[themuzicman]

I've seen several people (women mostly) who say that they would forgo having their own children and choose to adopt an older child.

This thread is specifically for a discussion between current parents of their own children and adopted children and those who are considering this path. (This is not a debate over whether to adopt or the value in doing so.)


I have a brother that was adopted when he was 3. I was 7 at the time. He actually was a fairly good kid, but he came with his own issues. He was abandoned by his mother before he was out of diapers, and he (and his siblings) were put into a foster homes. I don't think they were kept together.

Thus, he lost his entire family before age 4. I don't remember a lot of details about the situation (being only 7), but I do remember there was a lot that my mom and dad had to deal with in raising him. He was fairly rebellious, and probably was used to doing what he wanted and having to fight for what he could get.

This isn't to say that he wasn't part of our family. We accepted him as a brother. But there were developmental and social issues as a result of his early childhood.


From a parental perspective, I can honestly say that it is impossible to evaluate most parental questions until you've been a parent of multiple children yourself. Part of raising your own child is deciding how you will raise your own children. Many of my "when I have kids, I'll never.." or "I'm going to..." statements didn't survive first contact, and many more fell by the wayside by the time my oldest was 4. The fact that we started with an infant and had an opportunity to ease a bit into the terrible twos (and threes) with multiple kids helped us to form a working parental philosophy as we went along.

And this was with kids that we raised to be relatively normal.

As an INTJ, my 'N' and 'T' were regularly challenged by children who are 'S' and 'F' and even 'P'. My parenting philosophy had to take into account that different children had personalities that were different than mine, and I had to learn how those personalities needed to be parented.

I think one of the issues with having your first child be an adopted older child is the compounding of these two issues:

1) Rookie parent trying to find their own parenting philosophy with children of different personalities with
2) A child who has developmental and behavior issues that must be dealt with consistently, wisely, confidently and in accordance with the needs of a child with their personality.

Any kid with a rebellious attitude (ESTJ, anyone?), especially with behavioral and developmental issues, is going to eat up a parent who isn't confident in every aspect of parenting and do so quickly.


If you say that you're going to find a child without developmental or behavioral issues, then I think you're being a bit naive. There is a two year waiting list for newborn adoptions. If you are able to have children, but go this route, that's just plain selfish, unless it is a special needs child. There are more than enough families who cannot have children who wish a newborn adoption.

So, if you think about children who aren't newborns, they've been abandoned by their mom. More than likely they've either been left to fend for themselves (and possibly their younger siblings) in neglect, or they've been abused. My daughter works for a children's services agency, and it takes about a year to terminate parental rights. And that's after the neglect/abuse has been discovered. So, a child may go through two or three years of neglect and then separation before you even CAN adopt them.

In adopting one, you are likely removing a child from ever seeing their siblings again (at least it will seem this way from their perspective.) The likely hood of these things not producing significant behavioral and developmental issues is minuscule to none.


No, my intent isn't to talk anyone out of adopting. We need more people willing to adopt and raise these kids. My intent is to help those who are considering this go into it with your eyes open, and to understand beforehand what issues you will face, not only as a new parent, but as a parent of an adopted older child, and what you will need to raise a child to be a successful adult.

I invite other parents to share their experiences, wisdom, knowledge, stories, etc. regarding parenting philosophy, raising children, adopting children and any other relevant items that may help those considering an older adoption as their first child.

I also invite those considering adoption to respond, ask questions, and participate in any way you think will benefit your decision.

[Amphorian]

I have considered adopting and if so an older child. Frankly I find it annoying that others would think people don't do their research before adopting. I have read stories, theories on behavior dealing with abused adopts, how to handle them, put in my own thoughts and understanding, etc. Not to mention I would actually understand these children far better then most and can use my own past to relate to them.

I understand one has to be patient, kind, understanding, and an educator yet firm and with strong values to uphold and teach.

I have no questions. I'm a firm believer in listening, do some engaging and doing your own research.

And yes, I am nineteen. No, I don't know everything, nor am I adopting like tomorrow. I'd consider around thirty to be a better age and with me having more experience in far more situations.

[daydreamer]

people tell me to adopt all the time, as i'm soon to be 41 and yet childless. but it's important to my husband and me to have our own child, biologically, and from the getgo, for many of the same reasons you mention muzicman. i was adopted, "older," and although i turned out fine lol i had a real problem with my parents, and to some extent i still do. i don't blame them, but they are very different than me. and since i was very different from them it was difficult for them to let me be me. as i was a little older, they also saw me as having my own personality when they got me, and it was their opinion that it needed to be changed.

on the other hand, my non-biological brother was also adopted from 3 days old. his personality coincided with my parents' much better and their relationship is much closer.

what is right for me isn't what is right for everybody. but i would recommend anyone considering adopting, whether an older child or not, carefully consider how to deal with mixing biological children with adoptees, and how to deal with mixing adoptees. and mixing with foster kids, too, if that is something you're considering. i think there are people who are definitely up to the task, and would make great parents - as well as any biological - but its best to think all the permutations through with a cool head.

personally i would consider fostering, but not adopting. like muzicman says, adopting usually (not always) severs ties with the existing biological family, at least until the child becomes an adult. that wasn't a good thing for me and i can't personally support it, but i can support fostering - taking care of kids who need a stable home. to me there's nothing wrong with not claiming a kid as my own legally, i can still care for him/her just the same, with just as much love. the idea that foster kids are less wanted is something i object to, i've seen both sides in my extended family. some of my cousins have foster kids and love them like their own, but respect that they have their own biological relations. i know that practice isn't always the case but it's ideal in my mind, as ideal a solution to the existing problem as can be.

[TigerL]

Interesting post, muzicman. As someone who has thought about (but not seriously yet) adoption and has browsed adoption sites briefly, I've noticed that some specify what type of family they think a child will fit best in -- e.g. no children, family with older kids, etc. Wouldn't this have some bearing on which children are matched up with which parents?

Also, some sites talk about whether the children have biological/ developmental issues (although the detail or amount of support given parents obviously can vary) so it's not like people are stepping blindly.

I'd also like to hear from people who have "aged out" of adoption and how they deal with perhaps not having a "anchoring" family and international adoption. In my circle of acquaintances, a fair number of couples adopt domestically and internationally.