in your avatar. In the first "arrow", it was the exact same look. I'm reminded of her everytime I look at it.

There is an avatar of one of the forum members here - every time I see it, the eyes are just like those of a certain INTJ I know. I hear ya.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I find all these photos extremely suspicious.

When you are dealing with an INFP, you should.
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	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You assesment of the situation has been impeccable. It's almost as if you know us(?¿). I'm impressed.

Thanks. I can tell you I know firsthand of this sort of connection of which you speak. There is very little on the internet to be found about this. Few people really talk about it.

One thing is for certain; whomever you experience this with will remain in your thoughts as you go through life. This is the one you will reflect back upon.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We INTJ are dreamers too. We have great imagination; we can create copies of people in our minds when involved platonically with them, so it does not distract us from our pursuits.

If you have a clear image of them in your mind wouldn't that cloud your other thoughts? That is confusing to me.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yeah I agree. I think that there is an underlying issue here and I think is has to do with differences betwen NP and NJ temperaments. NP are more attentive to their surrounding, more curious, always looking for opportunies(b/c of Ne), and this can be confused for other things.

I never looked at it from that point of view but you may be on to something there.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	However, about being "on the prowl"... she did pursue one of the guys of the SP/SJ clan for a small period of time in a similar manner as she pursued me. I could tell she lost interest soon though. In fact, I suspect it was to make me jealous to see if I finally noticed her (one time it was completely obvious she did it b/c of this).

She may have been trying to gauge your reaction...looking for signs of interest. Then too, maybe she was just being nice. We can be too kind, giving others attention even when we do not want to. People tend to glom on to us for some reason, too.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But, what can I do to have her trust me more and aid her in the process? I have decided to do the following: a) stop playing crap b) bring the issue out on the open c) be kind to her. Anything else?

Excellent start - I will add:

Be respectful when speaking of her boyfriend. Do not infer he is inferior or deficient in any way. He is someone who has managed to pull tender feelings from her at one point in time.
Be thoughtful. We take notice of things like that.
Share a laugh with her. Laughter is very bonding.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, she expresses many of those symptoms, especially when we are one on one, and only with me. <snip> She displays all the things you said in your post in that thread.

Your list just reminded me of a few I'd forgotten: faltering over my words, my speech can slow down and I may forget a key point I wanted to discuss (i.e. draw a sudden blank).

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes I agree. I think it is better in person, but it is hard, especially with an intense kind of thing like this.

Agreeing with JohnDoe here (how'd that happen?) heh heh...face to face is always best. I was pointing out the pros/cons of whichever mode you decide to use.

One other thing re: her boyfriend. If you two do decide to go forward and develop a relationship I would advise not jumping into being seen about the place as a romantic couple right away. It is disrespectful to the person she was dating. A proverbial slap in the face, as if he never even mattered. Considered poor form. As long as you and she have an understanding between you, she will wait. INFP are tenacious about what they believe in. You two can communicate freely all you want in other ways, but cool it on the in-person front for a little while. It will also allow her to get her equilibrium back.

	Originally Posted by 2501 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I hope this is being useful for all you people too, and thanks

You are being incredibly helpful to me. It is a glimpse of how this phenom is experienced from the other side.

**JohnDoe** · 01-21-2009, 10:00 PM

That is a long time to be hiding! The bad thing about that is this allows things to 'percolate'. The intensity inside you builds. I caution you to not place her on a pedestal for heights she could never achieve in reality. Temper your thoughts with those reminding you she is only human and will have flaws.

One other thing re: her boyfriend. If you two do decide to go forward and develop a relationship I would advise not jumping into being seen about the place as a romantic couple right away. It is disrespectful to the person she was dating. A proverbial slap in the face, as if he never even mattered. Considered poor form. As long as you and she have an understanding between you, she will wait. INFP are tenacious about what they believe in. You two can communicate freely all you want in other ways, but cool it on the in-person front for a little while. It will also allow her to get her equilibrium back.

Just want to specifically agree with these two points, the first one especially.

**2501** · 01-22-2009, 11:26 AM

	Originally Posted by Nemesis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	[...]

I was involved once in a bad thing similar to those ones I believe you are describing. This is different. Or rather I should say *she* is different.

But yeah, I was very scared that this could turn out to be like that. However, my behavior towards her at the beginning, where I was even slightly cruel to her a few times, was to verify if she was the kind of girl who deep down enjoys being a doormat. She rebelled a few times against my impertinence. She has a lot of pride in reality (I like this btw). As a result, I concluded one thing; she is not that kind of girl. However, I noticed she has a problem defending herself. Her assertiveness is close to zero. This, combined with the other things I have posted already, and my knowledge of personality theories, led me to believe that maybe she is not being treated as well as she should be, in a sense that her boyfriend may not be an adequate match for her, not necessarily because of an active abuse of any sort by his part.

	Originally Posted by Acextreme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	[...]

Yes, I have had problems with self-delusion and have been a victim of wishful-thinking in the past. However, if I am to judge this case being as objective as I can, I'm sure there's enough evidence to conclude that: a)she likes me, b)this is worth it. If we now add all the other strange/mystical/subjetive things, this becomes a very rare, one-of-a-kind, type of romance that I would hate to see pass by. I have nothing to lose. I have considered the worst case scenarios(I always do this) and I'm confident in my abilities to respond to any situation, and if it is a failure, I will learn and not repeat the same mistakes again.

For instance; I'm prepared to end this on the spot if I don't like what happens after we bring it out on the open. "Fool me once... fool me twice..."

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	That is an excellent idea[...]

Lets see if we have luck and someone takes the initiative. I think that only the best posts that are highly relevant should enter those "XXXX romance manual" threads, and the problem here is what criteria to use, and who's going to do the selection. Ideally it should be done by people of said type.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	That is precisely what you should be looking for in a partner. One day when you're old and gray, companionship is going to be what it's all about.

Oh, but the connection is physical too. I find her very attractive. The only type of connection left is the "friendship" one, and I think she has been attempting to stablish it a few times in msn, but I did not go along with it because as I've said I feel I am somehow "stealing" the girl from her boyfriend(even worse after seeing his reaction when he saw me). And it's even worse with her having the photo of them in the picture box, and "I (L) you X" in the nickname (she doesn't really "love" him that much if she is doing this with me, methinks?). That annoys me. I like the less BS, the better. It's like: she wants to but she is guarding herself at the same time by saying "hey, I have a boyfriend, and he loves me, I don't really need you. I can just backtrack at any point I want". This prompts me to play with her (as it makes me think she is playing with me). She is going nowhere with him. She has to be aware of this... what the heck is she doing? Why can't she just be more brave and say what she wants and go for it and stop this crap? Why can't she notice that what I can offer her is much better that whatever that SP gives her, and be decisive(or maybe it isn't)? Come on... you can see from a mile that she is not fullfilled in that relationship (and if she is indeed fullfilled, what the heck is she doing pursuing other guys, and looking so sad and displeased?) That is not going to change magically no matter how much she thinks it is going to. Why does it have to be me to take the step? I've given her enough clues already that I like her. She is the one that has a boyfriend, I am free. She is the one that pursued me insistently, I did my best to ignore her. I had a feeling this would happen. The responsibility is hers, not mine. I've got too much pride to be after a girl like this. Okay, I stop my rant now. (cools down)

And this is one of the reasons I've been guarded with her too: because as you can see I don't trust her yet. She confuses me. If she only was a little more straightforward...

I think all these BS is just a reflection, a way to vent our frustration b/c of the situation. We'll see.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	we can be cryptic like that when we are unable to voice ourselves freely.

What do you mean by not being able to express yourselves freely? What prevents you?

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What similar things?

Oh, things like disconnecting at the same time(she knows I connect late, and she is waiting for me to show up and talk to her), placing emphasis on the goodbye, with things like "see you tomorrow!"(in a sarcastic manner because all the while we are running away from each other in class) and she responding "kisses!" (when we haven't achieved the necessary trust for that kind of thing in a "friendly way"). I got angry at her and deleted her one time(she never initiated conversation with me, when she was the one to add me. She was using the excuse that I wanted her photos from the meetup to attempt to control me). Me using symbolism via images. Playing. Teasing. That sort of stuff. I'm too old for these childish games (even though I have to admit they can be entertaining, but it is enough already).

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you have a clear image of them in your mind wouldn't that cloud your other thoughts? That is confusing to me.

No, it is not a clear image per se, it's more like... a copy of the feeling the person evokes in us. Like a background process, a simulation of the real thing. We hate to feel we are at the mercy of other people, because we either need them or miss them, and this prevents it. We also(or at least I) tend to daydream fantasies involving our object of affection, to provide relief, but these are not as "absorbing" as INFP ones I believe. Also, we can just discard the emotions at once(not always). BTW, take in mind that is an INxJ speaking.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She may have been trying to gauge your reaction...looking for signs of interest. Then too, maybe she was just being nice.

Yes, I think she was being nice because she likes talking to everyone in class and having amiable relationships with everyone(in a detached way), but... she was playing too. I mean, she just talked to me, asked something pointless, and immediately procedeed to follow this guy and engage him in conversation before my eyes, while she smirked in a mischievous way that I could see. I had just annoyed her earlier the same day. Take note that the heavy magnetic stuff had not happened yet. She has not done anything like that ever since.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Excellent start - I will add:... I've given this some thought... To make your INFP feel more at ease... That is a long time to be hiding!... [...]

Very nice. I will follow this advice if it comes to it, especially in regards to her boyfriend.

I will also try to remind myself that she's only human and will try not to have unrealistic expectation and/or excessive idealization (it's hard).

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I can not tell you with absolute certainty[...]

You seem to have an uncanny ability to think/feel like this girl does. Please, do not hesitate to say anything that comes to your mind. Even if it turns out to be some thing that is not entirely correct, do not worry.

	Originally Posted by wotsamattaU To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You are being incredibly helpful to me. It is a glimpse of how this phenom is experienced from the other side.

I'm glad
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Well, at any rate, I've come to a decision and I am sticking to it. Hopefully, bringing all this out on the open will ease the situation. Thanks again!

01-19-2009, 04:08 PM	#5
Pandemonium Veteran Member [53%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 2,120	RUN! If she is looking for another partner while she has a boy friend; what does that say about her?
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01-21-2009, 07:24 AM	#17
Nemesis Core Member [304%] MBTI: XXXX Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 12,196	This is a tricky one 2501. On the surface it seems (to me at least) that she is not really into you. However, I am going to trust your intuition about her boyfriend not being on the level. If this is the case and she is into you but stuck for whatever reason with this tool, we have a bigger problem. I speak with a great deal of experience with girls in this position here. She may be tired of this guy and sees you as a sweet and kind guy (which it sounds like you are) and she feels a bit more comfortable around you. This is a trap. Girls like this tend to be drawn to douchebags. They become unhappy in a relationship and begin to seek a kind guy like you to feel a connection with. It's just to supplement the lack of kindness she has in the relationship. Even if she were to break from this guy and start with you, she would probably fall for the next douchebag that came her way. This leaves you in the dust. If she's willing to ditch a guy for you, she will have no problems doing it to you too. Some people (women AND men) are just drawn to partners that do them no good. Please do not become one of them. I realize that I'm making this statement with little information but her behaviour sounds all too familiar to me. Pass on her and spend your energy on girls that will actually reciprocate your feelings in a tangible way.
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01-21-2009, 08:33 AM	#18
Acextreme Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 234	Ok, it's getting really late over here on my end of the globe so I just read your long first post and thought I would just reply to that first; I don't have the time now to read through all the other replies just yet. So here it is, I suggest you don't read too much into it; there's no obvious proof of anything happening. And it seems like she's avoiding you a little since she felt you had some interest in her and she's a boyfriend already. Secondly, what you felt and write here, I am afraid I would have to discount it since you are obviously in "love" and what you wrote here are your perceptions of what it is, but is it really as how you felt it to be? There could be some bias and perceptive distortions involved in your judgement and analysis. So I would say, you might be thinking too much and it will get you nowhere. I have been through this quite a number of times, with similar happenings as yours and I actually took the liberty to try things out and it failed; haha, things are not what I thought it to be but I did it also because I decided that I rather end all things than having to go through all those "suspensions" and butterflies in the stomach, etc. Yours could be the same. So you make the decision. Will read the rest of the thread when I have the chance to. All the best...
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01-21-2009, 03:36 PM	#22
AliTree Member [39%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,573	(if there is an INFP guy here that can help me out with my own romance issues, message me please. that'd be nice. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. )
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01-19-2009, 07:42 AM	#1
2501 New Member [01%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 9	Hello, please allow me to relate my story. I hope I don't bore you... Back in september I started college. Because of some reversals of fortune, I haven't really had the chance to focus on a higher education up until now (I tried a few times in the past but because one reason or other I ended up flunking out). As a result, I am a couple years older than most of my classmates and I feel slightly out of place. Despite, it has proceeded relatively smoothly. I've been a hermit for almost two years. When I started the course, I wanted to be left alone; I sat alone in class in one of the sides of the front row, next to the window, and didn't talk to anybody. For a month of so I managed to "stick to bussiness" and ignore my classmates; I only maintained relationship with some of the teachers, who I seldomly asked questions at the end of class. Some time after, I befriended an ISFP (he was kind of an outcast b/c he didn't fit in the SJ/SP male "clan" that had formed early on), and later on an ISTP (who insistently wanted to sit next to me in class even though there is no angle of vision, that's why I purposelly picked that seat. He is somewhat an outcast too). I still try to keep my distance with my classmates, to the point of having been nicknamed "Mr.Mistery" (a pretty cool nickname if I might add). Anyway... everything was okay up until november, when I got "involved" with an INFP girl who is not free. There are only 4 IN's and we all sit in the front row: an INTP female, very intelligent and hardworking, an INFJ female, an INTJ male, and the INFP girl(and me). She is very pretty and very kind. She tried approching me a few times, and I shoved her off the best I could (usually by giving her "The Wall"), other times I was even antagonistic towards her (using my knowledge of MBTI I exposed her weakness), before I even knew she had a boyfriend. I wanted her to stay way from me. I analyzed her and I had her pegged as INFP (also as enneagram 9) soon and I also noticed she had some type of problem/s, and I, having enough problems of my own (family, economic, health, psychological, recovering from a failed relationship...), if there was someone in class I especially wanted to avoid, it was her... unfortunately. Now in retrospect I realize that in fact, I was very attracted to her and I avoided her also because of this reason. All was to no avail. Her interest in me didn't seem to wane. She seemed to be waiting for any excuse to initiate conversation with me. She chased me around, closed distance physically with me for no apparent reason too. At this point, I did not know yet she was "taken". In fact, judging from her behavior, I had guessed she was single and suffering from some level of "avoidant personality disorder" (because she appeared to be avoidant with most people). Then one day she asked a favour of me in the middle of class. She wanted me to translate for her a text in English (she knew I spoke English, this is all in a non-English speaking country, and her friend, the INFJ, who also knows English, wasn't in class). The text was a reservation for a hotel. I translated it for her and gave it to her. All my classmates left and we were left alone in class. I asked her what it was, and she told me it was a trip she was going to have with her boyfriend. I felt a bit used, really. I noticed she was extremely nervous during this encounter; she went to get a pen and it was almost as if she had parkinson. I tried to capture her eyes insistently but she was very elusive. A few weeks later, we had a class meeting in a popular club for college students. She organized this meeting. I hesitated whether to go or not, in the end I went. After asking her a few probing questions I could tell that she wanted me to go. She arrived late (predictably so, she is always late), and I acted as a host for everyone until she arrived. I had my mates enter the club (it was very cold where we were waiting and people were hungry), I talked with the personnel and explained the situation, then went outside the club to wait for her (to be honest, all this was also a plan of mine). She arrived, and she was very beautiful, as always. "Where is everyone?" --she asked. "Ah! Don't worry, I took them inside. Everyone is already here". Then we entered the club, and the two free seats at the table were next to each other (I felt like I had been set up or something because I did not really want to sit next to her). We sat next to each other at the table, and througout the evening, there was obvious chemistry that I think even our mates noticed. I even flirted with her, and I was surprised to discover that I was able to do this flirting thing. I felt at home with her. The plan for the night was to eat at this club, and then go to a disco. Before going to the disco we went to drink to some park where college students gathered. Her boyfriend arrived while we were there. I did not like that fellow. I have an instinct with people and there was something about him that made me uneasy. He saw me and by the look of his eyes I could tell he did not like me either. I was sneakely watching the couple to see how they behaved, to try to discern what kind of relationship they had. I did not like what I saw, overall. I figured it was better if I left earlier and did not go to the disco (I had already warned her and my friends that probably I wouldn't go as there was class the next day and the entrance to the disco was expensive). The next day in class she was very weird, and not only because she probably had not slept anything, I could tell it was something else. We did not talk in the next week. Then, my ISFP friend asked me if I could ask her for photos of the meetup (this ISFP is an aesthete and he likes photography). I wondered why he didn't ask her himself. So i went and asked her for her photos, but I was going to tell her to send them to my ISFP friend, not me (still at this point wanted to keep my distance with her). And then it happened. I went to talk to her after a week without exchanging a word, and I looked her in the eyes. "Woosh!" I felt the arrow penetrating my heart (I could swear it hurt), and by the look of her, I think there were two arrows in the ecuation. We instantly diverted our eyes to the side. "...okay... send the photos to him", I said, and ran away. Goddamned Cupid. That evening I received an email from her (to the university email) telling me that she couldn't send me the photos, if I could give her my MSN and she sent them there. Didn't I tell her to send them to my ISFP friend? Stupid of me, I gave it to her. She waited two days to add me, and I think she noticed the next day in class that something was wrong with me (she is very smart and she makes plans/traps too). The next few days we avoided each other. Then one day I was in chemistry class. In the laboratory, I sit at the back, and she in the front. I was looking at her from behind, and honestly, I was being overwhelmed with emotions. I wanted to run and hug her and kiss her. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, just as if she was reading my mind or something, she turned her back and looked straight at me(wtf?). Whoosh! Another arrow just like the first one. Ouch! Anyways, this has led to us running away every time we bump into each other in class, usually after a deliberately shallow conversation on something class-related. During these encounters you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. It seems as if the world around dissapears... blurs, gaze locked on gaze. Paradoxically, since "the arrow", she grooms herself more to come to class, and she seems happier(?¿). I don't understand. And this is where we are now. I know she has not left her boyfriend because she has "I love you X, (L) blah blah" in her messenger nickname, and puts pictures of him with her, but there's something wrong with those pictures. She has not sent me the photos either and we've exchanged a few collegue related onversations that usually end with one of us abruptly running away and disconnecting. However, she has tried to turn the conversations "more personal", attempts that I have thwarted. Why doesn't she leave her boyfriend if she is not happy with him or she has fallen for me? Maybe she is caught in a bad relationship and she doesn't know how to get out of and needs help? Is she waiting for something? What should I do? Is this all in my head?? Am I doomed to a platonic relationship? I could really use some help, because I really really really like this girl, I think.. feel free to ask any questions thanks in advance...
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