Friendship: An All or Nothing Proposition?

**TimeParadox** · 09-15-2009, 05:07 PM

I've only had one "true friend" in my life, and we met on the internet and never met in real life, but he has had a much heavier impact on me than any of my other friends 'irl.' It lasted a few years, but then things changed and I can't remember exactly why, but we just stopped talking as much, I also had a bad temper, etc. Anyways, it's been so long ago that I've forgotten exactly how we became such close friends. I just know that we never ran out of things to talk about though. It was like that since the beginning, but I was also a lot younger and less jaded. He was truly special to me though, since I've never met anyone with a personality even close to his in my perspective.

Anyways, I wonder if this was a one time thing, with the age combination and his uniqueness, or if I should wait to meet someone who I can have that kind of connection with again. The thing, I'm an 'all or nothing' type of person on friendships, and I see hanging out as a waste of time if we're not really close friends or if I don't see us turning into close friends. People keep telling me how much effort friendship takes, how you have to be open minded and accepting, compromising, etc, but I honestly think a real friendship should come easily and you shouldn't have to overthink many things or feel like you have to tolerate a bunch of things you don't like. I've done all of those things- being really open minded, giving people chance after chance, ignoring things I don't like about them, thinking about anything that I could possibly do to improve our relationship, but my assumption in the beginning is always right on what type of friends we can be.

**Avowed** · 09-15-2009, 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by TimeParadox
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I've only had one "true friend" in my life, and we met on the internet and never met in real life, but he has had a much heavier impact on me than any of my other friends 'irl.' It lasted a few years, but then things changed and I can't remember exactly why, but we just stopped talking as much, I also had a bad temper, etc. Anyways, it's been so long ago that I've forgotten exactly how we became such close friends. I just know that we never ran out of things to talk about though. It was like that since the beginning, but I was also a lot younger and less jaded. He was truly special to me though, since I've never met anyone with a personality even close to his in my perspective.

Anyways, I wonder if this was a one time thing, with the age combination and his uniqueness, or if I should wait to meet someone who I can have that kind of connection with again. The thing, I'm an 'all or nothing' type of person on friendships, and I see hanging out as a waste of time if we're not really close friends or if I don't see us turning into close friends. People keep telling me how much effort friendship takes, how you have to be open minded and accepting, compromising, etc, but I honestly think a real friendship should come easily and you shouldn't have to overthink many things or feel like you have to tolerate a bunch of things you don't like. I've done all of those things- being really open minded, giving people chance after chance, ignoring things I don't like about them, thinking about anything that I could possibly do to improve our relationship, but my assumption in the beginning is always right on what type of friends we can be.

It will only be a one time thing if you let it. Making friends is easy. Making friends with restrictions like never hanging out, never letting another person complicate your life, being generally intolerant of anything you disapprove of, constantly comparing every interaction with potential future friends with an overtly romanticized nostalgia for a childhood friend that you have never even met, and a temper is self-evidently challenging.

Why would a normal, healthy person, who is capable of forming close friendships with others, choose to bother with you when you have restrictions like that?

As for your initial assumptions always being right on what type of friends you can be with your acquaintances, you might be surprised how much influence you have in defining how far the friendship progresses.

Lower your restrictions or wait for someone else to come along who may never show up. There is really nothing else I can tell you.

**TimeParadox** · 09-15-2009, 05:47 PM

When I first start associating with someone, I try to as open as possible, but I'm talking about after that. I've had some 'friends' for a few years now, and I just don't see the compatibility necessary for a close relationship. I'm just saying that it seems like s/he isn't worth it to make a bunch of compromises. It's really hard for me to want to make compromises for someone I don't like that much in hopes of it turning into something better, but after a long time, what if it still doesn't? Maybe I'm too picky or something, but is it really supposed to be this painful to form new friendships?

**Avowed** · 09-15-2009, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by TimeParadox
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When I first start associating with someone, I try to as open as possible, but I'm talking about after that. I've had some 'friends' for a few years now, and I just don't see the compatibility necessary for a close relationship. I'm just saying that it seems like s/he isn't worth it to make a bunch of compromises. It's really hard for me to want to make compromises for someone I don't like that much in hopes of it turning into something better, but after a long time, what if it still doesn't? Maybe I'm too picky or something, but is it really supposed to be this painful to form new friendships?

Picky people need to cast wider nets. Less people are capable of fulfilling their needs, so they need to try out more people. This part of it is just a numbers game. The less picky you are, the more choices you have. If you are really really picky, you may need to work on yourself in order to have a realistic shot.

Friendships are supposed to hurt when the friendship ends, not when it begins.

**Solaris** · 09-15-2009, 06:15 PM

Well, it depends on what these standards are. I, for one, have high standards for myself and for others. I also know that I leave very little wiggle room there. There are a few for whom I have made exceptions. That said, I don't have a hard time making friends, it's actually quite easy. What I am selective about is who gets close and who gets to know certain personal details (which often surprise people when they learn which ones I consider truly personal and private).

I've found that, for some reason, I am generally able to tell quickly if a person is going to have an impact or large role in my life.

I know that I am also an all or nothing sort of person in many respects, though perhaps we interpret the meaning of the phrase differently.

**Ceres** · 09-18-2009, 10:48 AM

I've had plenty of friends, and a few great close friends. But there's perhaps only one person who I could say would fit into the


	never run out of things to talk about

group. Of course, when i first met and got to know this person i wouldn't have said that she would fall into this category. We had to get to each other and figure out what interests we shared before it got to this stage.

So while i know what you mean by disliking having an extensive friend list but only really liking and enjoying time with a select few. In order to find that select few you have to be open to people being your friend, even if they don't immediately fulfill what you're looking for.

**ProxyMe** · 09-19-2009, 05:52 AM

It's very much all-or-nothing with me and friendships. However, the key is to be slow to make decisions about which category someone fits. Some people are dull as dirt for the first few month-years, then suddenly everything starts to change. I have four very close friends, none of which know each other, and it turns out three are also INTJ. It took years to learn how to associate with each of these appropriately. Once we learned how to communicate and appreciate each other, we have been able to have very intimate and fulfilling conversations. We are able to explore various ideas and debate each other for hours, which is something for which our personality is known. Had I been quick to decide against any of these, I would have missed out on a meaningful friendship as well as been guilty of treating another INTJ the same way others treat me.

That being said, some people have the recurrent problem of only saying things that are stupid as shit. Drop these people immediately.

09-15-2009, 05:07 PM	#1
TimeParadox Member [03%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 120	I've only had one "true friend" in my life, and we met on the internet and never met in real life, but he has had a much heavier impact on me than any of my other friends 'irl.' It lasted a few years, but then things changed and I can't remember exactly why, but we just stopped talking as much, I also had a bad temper, etc. Anyways, it's been so long ago that I've forgotten exactly how we became such close friends. I just know that we never ran out of things to talk about though. It was like that since the beginning, but I was also a lot younger and less jaded. He was truly special to me though, since I've never met anyone with a personality even close to his in my perspective. Anyways, I wonder if this was a one time thing, with the age combination and his uniqueness, or if I should wait to meet someone who I can have that kind of connection with again. The thing, I'm an 'all or nothing' type of person on friendships, and I see hanging out as a waste of time if we're not really close friends or if I don't see us turning into close friends. People keep telling me how much effort friendship takes, how you have to be open minded and accepting, compromising, etc, but I honestly think a real friendship should come easily and you shouldn't have to overthink many things or feel like you have to tolerate a bunch of things you don't like. I've done all of those things- being really open minded, giving people chance after chance, ignoring things I don't like about them, thinking about anything that I could possibly do to improve our relationship, but my assumption in the beginning is always right on what type of friends we can be.
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09-15-2009, 05:47 PM	#3
TimeParadox Member [03%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 120	When I first start associating with someone, I try to as open as possible, but I'm talking about after that. I've had some 'friends' for a few years now, and I just don't see the compatibility necessary for a close relationship. I'm just saying that it seems like s/he isn't worth it to make a bunch of compromises. It's really hard for me to want to make compromises for someone I don't like that much in hopes of it turning into something better, but after a long time, what if it still doesn't? Maybe I'm too picky or something, but is it really supposed to be this painful to form new friendships?
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09-15-2009, 06:15 PM	#5
Solaris Core Member [178%] MBTI: ENTJ Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 7,152	Well, it depends on what these standards are. I, for one, have high standards for myself and for others. I also know that I leave very little wiggle room there. There are a few for whom I have made exceptions. That said, I don't have a hard time making friends, it's actually quite easy. What I am selective about is who gets close and who gets to know certain personal details (which often surprise people when they learn which ones I consider truly personal and private). I've found that, for some reason, I am generally able to tell quickly if a person is going to have an impact or large role in my life. I know that I am also an all or nothing sort of person in many respects, though perhaps we interpret the meaning of the phrase differently.
Solaris is offline post a comment

09-19-2009, 05:52 AM	#7
ProxyMe New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 61	It's very much all-or-nothing with me and friendships. However, the key is to be slow to make decisions about which category someone fits. Some people are dull as dirt for the first few month-years, then suddenly everything starts to change. I have four very close friends, none of which know each other, and it turns out three are also INTJ. It took years to learn how to associate with each of these appropriately. Once we learned how to communicate and appreciate each other, we have been able to have very intimate and fulfilling conversations. We are able to explore various ideas and debate each other for hours, which is something for which our personality is known. Had I been quick to decide against any of these, I would have missed out on a meaningful friendship as well as been guilty of treating another INTJ the same way others treat me. That being said, some people have the recurrent problem of only saying things that are stupid as shit. Drop these people immediately.
ProxyMe is offline post a comment