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Any advice or challenges for INTJ/INFP pairings? None
Old 03-04-2013, 09:19 PM   #1
INFPish
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I noticed the latest INTJ/INFP post is very very old. Just wondering if anyone has any good experiences to share or challenges they got through?
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Old 03-04-2013, 10:45 PM   #2
JK06
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  Originally Posted by INFPish
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I noticed the latest INTJ/INFP post is very very old. Just wondering if anyone has any good experiences to share or challenges they got through?

I've been with my INTJ man for 13 years. For the most part we've been a great match, once he dropped the wall around him he's a very loving passionate partner. I like the fact that he's a homebody like me and we have some heavy intellectual connections.

We did go through some hard times over his criticism. INFP's don't like it and I especially don't like it, especially if I felt it was unwarranted. But once I learned about the MBTI it helped me understand where he's coming from and I don't take things personally like I used to. I also hated the way he would always play devil's advocate...I'd make an opinion and he'd slam it, insisting I back up my opinion with facts, figures, and logic. He'd give me the death glare and spit questions at me till I'd be stuttering. Then I'd explode with a big F U and flounce out, lol.

But we've weathered the hard stuff and I think what makes us work is mutual admiration for each others' strengths and patience with the weaknesses. I can't imagine ever being without him.

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Old 03-05-2013, 04:11 AM   #3
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I haven't dated an INFP but I've talked to a lot of them. From the ones I've flirted with we get along great and I've learned not to be overly critical as it can be seen as argumentative. I now take a more polite approach to INFPs.
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Old 03-05-2013, 08:34 AM   #4
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  Originally Posted by JK06
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I also hated the way he would always play devil's advocate...I'd make an opinion and he'd slam it, insisting I back up my opinion with facts, figures, and logic. He'd give me the death glare and spit questions at me till I'd be stuttering. Then I'd explode with a big F U and flounce out, lol.

What you describe here is basically my fear of all fears about this pairing. The fact that you said you'd be stuttering is exactly what happens to me when I'm overly flustered and this seems deeply embarrassing and almost shame inducing. May I ask how you moved past being so reactive to an onslaught of logic?

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Old 03-05-2013, 10:23 AM   #5
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  Originally Posted by hi5yourface
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What you describe here is basically my fear of all fears about this pairing. The fact that you said you'd be stuttering is exactly what happens to me when I'm overly flustered and this seems deeply embarrassing and almost shame inducing. May I ask how you moved past being so reactive to an onslaught of logic?

It WAS hard, and it took us meeting halfway and understanding the other person's point of view (MBTI helped a great deal). He understands I come from intuition and emotion, I understand he's a 'just the facts' person..and I have learned to back up my position with evidence and not take it personal if he's peppering me with questions, he's interested in what I have to say but not going to give into agreement until he's seen all angles. But, knowing I will likely withdraw and walk off (I will do that to avoid emotionally reacting), he's not as confrontational about it. I think when he noticed I had started looking to others (as in family members and close friends) for conversation and had withdrawn somewhat from him, he toned it way down.

Once I learned about the MBTI and explored the subject more I did notice that there seems to be a powerful attraction between the INTJ and INFP/ENFP. I've wondered why that is.

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Old 03-05-2013, 11:26 AM   #6
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Been with my INFP wife 21 years; It had some really rough moments starting out..but I have no regrets at all.
I had to dig pretty deep to find what little Fi I had in order to understand her reasoning at times...but it was worth every bit of of effort.
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Old 03-05-2013, 11:51 AM   #7
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Old 03-05-2013, 02:24 PM   #8
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Thank you so much for your reply.

  Originally Posted by JK06
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It WAS hard, and it took us meeting halfway and understanding the other person's point of view (MBTI helped a great deal). He understands I come from intuition and emotion, I understand he's a 'just the facts' person..and I have learned to back up my position with evidence and not take it personal if he's peppering me with questions, he's interested in what I have to say but not going to give into agreement until he's seen all angles.

This seems like a very productive method of dealing with this issue. You have learned how to approach communication and bridge the gap so to speak.


  Originally Posted by JK06
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But, knowing I will likely withdraw and walk off (I will do that to avoid emotionally reacting), he's not as confrontational about it. I think when he noticed I had started looking to others (as in family members and close friends) for conversation and had withdrawn somewhat from him, he toned it way down.

This also is good in that he has found a way to compromise some of his logical arguments for the sake of better relations so it seems the two of you have had a balancing effect on each other.


  Originally Posted by JK06
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Once I learned about the MBTI and explored the subject more I did notice that there seems to be a powerful attraction between the INTJ and INFP/ENFP. I've wondered why that is.

This is just a theory but I'm almost curious that these types of interactions are the source of attraction to begin with. You said you get flustered to the point of stuttering when having to present your argument logically and I can very much relate to that but I don't get that way with many people. In fact it's extremely rare but I think this type interaction heightens an emotional response indicative of the logic factor. That the peppering with logical questions triggers an emotional overload as the primary function struggles to complete the task. It would not surprise me if you said that in these moments you have been both flustered to the point of stuttering and at the same time almost aroused by it. Not trying to be crude and I could be way off but it seems these type interactions are conducive to that response.

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Old 03-05-2013, 02:56 PM   #9
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Yes, I think balance is the key. And when he saw that the level of detachment that came with hitting me hard with EXPLAIN LOGICALLY, YOU ARE NOT BEING RATIONAL when I felt strongly about a topic and wanted to share it with him, only to have it slapped back at me and feeling like an insipid fool. I've seen him do it to other people and make them angry, and he's honestly shocked when they are, it's nothing personal as far as he's concerned.

I think as an INFP I like to feel in sync with my loved ones, and when constantly being faced with a conflict when expressing myself hurt me deeply. I would find myself starting to talk to him, then saying forget it, not worth it. I started thinking maybe we'd both be happier with somebody else. When I voiced that perhaps he would be happier with someone else he was upset, thought about it, and really made an effort to meet me halfway.

As far as finding it arousing, a good intellectual meeting of minds with some verbal sparring but acceptance of the other's point of view can be an aphrodisiac, in my opinion. I think when we met we liked each other's physical selves but it was the intellectual attraction that took it to the next level. But when I felt attacked and my viewpoints devalued, that was like a cold shower over my head, haha.

---------- Post added 03-05-2013 at 01:01 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by Doc Savage
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Been with my INFP wife 21 years; It had some really rough moments starting out..but I have no regrets at all.
I had to dig pretty deep to find what little Fi I had in order to understand her reasoning at times...but it was worth every bit of of effort.

Glad you did. Sounds like you have a nice thing going. Congratulations
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.

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Old 03-05-2013, 03:27 PM   #10
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  Originally Posted by JK06
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As far as finding it arousing, a good intellectual meeting of minds with some verbal sparring but acceptance of the other's point of view can be an aphrodisiac, in my opinion. I think when we met we liked each other's physical selves but it was the intellectual attraction that took it to the next level. But when I felt attacked and my viewpoints devalued, that was like a cold shower over my head, haha.

I understand, it would be hard to maintain intimacy if you felt constantly belittled and devalued for your opinions in an argument.

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Old 03-05-2013, 07:11 PM   #11
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  Originally Posted by Doc Savage
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Been with my INFP wife 21 years; It had some really rough moments starting out..but I have no regrets at all.
I had to dig pretty deep to find what little Fi I had in order to understand her reasoning at times...but it was worth every bit of of effort.

What did digging deep to find FI look like?
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Old 03-05-2013, 07:43 PM   #12
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Like a dirty mutt digging for a bone..
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...not pretty, but vastly entertaining.
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Old 03-05-2013, 07:51 PM   #13
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Doc Savage, Hahaha. Entertaining for you or your wife or just an outside observer? :P Can you think of any successful examples? I find it incredibly difficult to explain myself when I'm talking in FI to an INTJ. It takes so much energy and by that time I'm already frustrated so my brain just goes into spilling out the guts mode.

JK06, does it get better? I hate conflict and criticism as well (classic INFP trait) and will think twice often before saying something because I don't want to deal with a confrontation or as you put it "a cold shower". Of course as an INFP you want to be able to bring up topics close to your heart, so what to do?
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Old 03-06-2013, 12:20 PM   #14
JK06
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  Originally Posted by INFPish
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JK06, does it get better? I hate conflict and criticism as well (classic INFP trait) and will think twice often before saying something because I don't want to deal with a confrontation or as you put it "a cold shower". Of course as an INFP you want to be able to bring up topics close to your heart, so what to do?

Yes it does
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I had to change my expectations as I know now small talk or anything resembling gossip will make his eyes glaze over. However if I want his take on something I'll preamble a conversation by saying, "Hey I read/saw/heard something interesting today, what do you think of this...." and he'll have a thoughtful logical interpretation to add. If we don't see eye to eye we agree to disagree, which believe me took effort on both our parts; his in not insisting I see it his way and shooting my point of view down, mine on not feeling personally slighted when he's not "on my side".

There is a lot of work involved in a INFP/INTJ pairing, but so rewarding.
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He might not be the flowers and candy type (which I don't care anyway) but when he reorganizes my pantry because he saw a can fall on my foot I melt into a puddle.

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Old 03-07-2013, 10:27 AM   #15
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What does an infp do with feeling intimidated by the lack of enthusiastic response? I feel insecure about having my thoughts stomped on.

JK or anyone else do you mind posting your story?
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