[kazzamunga]

OK so there is a lot of talk going on in the forum from people in relationships, and people who seem to vehemently defend their singledom. What about people who would like to find a partner but aren't having much luck? Luck is the word I'm zoning in on...when I talk about this to people in relationships (which is most people I know), they tell me it is a problem with attitude, im obviously giving out the wrong vibes, set the bar too high, etc...that may well be the case, but I can't help but think it is partly just some sort of plan for me as well...I'm not sure if I believe in fate, and I certainly don't mould my life around finding a partner, but sometimes I think it's ridiculous!

Last night for example, I went to a housewarming party thrown by a friend, mainly to catch up with people I knew, but always interested in meeting anyone new. I had a really nice night and met a couple of fascinating people, but it was literally me, and 5 couples! It seems like wherever I go, I am surrounded by people who are already in relationships! A good example of the opposite is when my sister split up with her boyfriend a few years ago. She was a lot less sociable than me at uni, but decided to go out one night early in the term of her second year, a couple of months after they split. And hey presto, a friend introduced her to what became her next boyfriend, the first time she went out as a singleton!

I am not in the slightest bit desperate, and I think that is part of the problem...a lot of men seem to like women they can look after etc...on the other hand, I do get bored of being single! My new years resolution is to make a conscious effort to go to any events I am invited to, but it feels like I'm swimming against the tide in a way!

[Storm]

Maybe you should try joining a singles' club or join an online dating group?
I agree, "luck" (meaning coincidence) has a lot to do with whom you meet. But, if you keep rolling the dice, the numbers you want are bound to turn up eventually.

[jikin]

Yeah, that sounds a lot like me. While I'm content not being in a relationship, I would like to be in one. People I know tell me the same things. "You set the bar too high." -no, actually I have very few things on my list, but, oddly, most single men I meet don't match them. "You should go hang out at a bar; there's plenty of single guys at the bar!" -if I don't drink, why would I want to pick up a drunk guy at a bar?

blah blah blah...so on and so forth.....

I also notice my friends are all couples. I hate feeling like the third wheel.

	My new years resolution is to make a conscious effort to go to any events I am invited to, but it feels like I'm swimming against the tide in a way!

This might not be the best way to go. Instead of waiting to go to places others invite you to, why not forge out ahead on your own? You have a lot of interesting things in your profile. Why not pick one or two of them and find classes or groups in your area that have like interests? Sure, there are times when we fall into things due to pure luck, but most of the time we make our own luck.

[kazzamunga]

Thanks guys, those are my thoughts exactly...I went along to a singles club last month, and as much as I enjoyed it as a challenge, and met a couple of cool people, they weren't really MY kind of people. And I wouldn't be interested in dating any of them. A lot of them were quite a lot older too. I intend to do some speed dating as well, again, just for the practice as much as anything. I totally agree that I need to get myself out there, and I definitely believe that sometimes you have to make your own luck...I am going to start doin short courses in psychology and philosophy in April and see whether I can meet poeple through learning about something I am interested in...but I guess the point I was making was that I could sign up for those courses and then find that noone is my age etc, whereas someone else might have the luck to sign on to a course where everyone is there age and has loads in common etc. Just seems that some people have to put less effort in.

And I *hate* it when people say you'll meet people in bars! What are the chances of finding someone with anything in common with you when all you have as a starting point is the place you're in right there and then?! But then i think some people don't even need to have anything in common to be happy with someone...tried that once and it was awful!

[laserist]

It's called synchronicity - another one of those Jung concepts. Just get out there where there might be people you'd like. Earth Day, or sit and read a book at a coffee shop, and look at what other people are reading and if it involves QM (or whatever) ask if it's any good (I was reading "Your Mind on Music" the other day and a cute blonde asked about it.), go to an Art Museum find the worst example of self indulgent crappy modern art and ask someone promising what they think about it, volunteer, take a class, hell teach a class, do a bike tour, borrow somebody's dog and take it for a walk, take a walk and ask if you can pet their dog, get busy living...

[Storm]

By singles' "club" I meant a social club, like a bike club, church group, etc. Not a dance club. But yeah, everything laserist said. If you're out where people are, someone is bound to catch your eye at some point. Oh, and I agree about bars. Bars are probably the worst places to meet people ever. They are full of creeps. I only go to bars when I want to (shock!) get a beer with some friends. Anybody try to pick me up, they will get a death stare and polite "I'm not interested" even if they are have the physique of a god.

[Gamgee]

I am not opposed to it. However, I have taken this stance on it "It is something that will just happen. You can't seek it, but it will find you."

[kazzamunga]

Originally Posted by laserist To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

It's called synchronicity - another one of those Jung concepts. Just get out there where there might be people you'd like. Earth Day, or sit and read a book at a coffee shop, and look at what other people are reading and if it involves QM (or whatever) ask if it's any good (I was reading "Your Mind on Music" the other day and a cute blonde asked about it.), go to an Art Museum find the worst example of self indulgent crappy modern art and ask someone promising what they think about it, volunteer, take a class, hell teach a class, do a bike tour, borrow somebody's dog and take it for a walk, take a walk and ask if you can pet their dog, get busy living...

yeah totally to most of that...can i ask where you're from? america? just cos it sounds like a cop out, but generally if you live in London and you go up to a stranger and ask them about what they're reading, they'll look at you like you're an alien. Not to say I would if someone did the same to me, and that everyone reacts like that, but I have done it before and the response was enough to stop me doing it on a regular basis!

[Kisai]

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Maybe you should try joining a singles' club or join an online dating group? I agree, "luck" (meaning coincidence) has a lot to do with whom you meet. But, if you keep rolling the dice, the numbers you want are bound to turn up eventually.

Pretty much. You want to keep the frequency that you roll the dice up there.

Stay at home = none
Go to coffeeshop. Plug into your laptop = low
Go to events that you like = medium
Go to events catering to singles = medium high
Walk up to girls that you like and say hello to them whenever opportunity presents itself= high

[Antares]

	OK so there is a lot of talk going on in the forum from people in relationships, and people who seem to vehemently defend their singledom.

I had suspected that people would make that observation very soon. Well, I'm not going to defend my singledom by saying I don't need it or something, but I am perfectly happy single (in fact, I'd wish for someone to leave me alone).

	Luck is the word I'm zoning in on...when I talk about this to people in relationships (which is most people I know), they tell me it is a problem with attitude, im obviously giving out the wrong vibes, set the bar too high, etc...

I don't even know what my problem is, but the Romance Department and I have never agreed. My last relationship attested to that. I don't mind being in a new relationship; it might even be fun, but I'm fine without it.

[MaleVolentworld]

You just need to get out and be around people, then wait on luck to shine on you.

I don't get out much and don't feel comfortable around people, unless they make me comfortable, some people have those powers. Luck has shined on me once, and then with that followed so much bad luck.

First I need to get work and then I'll probably start going to the gym again and maybe other things. I remember going to the gym once, saw a girl walking on the treadmill, looking into the mirror and it was like she was practising for a cat walk. Another woman had a good work out, she was sweating all over, which is sexy. Then she sat next to me and started doing and exercise with the legs, where you push wide open as far as possible, and I was going to say something but I started to daydream...dribble

[kazzamunga]

Originally Posted by MaleVolentworld To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

First I need to get work and then I'll probably start going to the gym again and maybe other things. I remember going to the gym once, saw a girl walking on the treadmill, looking into the mirror and it was like she was practising for a cat walk. Another woman had a good work out, she was sweating all over, which is sexy. Then she sat next to me and started doing and exercise with the legs, where you push wide open as far as possible, and I was going to say something but I started to daydream...dribble

haha a nice insight into your thought processes there
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[Kendra]

You are not alone in the slightest. Some people seem to jump from one relationship to another, whereas I just don't meet anyone. I also have friends who say my standards are too high, but that's crap. My standards are not at all high, there is only one point I insist upon - they must not be an idiot.

[Phyconaut]

incident weekend after new years.

at a the local pool hall alone i was being my normal self having fun enjoying a table to my self.

i noticed a woman who every time i seemed to look around she seemed to be looking in my direction.

after the night was done no drinks ruins accuracy. She come over in that fuck you in a nice way tone and said (paraphrased as best i can remember)

" Why the F**k are you so narcissistic. I've been waiting for you to talk to me all night you B*****d."

and then walked out and i was confused so i resumed playing pool.

nothings ever happened to me like that before.

so im in the same boat as you are but here is an example of spontaneity.

I still have no idea what the hell that was all about.

[maxpot46]

	Originally Posted by Phyconaut To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	nothings ever happened to me like that before. so im in the same boat as you are but here is an example of spontaneity. I still have no idea what the hell that was all about.

Men have to initiate contact but women signal men that they desire to be approached. So if you found her attractive, you missed an opportunity. If you didn't find her attractive, you didn't miss anything.

It pays to try and pay attention to that sort of thing, though if you're anything like me it can be hard to notice. Still, if the girl sends signals and you pick up on them, man up and initiate, then you're off to a great start.

[Phyconaut]

Interesting indeed

well one more step taken.
i know now that their are signals given off.

the thought never occurred to me that she was looking at me.
I thought their was something going on behind me.

i know i notice the physical world but people are so confusing.

[Zhen]

	Originally Posted by Gamgee To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am not opposed to it. However, I have taken this stance on it "It is something that will just happen. You can't seek it, but it will find you."

agree, by all means make an effort to increase your chances of meeting somone but don't go overboard!

I know lots of people who seem to just flit from one relationship to another with barely a break in between which I've never been able to understand- I think that it's just individual/personality differences...I also think these people have lower expectations so there is a far greater pool to be content with. Also some people are more needy and being "alone" is the most unacceptable fate you could bestow on them.

[Acextreme]

	Originally Posted by Kendra To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You are not alone in the slightest. Some people seem to jump from one relationship to another, whereas I just don't meet anyone. I also have friends who say my standards are too high, but that's crap. My standards are not at all high, there is only one point I insist upon - they must not be an idiot.

That's it, that's why your standard is high, and so are mine and most of the other INTJs; most people are "idiots" by our standards, you see...
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Acextreme added to this post, 8 minutes and 37 seconds later...

Originally Posted by maxpot46 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Men have to initiate contact but women signal men that they desire to be approached. So if you found her attractive, you missed an opportunity. If you didn't find her attractive, you didn't miss anything. It pays to try and pay attention to that sort of thing, though if you're anything like me it can be hard to notice. Still, if the girl sends signals and you pick up on them, man up and initiate, then you're off to a great start.

Well, the thing is, how do we know that they are for real? I mean, I got girls looking at me with those "check him out" glances when I walk into a train, room, etc, but so what? How would you expect me to walk up to them complete strangers and initiate a conversation? Like talk about what?

Oh hi, you are looking at me? Interested?

Definitely not like that, right? So what suggestions to leverage on these "opportunities"? And how can I be sure that they see me as attractive and not something else like "oh, look at him, look at him. Weird fella..."

[Zilal]

If you're not sure how to approach women, I'd actually suggest doing some reading on PUA (pick-up artist) websites... so much of what they practice is objectifying crap, but some of it is quite honest icebreakers, how to keep a conversation going, etc.

[maxpot46]

Originally Posted by Acextreme To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, the thing is, how do we know that they are for real? I mean, I got girls looking at me with those "check him out" glances when I walk into a train, room, etc, but so what? How would you expect me to walk up to them complete strangers and initiate a conversation? Like talk about what? Oh hi, you are looking at me? Interested? Definitely not like that, right? So what suggestions to leverage on these "opportunities"? And how can I be sure that they see me as attractive and not something else like "oh, look at him, look at him. Weird fella..."

Well, they're looking at you and you're looking at them. So try making eye contact and smiling. If she holds it and smiles back, then you go and talk to her (same if she smiles but breaks eye contact, if this occurs multiple times, since shy people have trouble with eye contact). I'd recommend something simple like "Wow, you're gorgeous... what's your name?" coupled with a sincere yet charming smile. If you have any chemistry that's all you need to get started. If things get awkward, don't try to change your game, just gracefully exit -- the point is not to make conquests but find a connection.

Easier said than done, I know. You should practice in front of a mirror or something (an effective technique for many presentation skills, frankly). Approaching girls is tough and the many false starts you suffer will be daunting, but there's no other way to meet women.

[Acextreme]

Originally Posted by maxpot46 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, they're looking at you and you're looking at them. So try making eye contact and smiling. If she holds it and smiles back, then you go and talk to her (same if she smiles but breaks eye contact, if this occurs multiple times, since shy people have trouble with eye contact). I'd recommend something simple like "Wow, you're gorgeous... what's your name?" coupled with a sincere yet charming smile. If you have any chemistry that's all you need to get started. If things get awkward, don't try to change your game, just gracefully exit -- the point is not to make conquests but find a connection. Easier said than done, I know. You should practice in front of a mirror or something (an effective technique for many presentation skills, frankly). Approaching girls is tough and the many false starts you suffer will be daunting, but there's no other way to meet women.

Oh man, that sucks. But I guess there's no other better method. Ok, I will give it a try the next time I have such an opportunity. But it just kinda feels weird since they are strangers...so how do you continue after she gave you her name and you introduced yourself?

Any suggestions so I can see how a conversation can lead off from there?

[Phyconaut]

Thanks for the help in making clear this incident.

this just sucks because their is no guaranteed way for interaction.

now is thier any other key points to help in limiting the luck factor?