How to get recurring nightmares to stop?

**Luciferi** · 06-12-2012, 08:14 AM

I think I might have mentioned this on this forum many months ago, but I doubt anybody would remember it. I had a boss for three years that raped and sexually abused me and then blackmailed me and threatened me. When I was finally able to break free of him and move on, I cut off all contact with him. Now nearly three-quarters of a year later, he is still stalking me and trying to harass me and generally insinuate himself into my life. It's extremely stressful because I just want to move beyond what happened and forget about it, but I can't because he just won't go away.

I have nightmares and dreams almost every night since that are either vivid recollections of events that actually transpired or him just being there trying to ruin my life or imprison me somehow or whatever. I end up being really tired during the day because I sleep so poorly at night and I'm constantly on edge.

I can't change the past and I'm willing just to accept what happened and that it was probably my fault for letting it happen and all that, but I don't want to have to think about this person anymore, ever. How do I get these dreams to stop? I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night again and have a normal life without all this anxiety.

**mieu** · 06-12-2012, 11:17 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this, hopefully you've called the authorities to handle his stalking behavior, but have you considered talk-therapy for yourself? Having an outlet for your emotions, either by talking about them or focusing that energy into something productive may help you. A doctor (a psychiatrist) may be able to prescribe some sleep aids for you while you come to terms with what has happened. If you have any hobbies that you can immerse yourself into, that may help as well. I don't have anything like your background, but I have nighttime anxiety and find that when I have some exciting hobby in my life, or if I'm reading a good book (or something similarly immersive) I often find that I fall quickly into a deep sleep because I just think about doing that activity.

I'm not you, and I certainly don't know the degree to which you're suffering and can't really make an accurate evaluation of your mental and emotional state, but I hope that you find peace. And no, it's not your fault that someone hurt you.

**CrudeHypothesis** · 06-12-2012, 12:44 PM

I'm going to try my best to be understanding of your situation (something not easy for an INTJ).

The source of your problem is clearly the guy still stalking you. Anything that doesn't deal with the source is only dealing with the symptoms. You won't find peace until he's away. Hate to state the obvious, but rape is a crime, so tell the authorities. If you have some worry that you don't want anyone to know, then you need to get therapy to open up, and in that case, well done for opening up on this thread (it's a small step in the right direction).

By definition, it is not your fault that it happened. Do you have other people in your life, like friends and family? Everyone has someone. I'm sure they care about you very very much. Your life has value, and you will be missed if you're not around, so cherish it. Find the people that make you happy and fill your life with them, and they will be there for you.

**spect** · 06-12-2012, 01:07 PM

i would repeat whats already been said about taking direct actions to ensure your safety while creating distance from this person.

but you have significant trauma thats been repressed into your unconscious. sorry, but you either need treatment or its going to take quite a while for the nightmares to subside. unfortunately, its likely you will still have significant issues even if the nightmares go away, because the mind works through repression by cutting off and compartmentalizing the trauma so it cant be directly accessed, deeper into the unconscious and cut off. yet you will still be prone to episodes of triggering, anxiety, depression... etc.

**FruitLoop** · 06-12-2012, 01:42 PM

WTF?? Get the cops involved NOW!!

**Oros Ull** · 06-12-2012, 02:02 PM

He is still following you? What actions have you taken with the police? Or have you refrained due to the blackmail? I agree with the others that you probably won’t be able to relax until you are certain he is gone. Have you at least found another Man to keep an eye on you, a brother, boyfriend, father, bodyguard or whatever? For crimes like that if it were me I wouldn’t rest until I tortured the sorry bastard to death, but maybe that’s just me. You should have a gun or at least a dog or something.

I understand nightmares, ptsd, trauma and the like. I’ve never been raped but I’ve been a part of the recovery of others who have and I have withstood my own demons as well. But as stated earlier you can only treat the symptoms until the threat is gone for good. Perhaps a womens shelter would be a wise move, at least there you will be safe and among those who understand.

**Luciferi** · 06-12-2012, 07:26 PM

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.
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I didn't involve the police because I didn't want to have to continue dealing with the aftermath of filing criminal proceedings for months or years after the fact. The person involved is extremely vindictive and narcissistic and he would have publicised every little detail about it. It would have just been embarrassing and stressful for me. If I pursued action against him, he would tell people that we both know- and most of them would probably believe it- that I was just making the whole thing up to smear his name. I had to go through a lawyer just to get the wages that I was still owed and we did talk about the possibility of bringing a criminal suit against this person, but at that point, I had already spent five figures just trying to get all the money I was owed and get him out of my life. I couldn't afford to pursue a criminal case, but even if I could, doing so would just mean keeping that person in my life for that much longer and being publicly humiliated. I'd love to see justice done, but I feel like I would come out the biggest loser in the end.
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I've moved to another country now to be with my fiance, but I'm told by friends back home that he is constantly asking around after me and trying to find ways of getting in touch with me. He's visited every known address that I have ever lived at and found out where some of my friends live and visited them looking for me. He bribed people to spy on me on Facebook and report back to him what I was doing. Again, I considered pursuing a criminal case, but the cost was prohibitive and it wouldn't necessarily put a stop to what he is doing.
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I have tried distracting myself with reading or other activities before bed. I'm usually tired enough that I don't have trouble falling asleep and don't have a chance to start dwelling on bad thoughts. I find the worst and most vivid dreams about it come in the wee morning hours and then I have to start waking myself up and keeping myself awake for a little bit so that I don't go right back into the same dream again when I do fall back asleep.

For a while, I did dwell on it a lot during the daytime. It's hard being in a new country and not having any friends you can talk to. I spend most of my days at home by myself and consequently have a lot of time to think depressing thoughts. In the months that have passed, I think less and less about it during the day and have found activities to keep me busy. But the nightmares have not become any less frequent.

They have sort of changed over time, though. They used to always be nightmares about being raped and abused and now I only have those dreams sometimes and what has become more frequent now are dreams about this person kidnapping me, imprisoning me, poisoning me, trying to murder me, or things like that. Last night I had a dream that he caught me and cut off my toes so I couldn't run away and then locked me in a cupboard.

I don't presently have access to the free medical care in this country or to any private health insurance at the moment, so seeing a therapist isn't something we can afford right now. My fiance was just laid off and is stressing about money so much that I don't want to ask him to spend anything extra on me. But I will mention it to him and ask if that kind of treatment would be covered either fully or partially once we are married in a few months and then maybe I can look into it if it doesn't cost too much. I know he'd pay for it without a second thought if I asked him to, because he knows how much this troubles me, but I would feel very guilty about asking for a big ticket expense like that.

**mieu** · 06-12-2012, 07:32 PM

Your fiance knows about this and hasn't called the police? Um...

**stealthfighter** · 06-13-2012, 01:47 AM

Call the FBI or consult a lawyer regarding your stalker. I would agree with the earlier posts that suggest seeking professional help. I'm very sorry about your situation and I'm pretty sure the rest of the INTJ community would be very much willing to lend a hand to you.

**Fecal McAngry** · 06-13-2012, 01:54 AM

Originally Posted by Luciferi
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I think I might have mentioned this on this forum many months ago, but I doubt anybody would remember it. I had a boss for three years that raped and sexually abused me and then blackmailed me and threatened me. When I was finally able to break free of him and move on, I cut off all contact with him. Now nearly three-quarters of a year later, he is still stalking me and trying to harass me and generally insinuate himself into my life. It's extremely stressful because I just want to move beyond what happened and forget about it, but I can't because he just won't go away.

I have nightmares and dreams almost every night since that are either vivid recollections of events that actually transpired or him just being there trying to ruin my life or imprison me somehow or whatever. I end up being really tired during the day because I sleep so poorly at night and I'm constantly on edge.

I can't change the past and I'm willing just to accept what happened and that it was probably my fault for letting it happen and all that, but I don't want to have to think about this person anymore, ever. How do I get these dreams to stop? I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night again and have a normal life without all this anxiety.

See a psychiatrist experienced/skilled at treating
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.

**CrudeHypothesis** · 06-13-2012, 04:42 AM

He sounds like a Psychopath to me.

06-12-2012, 08:14 AM	#1
Luciferi Member [17%] MBTI: IsTp Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 683	I think I might have mentioned this on this forum many months ago, but I doubt anybody would remember it. I had a boss for three years that raped and sexually abused me and then blackmailed me and threatened me. When I was finally able to break free of him and move on, I cut off all contact with him. Now nearly three-quarters of a year later, he is still stalking me and trying to harass me and generally insinuate himself into my life. It's extremely stressful because I just want to move beyond what happened and forget about it, but I can't because he just won't go away. I have nightmares and dreams almost every night since that are either vivid recollections of events that actually transpired or him just being there trying to ruin my life or imprison me somehow or whatever. I end up being really tired during the day because I sleep so poorly at night and I'm constantly on edge. I can't change the past and I'm willing just to accept what happened and that it was probably my fault for letting it happen and all that, but I don't want to have to think about this person anymore, ever. How do I get these dreams to stop? I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night again and have a normal life without all this anxiety.
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06-12-2012, 11:17 AM	#2
mieu Core Member [185%] $/)^3^(\$ MBTI: xNTx Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 7,434	I'm so sorry to hear this, hopefully you've called the authorities to handle his stalking behavior, but have you considered talk-therapy for yourself? Having an outlet for your emotions, either by talking about them or focusing that energy into something productive may help you. A doctor (a psychiatrist) may be able to prescribe some sleep aids for you while you come to terms with what has happened. If you have any hobbies that you can immerse yourself into, that may help as well. I don't have anything like your background, but I have nighttime anxiety and find that when I have some exciting hobby in my life, or if I'm reading a good book (or something similarly immersive) I often find that I fall quickly into a deep sleep because I just think about doing that activity. I'm not you, and I certainly don't know the degree to which you're suffering and can't really make an accurate evaluation of your mental and emotional state, but I hope that you find peace. And no, it's not your fault that someone hurt you.
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06-12-2012, 12:44 PM	#3
CrudeHypothesis Veteran Member [74%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 2,999	I'm going to try my best to be understanding of your situation (something not easy for an INTJ). The source of your problem is clearly the guy still stalking you. Anything that doesn't deal with the source is only dealing with the symptoms. You won't find peace until he's away. Hate to state the obvious, but rape is a crime, so tell the authorities. If you have some worry that you don't want anyone to know, then you need to get therapy to open up, and in that case, well done for opening up on this thread (it's a small step in the right direction). By definition, it is not your fault that it happened. Do you have other people in your life, like friends and family? Everyone has someone. I'm sure they care about you very very much. Your life has value, and you will be missed if you're not around, so cherish it. Find the people that make you happy and fill your life with them, and they will be there for you.
CrudeHypothesis is offline post a comment

06-12-2012, 01:07 PM	#4
spect Veteran Member [58%] MBTI: inxx Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 2,321	i would repeat whats already been said about taking direct actions to ensure your safety while creating distance from this person. but you have significant trauma thats been repressed into your unconscious. sorry, but you either need treatment or its going to take quite a while for the nightmares to subside. unfortunately, its likely you will still have significant issues even if the nightmares go away, because the mind works through repression by cutting off and compartmentalizing the trauma so it cant be directly accessed, deeper into the unconscious and cut off. yet you will still be prone to episodes of triggering, anxiety, depression... etc.
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06-12-2012, 01:42 PM	#5
FruitLoop Member [12%] MBTI: iNTj Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 488	WTF?? Get the cops involved NOW!!
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06-12-2012, 02:02 PM	#6
Oros Ull Veteran Member [77%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 3,093	He is still following you? What actions have you taken with the police? Or have you refrained due to the blackmail? I agree with the others that you probably won’t be able to relax until you are certain he is gone. Have you at least found another Man to keep an eye on you, a brother, boyfriend, father, bodyguard or whatever? For crimes like that if it were me I wouldn’t rest until I tortured the sorry bastard to death, but maybe that’s just me. You should have a gun or at least a dog or something. I understand nightmares, ptsd, trauma and the like. I’ve never been raped but I’ve been a part of the recovery of others who have and I have withstood my own demons as well. But as stated earlier you can only treat the symptoms until the threat is gone for good. Perhaps a womens shelter would be a wise move, at least there you will be safe and among those who understand.
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06-12-2012, 07:26 PM	#7
Luciferi Member [17%] MBTI: IsTp Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 683	Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I didn't involve the police because I didn't want to have to continue dealing with the aftermath of filing criminal proceedings for months or years after the fact. The person involved is extremely vindictive and narcissistic and he would have publicised every little detail about it. It would have just been embarrassing and stressful for me. If I pursued action against him, he would tell people that we both know- and most of them would probably believe it- that I was just making the whole thing up to smear his name. I had to go through a lawyer just to get the wages that I was still owed and we did talk about the possibility of bringing a criminal suit against this person, but at that point, I had already spent five figures just trying to get all the money I was owed and get him out of my life. I couldn't afford to pursue a criminal case, but even if I could, doing so would just mean keeping that person in my life for that much longer and being publicly humiliated. I'd love to see justice done, but I feel like I would come out the biggest loser in the end. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I've moved to another country now to be with my fiance, but I'm told by friends back home that he is constantly asking around after me and trying to find ways of getting in touch with me. He's visited every known address that I have ever lived at and found out where some of my friends live and visited them looking for me. He bribed people to spy on me on Facebook and report back to him what I was doing. Again, I considered pursuing a criminal case, but the cost was prohibitive and it wouldn't necessarily put a stop to what he is doing. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I have tried distracting myself with reading or other activities before bed. I'm usually tired enough that I don't have trouble falling asleep and don't have a chance to start dwelling on bad thoughts. I find the worst and most vivid dreams about it come in the wee morning hours and then I have to start waking myself up and keeping myself awake for a little bit so that I don't go right back into the same dream again when I do fall back asleep. For a while, I did dwell on it a lot during the daytime. It's hard being in a new country and not having any friends you can talk to. I spend most of my days at home by myself and consequently have a lot of time to think depressing thoughts. In the months that have passed, I think less and less about it during the day and have found activities to keep me busy. But the nightmares have not become any less frequent. They have sort of changed over time, though. They used to always be nightmares about being raped and abused and now I only have those dreams sometimes and what has become more frequent now are dreams about this person kidnapping me, imprisoning me, poisoning me, trying to murder me, or things like that. Last night I had a dream that he caught me and cut off my toes so I couldn't run away and then locked me in a cupboard. I don't presently have access to the free medical care in this country or to any private health insurance at the moment, so seeing a therapist isn't something we can afford right now. My fiance was just laid off and is stressing about money so much that I don't want to ask him to spend anything extra on me. But I will mention it to him and ask if that kind of treatment would be covered either fully or partially once we are married in a few months and then maybe I can look into it if it doesn't cost too much. I know he'd pay for it without a second thought if I asked him to, because he knows how much this troubles me, but I would feel very guilty about asking for a big ticket expense like that.
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06-12-2012, 07:32 PM	#8
mieu Core Member [185%] $/)^3^(\$ MBTI: xNTx Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 7,434	Your fiance knows about this and hasn't called the police? Um...
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06-13-2012, 01:47 AM	#9
stealthfighter Veteran Member [86%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 3,461	Call the FBI or consult a lawyer regarding your stalker. I would agree with the earlier posts that suggest seeking professional help. I'm very sorry about your situation and I'm pretty sure the rest of the INTJ community would be very much willing to lend a hand to you.
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06-13-2012, 04:42 AM	#11
CrudeHypothesis Veteran Member [74%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 2,999	He sounds like a Psychopath to me.
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