[Pandemonium]

Could anyone give me any insight on how a intj infj relationship would work? I have been studying this interesting girl (infj) for well almost a year now and i still have not made a a decision about whether or not I want to pursue a relationship with her. She is intelligent and highly intuitive, which is probably what attracted me to her. She shares similar goals and objectives as i do. I think she would bring structure and order as i would bring endless insight.

Well the main thing I want to know is; Will it work? How does it work?

Another thing makes me think, i have not been in a relationship in 4 years and for two years of that i was a total social hermit. My thoughts on relationships for the last couple year has been limited to deducing why are people so irrational in one.

If you have any thoughts on theories on this trivial matter voice them.

[cheewagacheewag]

Dude, just freaking pursue the relationship. You won't know until you go for it. Besides, it's hard to fully analyze a human being inside and out so you will always be wrong. It's all about chemistry and interaction. If you two just "click" without too much thinking, then that's your green light. If you sit around analyzing and thinking too much, then you won't get anywhere. You're going to have to make the leap eventually. Do it now, or don't even bother with it.

Emotions are supposed to be irrational. It took me about 10-years to finally say, "screw my brain when it comes to relationships"! Now I have been more free and meeting a lot of women.

[Fanowene]

	Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Emotions are supposed to be irrational. It took me about 10-years to finally say, "screw my brain when it comes to relationships"! Now I have been more free and meeting a lot of women.

Does meeting a lot of women increase the probability of having a successful relationship? I personally seem to be scared off by men who seem to be approaching too many women. At least that's the impression I get of myself... So maybe you are scaring off the women you really would want to be in a relationship with by approaching so many others?

[Nikita]

And does it occur to anyone that analyzing whether you should or should not pursue a person based on typology and the likelihood thereof of a positive and worthwhile connection is pretty pointless since individual differences can make the difference in any combination of personality types? MBTI was not designed to be used as a tool with which to make every life decision. Likewise, it's not supposed to be the scapegoat, "well I'm an INTJ, that's what I do, so get over it."

Just consider how you feel about her now in light of what you've observed of her, listen to your heart and your gray matter head and just try and figure out whether she is someone you would regret NOT pursuing. Do you want to say, "What if?" Or is the greater evil having pursued her and later saying, "What now?"

[Indubitably]

	Originally Posted by Nikita To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do you want to say, "What if?"

lol "What if?" is like the INTJ anthem. At the very least it is a close second behind "does it work?". Hes probably already driving himself nuts with imagining a million different ways it could go wrong. You're right though, its better to put your neck on the line and give it a shot. All to often INTJs seem to be their own worst enemy when it comes to matters of the heart.

[cheewagacheewag]

	Originally Posted by Fanowene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Does meeting a lot of women increase the probability of having a successful relationship? I personally seem to be scared off by men who seem to be approaching too many women. At least that's the impression I get of myself... So maybe you are scaring off the women you really would want to be in a relationship with by approaching so many others?

Yes, meeting women and going out there and dating gives you experience and increases your odd of finding the right match. How are you going to really know what you want if you keep waiting and waiting? There is no perfect match for you. It's about going out there and experiencing life and enjoying it. As us INTJ folks know, we're not doing this blindly. I don't just randomly pick women out of a bad select pool. I definitely get to know them, but I immediately express my interest to them and it works so well. I used to be like the original poster where I kept thinking and analyzing. All that does is gives you reasons NOT to pursue anybody because you will find something wrong. I did this type of thinking in terms of relationships for 10-years. I'm telling you, it's not worth it. Just trust your emotions on this one, despite our superior ability to rationalize and pull logic out of everything. You need to put that aside and let go.

Since you are turned off by men who go for "too many" women, then that's your preference. If a women is scared off by me being too straight forward and aggressive about my interest in her, then she isn't the right one for me. It's as simple as that.

[Fanowene]

Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Yes, meeting women and going out there and dating gives you experience and increases your odd of finding the right match. How are you going to really know what you want if you keep waiting and waiting? There is no perfect match for you. Since you are turned off by men who go for "too many" women, then that's your preference. If a women is scared off by me being too straight forward and aggressive about my interest in her, then she isn't the right one for me. It's as simple as that.

Fair enough. :-)

I mean, if you did go for a lot of women, you'd really have to prove to me that you took me seriously and weren't just playing around and ready to discard me without a second glance (aka ignoring my "feelings", whatever that means to an INTJ...
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Something doesn't really add up here... Maybe it's more ignoring the general confusion in my thinking process, then? Messing with my head and just leaving me to clean it up?).

Right now I am trying to figure out what my balance is between waiting and trying... I basically asked that question well knowing that people might just ignore my input because they think it's a totally stupid and ignorant one. I just wanted your insight on it.

I wouldn't necessarily be scared off by somebody who is aggressive, it's more I wouldn't really appreciate the knowledge that you might do that to several women, that I might not be special in that sense.

[cheewagacheewag]

Originally Posted by Fanowene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Fair enough. :-) I mean, if you did go for a lot of women, you'd really have to prove to me that you took me seriously and weren't just playing around and ready to discard me without a second glance (aka ignoring my "feelings", whatever that means to an INTJ... To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Something doesn't really add up here... Maybe it's more ignoring the general confusion in my thinking process, then? Messing with my head and just leaving me to clean it up?). Right now I am trying to figure out what my balance is between waiting and trying... I basically asked that question well knowing that people might just ignore my input because they think it's a totally stupid and ignorant one. I just wanted your insight on it. I wouldn't necessarily be scared off by somebody who is aggressive, it's more I wouldn't really appreciate the knowledge that you might do that to several women, that I might not be special in that sense.

When I go out with women, I'm not sleeping with them and dumping them. I'm not pretending anything. I'm being straight forward and honest with them in that I would like to get to know them better and am looking for something serious. I also don't rush anything either because I want to make sure I'll be serious with the right person. Come on - I'm an INTJ!!! The key point is that I have options available to me. Now, as long as I'm being honest with them, then I cannot control how they feel, or what they will feel. That is up to themselves. And it goes both ways. Maybe the woman isn't interested in me so I'll be a little bummed about it. But I realize that it's not the end of the world and that there really are plenty of fish in the sea.

[Fanowene]

So, cheewagacheewag, how often do you ask women out (or ask)? (I'd be interested to hear other people's answer to this one too, though.)

Just curious...

[cheewagacheewag]

Right now 3 girls (2 INTJ's and 1 ENFP, I think) in the past 2-months. If I meet another girl and she sounds interesting, then I'll ask her out, too! I usually meet women through other women, believe it or not. The best way for me to meet women is to let my female friends know that I am looking. They usually end up introducing me to one of their friends, or inviting me to a party where I can meet new people.

[Fanowene]

	Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Right now 3 girls (2 INTJ's and 1 ENFP, I think) in the past 2-months.

Wow... I don't think I could handle that much pressure... So much thinking... And I don't like to get too much attention, too much demand, from too many sides... I don't want to disappoint anybody.
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I wouldn't want to come across as "cheap" either, for just going with the next best person. Although, I guess that depends on what your attitude is to begin with. At the moment, my attitude would not be compatible with asking out so many people.

I think I should think about what I want my attitude to be...

[cheewagacheewag]

I go out there and not think about it. I really let myself relax and just enjoy the moment and be who I am. By doing that, I really don't stress myself out. And if I disappoint them, then it just wasn't meant to be because I am being who I really am. Not sure how old you are, but as you get older, you really start to not give a crap about what people think about you.

I am 28-years old, by the way.

[Fanowene]

I'm just about 20.5 ...

[cheewagacheewag]

	Originally Posted by Fanowene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm just about 20.5 ...

Are you in college right now? Looking back, I totally regretted not socializing more and meeting women. I was over thinking too much on which girl I should ask out and if I should just be friends or what. Exactly like the original poster of this thread. Now that I am out of college and not in any classes anymore, I don't have the easy opportunity to meet women. So my advice would be to enjoy your college years and really socialize and meet guys. I'm not saying sleep with them, but just to seize the opportunity to have fun and potentially get involved in a great relationship.

[Acextreme]

Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Are you in college right now? Looking back, I totally regretted not socializing more and meeting women. I was over thinking too much on which girl I should ask out and if I should just be friends or what. Exactly like the original poster of this thread. Now that I am out of college and not in any classes anymore, I don't have the easy opportunity to meet women. So my advice would be to enjoy your college years and really socialize and meet guys. I'm not saying sleep with them, but just to seize the opportunity to have fun and potentially get involved in a great relationship.

Haha, that's what's worrying her the last time she asked about this. Honestly, Fanowene, just go on a date. As friends, if you like to call it. It's through dating that you can see how that person really is like inside. Yes, he might put on a strong front but personality is personality, it's defined as the predisposition to behave in certain ways under certain situations. So sooner or later, he would be exposing his real person; he can't be en guard the whole year.

And you really shouldn't think so much, just go out and have fun, nothing's wrong with meeting new people over coffee or movie. It's activities that you do with friends. And from there, you can also see what you like and don't like about a certain person; you discover yourself. As an analogy, you won't know what the taste of sweet is unless you have experienced it; so sitting there all day analyzing what is the taste of sweet like and if you would enjoy it is pointless.

Just my 2 cents, anyway...but if that open up your perspective, good, you can thank me later. I certainly hope it does, though.

P.S. And btw, dates are meant to be no obligations, so don't even feel pressured. If the guy adds pressure on you during the dating phrase, don't give in to it. It's like sample testing for goods, you are not to feel obligated to buy if you don't like it. Don't let anyone 'force' you into responsibility that you aren't ready to bear...that's the purpose of dating, designed to let potential lovers check each other out and having the option to leave with no need to feel guilty or obligated for whatever reason. No risk...

[Marcus]

	Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Right now 3 girls (2 INTJ's and 1 ENFP, I think) in the past 2-months.

And do you see yourself settling for one in the near future, or are you just enjoying life?

[cheewagacheewag]

Acextreme: EXACTLY! I'm glad another INTJ gets it, and hopefully you are younger than me.

	Originally Posted by Marcus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	And do you see yourself settling for one in the near future, or are you just enjoying life?

It's too early to say, but for the moment I am enjoy life and enjoying these women's company. I come away learning something new from these experiences. Like anything in life, practice makes perfect!

It's kind of like going out and looking for a new car or a new home, but instead of buying, you are renting. Try it before you buy it, so to speak! The only difference is that us INTJ's are so damn self-conscious and critical of ourselves that we worry about what they will think and over analyze. You have to drop that kind of thinking. Do you care what the car thinks about you? What the house thinks about you?

[JonD]

This is for pandemonium, since the discussion got a bit side-tracked. I think you should go for it anyways, since you won't really know until you try. I find over-thinking things is difficult with people. After all, one of the most frustrating thing to us INTJ's, is that people do not behave like 100% rational beings :-). We aren't always the best at predicting how social situations will go.

I'm an INTJ dating an INFJ, and we've been dating for just over one year. I have to say, having dated ESFP's, and a couple others, this has been the best match for me. We are similar in all the ways that I like, such as intuitive, and judging. So we can gossip about people we know and be judgemental assholes, but we can also brainstorm ideas, and have very in depth conversations on pretty much anything. The first night she slept over, we spent more time talking about politics than anything else
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.

The 'feeling', I will admit, can frustrate me at sometimes. Particularly since girls are more emotional than guys, but also because of this F trait. I'd suggest, be very concious of your actions, because I do have a tendency to not notice when I mistreat her, sometimes.

But, overall, I'd say INFJ's are a great match for the INTJ, but please don't base your actions off of this post, or this thread. A couple examples of this kind of relationship don't do justice to it's complexity. Go for it, and see if it works. Don't sit back, and wonder if it will work.

[Acextreme]

	Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Acextreme: EXACTLY! I'm glad another INTJ gets it, and hopefully you are younger than me.

Yeah, I am younger than you but not by much...only 2 years.

[Fanowene]

	Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do you care what the car thinks about you? What the house thinks about you?

No, but cars and houses don't have brains or feelings (except for the electronics and stuff, but those most likely aren't programmed to really care about their renter/owner).

I'll have to think about this some more... as horrified as you may be to hear this.
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I have to think about it some more, and maybe change some definitions in my system... I think I'm in the process of a general renovation of my system anyway, to make it more flexible.

( Show Spoiler )

Oh, and even when I am sampling something in a store, I feel pressured a little. After all, by sampling I am saying that I'm at least somewhat interested in their product. And if I don't buy it, I'm either saying that I wasn't really interested in the first place and just wanted free food or whatever, or that I don't really like it (which isn't very uplifting to the person who has to receive that message), or...

Lets get back to the actual topic of this thread... I don't think I can contribute very much to it, though.

[PortInStorm]

Pandemonium, this isn't supposed to be harsh, but you asked for any input.


a) you said you've been a social hermit for the last few years, so you might want to brush up on your social skills before starting a relationship with her
b) your insight on relationship is essentially that they are irrational, which may indicate you should pay attention to your romantic abilities,
c) you said you would be the one who would provide the insight, and she'd just be the order and structure. Well yes, for sure she's an individual, but even if she were an absolute 'model' INFJ, she's not SJ so it's not like she's likely to be a scheduling maniac. You may want to rethink this characterization- it seems a little demeaning to imply that she has no insights to offer...

Just my two cents.

[jikin]

I agree with the general idea that you should just go for it. You will never know if you never try.

I also agree with everyting PortInStorm said. Just because she is not a Rational personality type doesn't mean she's irrational and has no intelligent insights. Assume nothing about an INFJ. It is probably the hardest to read type and a lot of time what you see on the surface has nothing to do with what is actually going on. You may find yourself very suprised with what she's really like if you do pursue her.

In an INTJ/INFJ relationship it is easy for the INFJ to get the short end of the stick. If you do go for it make certain to remember that INFJs do want confirmation and don't handle criticism as well as INTJs.

[Marcus]

	Originally Posted by cheewagacheewag To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It's kind of like going out and looking for a new car or a new home, but instead of buying, you are renting. Try it before you buy it, so to speak!

I agree that you should go for a relationship if you click with someone, but 3 tries in month seemed to suggest that you did not really click, after all.

BTW, I've just bought a car without trying out any models, and I'm completely satisfied with it.

[Canegrande]

Go for it! You won't know how a relationship with her is unless you are in a relationship (however tenuous) with her. BTW, I'm married to an INFJ (10 years and going !) and we get along splendidly (most of the time).

[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by JonD To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is for pandemonium, since the discussion got a bit side-tracked.

Same here. ...Let's try to keep this on topic.

Pandemonium, I think you should look at it from varying points of view. I personally think that the "Try it, and that way you'll know" line of thought is a huge crock. Why don't you take up smoking to see if you'd get cancer while you're at it? But I'm bitter and cynical, so of course I'd be dismissive and say something logically flawed like that. That's not my point here.

My real advice is to look at it while keeping in mind the questions, "What possible ways could this turn out, and how would those outcomes fit with what I really want," "Would it be worth the effort," and "Am I willing to accept the possible effects of success/failure?" Answer those questions honestly and you might come up with an answer of whether or not you should pursue a relationship with her.

And just for the record, I can assure you that an INFJ and an INTJ can be a very good fit-- but as has been pointed out, MBTI type only gives you one scrap out of all the countless variables involved in these situations.