[crowfly81]

Greetings fellow INTJ's

I am in need of some relational advice with regards to my ISFJ partner. We are sitting at a precipice and I am feeling very overwhelmed by the emotion of it all that I feel a bit at a loss. My partner and I have been seriously talking about the future, about marriage and starting a family. I am madly in love with the man and we both want a family, the trouble is it may not be possible for me to have children due to a chronic illness. Conceiving could be tricky, High risk and possibly detrimental to my own health. So we are stuck between a rock and a hard place and are not sure whether we should continue to be together.
The are things we can do to lower the risks and tests I can take to estimate my fertility, but nothing is a guarantee and so the decision feels messy. I don't want to be the obstacle that prevents this wonderful man from having a family, but I also don't want to lose him. He seems stuck about whether he should stay or leave because he wants a family but he also doesn't want to break my heart. He asked me to make the decision. In my mind the right choice is that he should leave and that breaks my heart.
My question is
How do you other INTJ's cope with or discern difficult decisions that are highly emotionally charged?
And second, would an ISFJ actually stay in a relationship out of duty rather than love? I get confused sometimes if he driven by his heart or his head, is 'duty' a heart thing or a head thing I don't know.
I would never stay in a relationship out of obligation, or if it was unhealthy, or I didn't have feelings for my partner. That said, I would never leave a relationship if I thought problems could be worked on, especially external issues.
And finally, I'm not one to remain friends after a break up. I like a clean break so I can move on. I think maybe this case would be different because we get along so well as people. At the same time, staying friends would be hard on me.
If I cut off contact with him for self preservation would that be devastating for an ISFJ? I really don't want to hurt him.
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated!

[SacrificialLove]

I apologize if this is stating the obvious, but have y'all discussed building a family through adoption?

Sadly, not enough people realize that no one's fertility is guaranteed (having "healthy" children isn't guaranteed, either), even for folks who have already proven it once or twice before. All of this testing-for-fertility seems like such an unnecessary stressful mess for a couple who loves each other.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
My heart goes out to you.

[Async]

If you didn't know ahead of time that it is difficult to conceive, would you guys still be together? So the strength of your relationship shouldn't rest on this advance knowledge. Talk to the specialists to find out the probability for your actual case. Maybe it is higher or lower for you.

	Originally Posted by crowfly81 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He asked me to make the decision. In my mind the right choice is that he should leave and that breaks my heart.

The decision should be made mutually.

	Originally Posted by crowfly81 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	How do you other INTJ's cope with or discern difficult decisions that are highly emotionally charged?

For me, I list out the pros and cons and reach deep for intuition to guide my decision.

	Originally Posted by crowfly81 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	would an ISFJ actually stay in a relationship out of duty rather than love?

I think yes

	Originally Posted by crowfly81 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I like a clean break so I can move on. I think maybe this case would be different because we get along so well as people. At the same time, staying friends would be hard on me.

Totally understand your view on this. I would go for clean break. Although, never says never about being friends. I've been known to reconnect to an old bf after more than a decade of not talking. Deep wound takes time to heal.

	Originally Posted by crowfly81 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If I cut off contact with him for self preservation would that be devastating for an ISFJ?

I am not sure, hope someone can chime in on this one.

[mieu]

No offense, but in my humblest of opinions, if he is considering leaving you because you may be unable to conceive and carry, then he's probably not someone you'd want to be with anyway. If you're the one balking because you somehow think it's unfair to deprive him of children, then do yourself a favor and just leave him and wait until you love yourself enough before engaging in another relationship.

You can adopt--somewhere out there right now is a woman giving birth who would love to give her baby to a home that has two parents. You can find a surrogate and give them your eggs and his sperm. You can have IVF if you think you can carry. There are plenty of options. For him to give you any impression that your infertility is a deal-breaker when your relationship is obviously advanced enough for you to be having this conversation (though this is a big assumption on my part), I find it hard to believe that he loves you at all. If he feels obligated to be with you and children are somehow out of the question (again, I'm skeptical of that)...then where's the obligation? That'd mean he's just staying with you for no reason because people who love each other don't feel obligated to spend their lives together.

I am having trouble detecting whether he is the one applying the pressure here and is openly expressing regret or uncertainty or if you're just projecting your personal sense of inadequacy and subsequent guilt onto his behavior.

Originally Posted by SacrificialLove To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Sadly, not enough people realize that no one's fertility is guaranteed (having "healthy" children isn't guaranteed, either), even for folks who have already proven it once or twice before. All of this testing-for-fertility seems like such an unnecessary stressful mess for a couple who loves each other. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. My heart goes out to you.

^ So good.

[crowfly81]

Thanks folks for your responses. Definitely some useful information. While I do appreciate the fertility and family planning advice, trust that I do already know there are options, we both do. There are other issues at play which make those alternative options difficult. But I won't go into, not the point of my post...

I am an INTJ and sometimes feel overwhelmed by my own feelings. Sometimes its difficult for me to name feelings, or identify why I feel the way I do. My "F" friends are usually pretty good at helping me to identify the more subtle side of emotions and help me to move from, 'I feel overwhelmed' to 'I feel disappointed and angry and ..."
I guess I was hoping for advice from other INTJ as to how they tackle emotions in difficult situations.
Pro and Con list and Intuition. Yes. Absolutely
Do you put feelings on a Pro and Con list?

Secondly, I love this man and he is an ISFJ and he processes info different than I do. God bless him. Any advice from other ISFJ would be greatly appreciated so that I can avoid my typical INTJ faux pas on the heart front. Its a difficult situation for both of us and I really don't want to add insult to injury.

Thanks folks. Bless you

[nom666nom]

Originally Posted by crowfly81 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am an INTJ and sometimes feel overwhelmed by my own feelings. Sometimes its difficult for me to name feelings, or identify why I feel the way I do. My "F" friends are usually pretty good at helping me to identify the more subtle side of emotions and help me to move from, 'I feel overwhelmed' to 'I feel disappointed and angry and ..." I guess I was hoping for advice from other INTJ as to how they tackle emotions in difficult situations.

Just to start, this is coming from a male INTJ perspective. Needless to say, there are differences with how men and women deal with emotions.

I have had similar experiences feeling overwhelmed/flustered with one or more emotions at once. I don't verbalize these things very well and that can cause problems. I have found in most instances writing the stuff down gets things across in a better fashion. Granted it's hard to completely portray emotion in email, but it has helped me in many situations. I find it helps me process things mentally and allow for revision as I think it through. Where as talking doesn't have that flexibility. It seems to get most of the emotional part of the topic out of the way so I could actually have a productive conversation in person.

I have also found that sometimes I don't even need to complete the email. I find that after thinking about it and writing it down I come to a new conclusion emotionally and I can move on from there.

IMHO the guy wants you to make the decision so he doesn't have to take responsibility for ending things. He has the problem(wanting spawn), he should make the decision.