[psychosylocibin]

So we all know based on the header of this forum that INTJ's achilles heel is relationships, especially relationships with the opposite sex.

It is a huge source of frustration and it seems to be a major source of depression judging by the various threads on this forum.

So why not just give dating the finger, and instead work on everything else in your life and becoming happy being single? No I'm not talking about ... "well I'm happy with myself and being single generally"..but there are times where I am terrible sad I am alone. I am talking a taking it to another level. I am talking about being so damn comfortable with being single by improving yourself that an attractive girl comes by and asks for a date and you go "nah, sorry, happy being single, don't have time, but we can be friends or FWB".

Is it possible? I am sure it takes a bit of optimistic thinking and reprogramming of negative thought patterns but in the end if you re-frame being single as an huge opportunity to hit your goals (and INTJS love that shit) and dating a significant other as a hindrance to those goals then I am sure you can be happy with it - even in the long run.


Anyone do it? Anyone reaping the benefits now?

[Awesome]

It is a solution.

But if you are so damn comfortable being however you be then is there a problem?
What I am getting at I think is can we drop the single part and just be damn comfortable?

In this case does comfort translate to confidence?

[Saggita]

It is. If you are aromantic.

[24601]

Definitely loving it. I get to go on dates and call the shots on exactly how intimate I want to be without worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Trying people on like shoes might sound a little dehumanizing, but I like not having the pressure to jump in bed with someone, or even share my bed or bathroom. No one gets irritated when I look all doe-eyed at someone. Pretty good.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Causa Mortis]

So long as you don't need the validation or the sex, its really very few relationships that are worthwhile.

The benefits are: I eat sleep work play and workout exactly when and how I want to without having to worry about whether or not I'm meeting someone else's needs. I have plenty of time to read, and am churning through abouts 2 books per week. I am in the best shape of my life. I am working on a business idea. I don't have to spend a bunch of money on another person. I am treating others with more kindness. I interact with women wherever and whenever I want to and there's no overly attached girlfriend seething in the background.

My time as a player was about validation and understanding female attraction. Somewhere I lost the need for validation, and the music's gone out of the intellectual aspect of it because its really not that complicated.

I may date again, possibly in the near future, but for the time I am happier than I've ever been and have no real interest. In the future it'll just happen or not happen, and that's ok, and I'll be very quick to walk from poor relationships.

---------- Post added 07-09-2012 at 12:34 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Saggita To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It is. If you are aromantic.

Needing to be in a relationship /= romantic. It signals neediness.

[24601]

	Originally Posted by Causa Mortis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So long as you don't need the validation or the sex, its really very few relationships that are worthwhile.

Single people probably have as much or more sex, or at least more opportunity, than coupled people, in my experience.

[Causa Mortis]

	Originally Posted by 24601 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Single people probably have as much or more sex, or at least more opportunity, than coupled people, in my experience.

When in a relationship I typically have sex at least once per day oftten twice. I don't do that well when single, and I usually have relationships with people I sleep with.

I don't really even want sex right now; I have the physical urge but don't want to bond with another in that way for the time being. And most importantly: I'm profoundly happy right now.

I'm not sure if this is resignation or growth, but don't really care.

[Hobo]

Being single and happy works for me.

I don't plan on getting into any sexual/romantic relations any time soon either.
It's hard work and most of the time it doesn't even work out.

[Kryptonite]

50/50 on this. but if someone came along with a pill that permanently deleted my want or desire for a relationship, I would suck down that pill so fast you would not believe it. So there is that.

[XV44]

I´ve often thought about this. I think it is a solution, I´ve been single for a year and trying to keep this focus in mind. Been excersizing consistently 6 times a week for a full year, am in the best shape I´ve ever been, I read a lot and I´ve completed (written) 2 books. I´ve taken on more jobs and overall I feel great............................................. .. except.......................... from time to time I get this nagging emptiness and reminisce about that final romance. As stated in my other thread I tend to atract and be atracted to addictive/destructive personalities though, so ultimately I don´t regret having walked away.

I am very confident that with enough time, I won´t miss any of it ever again. So yes, I think it will all end up paying dividends in the future. Until then, I just have to keep on moving forward.-

[Resonance]

"Being comfortable" as in accepting the situation as is, or "being comfortable" as in being happy?

A clarification, vis a vis relationships: The first scenario is unhealthy because that implies the subject is forced to accept his or her situation without further attempts for improvement. The second scenario is healthier because it allows for personal growth.

[Mayu]

So far, I enjoyed my single life a lot. I could do anything I like without getting "interrogated" later. I'm spending a lot of time reading, watching tv, playing games, taking up lessons for things unrelated to my job etc. etc. In fact, I'm so occupied with what I'm enthusiastically doing that any kinds of relationships would jeopardize it. Also, not to forget that I often improvise meetups with friends and we would hunt for good food at different places.

[Carot]

Just a thought for all of you on this: What is the end result?

Personally I understand being single very, very well. But do you know what it looks like 5 years from now? 10? When you're 60?

I'm not bashing the concept. But before a person just jumps in the pool, they should know what happens if they don't get out.

Look around your communities, the people who made that choice a long time ago are out there, look to your examples.

I've been single for....well, a long time, and if I could swallow a pill that let me un-make that choice......a heartbeat is too long. I am not the example btw, the examples are out there.

The grass is always greener.

[Lilie]

	Originally Posted by Carot To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm not bashing the concept. But before a person just jumps in the pool, they should know what happens if they don't get out. Look around your communities, the people who made that choice a long time ago are out there, look to your examples.

This is what stopped me from ever trying to get to the point where if an attractive man asked me out I'd say no because being single was soooooooo swell. Even now when I'm still relatively young, being in a relationship is still better than being single. I knew this when I was single, and now that I'm not single I still know it.

Being single is better than being with a wrong person, but is always going to be inferior to being with a right person. If you can't find a right person look at what qualities you are looking for ("must dress sexy for me all the time" for example) and really think about why you want that and what need it's meant to fill.

[zibber]

I'm there. It's quite lovely.

Funny thing is, this is the best state to move into relationships from.

If I don't, I don't. It's win-win.

ommmmmm

[Tactical Panda]

It is a comfortable temporary solution.

I want to be able to enjoy both states, because being attached seems... less easy in some regards.

[Fishism]

	Originally Posted by Lilie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Being single is better than being with a wrong person, but is always going to be inferior to being with a right person. If you can't find a right person look at what qualities you are looking for ("must dress sexy for me all the time" for example) and really think about why you want that and what need it's meant to fill.

I think the bolded is it in a nutshell. Some individuals are simply better at the wait/search for the "right person". As I'm in my 40's and I hang precariously off the edge of my upcoming mid-life crisis, I can say that after being a serial monogamist for the bulk of my adult life, I have experienced better personal growth in the periods where I was unattached. I assume being introverted/thinking is the key to this because "want" is much easier to resist than "need". Yes, there is a best-case scenario in regards to romantic relationships for everyone and I assume what separates one person from the next is what they're willing to settle for in lieu of the best-case scenario.

[jhpark]

I think what bugs me is that I'm scared of approaching women who are already in relationships, even with the knowledge that many (if not most) of these women in relationships are unhappy and would be willing to break off said relationships with little prodding.

[Lilie]

	Originally Posted by jhpark To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think what bugs me is that I'm scared of approaching women who are already in relationships, even with the knowledge that many (if not most) of these women in relationships are unhappy and would be willing to break off said relationships with little prodding.

It's a dick move to approach a woman if you know she is already in a relationship so I'm not sure why that would bug you.

[Zhen]

	Originally Posted by psychosylocibin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So we all know based on the header of this forum that INTJ's achilles heel is relationships, especially relationships with the opposite sex.

hmmm i don't know I think for intj women the achilles heel might be more relationships with the same sex! oh wait you mean like in a romantic sense?
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

	Originally Posted by psychosylocibin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So why not just give dating the finger, and instead work on everything else in your life and becoming happy being single?

this is definitely the way to go. most people i know are so obsessed and one track minded at my age about pair bonding relationships that they are miserable cos their happiness is dependent on having them...

Originally Posted by psychosylocibin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

No I'm not talking about ... "well I'm happy with myself and being single generally"..but there are times where I am terrible sad I am alone. I am talking a taking it to another level. I am talking about being so damn comfortable with being single by improving yourself that an attractive girl comes by and asks for a date and you go "nah, sorry, happy being single, don't have time, but we can be friends or FWB".

I do this. Because I'd rather be single and have my time to myself then bother with substandard non marriage material relationships. It's a good place to be except that nobody ever sticks around to be friends :P

	Is it possible? I am sure it takes a bit of optimistic thinking and reprogramming of negative thought patterns but in the end if you re-frame being single as an huge opportunity to hit your goals (and INTJS love that shit) and dating a significant other as a hindrance to those goals then I am sure you can be happy with it - even in the long run.

I think this is true- my study career goals etc have always made me too busy to tend this aspect of life or have headspace and energy to indulge it and yes it's cos I always perceived them as a hindrance/distraction to me achieving my goals...but I take the view that what will be will be and that everything comes when you're not looking or trying so it's really a very comfortable place to be. Alot of people I know have hit a certain age and then freaked out that they need to settle...this is the worst kind of wrong motivation to get into a partnership with...although when both parties want the same goal eg like having a kid by a certain age and can tolerate the compromise of say so so compatibility in favour of having achieved the goal of having children then it should be okay....not everything is perfect and alot of people I know their greatest fear is to be alone...so they would rather be in something than nothing- it really depends on the individual preference.

	Anyone do it? Anyone reaping the benefits now?

yes? and yes?!!!

[tshanno]

Leave it to a rational to come up with an idea like this--I've been working on this problem for years and you have worded it well. If pressed for a conclusion at this juncture, I would call the sentiment admirable but the practice every bit as fraught with problems and pain as some other course, for--as disheartening and frustrating as it is--we're animals, and I've come to view this type of model--abstinence--as an inferior adaptation.

As for taking a pill to make it all go away? I would inject molten, used kitty-litter if I thought it would kill my need for love, sex, and affection.

[KeepItReal]

I am getting accustomed to this idea, more out of pragmatism than preference.

[Antares]

One of the biggest reasons I'm in a relationship is because I'm horny... Take out the sex we're basically best friends. I actually don't know that anything else separates "best friends" and "couple" aside from "exclusive sex". I commit as much emotionally to my boyfriend as my best friends. I just don't commit sexually to the latter. I've been single pretty much my whole life and I can honestly say now that I'm in a relationship I begin realize that being single is not worse, but I'm comfortable where I am and don't rock boats.

[Reginald X]

Welp, the way I see it, we die alone. Even if you are surrounded by loved ones, you cannot take them with you (and if you did, that would be a fairly dick move). My priority is finding meaning for myself. This is not to say that relationships are superfluous - I owe my friends a lot, and I am sure that there are great things inaccessible to singletons. Seeing and doing amazing things is pretty good, but sharing those things with someone else is value added, I say.

	Originally Posted by tshanno To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	As for taking a pill to make it all go away? I would inject molten, used kitty-litter if I thought it would kill my need for love, sex, and affection.

lol I just saw this. I'm pretty sure it would kill those things, and more even!

[PRBori]

I enjoy having someone, so being single is not for me; however, it was for my mom and so far it has worked for her. The trick, she married her religion instead and does everything by the book. She however understands that I have no desire to follow her path. I need my interaction with another human being. Its healthy and helps me relax, when in a relationship that is.

I might stay single for a few months, but after a while I crave for someones touch And safety net.