funeral etiquette?

**Frodis** · 03-10-2009, 10:48 AM

What are your thoughts on attending a viewing/visitation and funeral of a person you do not know?

My case: the deceased is my supervisor's 80-something year-old mother, whom I've never met nor seen a photograph of. I'm quite friendly with my supervisor at work, but we rarely interact outside work. While I understand that "funerals are for the living" more than for the dead, I still couldn't bring myself to attend -- even though just about every other person in our office (even the intern) went. AND the funeral was a 2-hr drive away, in another state. Personally, I feel funerals and visitations are for close friends and family and I don't feel that I'm either.

I'm torn between feeling like a real ass and feeling that my co-workers who attended are kind of "sucking up." Am I being too cynical?

It's not that I care so much what they think of me. I think my problem is more along the lines of 'why does everyone else think this is socially acceptable, whereas I think it's disingenuous?' I'm sure my gut instinct was probably wrong about this (at least according to Ms Manners-style etiquette), but I can't change how I "feel."

(This is the first thread I've started...hope it's in the right subforum.)

**alphawolf** · 03-10-2009, 10:51 AM

This is wrongful fraternization on the part of your supervisor and you are perfectly within your boundaries to decline.

**Feral** · 03-10-2009, 10:51 AM

I think you were right, but maybe I'm an asshole, too!

Unless your supervisor and you are super tight and he really needs you around for moral support, WTF?

I don't get it...

**ClydeB** · 03-10-2009, 11:01 AM

I agree about not going if you are not comfortable. I don't go to anything like that unless I personally knew and liked them. Why not send some flowers or send a card saying you made a small donation to a charity in the deceased name.

**Frodis** · 03-10-2009, 11:48 AM

Our office is also planning to pool money for a donation and/or a meal. So we're doing that in addition. I'll probably also send a sympathy card on my own; I just hadn't gotten anywhere to get one yet. Those gestures, I'm fine with. It's the actual attendance of what I feel is a personal, family-oriented event like a funeral that I have issues with.

Thanks for the feedback. Yet another case of my INTJ brain not understanding social customs, I guess.

Storm · 03-10-2009, 11:49 AM

I think it's rude for your supervisor to expect people to go. I'm sure Miss. Manners would back me up. Funerals are for those who knew the person to express grief, honor the person's life, and help put closure on the event. I suppose, there could be situations where one goes to help support another. (Like, if your spouse's aunt died whom you have never met, but s/he was close to as a child). But the entire office of people would not lend to that support, it might even disrupt the grieving process for others attending.

**Uytuun** · 03-10-2009, 11:55 AM

What you say makes sense, however, it might be misinterpreted by people who function according to a different set of norms. Some people (my ESF mother for example) seem to derive comfort from the amount of people that attend a funeral (because it solidifies the family status? Because they want to share their grief and are comforted by outward gestures of sympathy even if the person in question barely knew the deceased) and really really appreciate mere acquaintances showing up. Fe.

Funerals tend to be rather hypocritical in their general make-up.

**SeaCzar** · 03-10-2009, 11:56 AM

	Originally Posted by Frodis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Am I being too cynical?

In my world, there is no such animal. And, you are correct in your assumptions.

**Frodis** · 03-10-2009, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by Uytuun
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What you say makes sense, however, it might be misinterpreted by people who function according to a different set of norms. Some people (my ESF mother for example) seem to derive comfort from the amount of people that attend a funeral (because it solidifies the family status? Because they want to share their grief and are comforted by outward gestures of sympathy even if the person in question barely knew the deceased) and really really appreciate mere acquaintances showing up. Fe.

Yes, the misinterpretation is what concerns me, I guess. I actually don't think my supervisor would expect me to attend (she seems to understand my personality quirks and is a bit of an introvert herself). But to the others in the office, I might appear cold and uncaring. However, I spoke to my supervisor at length several times while her mother was dying about my own experiences with my father's death. I tried, in my way, to express sympathy and understanding. I would think that would be enough; it's enough for me (actually more than enough for me; I don't enjoy outpourings of sympathy but I try to be gracious).

Oh well, I know I've done what I'm comfortable with and if anyone has a problem with it, well, it's their problem.

**Anth** · 03-11-2009, 01:25 AM

I don't think you should have to attend either. Nothing, but NOTHING pisses me off as much as social ritual where I am expected to buy in to an emotional display that I'm not feeling.

If you do have to go, though, make sure you eat your own body weight in canapes at the wake.

**acyckowski** · 03-11-2009, 01:59 PM

A 2-hour drive to the viewing of somebody you didn't know? That goes way beyond propriety for a coworker, even if it is your boss. Your spouse's great aunt, sure, but not a coworker. If this was local, I'd tell you to make your appearance at the funeral service, but viewings are a lot more personal than the relationship warrants.

I'm with you, skip the viewing but throw in for the office gift.

Observation: isn't it crazy how the touchy-feely types can be so insensitive to your discomfort at an awkward situation?

**Arminius** · 03-11-2009, 06:00 PM

I wouldn't attend, nor would I expect my minions to attend if I was a supervisor. As I understand it, funerals are for friends and family of the dead. A sympathy card strikes me as entirely appropriate. I would also join the pool for donation.

**Frodis** · 03-12-2009, 08:34 AM

Thanks, I think I made the right call. Half of our office (14 people) went to either the viewing or the funeral. Boss is back today and mentioned how surprised she was that anyone from here went; she said she never expected anyone to do that. Although she seemed pleased they came, (and I could be wrongly interpreting her reaction here), I think she might have found it a bit weird for all of them to make the 2-hr plus trip. Anyway, I sent a card, contributed to the donation, and had a nice conversation with her this morning.

I guess I still just don't understand the thinking of the others (the ones that attended). I chalk it up to either sycophancy or group-think (e.g, if one person goes, the others follow). Either that or some "feeling" function I do not share with them. Puzzling.

03-10-2009, 10:48 AM	#1
Frodis Member [03%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 145	What are your thoughts on attending a viewing/visitation and funeral of a person you do not know? My case: the deceased is my supervisor's 80-something year-old mother, whom I've never met nor seen a photograph of. I'm quite friendly with my supervisor at work, but we rarely interact outside work. While I understand that "funerals are for the living" more than for the dead, I still couldn't bring myself to attend -- even though just about every other person in our office (even the intern) went. AND the funeral was a 2-hr drive away, in another state. Personally, I feel funerals and visitations are for close friends and family and I don't feel that I'm either. I'm torn between feeling like a real ass and feeling that my co-workers who attended are kind of "sucking up." Am I being too cynical? It's not that I care so much what they think of me. I think my problem is more along the lines of 'why does everyone else think this is socially acceptable, whereas I think it's disingenuous?' I'm sure my gut instinct was probably wrong about this (at least according to Ms Manners-style etiquette), but I can't change how I "feel." (This is the first thread I've started...hope it's in the right subforum.)
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03-10-2009, 10:51 AM	#2
alphawolf Veteran Member [59%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 2,361	This is wrongful fraternization on the part of your supervisor and you are perfectly within your boundaries to decline.
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03-10-2009, 10:51 AM	#3
Feral Veteran Member [59%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 2,377	I think you were right, but maybe I'm an asshole, too! Unless your supervisor and you are super tight and he really needs you around for moral support, WTF? I don't get it...
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03-10-2009, 11:01 AM	#4
ClydeB Veteran Member [83%] MBTI: INTx Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 3,348	I agree about not going if you are not comfortable. I don't go to anything like that unless I personally knew and liked them. Why not send some flowers or send a card saying you made a small donation to a charity in the deceased name.
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03-10-2009, 11:48 AM	#5
Frodis Member [03%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 145	Our office is also planning to pool money for a donation and/or a meal. So we're doing that in addition. I'll probably also send a sympathy card on my own; I just hadn't gotten anywhere to get one yet. Those gestures, I'm fine with. It's the actual attendance of what I feel is a personal, family-oriented event like a funeral that I have issues with. Thanks for the feedback. Yet another case of my INTJ brain not understanding social customs, I guess.
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03-10-2009, 11:49 AM	#6
Storm Administrator MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 14,682	I think it's rude for your supervisor to expect people to go. I'm sure Miss. Manners would back me up. Funerals are for those who knew the person to express grief, honor the person's life, and help put closure on the event. I suppose, there could be situations where one goes to help support another. (Like, if your spouse's aunt died whom you have never met, but s/he was close to as a child). But the entire office of people would not lend to that support, it might even disrupt the grieving process for others attending.
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03-10-2009, 11:55 AM	#7
Uytuun Member [26%] MBTI: INTj Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 1,062	What you say makes sense, however, it might be misinterpreted by people who function according to a different set of norms. Some people (my ESF mother for example) seem to derive comfort from the amount of people that attend a funeral (because it solidifies the family status? Because they want to share their grief and are comforted by outward gestures of sympathy even if the person in question barely knew the deceased) and really really appreciate mere acquaintances showing up. Fe. Funerals tend to be rather hypocritical in their general make-up.
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03-11-2009, 01:25 AM	#10
Anth New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 75	I don't think you should have to attend either. Nothing, but NOTHING pisses me off as much as social ritual where I am expected to buy in to an emotional display that I'm not feeling. If you do have to go, though, make sure you eat your own body weight in canapes at the wake.
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03-11-2009, 01:59 PM	#11
acyckowski Member [37%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,485	A 2-hour drive to the viewing of somebody you didn't know? That goes way beyond propriety for a coworker, even if it is your boss. Your spouse's great aunt, sure, but not a coworker. If this was local, I'd tell you to make your appearance at the funeral service, but viewings are a lot more personal than the relationship warrants. I'm with you, skip the viewing but throw in for the office gift. Observation: isn't it crazy how the touchy-feely types can be so insensitive to your discomfort at an awkward situation?
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03-11-2009, 06:00 PM	#12
Arminius Member [08%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 331	I wouldn't attend, nor would I expect my minions to attend if I was a supervisor. As I understand it, funerals are for friends and family of the dead. A sympathy card strikes me as entirely appropriate. I would also join the pool for donation.
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03-12-2009, 08:34 AM	#13
Frodis Member [03%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 145	Thanks, I think I made the right call. Half of our office (14 people) went to either the viewing or the funeral. Boss is back today and mentioned how surprised she was that anyone from here went; she said she never expected anyone to do that. Although she seemed pleased they came, (and I could be wrongly interpreting her reaction here), I think she might have found it a bit weird for all of them to make the 2-hr plus trip. Anyway, I sent a card, contributed to the donation, and had a nice conversation with her this morning. I guess I still just don't understand the thinking of the others (the ones that attended). I chalk it up to either sycophancy or group-think (e.g, if one person goes, the others follow). Either that or some "feeling" function I do not share with them. Puzzling.
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