[Kryptonite]

Okay, so..... If you read other threads, I was falling for INTJ bad... asked for advice on how to get his attention. Your advice worked, and I mean worked in a great big forest fire way.

details:
He is brilliant-small touch of Asbergers
Thinks I am brilliant- might be in haze of attraction
few weeks in now and we have been attached at hip- both of us acknowledging that the areas of our brain that are the least functional are the other's strong suit and in his word's "we are quite a team". Physical chemistry between us is absolutely unreal. I mean, 'holy shit' unreal. Both of us are able to help other dramatically improve lives with in days and easily and fluidly both of us clearly understand and can explain the answer to the other about solution to problems. It is not one sided. He listens to me and has made major decisions based on my advice and has had success so far. Same is true in reverse.

He has started to actively take care of me, in those small ways that really tug at your heart. He is affectionate (in private of course) and has opened up about his feelings and struggles.

I am genuinely happy.......BUT....it all seems way to good to be true. I mean fairytale shit. For real. Craziness. How to I keep this fire burning but under control at the same time. Is this normal for an INTJ when he/she finally decides on the target of desire?

This man, my GOD, I can't even think strait and that is spectacularly rare for me. It has become difficult to fit all of this in my head. good times.

Volvo is great by the way....

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He is affectionate (in private of course)

Of course?

[thecase]

Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Okay, so..... If you read other threads, I was falling for INTJ bad... asked for advice on how to get his attention. Your advice worked, and I mean worked in a great big forest fire way. details: He is brilliant-small touch of Asbergers Thinks I am brilliant- might be in haze of attraction few weeks in now and we have been attached at hip- both of us acknowledging that the areas of our brain that are the least functional are the other's strong suit and in his word's "we are quite a team". Physical chemistry between us is absolutely unreal. I mean, 'holy shit' unreal. Both of us are able to help other dramatically improve lives with in days and easily and fluidly both of us clearly understand and can explain the answer to the other about solution to problems. It is not one sided. He listens to me and has made major decisions based on my advice and has had success so far. Same is true in reverse. He has started to actively take care of me, in those small ways that really tug at your heart. He is affectionate (in private of course) and has opened up about his feelings and struggles. I am genuinely happy.......BUT....it all seems way to good to be true. I mean fairytale shit. For real. Craziness. How to I keep this fire burning but under control at the same time. Is this normal for an INTJ when he/she finally decides on the target of desire? This man, my GOD, I can't even think strait and that is spectacularly rare for me. It has become difficult to fit all of this in my head. good times. Volvo is great by the way....

Sounds normal. I've been with my INTJ for almost a year, and it still feels too good to be true, I still can't think straight, and it still feels like a fairy tale. And I'm fairly certain my SO feels the same way. He'll still sends me spontaneous texts from the office like, "God I am so lucky I met you. You are fun and sexy and funny and we can have long intellectual conversations together" Things like this always make my day because I know these statements are coming from an honest place.

And, it only gets better every day. Seriously. Every day when he gets home from work I get the huge smile on my face and he only looks more attractive than the day before.

INTJs are honest. So if he is portraying all these feelings to you, they are not to win you over, they are not exaggerated, he just probably is, this into you.

My one piece of advice it don't play games, don't try to become distant because of the fear of things going to well, or thinking all men need a hard to get woman. This is hard for me to accept, which is why I'm sharing. I am used to these games, in the past, dating feelers (immature feelers), and they all basically egged me on to play games. I had to be distant to retain their desire for me. I know my INTJ really has no tolerance and want for artificial dynamics. Whenever I feel this urge to play some kind of immature game, I let him know that I feel that way, even though I know I'm being ridiculous. And he reassures me that he has no tolerance for that, and he likes a relaxed and drama free relationship (which I do too!)

[Cooper]

Fastest way to make an INTJ exit stage left is to retreat. Yeah, we come on fast and strong...dead on target, and it freaks people out. When it comes to people, we know what we want, when we want it, and have zero social graces (as was pointed out to me).

[AnaK]

	Originally Posted by thecase To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am used to these games, in the past, dating feelers (immature feelers), and they all basically egged me on to play games.

I think this is an inaccurate and gross generalization. In my opinion 'T's are the ones who tend to be manipulative and play games while I, a feeler, just do what I feel without premeditation or any thought of strategy.

[thecase]

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think this is an inaccurate and gross generalization. In my opinion 'T's are the ones who tend to be manipulative and play games while I, a feeler, just do what I feel without premeditation or any thought of strategy.

I don't know if feelers play games, but whenever I dated a feeler I felt I had to play games to appeal to their emotions. They couldn't just be content with the status quo. They couldn't just be content with simplicity and a drama free relationship.

Again, I noted that I believe I dated immature feelers, to purposely avoid generalizing too much.

---------- Post added 06-16-2012 at 12:54 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Cooper To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Fastest way to make an INTJ exit stage left is to retreat. Yeah, we come on fast and strong...dead on target, and it freaks people out. When it comes to people, we know what we want, when we want it, and have zero social graces (as was pointed out to me).

I completely agree. Even as an INTJ female, I'm the same way
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.

[AnaK]

	Originally Posted by thecase To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't know if feelers play games, but whenever I dated a feeler I felt I had to play games to appeal to their emotions. They couldn't just be content with the status quo. They couldn't just be content with simplicity and a drama free relationship. Again, I noted that I believe I dated immature feelers, to purposely avoid generalizing too much.

I find this hard to believe actually. I would think that many feelers, especially immature feelers, would have a tendency to be insecure and would need to be constantly reassured that someone wants them around. However, I have seen many 'T's on here say they like someone who is a challenge.

	Originally Posted by thecase To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	had to be distant to retain their desire for me.

I think the "drama" you experienced may have been because you were not reassuring enough, not that you needed to be distant.

I think the relationship withe the OP works because she is not really a feeler. I think sharing the T/F trait may make relationships easier.

[ElstonGunn]

Well, your relationship is going to change. And that's a good thing. All relationships change and develop. It's unavoidable, and even if it weren't, it would get boring if everything stayed the same. But the real question is whether the change is good or bad. Whether the relationship grows and develops, or if instead, it goes sour and unenjoyable.

Things are going very well at this point. I say, try not to think about it too much and just enjoy the ride. But do keep it in the back of your mind that a blazing fire has to either eventually turn into toasty warm coals, or else consume everything in its path. What I mean is that the excitement that you have now is good, and the comfortable familiarity that will most likely come later is also good. Don't mistake any change for a bad change.

	Originally Posted by thecase To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	INTJs are honest. So if he is portraying all these feelings to you, they are not to win you over, they are not exaggerated, he just probably is, this into you.

I agree. I take my own honesty for granted sometimes, even to the point that I occasionally forget that other people do things differently. If he tells you something, believe it. Any time spent on the question "What did he really mean when he said..." is a waste of time.

	Originally Posted by thecase To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Whenever I feel this urge to play some kind of immature game, I let him know that I feel that way, even though I know I'm being ridiculous.

I think that's an excellent idea. When you're dealing with someone like an INTJ, there is usually something to be gained by being honest about your thoughts and feelings. As long as you present them tactfully and with a bit of detachment (enough that you can look at them from an external perspective), you'll be able to sort them out together.

Conversely most (but not all) of us tend to be very poor "mind-readers." Other types are usually better at applying what they know about you to figure out what to do without you telling them. There are pros and cons to this, but as long as you don't expect him to act like someone else, you'll be fine.

	Originally Posted by Cooper To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Fastest way to make an INTJ exit stage left is to retreat.

Yeah. I don't know how people can see someone withdraw from a relationship and think anything other than, "Alright, I guess she's not so interested anymore. I better move on, too." I mean, I know lots of people do react differently, but I don't really understand it, and I definitely can't relate to it.

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	In my opinion 'T's are the ones who tend to be manipulative and play games while I, a feeler, just do what I feel without premeditation or any thought of strategy.

I'm sure both types play games. They're just different kinds of games. We play Chutes and Ladders and you play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Anyways, I think the standard definition of a game is something like "When the other person behaves in a way that I don't care for and that I don't understand." More or less. Everybody ends up on the receiving end of that at some point or another.

[Cooper]

I was involved with an ENFP that would "play games"....I am sure she did not know this was what she was doing, though (at least I hope not)....the retreat and come back was just too much to deal with. The final retreat was enough for me. I fully understand the slow approach, however. Would much rather have that then the emotional forest fire followed by the disappearing act.

As an INTJ, I know exactly what I want and don't always remember that other types do not and it takes them time to figure it out.

[AnaK]

	Originally Posted by Cooper To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I was involved with an ENFP that would "play games"....I am sure she did not know this was what she was doing, though (at least I hope not)....the retreat and come back was just too much to deal with. The final retreat was enough for me. I fully understand the slow approach, however. Would much rather have that then the emotional forest fire followed by the disappearing act.

Any idea what caused her to retreat? Was it just because she was an illogical feeler? Was it because she was playing games? Or was there a reason that you didn't want to acknowledge?

	As an INTJ, I know exactly what I want and don't always remember that other types do not and it takes them time to figure it out.

I have seen INTJs post on here just in the last few days that it takes them time to understand when they like someone because they get confused by their emotions.

[Cooper]

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Any idea what caused her to retreat? Was it just because she was an illogical feeler? Was it because she was playing games? Or was there a reason that you didn't want to acknowledge?

Not sure, exactly. Too many complications in her life I guess.

	I have seen INTJs post on here just in the last few days that it takes them time to understand when they like someone because they get confused by their emotions.

By "what we want", I mean we have a very clear mental list of the qualities we want in a mate (for lack of better term). When we see those...we know we act. Sometimes the trying to "figure out how we feel" is more looking over the list and seeing if there is a fit. Sometimes you know immediately, sometimes it takes time.

[Moxiie]

I actually thought this thread was going to be about fire proofing my home.

to the OP: stop thinking so much about it and revel in it {says the pot to the kettle}

Te/Fi are traits we have in common with INTJ's - the interplay between them can be lovely.

[Carot]

Sometimes, very rarely, those fairytale things actually do happen. You instinctively keep second guessing though: "did I really win the lottery, no, I should read that again"

It's a natural reaction, just enjoy it for all it's worth as best you can, then tell us stories about it and give all the gloomy ones hope.
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[Kryptonite]

Okay, so today's advice taken update:

Read what you guys said and last night he textss, 'so has it changed between us bc K (another lady friend) would like to have dinner Wednesday.'

I'm glad it was a text because it gave me the grace to barf up some angst and a fire ball before I said, 'well, let's talk it out.' so I wrote out dry simply and honestly what my thoughts were (INTP 6 part novel with a mini series made for Lifetime documentary) (was spectacular logic and deluge of feelings thank you very Much)on why I thought we were extraordinary together and it would be kinda a shame to fuck it up with dating others thus shutting down mutual vulnerability. We should at least try for gods sake because well, have you ever met anyone else who understood you this way?' , and he said 'okay sounds good, let's do it. Should I get a dog?'


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Then I went to his house later with a cute innocent sundress and no panties. He appreciated the straitforward candor.

Thanks for your continued support Forum. Life is spectacular.


For the debate above on who plays games. Every fucking body... Until you grow up and realize how bad it sucks and stop. Te Ti Fe Fi immature was the right caveat. You either play games with someone else or you play them with yourself. I have learned to ask very precisely for what I need. I said to INTJ today, 'good morning, happiness lesson for today: stop overthinking how this could possibly be a train wreck and try to focus on how it feels to have someone who wants and genuinely likes you around' he texted back
'mind reader!'
I said 'fighting same battle, but I am super happy so screw it. At some point today let me know this actually makes you happy.'

Three hours later he slid it right into our conversation at exactly the right time. It had double impact factor. One, he said it. Two, he heard me, took my request seriously and made a point to honor my need to hear this from him.

I am relishing; Costco dill pickle style.

[Cooper]

Once you break down the door, we INTJs are pretty good catches.

[plotthickens]

	Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I said to INTJ today, 'good morning, happiness lesson for today: stop overthinking how this could possibly be a train wreck and try to focus on how it feels to have someone who wants and genuinely likes you around' he texted back 'mind reader!'

You got it. Same thing as an orgasm: shut up and enjoy it.

[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm glad it was a text because it gave me the grace to barf up some angst and a fire ball before I said, 'well, let's talk it out.'

That's understandable of course, but it's great that you were able to get past the initial revulsion and fix the situation. Every problem can be dealt with logically if you allow yourselves the opportunity to do so.

Congratulations and yay for INTx relationships! I'm glad to hear that things are going well.
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[TyphoonBlizzard]

	Originally Posted by Cooper To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Once you break down the door, we INTJs are pretty good catches.

It does depend on how thick that door is though...

[Lilie]

	Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Okay, so today's advice taken update: Read what you guys said and last night he textss, 'so has it changed between us bc K (another lady friend) would like to have dinner Wednesday.'

...

That is a completely insane thing to ask someone you are supposedly infatuated with. Is it part of the aspergers?

[Muse]

Grats kryptonite. Good luck!

	Originally Posted by TyphoonBlizzard To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It does depend on how thick that door is though...

We like for it to be broken down so we know it isn't just to open and close.

[hi5yourface]

Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am genuinely happy.......BUT....it all seems way to good to be true. I mean fairytale shit. For real. Craziness. How to I keep this fire burning but under control at the same time. Is this normal for an INTJ when he/she finally decides on the target of desire? This man, my GOD, I can't even think strait and that is spectacularly rare for me. It has become difficult to fit all of this in my head. good times. Volvo is great by the way....

Don't do it......don't do this to yourself. It's real, enjoy your moments and work through things as they come, don't fret about the possibility that it will end or come crashing down.......perhaps, later. Unnecessary fears that don't mirror the present experience.

EDIT: Read your further response and realized you guys are riding an N train to mental physical full body experience......you should be costco dill pickle style relishing and embelleshing, you guys are on fire.

[Kryptonite]

	Originally Posted by Lilie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	... That is a completely insane thing to ask someone you are supposedly infatuated with. Is it part of the aspergers?

Yes it is. He is extremely blunt. I sometimes need to brace
myself as he is about to speak. I will say though it is refreshing. He is very very soothing to me because I am a natural microexpression reader. I didn't know this was a real thing until actually last night. He said, you are like a character on a show I watch. It is fascinating, so he had me watch an episode and he was right. It is exactly howi think! Kind of neat show, 'Lie to Me'.

He is soothing because he doesn't play games. He is extremely straitforward and it comes across as very powerful. He tells me he hears he intimidates and scares the hell out people. I can understand why I guess. His unflinching intelligence and lack of need to people please, (almost) blank expression. I find him to be the most soothing person I have ever met. I don't have a constant barrage of him saying one thing and sensory overload of all the subtle untruths. Other people exhaust me. He frustrates me here and there but most of the time I feel completely safe with him. It is awesome.
To understand this I guess is that over the past few weeks a very cool and unique friendship has developed. I get him, and as you have seen, what I don't get I study until I do. I ask him when I think it is okay which is more and more these days. But before that I came here and when I nailed down the aspie stuff started reading that too. It isnt one sided at all. I have giant practical life problems with time and attention management. I also tend to over exert when I shouldn't. He sees right through the issue and with surprising gentleness rights me on the path I'm about to stumble off. We listen to each other and I talk him through a lot of why his communications are misinterpreted by others because I can see through his view and theirs.
To him asking me very straitforward what was happening between us and should he not go out with others was an extension of this dynamic between us and him actually reaching out with the information that his feelings for me had changed, deepened and he wanted to figure out what that meant. That is how I endured the fireball. I know that to be with him, partially through you guys advice, (he is more extreme than even a lot of you guys but the advice given to be very plain about feelings and intention was spot on) to be with him, I have to approach it with absolute open, no hidden intention, pure communication. It is excruitiatingly vulnerable at times but my willingness to do this has led him to the idea that I will treat him open hearted and with genuine effort to accept him. This is a completely new place for him and he is so sweet with me. I am honored by it. The openness to honest communication and acceptance though is sometimes an act of sheer will power. It is that he does or says anything he wants and I just accept it. No I disagree sometimes. It is that I approach with intention to understand and not cast judgement.

It is really cool between us. I mean it is really really different. I am happy.

[JackCY]

Originally Posted by Kryptonite To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Yes it is. He is extremely blunt. I sometimes need to brace myself as he is about to speak. I will say though it is refreshing. He is very very soothing to me because I am a natural microexpression reader. I didn't know this was a real thing until actually last night. He said, you are like a character on a show I watch. It is fascinating, so he had me watch an episode and he was right. It is exactly howi think! Kind of neat show, 'Lie to Me'.

At least he's honest with you, sure for many people too much honesty is hurtful so you need to brace as he will say everything, but it's not in a bad way, if he can tell you these things, trusts you that much, it's a good thing. Though many people despise hearing the honest truth :|

He is soothing because he doesn't play games. He is extremely straitforward and it comes across as very powerful. He tells me he hears he intimidates and scares the hell out people. I can understand why I guess. His unflinching intelligence and lack of need to people please, (almost) blank expression. I find him to be the most soothing person I have ever met. I don't have a constant barrage of him saying one thing and sensory overload of all the subtle untruths. Other people exhaust me. He frustrates me here and there but most of the time I feel completely safe with him. It is awesome.

Great
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To understand this I guess is that over the past few weeks a very cool and unique friendship has developed. I get him, and as you have seen, what I don't get I study until I do. I ask him when I think it is okay which is more and more these days. But before that I came here and when I nailed down the aspie stuff started reading that too. It isnt one sided at all. I have giant practical life problems with time and attention management. I also tend to over exert when I shouldn't. He sees right through the issue and with surprising gentleness rights me on the path I'm about to stumble off. We listen to each other and I talk him through a lot of why his communications are misinterpreted by others because I can see through his view and theirs.

Sounds like a good team!

To him asking me very straitforward what was happening between us and should he not go out with others was an extension of this dynamic between us and him actually reaching out with the information that his feelings for me had changed, deepened and he wanted to figure out what that meant. That is how I endured the fireball. I know that to be with him, partially through you guys advice, (he is more extreme than even a lot of you guys but the advice given to be very plain about feelings and intention was spot on) to be with him, I have to approach it with absolute open, no hidden intention, pure communication. It is excruitiatingly vulnerable at times but my willingness to do this has led him to the idea that I will treat him open hearted and with genuine effort to accept him. This is a completely new place for him and he is so sweet with me. I am honored by it. The openness to honest communication and acceptance though is sometimes an act of sheer will power. It is that he does or says anything he wants and I just accept it. No I disagree sometimes. It is that I approach with intention to understand and not cast judgement. It is really cool between us. I mean it is really really different. I am happy.

^_^