[fallingstar]

I have posted a similar thread on another MBTI based forum, but I would really appreciate some insight from you INTJs.

Something has come to my attention re my INTJ and I'm feeling really uneasy about it.

I have a feeling he might engage in some self-harming behaviours. The other day I saw some fingernail type gouges/scratches on a particular area of his body. When I asked him about it, he quickly changed the subject. I don't believe they have been caused by someone else (i.e: that he might be cheating and have received the scratches during rough sex or something like that). In hindsight, I can think of a number instances where he has probably been trying to hide them over the time I've known him.

While he is probably inclined towards a melancholic disposition, I'm quite taken aback by this as he is otherwise a very healthy sort of person who does not have any other self-destructive or unhealthy behaviours that I am aware of, in fact he lives a very healthy lifestyle.

I am quite familiar with self-harming among females and possible diagonses for which self-injury is a criterion, such as Borderline Personality Disorder. He most certainly would not qualifiy for this, however, so I'm wondering if he might be much more depressed than he lets on to anyone.

*Any thoughts on how I can handle this?

*Any INTJs on here who have engaged in these behaviours?

*Is this common among INTJs?

*General thoughts?

Please don't focus on how distrubed he possibly is or tell me to run, I'm not about to abandon him.

Thanks in advance.

[Selene]

	I have a feeling he might engage in some self-harming behaviours. In hindsight, I can think of a number instances where he has probably been trying to hide them over the time I've known him. I'm wondering if he might be much more depressed than he lets on to anyone.

How long have you known him? How does he usually cope with unhappiness/anxiety/negative emotions?

Guilt and self punishment, distraction from emotional pain, addiction to the endorphin released etc. are some possible motivations.

	General thoughts?

Need more data. Have you tried sounding out his close friends?

[BuShinJu]

Is there any way you could get him onto INTJf, I realise it may be funny if you have to explain this thread, but other intjs post what they are going through here.

It has helped me get perspective on a lot of issues, but the main thing is it helped me know that I wasn't the only person going through it.

Even if it turns out that your SO is fine it might be nice for him to get in the threads himself.

[awake]

I've never been a cutter but I've been responsible for doing some negative things to myself. If you (or he) don't understand how INTJ's can be driven by our Inferior Function (Extraverted Feeling), you should do some googling. I'm only beginning to see how this has driven me.

Whatever actions you take this is probably one time you may want to ignore the standard INTJ "be direct" playbook. I tend to shutdown when someone is trying to help me and there is something deeply troubling me (even if they are off the mark). A better approach may be to do some things with him he likes (cook him his favorite dinner) and talk about things that may lead him to confide in you like lessons on inferior functions/ your own open self analysis. Make sure you've got him engaged and avoid the general chat that can make INTJ check out eg. don't try and talk and talk your way around to it by talking about a 3rd person's problems, he probably won't care, but if he cares about you then he'll listen to you opening up about yourself.

[fallingstar]

	Originally Posted by Selene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	How long have you known him? How does he usually cope with unhappiness/anxiety/negative emotions?

I've known him off and on about a year. To be honest, I'm not sure how he normally copes with stress. He'll usually report his stresses/upsets to me, but I don't know what he does other than that, other than retreat. I know he talks to his best friend about things.

	Need more data. Have you tried sounding out his close friends?

I don't know his close friends very well. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them behind his back and I doubt anyone other than his best friend would know much, anyway.

Originally Posted by BuShinJu To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Is there any way you could get him onto INTJf, I realise it may be funny if you have to explain this thread, but other intjs post what they are going through here. It has helped me get perspective on a lot of issues, but the main thing is it helped me know that I wasn't the only person going through it. Even if it turns out that your SO is fine it might be nice for him to get in the threads himself.

I was actually the one who introduced him to MBTI and he was sort of overwhelmed by seeing his personality all laid out in writing like that. I've told him that I visit a forum where I talk about personality but I don't know that he'd be all that interested in joining himself. Plus, I'd hate for him to feel like I am discussing him with a bunch of strangers which is why I am doing my best to only provide the broad strokes re this particular issue; to protect his anonymity.

---------- Post added 07-28-2012 at 11:30 PM ----------

Originally Posted by awake To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I've never been a cutter but I've been responsible for doing some negative things to myself. If you (or he) don't understand how INTJ's can be driven by our Inferior Function (Extraverted Feeling), you should do some googling. I'm only beginning to see how this has driven me. Whatever actions you take this is probably one time you may want to ignore the standard INTJ "be direct" playbook. I tend to shutdown when someone is trying to help me and there is something deeply troubling me (even if they are off the mark). A better approach may be to do some things with him he likes (cook him his favorite dinner) and talk about things that may lead him to confide in you like lessons on inferior functions/ your own open self analysis. Make sure you've got him engaged and avoid the general chat that can make INTJ check out eg. don't try and talk and talk your way around to it by talking about a 3rd person's problems, he probably won't care, but if he cares about you then he'll listen to you opening up about yourself.

Thank you for this. Noted.

[awake]

Sorry, google Extraverted Sensing (I got it wrong), I'm still trying to sort through everything after working out my type but know my inferior has driven me.

I only worked out I was an INTJ last week, overwhelming is one of probably a hundred words I could use to describe the experience. While it relief to feel understood and less alone, we tend to be highly individualistic and hold some pride in it. To be so thoroughly worked out and have our faults laid bare is challenging, and I still haven't even shared this with anyone (apart from anonymous forum goers) let alone discovered it in front of someone.

Be gentle and patient.

[Berserker]

Leave it unspoken. Often times what cannot be said in words is much better expressed in writing. Perhaps leave him a note "i'm here for you" or "you can tell me". Interactions that are awkward tend to repel people in general, not just INTJ's.

[Social Torture]

I have done this kind of thing in the past. Yes, there was a time when I liked to cut myself. For me, it was because I had lots of emotional pain in my childhood that I had never dealt with. I used it as a means to transfer pain. Physical pain was more tolerable than the emotions.

Are there any dark things in his past [abuse, trauma, etc]?

I would suggest the following. Keep in mind, I'm not an expert. I'm not going to tell you to do this, this, this and it will all be okay. Every situation is different.

#1 Monitor him: Look for any subtleties in his behavior. Athough people can be very good at hiding things, nobody can completely conceal an issue.

#2 Provide support: If he does come to the point where he can talk about the problem, listen without bias. Avoid being judgemental at all costs. Don't jump to any conclusions. Don't put too much pressure on the situation. For me at least, even though I did a fairly good job at hiding my problem, I was still in a very fragile state. The environment needs to be safe.

#3 You can only do so much: I'm not saying to ditch him. I'm just saying this because he ultimately has to be the one to deal with the issue. Support him to the fullest. Just remember, he is the only one that can do the work here.

Be strong, stay sane, and use good judgement.

[CMYkat]

Afraid I'm a self-injurer myself, and a previous participant in a self-injury forum.

I think it's healthy and good of you to be concerned, and I hope you can see and understand that sometimes (while unhealthy) it can be one of the only outlets for depression, anxiety, or whatever else might be troubling someone.

It may have been something of a rare occurrence -- I know I've gone years and years without doing any self-injury behaviour, but then lately with the stress of a new job and many, many personal struggles it has become somewhat of an outlet for me over the past couple of weeks. I don't intent it to happen, really ... sometimes, just -- bam! It happens. It happened.

I've only been able to tell one other person directly that I was engaging in this type of behaviour and perhaps you can understand that for many who engage in self injury it's also a self-shaming sort of thing, private. I'd have to agree with the others who have posted so far -- it's good to let someone know that you're there, but unless you see it progress/continue I also think it's best to leave some space for the person.

[v1fan]

Sorry, not much to offer but if he is a BPD...determine that quickly and if a possibility run like he-hell!!

...And don't look back.

[fallingstar]

Thank you for the advice. I'm not going to say anything just yet. I don't have enough information as it is and we are still building the foundations of our relationship in a romantic sense. I'll wait to the right time, if it comes. I know this would be a huge thing for him to disclose.

v1fan, I really do not think he has BPD. I am very familiar with symptoms/behaviours of BPD, and he doesn't exhibit any of those other than the potential self-harming behaviours.