[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by ManWithNoName To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Each state has it's own little triggers for being activated

And I would point out that they can indeed be quite little. A small social cue can have big consequences. Hell, even a perceived-but-not-intended cue can have big consequences. In other words, sometimes you might have to ask twice, even though-- frustratingly-- we also dislike repetition. To put it a third way, sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. We aren't always easy to understand, which is why several INTJs plead with the "normals" to be direct and clear with us-- it's the only way to understand us, no matter how great you may be at reading people.

Originally Posted by ManWithNoName To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[A state's own little trigger] generally is only activated when the triggers are met, most of which are situation not stimuli depdendent. Thus if where in a large social gathering we're going to act how we'd normally act in a large social gathering regadless of how our SO is acting and specific stimuli in the situation, which is why I think we dislike public displays of affection and such stuff. It's a mixing of the states. Which feels uncomfortable. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

This explanation gave me one of those "Oh, of course!" moments. You know, when someone explains something in a way that you never thought of, but it makes complete sense the first time you hear it? Those are good moments.

And yes, I can't imagine myself ever making out in public with a significant other. Not because of anything at all related to her or my feelings for her, but simply because make outs are, in my mind, not something that one should do in public. If someone wanted to fight the good fight of convincing me that my opinion on public make-outs is incorrect, they're welcome to do so, but the prognosis is negative on that.

	Originally Posted by ManWithNoName To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Once we enter into a state we generally don't end it until the situation changes and the needs that brought about the state are resolved.

If it weren't for company policy, and to a lesser extent, biological needs, I'd do my 40 hours a week in one continuous batch, and then take a five-day weekend as my standard schedule.

	Originally Posted by Badger To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do not tell me you want to have a social excursion and then ask me what we should do.

In my opinion, asking me what to do, and actually deferring to me on it, means that you waive your right to complain about it. I'm obviously going to try to pick something that you'd enjoy, but if you don't enjoy it, I'll notice, so don't worry about having to do it again. Complaining about something when I'm already aware of its deficiencies is worse than useless.

	Originally Posted by Badger To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you want me to be around a lot of people then YOU ARE VOLUNTEERING TO BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER!! I will be drinking unless you are ok with me standing in a corner just listening and noting where the exits and clocks are.

I don't know if I'd drink much around a lot of strangers, but the same idea applies with me. I'd probably just stand in the corner, though. But don't invite me out with a group of people unless you're willing to have me do that. As a more-than-general rule, the more people there are in a social situation, the less I talk. Why would I talk when there are half a dozen people who are already taking care of the conversation?

To put it simply, don't expect a crowd to be something that would help me "loosen up." I talk 20 times as much in a one-on-one situation.

[LovelyDystopia]

Nowatterwhat I think you are right. I will keep poking at him till he bleeds some emotions... na he's already getting better.
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[Imperator]

This thread's awesome.
I'll add my two pence.

	Originally Posted by Badger To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	3) If you want me to be around a lot of people then YOU ARE VOLUNTEERING TO BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER!! I will be drinking unless you are ok with me standing in a corner just listening and noting where the exits and clocks are.

That one really does depend on the situation.
Around a group of people I know and am comfortable with, I can take or leave drinking.
Going out to a club or with a new group of people (strangers), I definitely would rather be the DD myself and not drink.

	Originally Posted by catzmeow To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If an INTJ is "aloof" to you, it means they're in their default introvert mode contemplating stuff inside their skull.

I'd add that if I'm in "default cerebral mode", I'm probably pretty comfortable in my surroundings.

The drain of social situations for me is in not having the opportunity to drift off and be aloof. At parties I need to "pay attention" so to speak, either due to social convention, or because I'm not in a very relaxed state. Not necessarily uncomfortable, I can enjoy myself at some parties, but it's a different level of enjoyment.

If I drift off with other people around, it's either because they've bored me into a coma, or because they're close enough to me where I feel comfortable in going all "space cadet" on them.

	Originally Posted by catzmeow To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He gets this expression when he's in "work mode" and I just know he's not going to be up for cuddles or paying attention to me, and just needs to be left alone. He's not angry, he's just focused on something else, and it isn't personal.

I have to ask, because I have work mode expressions that come off as "angry" as well.

What does he look like when he's in work mode?

[catzmeow]

Originally Posted by Imperator To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I'd add that if I'm in "default cerebral mode", I'm probably pretty comfortable in my surroundings. The drain of social situations for me is in not having the opportunity to drift off and be aloof. At parties I need to "pay attention" so to speak, either due to social convention, or because I'm not in a very relaxed state. Not necessarily uncomfortable, I can enjoy myself at some parties, but it's a different level of enjoyment. If I drift off with other people around, it's either because they've bored me into a coma, or because they're close enough to me where I feel comfortable in going all "space cadet" on them. I have to ask, because I have work mode expressions that come off as "angry" as well. What does he look like when he's in work mode?

he never looks angry...when he's entertaining himself or in work mode, he just looks kind of "blank"...like Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

When he's "with me" (i.e., mentally focused on me or what we're doing together), though, he gets this particular crinkly softness in his eyes that makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman on the planet and he thinks I am the bomb-diggity-shiznit. That's the best thing ever.

[liningSilver]

After being with my INTJ boyfriend for a number of months, I’ve realised that most of my problems come from me jumping to conclusions about what he feels on the inside.

When he retreats, sometimes I’m cool about it, because I remember he’s an INTJ after all and it’s just characteristic for him. But sometimes I jump to some pretty dramatic feelings that are really funny to me in hindsight like:

1.
He’s retreating = he’s falling out of love with me. Wait, I need to confirm if this is true – ‘Hey... Do you still love me?’. Status check.
He gets annoyed and is all ‘why are you asking? What’s changed?’ (But he says this using his words of course which sounds like this: “*BIG ANNOYED SIGH*”).
My interpretation so far: the status of his feelings depends on the concrete facts around him. If the facts are the same, i.e. I’m still me, he’s still him, then yeah, yes ENFP he still loves you, oh you silly dope yes you can be happy and relieved now. He doesn’t change his mind as much as you seem to. His love is under his skin. Yeah it’s deeper and less bouncy, not as easily exciteable and sporadic as yours, but it’s solid and sensible and he’s not going to stop loving you on whim without ever having reason to.

2.
He’s retreating = I’m boring him, he wants to be somewhere else doing something else rather than be with me! He’s just sitting there staring at that wall and he seems to prefer doing that.
This makes me feel like I have to be better, more exciting, and more useful. Which then makes me think ‘Screw that, I don’t have to be anything different, just be me!’ and then I think ‘Why can’t he just enjoy being me when I’m just me!’ which makes me get mad and think maybe we’re not meant for each other.
He’s probably off contemplating the mechanics of wall-building in zero-gravity, which isn't a place I mind retreating to either when I'm exhausted by the outside world.
Sometimes he has 'angry face' on too like Imperator mentioned, and it makes me feel like I've done something wrong!

3.
He’s retreating = he’s just a cold-hearted bastard who doesn’t even try to compromise with my needs. Why is this all about him, why must I give him free time when he needs it when he doesn’t give me his time when I need it?!
This can’t work in the long term, I’d just be so dissatisfied. When in reality, I’m actually pretty okay with the downtime when I don’t read more into it.

But we don’t realise that we often overexert ourselves to be that way - to be open, warm and friendly. But I definitely need downtime from all that overexertion. My boyfriend and I joke that we have our ratios of outside time and inside time – mine is 3:1 (for every 3 days of socialising, I need min 1 day downtime), his is 1:3 (he is happy to interact with the outside world once every 3 days!)

So the crossover time means that I get 1 day with him, then I fill up 2 days doing other social things, I get one day downtime, then I see him!
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The problem is that for ENFPs, our feelings feel so legitimate, like a really trustworthy source of judgment. Very annoying sometimes. It’s hard to explain to you INTJs really, because when you feel something, you dissect it to bits and aren’t comfortable with it until you understand why it’s there and what to do about it.

[Black Fire]

You shouldn't be worried. Actually, you should be happy to receive a thing like that. It's almost as if you are blessed with his love. Again, don't worry.