Interracial Dating

**Andrew Popovici** · 11-16-2008, 10:28 AM

So, I'm Romanian (which classifies as white) and I have a hispanic (El Salvadorian) girlfriend. I love her, she loves me. Her parents are okay with it, my parents are being racist bastards about it. I seriously had no idea how prejudiced they could be. they offered arguments like it'll affect my school performance, I'll never get into Harvard that way, I have no time, but in the end, it all boiled down to race. I have no problem with it, they do. My dad was a little understanding (he hoped it'd be just a phase I'm going through), my mom suprised my by saying there are plenty of blond-haired, blue eyed, pretty american girls as well as cute Romanian/Italian girls and she doesn't want her kind in her house. This makes the black/white race struggle seem like a cakewalk!

So what do you guys say? First, your opinion on interracial dating, and then any advice.

**Nikita** · 11-16-2008, 10:33 AM

My first reaction is anger. I don't understand why racial issues matter, we're all people! Advice...maybe ask them what they would do if you had children with your g/f. Would they reject their grandchildren because of their race? I can't really think of anything more to tell you at the moment, but I'll think about it.

**rahdam** · 11-16-2008, 10:34 AM

Interracial Dating: Hell yes, greater genetic diversity leads to more fit offspring, in the evolutionary sense of the word. I have also noticed, anecdotally, that mixed race offspring are generally more attractive that pure race offspring.

Advice: Depends on how old you and how close you are to college. I would stick it out, Mom and Dad are not being reasonable from the sound of it.

**Mozzes** · 11-16-2008, 10:37 AM

Advice? Do what I would do - ignore your parents and date her anyways.

**Smotor** · 11-16-2008, 11:02 AM

I haven't done much dating (ok, any), but both of my brothers have dated a lot. My parents, especially my mom, always find something horribly wrong with any girlfriend either brother has had. I think some parents are prone to look for negatives first, therefore any potential mates are subject to extreme scrutiny.

However, race seems like a huge issue. Do other members of your family (grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc.) have the same views on the issue? I'm just curious where their racism is rooted.

Other than that, I agree with rahdam and Mozzes, definitely continue to date her, and if possible put some distance between you and your parents. This may help ease the tension and help them get some perspective. Maybe...

**Andrew Popovici** · 11-16-2008, 11:52 AM

Well, my mom (more than my dad) is horrified at what my other relatives will thinks, she is disgusted at the thought of babies walking around that look more hispanic than white, and she hates hispanics in general. My mother's parents dislike it when my mom married my dad. She was Baptist, he was Petecostal, but that was enough to set them off. (My mom's pastor said my dad would burn in hell).

What I hate is this traditional way of thinking. First it was going to friend's houses, then rock n' roll, then rap music, then it was school dances, etc. etc. etc. This latest one set me off, cuz all people are created equal! God loves them all equally! It's just simple logic, and why can't they see that?!?

**errrzarrr** · 11-16-2008, 12:08 PM

uhm, Interracial Relationships. Tastes good to meee!

**tp6626** · 11-16-2008, 12:17 PM

From my experience, the main thing is that your parents will feel embarrassed about it. Basically, the girl you end up with is a direct sign of how successful they have been as parents. Other factors that may produce a similar effect would be your educational choices, your job choices, or anything else that could in their eyes reflect badly on them.

They will be of the impression that all their friends and peers will snigger and act superior, taking that settling with a Hispanic girl is a sign that you have failed ("Oh but our Johnny is seeing a wonderful white american girl - and she's a doctor!). So, by you dating her, it is almost a direct insult to your parents reputation(s). It's not so much about what makes you happy, it's how it reflects on them and the family that is the real issue.

Your Harvard reference was also a telling clue. Some of my family are a little like that. They only want to know when you have something good to tell them that they can boast to their so called 'friends'. E.g. "Oh my grandson is going to Oxford, you know?" or "My nephew is in talks with Gordon Brown". They'd never want to say "Oh my nephew has become a trash-man" or "My son has married a girl with 5 children of different men".

Its all a reputation thing, and has very little to do with your happiness.

Difficult to get around, but you'd have to discuss this with your parents, and bring up that they're bothered about their reputations, and not really that bothered about your happiness. If they are sure if will effect your happiness, ask them to explain how. If it is what I outlined, they will be unable to provide rational answers. It will either be racism or social acceptance excuses.

However if they do come up with good reasons (I'm talking specific examples), I would advise you to listen to them. For example, if they said something like "You have been seeing her too much and your academic work is demonstrably suffering". Even in this case though, just the same could be true with an american girl, so it may indeed be a racist problem.

Difficult one. You could do what I do when you leave home. Partially disconnect, and make it clear that the people and choices you make in your life are no concern of your families. I did this, and my mother routinely interferes with my other two brothers lives, but she wouldn't dare with mine. I quite like it that way. (Or if she does when I finally take a girlfriend back to meet them, she'd better watch out, there'll be hell to pay)!!!

**Reon** · 11-16-2008, 12:21 PM

	Originally Posted by rahdam To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Interracial Dating: Hell yes, greater genetic diversity leads to more fit offspring, in the evolutionary sense of the word. I have also noticed, anecdotally, that mixed race offspring are generally more attractive that pure race offspring. Advice: Depends on how old you and how close you are to college. I would stick it out, Mom and Dad are not being reasonable from the sound of it.

Haha, I'm all for interracial dating, but dating someone for those reasons, especially the last one (which in my view is another racism comment, but thats for another thread) , isn't 'love'

**rahdam** · 11-16-2008, 12:23 PM

	Originally Posted by Serge To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Haha, I'm all for interracial dating, but dating someone for those reasons, especially the last one (which in my view is another racism comment, but thats for another thread) , isn't 'love'

It's an aesthetic argument based upon my own personal tastes (see: anecdotally).

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

**Gabrielle** · 11-16-2008, 12:29 PM

Considering that my criteria requires a guy taller than me and it's tough to find an Asian who is actually taller than me, I tend to date white guys, so I'm all for interracial dating. (I am not going to comment on the aesthetic value of the offspring, because I don't particularly find mixed races that attractive.) That being said...

I say, don't date. Dating in high school leads to more disasters than anything else, and 80% of the couple end up breaking up post-graduation anyway. It consumes time (Proof: if you did not have a girlfriend, you won't be having this problem so you won't be spending time writing this thread and following up on it), generally it's a huge hassle that can wait until college or even after. So you say you love... but high school is one of the most important time of your life. It may decide where you end up in the future, who you may marry (because there are greater chances of marrying someone you met at college or work, which will partially be determined BY which college you went to, and what you studied).

Honestly, are you two going to get married? I'll be frank... probably not. So while you may love her and you may like her, listen to your parents. At least while you're under their roof; less trouble for you, less screams from them, and generally less painful results over all.

**Autoptic** · 11-16-2008, 12:30 PM

This was the one point where my family will finally show their racism. I've mentioned it to Mother once and she reacted explosively. Of course, other than not dating at all, I've gone completely black sheep, and she's mellowed, so it's a non-issue. I agree with rahdam in the larger species sense. Breed until we're beige.

No family advice though, anyone dictating to my personal life is an enemy or just an idiot. I don't who they think they are.

**True Rune** · 11-16-2008, 12:43 PM

I have no problems with interracial dating. Even though I'm not sexual, I still can tell a pretty girl when I see one. And race usually does not play into how I see a girl. I'd say an above post is correct. It's not about you, it's about them and how they will look. Do you live in a society where that is what makes you important? (If you're talking about Harvard, I doubt it.) Does your girlfriend know? If you continue to date her, will you lose out on college and other things? I'd say plan carefully, and know what to do by expecting the worst.
(Too many times have parents like this presented an ultimatum)

**Reon** · 11-16-2008, 12:48 PM

	Originally Posted by rahdam To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It's an aesthetic argument based upon my own personal tastes (see: anecdotally). Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

haha, alrighty then. what I'd do now (being in an interracial relationship previously) is just wait till you leave home.

**Marcus** · 11-16-2008, 01:45 PM

I agree with tp6626, it's probably more about lower social status than race.

**Vagrant** · 11-16-2008, 03:55 PM


	Breed until we're beige.

If this forum had signatures, I'd so put that in mine.

Frankly, I think tp6266 hit the nail on the head -- they're worried more about their reputation than your happiness. If they're logical parents, gently point out how illogical they're being about race.

**seoa** · 11-16-2008, 04:21 PM

	Originally Posted by tp6626 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Basically, the girl you end up with is a direct sign of how successful they have been as parents.

i also agree with TP.

the solution...? tell them that it's ok, you're not really dating her, she's just providing you with a cover story, since you're not ready to come out to your school friends yet.

yes, that's right - you're gay...!

play with this for a week or two... once they've realised how much they will *not* want to be telling their friends that story, they'll be much more accepting of any kind of girl... (i'm assuming here that they have this prejudice along with all the others you listed)

(and yes, i'm joking... sort of...
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**tp6626** · 11-16-2008, 04:26 PM

Well, you could get them to know her, and see what she's like. But the point is you shouldn't have to. Plus, some people cannot always be swayed, especially where their reputations are concerned.

Seoa has a point. You could show them what really is bad.

However, I have seen with a number of people that nothing is good enough for them. There's always something that could be better.

That's not your problem though, it's theirs. If they feel there's something missing, it's something in their head that they have to change. But alas, they're more likely to choose to go on getting stressed, being unhappy, and drifting away from their offspring.

Their choice really. Strange what people will sacrifice for social convention. Makes me glad to be an INTJ.

**Andrew Popovici** · 11-16-2008, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by seoa
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i also agree with TP.

the solution...? tell them that it's ok, you're not really dating her, she's just providing you with a cover story, since you're not ready to come out to your school friends yet.

yes, that's right - you're gay...!

play with this for a week or two... once they've realised how much they will *not* want to be telling their friends that story, they'll be much more accepting of any kind of girl... (i'm assuming here that they have this prejudice along with all the others you listed)

(and yes, i'm joking... sort of...
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Oh, that's tempting!
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...But the thing is, it is about reputation, they doknow it, and they're not willing to be logical!

Sinequanon · 11-16-2008, 04:58 PM

My father is going to have a problem with my SO (she's white). I know this because he already mentioned it to my sister when she was younger. I plan to pull him aside and let him know that I will refuse to ever speak to him again if I ever hear him bring her race up as a negative. Plain and simple.

**tp6626** · 11-16-2008, 05:15 PM

	Originally Posted by Sinequanon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My father is going to have a problem with my SO (she's white). I know this because he already mentioned it to my sister when she was younger. I plan to pull him aside and let him know that I will refuse to ever speak to him again if I ever hear him bring her race up as a negative. Plain and simple.

Good stance. Get it in first, and it's his choice then. You're effectively forcing him to swallow his pride and change. Just cross your fingers it doesn't go the other way.

**Zhen** · 11-16-2008, 05:48 PM

	Originally Posted by Andrew Popovici To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Oh, that's tempting! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. But the thing is, it is about reputation, they doknow it, and they're not willing to be logical!

haha great idea Seoa!

Andrew, I have had a similar experience at least in terms of the distinguished line of high achievers/career status thing and feeling compelled to do things out of parental approval...what I have learnt, don't be afraid to take a stand -because we only get one shot at life and it's your right to be Happy!

Just think you could one day be miserable in a vacuous and soulless marriage without love just because your spouse looks like Barbie and has the right qualifications...what a meaningless exterior you are living?

Maybe follow their wishes a little longer but definitely don't let what they want compromise your right to be happy in the long run. If they truly love you and see you unhappy, one day they will really feel guilt and remorse over their impositions.

**Vandit** · 11-16-2008, 06:09 PM

You say you love her and she loves you -- if this were the case you wouldn't have to ask the question. There comes a time in one's life when you have to make a choice -- your time is now. Who do you plan to live your life for? Who are you really trying to make happy? You or your parents?

**Vagrant** · 11-16-2008, 06:29 PM

	Originally Posted by tp6626 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Good stance. Get it in first, and it's his choice then. You're effectively forcing him to swallow his pride and change. Just cross your fingers it doesn't go the other way.

Of course, if it does go the other way, would you really still want to hang around him?

**changos** · 11-16-2008, 06:30 PM

Interracial relationships *might* be a problem as for the cultural differences and life styles. But if you match, get along and are willing to try, then... there is no problem.

* Cultural and life styles differences appear even with people of your same race living across the street.

11-16-2008, 10:28 AM	#1
Andrew Popovici Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 216	So, I'm Romanian (which classifies as white) and I have a hispanic (El Salvadorian) girlfriend. I love her, she loves me. Her parents are okay with it, my parents are being racist bastards about it. I seriously had no idea how prejudiced they could be. they offered arguments like it'll affect my school performance, I'll never get into Harvard that way, I have no time, but in the end, it all boiled down to race. I have no problem with it, they do. My dad was a little understanding (he hoped it'd be just a phase I'm going through), my mom suprised my by saying there are plenty of blond-haired, blue eyed, pretty american girls as well as cute Romanian/Italian girls and she doesn't want her kind in her house. This makes the black/white race struggle seem like a cakewalk! So what do you guys say? First, your opinion on interracial dating, and then any advice.
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11-16-2008, 10:33 AM	#2
Nikita Core Member [555%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 22,213	My first reaction is anger. I don't understand why racial issues matter, we're all people! Advice...maybe ask them what they would do if you had children with your g/f. Would they reject their grandchildren because of their race? I can't really think of anything more to tell you at the moment, but I'll think about it.
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11-16-2008, 10:34 AM	#3
rahdam Core Member [219%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 8,771	Interracial Dating: Hell yes, greater genetic diversity leads to more fit offspring, in the evolutionary sense of the word. I have also noticed, anecdotally, that mixed race offspring are generally more attractive that pure race offspring. Advice: Depends on how old you and how close you are to college. I would stick it out, Mom and Dad are not being reasonable from the sound of it.
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11-16-2008, 10:37 AM	#4
Mozzes Veteran Member [50%] MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 2,008	Advice? Do what I would do - ignore your parents and date her anyways.
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11-16-2008, 11:02 AM	#5
Smotor Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 89	I haven't done much dating (ok, any), but both of my brothers have dated a lot. My parents, especially my mom, always find something horribly wrong with any girlfriend either brother has had. I think some parents are prone to look for negatives first, therefore any potential mates are subject to extreme scrutiny. However, race seems like a huge issue. Do other members of your family (grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc.) have the same views on the issue? I'm just curious where their racism is rooted. Other than that, I agree with rahdam and Mozzes, definitely continue to date her, and if possible put some distance between you and your parents. This may help ease the tension and help them get some perspective. Maybe... Last edited by Smotor; 11-16-2008 at 07:53 PM. Reason: Misspelled rahdam
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11-16-2008, 11:52 AM	#6
Andrew Popovici Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 216	Well, my mom (more than my dad) is horrified at what my other relatives will thinks, she is disgusted at the thought of babies walking around that look more hispanic than white, and she hates hispanics in general. My mother's parents dislike it when my mom married my dad. She was Baptist, he was Petecostal, but that was enough to set them off. (My mom's pastor said my dad would burn in hell). What I hate is this traditional way of thinking. First it was going to friend's houses, then rock n' roll, then rap music, then it was school dances, etc. etc. etc. This latest one set me off, cuz all people are created equal! God loves them all equally! It's just simple logic, and why can't they see that?!?
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11-16-2008, 12:08 PM	#7
errrzarrr Member [15%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 612	uhm, Interracial Relationships. Tastes good to meee!
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11-16-2008, 12:17 PM	#8
tp6626 Core Member [108%] MBTI: iNTj Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 4,338	From my experience, the main thing is that your parents will feel embarrassed about it. Basically, the girl you end up with is a direct sign of how successful they have been as parents. Other factors that may produce a similar effect would be your educational choices, your job choices, or anything else that could in their eyes reflect badly on them. They will be of the impression that all their friends and peers will snigger and act superior, taking that settling with a Hispanic girl is a sign that you have failed ("Oh but our Johnny is seeing a wonderful white american girl - and she's a doctor!). So, by you dating her, it is almost a direct insult to your parents reputation(s). It's not so much about what makes you happy, it's how it reflects on them and the family that is the real issue. Your Harvard reference was also a telling clue. Some of my family are a little like that. They only want to know when you have something good to tell them that they can boast to their so called 'friends'. E.g. "Oh my grandson is going to Oxford, you know?" or "My nephew is in talks with Gordon Brown". They'd never want to say "Oh my nephew has become a trash-man" or "My son has married a girl with 5 children of different men". Its all a reputation thing, and has very little to do with your happiness. Difficult to get around, but you'd have to discuss this with your parents, and bring up that they're bothered about their reputations, and not really that bothered about your happiness. If they are sure if will effect your happiness, ask them to explain how. If it is what I outlined, they will be unable to provide rational answers. It will either be racism or social acceptance excuses. However if they do come up with good reasons (I'm talking specific examples), I would advise you to listen to them. For example, if they said something like "You have been seeing her too much and your academic work is demonstrably suffering". Even in this case though, just the same could be true with an american girl, so it may indeed be a racist problem. Difficult one. You could do what I do when you leave home. Partially disconnect, and make it clear that the people and choices you make in your life are no concern of your families. I did this, and my mother routinely interferes with my other two brothers lives, but she wouldn't dare with mine. I quite like it that way. (Or if she does when I finally take a girlfriend back to meet them, she'd better watch out, there'll be hell to pay)!!!
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11-16-2008, 12:29 PM	#11
Gabrielle Member [09%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 371	Considering that my criteria requires a guy taller than me and it's tough to find an Asian who is actually taller than me, I tend to date white guys, so I'm all for interracial dating. (I am not going to comment on the aesthetic value of the offspring, because I don't particularly find mixed races that attractive.) That being said... I say, don't date. Dating in high school leads to more disasters than anything else, and 80% of the couple end up breaking up post-graduation anyway. It consumes time (Proof: if you did not have a girlfriend, you won't be having this problem so you won't be spending time writing this thread and following up on it), generally it's a huge hassle that can wait until college or even after. So you say you love... but high school is one of the most important time of your life. It may decide where you end up in the future, who you may marry (because there are greater chances of marrying someone you met at college or work, which will partially be determined BY which college you went to, and what you studied). Honestly, are you two going to get married? I'll be frank... probably not. So while you may love her and you may like her, listen to your parents. At least while you're under their roof; less trouble for you, less screams from them, and generally less painful results over all. Last edited by Gabrielle; 11-16-2008 at 12:46 PM.
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11-16-2008, 12:30 PM	#12
Autoptic Core Member [105%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 4,230	This was the one point where my family will finally show their racism. I've mentioned it to Mother once and she reacted explosively. Of course, other than not dating at all, I've gone completely black sheep, and she's mellowed, so it's a non-issue. I agree with rahdam in the larger species sense. Breed until we're beige. No family advice though, anyone dictating to my personal life is an enemy or just an idiot. I don't who they think they are.
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11-16-2008, 12:43 PM	#13
True Rune Core Member [200%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 8,028	I have no problems with interracial dating. Even though I'm not sexual, I still can tell a pretty girl when I see one. And race usually does not play into how I see a girl. I'd say an above post is correct. It's not about you, it's about them and how they will look. Do you live in a society where that is what makes you important? (If you're talking about Harvard, I doubt it.) Does your girlfriend know? If you continue to date her, will you lose out on college and other things? I'd say plan carefully, and know what to do by expecting the worst. (Too many times have parents like this presented an ultimatum) Last edited by True Rune; 11-16-2008 at 01:03 PM.
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11-16-2008, 01:45 PM	#15
Marcus Member [25%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,027	I agree with tp6626, it's probably more about lower social status than race.
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11-16-2008, 04:26 PM	#18
tp6626 Core Member [108%] MBTI: iNTj Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 4,338	Well, you could get them to know her, and see what she's like. But the point is you shouldn't have to. Plus, some people cannot always be swayed, especially where their reputations are concerned. Seoa has a point. You could show them what really is bad. However, I have seen with a number of people that nothing is good enough for them. There's always something that could be better. That's not your problem though, it's theirs. If they feel there's something missing, it's something in their head that they have to change. But alas, they're more likely to choose to go on getting stressed, being unhappy, and drifting away from their offspring. Their choice really. Strange what people will sacrifice for social convention. Makes me glad to be an INTJ.
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11-16-2008, 04:58 PM	#20
Sinequanon Veteran Member [96%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 3,879	My father is going to have a problem with my SO (she's white). I know this because he already mentioned it to my sister when she was younger. I plan to pull him aside and let him know that I will refuse to ever speak to him again if I ever hear him bring her race up as a negative. Plain and simple.
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11-16-2008, 06:09 PM	#23
Vandit New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 2	You say you love her and she loves you -- if this were the case you wouldn't have to ask the question. There comes a time in one's life when you have to make a choice -- your time is now. Who do you plan to live your life for? Who are you really trying to make happy? You or your parents?
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11-16-2008, 06:30 PM	#25
changos Member [48%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 1,944	Interracial relationships might be a problem as for the cultural differences and life styles. But if you match, get along and are willing to try, then... there is no problem. * Cultural and life styles differences appear even with people of your same race living across the street.
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