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INFJ running away None
Old 10-07-2009, 05:24 PM   #1
The Fox
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I've met a guy on the internet, on a gay chat (I'm a gay intj). We began to have conversations via instant messanging regularly, almost every day, for a month or two. One day, I asked him to pass the mbti test, he told me he was an INFJ. At the begining, I was only curious about him, since I never met people like that, and it turned to a kind of ambigous seduction game. I played it.

Since I've been reading this forum for a while, I acknowledged the usual advices given here, "talk about your feelings", and I never felt so ashamed and embarrassed in my whole life. It's definitely not natural, even if we can take some dark pleasure to tell people about that (like "look at my creepy face"). Maybe it was a mistake, maybe not, now it's too late. A few days ago, I managed to make him tell me he had feelings for me, but it cost me an arm and a leg in confessions. I need that, since I am completely unable to guess what people think about me, especially on the internet.

If you want some morbid details, we planned to meet IRL at the end of october, and some of the flaws of the INFJ aren't myths. Sometimes, he tells me that he doesn't understand what I say, even if it is completely grammatically correct (in french), and the meaning not too much out of reach, and it gets on my nerves, and I try to keep that for myself, sometimes unseccessfully. It's a matter of diplomacy... He's not stupid, but sometimes, it seems that he doesn't want to make any kind of effort to follow me.

A few days ago, he seemed to be more distant, and he is still distant, he did not came to me, I had to start the conversation, and he told me stupid things INFJs could not possibly think, like 'the loved one is one among other people'. He also told me he feared to be trapped in a relationship, and that he was scared when I say I can understand him. He started the game, and now he runs away. And some parts of the puzzle also run away from me, and that's very frustrating.
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So I have 2 questions :

- Is it a normal behaviour for an INFJ ? Do they often say they feel something for you and then flee like a child ?
- I am thinking to stop everything, since i do NOT understand, and I see it's bad for me, but I am wiiling to wait a few days more. Should I stop that now ? If the situation can be improved, how can I do that ?

Thanks for your help !
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Old 10-07-2009, 05:46 PM   #2
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Stop trying to associate all behavior with MBTI and realize that some behaviors are not type specific they are HUMAN specific.

If you know something is bad for you then intelligence tells you to get out. That old saying about the definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors/actions and expecting a different outcome is true.

Perhaps it's just me but the words "I had to make him tell me he had feelings for me" grabs me because you shouldn't have to make someone tell you something that you haven't even met IRL yet. Too much too soon.
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Old 10-07-2009, 06:11 PM   #3
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Also, keep in mind if you just told someone something that makes you vulnerable (like "I have feelings for you" or maybe even "I love you") and you're not used to it you're going to experience some anxiety. Actually, anyone is going to feel anxious; there's only so used to it you get. Anxiety is part of the deal with saying something that's intensely personal and makes you feel exposed.

So, much more so than usual, you're going to be reading too much into things. Looking for reassurance. Thinking you're pushing too hard. Assuming they know everything about you and you know nothing about them.

I mean, you might be pushing too hard, he might be trying to create distance, who knows? Mel makes some good points. But now is not the time too make that assessment; you haven't had enough time to process, not enough perspective. Might make sense to take a couple days to get that, rather than making any snap decisions.
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Old 10-07-2009, 06:24 PM   #4
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I've been married to an INTJ for 14 years, and communication between these two types can be a challenge, mostly because INTJ tends to come at things from a logical, economical form of communication while INFJ's tend to come at things from how they feel about them. In my experience with my husband and INTJ friends, both are also somewhat easily hurt, so there is some of that there as well. When he says he doesn't understand you, I suspect there is something more to that then him not understanding the meaning of your words - perhaps he is trying to understand more about where you are coming from on the issue, or why you are saying that at that particular time. I can only speak from my own experience, but my guess is that he wants to connect with you on a deep level, which may be what he's saying and why you feel he's not following you.

In answer to your question, yes, INFJ's need a lot of reassurance that you are there before they will come out of their shells. Maybe, like you, he's feeling overexposed at the moment. We don't invest randomly - it takes a lot to build trust with an INFJ, but once given, the loyalty is hard to shake.

Only you can answer what you want to do.

I do agree with the above poster who said you can only tell so much from type - each person is an individual, and it's impossible to predict behavior based on so little data. It's more of rough guideline.
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Old 10-07-2009, 06:30 PM   #5
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  Originally Posted by The Fox
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- Is it a normal behaviour for an INFJ ? Do they often say they feel something for you and then flee like a child ?

Yeah I'm sure I read stuff like that about INFJ's. They're very closed up people. They shut other people out. They act like they're reaching out to people, but when asked to deliver, they flee. I think there are reasons why they are the rarest type. Google INFJ to find out more. INFJ are not my cup of tea. They complain and worry too much. They're negative thinkers. They have too much inner turmoil. Maybe not all of them, but many of them are like this.

Seducer is offline
Old 02-10-2010, 02:54 PM   #6
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When I back off, it's usually because they start depending on me for things. I get this one a lot; Every time something goes wrong, they come to me and complain about it. I'm okay if people need to vent once in a while, but I can't stand people who constantly complain and expect me to baby them about it. And I refuse to be fake and pretend to care. So I just kinda disappear for a bit until they can work things out themselves. Depending on the person, that's what I do. Sometimes they can handle me being blunt about it but most people can't. =X
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Old 02-10-2010, 03:05 PM   #7
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  Originally Posted by Seducer
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I think there are reasons why they are the rarest type. Google INFJ to find out more.

INFJ is the rarest type, really?? I thought INTJ is one of the rare type...
I speak for myself, not sure if it is true for all INFJ. Yes I do flee. I flee fast and I flee a lot. Because I have strong intuition, and MOST of the time it is true. So whenever I feel it is not right, I run away, disappear.

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Old 02-10-2010, 03:22 PM   #8
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I think INFJ and INFP are the rarest type. Although, I know a lot of INFPs, like 10+, but only one INFJ. They're hard to figure out.

I don't think the fleeing thing is related to his type. I think this guy is afraid of commitment. It's a fear of intimacy. The INFJ that I know likes it when I understand him.
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