[w1indse7]

So, I was in my usually lonely, depressed mood, Saturday night and I posted a personal ad to hangout, have a few drinks, and maybe hook-up. This chick invited me over to her place and we started off with a few beers and conversation. I went over their pretty much just looking to get laid and we ended up sorta hitting it off. We have a lot in common, she's overall a good person, has a fun personality, and totally digs me. We had great sex that night, and she told me that I should stay the night. We talked it up, and were definitely vibing eachother. She's 20, I am 24 by the way. I sleep better alone, prefer my own bed, so I shot some excuse from the hip and bailed at 3am.

The next day, she wanted to hang out, so we got together that evening again at her place. We talked, and me being an emotional wreck and in a funk because I drank the night before told her a lot more than I should have about myself and my past. She listened, but she didn't have much to say. And again, we had some great sex.

The thing is, I realized that I am no all that attracted to her. She has a great body, she seems like she would be a great girlfriend and a good match for me, but her facial features are not the prettiest. I feel like I am fooling myself, by telling myself to make this work. The good feelings, the butterflies arent there. The only feelings I have for her are in my pants.

She has been calling me a lot, and definitely seems to be attracted to me.

The other thing is, I suffer from anxiety and suicidal depression. I have my ups and downs, and I feel life is easier on my own. I don't drink or use drugs, and the other night when I met her, I was sort of going on a bender.

On the other hand, I am a very isolated and lonely person. I am working on myself, and I feel that she could be good for me? The Holidays are coming up, and it would be nice to have someone to share them with. e.g. I have been alone for the Holidays and my birthday for the last 5 years.

She is pretty cool and I hate to think of her as a stepping stone though. Should I give it a shot, or should I cut it off? Should I play this hand for a while and have fun with it?

Oh, and another thing that bothers me, is that we met online, Which I feel is unnatural. I mean, I was just looking to get laid. We already said that "we would tell people that we met at her work or something." But I don't want to live a lie either.

[Latro]

Seems like you already have your answer. You're uncomfortable but having fun. You seem inclined to break it off, which seems like a perfectly good idea. About the only other good idea I can see is to be fairly direct about your intentions.

Edit: I'd say at least do some introspection about what those are, first, though. Also, as others mentioned after I first posted, if attraction is what's missing, but the sex is still good (as far as I know a lack of attraction tends to make sex bad...), and you like her for who she is...honestly I'd have to say you're in pretty good shape.

I'm a REALLY bad person for advice here overall, as I don't have any experience here period, so yeah. Take my advice with a metric ton of salt.

[Elfrun]

Eh, I'd say just have fun, if you have a strong mental connection there's a chance that the attraction may grow, let's face it, looks are one thing that don't last at a certain point they go and other things have to become more important. Just don't pretend that it's something that it's not, if you're unsure where it's headed don't tell her otherwise just because she wants to hear it.

[reckful]

Yeah, this is complicated, and 10 years from now (if you're still single), all the same complications will still be there. Honesty is the most important thing, but there are other complications.

Let's say you're not 100% sure she might not grow on you and end up working out for the long term. You could keep things going and honestly tell her you weren't sure, right? Yes, but my view is there's unsure and there's unsure. I'm not going to quantify where to draw the line, and reasonable people can disagree, but there's a point somewhere in the "pretty freaking unlikely" zone where just telling her you're "unsure" doesn't cut it anymore. You need to tell her that, although it might not be impossible, it's pretty freaking unlikely.

OK, now let's suppose that either (1) you're sure it's not going to be a long term thing, and you've told her that, or (2) you think it's pretty freaking unlikely it'll be a long term thing, and you've told her that. And let's suppose that, in either case, she says she's OK with that and wants to keep seeing you. Now is everything OK? A lot of people would say yes. I say maybe. I say it ceases to be OK (although I somewhat respect the opposing view) if it becomes reasonably clear to you that, although she heard what you said, she's really hung up on you and stongly hoping you're going to fall for her in a long-term way. The main argument for the "opposing view" is that that's not your responsibility. A strong argument for my view is that experience has shown that a pretty damned amazing number of women are capable of listening to a guy tell them in no uncertain terms that she's not going to be his long term thing (or that it's pretty freaking unlikely) and still hang in there, seriously hung up, in the hope that he's going to change his mind. It's the woman's fault at some level, but speaking for myself, I wouldn't feel right continuing to date a woman where our feelings for each other were strongly lopsided and I knew she was clinging to those kinds of "false hopes."

Final note: I don't think the fact that you "met online" qualifies as a deep, dark secret. You can easily end up meeting a horrible person at work or a great person on the internet (or in a bar, or wherever). Once it turns out you're a match, nobody cares where you met.

[Causa Mortis]

Why not just have a fuck buddy relationship with her? Sounds like that's all she wants.

[themuzicman]

Beauty is fleeting, dude. If you think you're going to find a wife who will be the perfect beauty forever, you're fooling yourself.

If you hit it off, and you get along great, marry her and get over the "perfect girl" thing."

[SelfMadeBum]

You have to be honest with yourself, then you have to be honest with her. Let her know that although you have a great time in bed and you like her as a person, you're not sure the relationship is going anywhere and let her decide if she wants to keep seeing you, or if she should explore other options.

I think that she could be good for you, but you mustn't string her along in any way.

[Nikita]

Move on. You sound like you're using her to try to get some sort of fulfillment you lack in your everyday life. Find worth in yourself, not in meaningless sex with someone you don't see a future with.

[w1indse7]

Hmm. It's interesting how everyone has a different viewpoint. I can agree with all of you. I suppose I must be honest with myself, and take it from there.

* I wonder if the male and female opinion will continue to be dissimilar over the length of this thread?

[Stratego]

I think you should ask yourself what you ultimately want---a relationship, a friendship, or a fuck buddy. Then once you have your answer, you need to ask her what she wants. If that conflicts with what you want then clearly you have your answer.

You owe it to her then to tell her that you can't continue the relationship. Don't string it along, lie to her, or act in yor own best interests. Break it off as soon as possible if you're not interested in something more substantial.

[Latro]

Originally Posted by Stratego To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I think you should ask yourself what you ultimately want---a relationship, a friendship, or a fuck buddy. Then once you have your answer, you need to ask her what she wants. If that conflicts with what you want then clearly you have your answer. You owe it to her then to tell her that you can't continue the relationship. Don't string it along, lie to her, or act in yor own best interests. Break it off as soon as possible if you're not interested in something more substantial.

I definitely think honesty is the way to go (this is one of the few things I almost universally accept), but it seems like there's some blurry lines between some of these things that are kinda hard to pin down. For example, suppose a guy and a girl have been "just friends" for a couple years and they start having sex, with little to no changes in their other activities. (You could contest that this is impossible, but for purposes of argument let's just assume it is for now.) We tend to call this "friends with benefits" but what, exactly, is it? Are they suddenly just "fuck buddies"? Are they still "just friends"? Does the combination of sex and frequent friendly interaction make them "in a relationship"?

Hopefully you see where I'm going with this...

[Stratego]

Originally Posted by Latro To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I definitely think honesty is the way to go (this is one of the few things I almost universally accept), but it seems like there's some blurry lines between some of these things that are kinda hard to pin down. For example, a guy and a girl have been "just friends" for a couple years and they start having sex, with little to no changes in their other activities. We tend to call this "friends with benefits" but what, exactly, is it? Are they suddenly just "fuck buddies"? Are they still "just friends"? Does the combination of sex and frequent friendly interaction make them "in a relationship"? Hopefully you see where I'm going with this...

You're right---these things are hard to pin down to absolutes, but that's precisely why the OP's question should be answered as honestly as possible, and as close to the truth as possible. The longer you blur the lines the harder it is to figure out precisely what's going on between two people---if the girl wants a fuck buddy than that's fine, but most women will inevitably want something more in the long run, especially if it goes on for some time. It sounds to me that she wants more than just the sex--she wants someone to talk to, hang out with, and yes, eventually have a relationship with. He needs to cut it off now if that's the case, because it will just cause unnecessary hurt.

My opinion might be conservative, but once sex enters the picture it is no longer friendship. Period. We're kidding ourselves if we think that men and women can be friends once sex enters the picture. They can't. As far as fuck buddies go it's not a romantic relationship but it is a relationship of sorts, because now there is the possibility of pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease and (sexually motivated) jealousy or feelings of intmacy and possession. That is more than a friendship.

[jndiii]

	Originally Posted by w1indse7 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She is pretty cool and I hate to think of her as a stepping stone though. Should I give it a shot, or should I cut it off? Should I play this hand for a while and have fun with it?

Don't strategize about relationships. You will get it wrong every time. You live relationships, interact with people, and they come and go, leave or stay, based on many factors, almost none of which are under your control. Get to know her, and appreciate her for who she is.

She is not a "hand". She is not to be "played".

She is, however, someone with whom you could possibly have fun, and learn and grow.

	Oh, and another thing that bothers me, is that we met online, Which I feel is unnatural. I mean, I was just looking to get laid. We already said that "we would tell people that we met at her work or something." But I don't want to live a lie either.

It's awkward not that you met online, but that you met because you were just looking to get laid, and you think that "online" implies that. People have met for worse reasons. I think if you admit that you met online, and just don't mention the "only looking to get laid" part, you can mostly avoid the awkwardness.

[MadmanMSU]

This is NOT complicated. Don't be a prick, tell her up front what your intentions are. There's nothing wrong with needing other people, especially if you're going through a rough time, but don't lead her on. This is obviously a purely physical deal for you. Don't try to make up excuses that you "might" be attracted to her when you can tell you aren't.

Be up front. Tell her that you don't feel for her besides the physical and perhaps a friendship at the moment. If you really are that depressed and think you're suicidal, get help. Seek treatment. Go see a therapist and try to work through your issues. Using someone else isn't going to make you a better person in the end.



On a side note: if meeting people online feels unnatural and you don't like lieing about it, then why are you doing it in the first place?

[Nameless]

I think her face will look better the more you like her. Happens with people I like (not that way, just find interesting lol).

[w1indse7]

Thanks everyone... I really had to be true to myself and trust my gut feeling. I met up with her afterwork yesterday. I asked her what her intentions were. She said she's not really looking to rush into anything, and she just sort of goes with the flow; as I expected. I reminded her of my intentions when we first met, and that I was surprised that we actually hit it off. I told her that she's a great person and I've had a good time with her, but I am not looking for a relationship. She seemed cool.

It was brief... She said she hopes we can still hang out. We hugged, it was sort of awkward because I didn't kiss her goodnight like I did the two nights before.

I feel relieved...

[alrightgame]

What part of "compatible personalities" and "great sex" don't you fucking understand?

Keep pursuing it. If Hitler were here, he'd say "Naive, Naive, Naive."

[rain]

Attraction is a funny thing, isn't it? Someone can be very pleasant to look at, yet there is just "something" about them that you don't like.

I'll say go with your instincts. There's always a reason why you're not attracted to someone- whether that is their face, their particular smell or something else altogether.

What's even funnier is that two people can look alike, but for one reason or another, I'll find one incredibly attractive, while the other guy- who looks similar, I don't find attractive at all, except for superficially. Or else could be an ex you used to find attractive, but after spending time away from him, decide that you're not attracted to him at all and flinch he tries to touch you.

I think it all relates to your connection to them/ compatibility.

[Causa Mortis]

Originally Posted by w1indse7 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Thanks everyone... I really had to be true to myself and trust my gut feeling. I met up with her afterwork yesterday. I asked her what her intentions were. She said she's not really looking to rush into anything, and she just sort of goes with the flow; as I expected. I reminded her of my intentions when we first met, and that I was surprised that we actually hit it off. I told her that she's a great person and I've had a good time with her, but I am not looking for a relationship. She seemed cool. It was brief... She said she hopes we can still hang out. We hugged, it was sort of awkward because I didn't kiss her goodnight like I did the two nights before. I feel relieved...

I don't get it. Why not just hang out with and occasionally fuck this girl? You're both lonely, you're both horny, neither wants to rush into anything, you both hit it off. Unless you're concerned she'll get clingy who cares?

[LaoTzu]

I went through a similar situation, and I made a big mistake in letting it go.

The woman was not outwardly attractive, but she was an absolute Goddess on the inside.
The combination of her looks, her station in life, and her 6 year old led me to think I didn't want to go further.

But she was really a wonderful person. And I still think of her often. I'd trade the last 5 years without her for 5 months more with her.

[Rohsiph]

You don't drink . . . but you drink.

You don't like how she looks . . . but she's wildly attractive.

Somehow, you ended up snagging a good-looking date online that was turning towards the rarest of positive kinds of non-NSA things that can happen . . . and you're complaining.

Holding off would be the most responsible thing. Being honest is the important part. Your latest 'move' looks respectable, but the misgivings that set this thread in action were problematic.

INTJ men are often masterminds of screwing themselves out of relationship opportunities. If you don't want your luck, would you mind giving some to me?

[karenann33]

Originally Posted by Rohsiph To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

You don't drink . . . but you drink. You don't like how she looks . . . but she's wildly attractive. Somehow, you ended up snagging a good-looking date online that was turning towards the rarest of positive kinds of non-NSA things that can happen . . . and you're complaining. Holding off would be the most responsible thing. Being honest is the important part. Your latest 'move' looks respectable, but the misgivings that set this thread in action were problematic. INTJ men are often masterminds of screwing themselves out of relationship opportunities. If you don't want your luck, would you mind giving some to me?

Very well said. As a female I personally would want you to run not walk away from me if my facial features were not up to your satisfaction. Beauty is fleeting and if I didn't do it for you in my 20's then you will sure be horrified by me in my 40's, 50's and beyond.

[combustor]

	Originally Posted by Stratego To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think you should ask yourself what you ultimately want---a relationship, a friendship, or a fuck buddy. Then once you have your answer, you need to ask her what she wants. If that conflicts with what you want then clearly you have your answer.

That would be reasonable, except:
She's a 20 year old female! Asking her "what she wants" is about as pointless as talking to your cat.

[maxac8]

My cat thinks 20 years old is plenty old enough!

Seriously dude, I was a little like you on the anxiety front. If something like that ever comes along again you have to get out of your security blanket and put yourself out there. Why wait, call her up, tell her you made a poor decision and see where it goes.

You dont sound very happy with the way you are in the first place so why revert back to that. What is safe about sitting aorund by yourself and having depressing/suicidal thoughts?

The beauty thing is a little hard to get over though. I don't consider myself superficial but if you don't find her attractive then what hope is there. That said, it didnt sound like you thought she was that bad looking. What is more important to you...

Anyways,

good luck

[Islander]

all the parts ned to ultimately fit for this to work...sounds like they don't for you and the sex/hanging our part will get old at some point