[zibber]

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Keep in mind that the DEA says it's a Schedule 1 drug and he operated a vehicle while high on this stuff.

Shit, if I had a buck for every high-as-funk rassler I got in a car with.. (Not that that isn't slightly irresponsible, but it doesn't seem like something to be blown up in that way. Blowing shit up is a recipe for blowing something perfectly fine.)

	Originally Posted by Psychotropic To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She doesn't like his smoking pot. Moderation is unlikely to seal the rift. It is probably better for her to find someone who does not smoke pot and for him to learn to moderate and find someone who is accepting of his pot smoking.

Sorry, I'm a realist.

It is of paramount importance for the two of them to identify the ways in which this habit negatively influences the relationship, in Wilderness' view, acknowledge that, and work with that.

Taking up extreme positions isn't going to help anyone.

[Seriously]

Again she is the one who said it was legal. I'm assuming she knows what she is talking about. You can assume she doesn't if that makes you happy.

As regards her sister I would have told her it wasn't her business.

Here is the deal, she asked for opinions and I gave her mine. You don't have to like it or agree but I'm not discussing it with you because I'm not giving the advise to you so I don't have to justify it.

Cheers!

[reckful]

	Originally Posted by Seriously To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You don't go talking to family about relationship problems unless they are life threatening which this isn't.

That's not my view. First of all, I don't see it as a black and white thing. But second, if it's a significant relationship and the problem is relationship threatening (never mind life threatening), I think it's pretty common for people to consult with their close friends and/or family about those — and particularly for advice on whether they should break up, or what else they might do, just like the OP is doing in this thread — and I don't see that as inappropriate as a general rule.

Certainly some things are sufficiently personal/intimate/whatever that everyone has a reasonable expectation that they won't be discussed with others, but I'd view this kind of addictive-or-close-enough substance use — when it rises to the level of being relationship-threatening — as falling on the side of being fair game for confidential discussions with close friends and/or family.

[AnaK]

In my experience, telling someone they can't do something usually just makes them want to do it more. You guys simply are not on the same page with this and it will probably always be an issue.

[Seriously]

	Originally Posted by Wilderness To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He has the same argument, but I want to know why, if it's so personal, did he treat it so causally and make the CHOICE to be high (noticeably high... I didn't tell her) in front of my sister. He is the one who exposed himself to the consequence my family knowing.

Was it a planned meeting? If so then I would say he might not have realized how much he had smoked. It can effect you differently depending on type, how you use it and if you drink with it.

Did he say why himself?

[catzmeow]

	Originally Posted by Zsych To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It might be simpler if you limited what time of day he can use it as well as have him not use it on the weekends so that he can be closer to you. If he uses it regularly, its part of his emotional equilibrium and getting rid of it would likely have side-effects on how he behaves.

Wouldn't this put her somewhat into a parental role in the relationship? Is this a workable scenario for longterm? I don't think it is.

[Wilderness]

	Originally Posted by Seriously To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Was it a planned meeting? If so then I would say he might not have realized how much he had smoked. It can effect you differently depending on type, how you use it and if you drink with it. Did he say why himself?

Yes, it was a planned meeting. And his words for the reason behind it: "I was being weak and wanted to smoke."

[changos]

	Thoughts on dating a 32 year old INTJ professional with a drug problem?

Just don't. It is easier not reading a bad book that explaining how bad the story went... ending with a crapy finale. Avoid the problems if you can, I don't think you deserve those problems. Good luck.

The question could be: why??? why dating such potential bag of problems...

[Wilderness]

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	In my experience, telling someone they can't do something usually just makes them want to do it more. You guys simply are not on the same page with this and it will probably always be an issue.

I haven't ever told him not to do it, or even played the "please don't smoke now" card (though he definitely wishes I would have before meeting my sister). I've expressed that it affects our relationship negatively, and he agrees. We are both trying to meet in the middle, but I'm on here because a lot of times it feels like I'm the only one doing the traveling.

However, I have to admit that I'm afraid you might be right about it always being an issue.

[Psychotropic]

Originally Posted by Wilderness To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I haven't ever told him not to do it, or even played the "please don't smoke now" card (though he definitely wishes I would have before meeting my sister). I've expressed that it affects our relationship negatively, and he agrees. We are both trying to meet in the middle, but I'm on here because a lot of times it feels like I'm the only one doing the traveling. However, I have to admit that I'm afraid you might be right about it always being an issue.

This gets into what I said earlier when I asked if he had a plan. If you're going to try and meet in the middle the two of you need to set goals and milestones. This allows for the two of you to measure progress and establishes accountability. If you're the only one making progress then he might just be agreeing with you to avoid having to change his own behavior.

If he doesn't really want to change then you have to live with it or leave.

[AnaK]

Originally Posted by Wilderness To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I haven't ever told him not to do it, or even played the "please don't smoke now" card (though he definitely wishes I would have before meeting my sister). I've expressed that it affects our relationship negatively, and he agrees. We are both trying to meet in the middle, but I'm on here because a lot of times it feels like I'm the only one doing the traveling. However, I have to admit that I'm afraid you might be right about it always being an issue.

Does he really agree with you or is he saying he agrees with you to get you off his back and keep you from leaving. If he is a true pothead, and you think smoking any pot at all is bad, that is a lot of distance you each need to travel to meet in the middle.

[Seriously]

	Originally Posted by Wilderness To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, it was a planned meeting. And his words for the reason behind it: "I was being weak and wanted to smoke."

Did he not think she would notice? Or just not care?

If he didn't think she would notice then that would indicate to me he didn't realize how much he smoked, it does happen sometimes. If he didn't care then I would say that would mean to me he didn't mind people knowing. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't mind you discussing your (by that I mean you both as a couple) issue with it. Though he should realize he put in you an ackward spot by his own actions. Which was kind of a dick move.

IMO when you are a couple you deal with your problems together. Once you start going to other people you get a lot of opinions that are only seeing a small part of who you both are, you know? And lets face it your friends and family are going to be a wee bit biased and protective of you...not necessarily a bad thing but it does make it hard for them to be objective. Same here, people only see your side of the story so then you have people on here telling you to dump him but the reality is it's not that simple. No one here knows your relationship but you. How much you have invested and what you are and aren't willing to compromise on and other things you both bring to the table outside of this issue.

If this really is a deal breaker for you then I would suggest you sit him down and have a long talk with him about it. Let him know how you feel and that if he doesn't think he can moderate his habit then it's not going to work. But you need to be willing to actually follow through. And you need to be aware that he will probably fall off the moderate wagon a few times cause habits are hard to break. Will you be ok with dealing with that? Are you sure this is what you want and is it worth the effort?

You seem like a really nice and sincere person I hope whatever choice you make it works out well for you.
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[Lilie]

	Originally Posted by Seriously To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Again she is the one who said it was legal. I'm assuming she knows what she is talking about. You can assume she doesn't if that makes you happy.

She said it was "legal" and that he thinks it is legal. To me that indicates she doesn't believe it's legal.

After reading the last three pages I'm going with run run run run. Controlling behavior, blaming the OP for his behavior ("why didn't you tell me not to smoke before meeting your sister?" tcht!), blatant addiction, plus signs of a psychotic break on the horizon.

Seem to be a lot of pot smokers in the thread who either don't believe it's possible to be addicted to pot or don't find it blindingly obvious that OP's boyfriend is an addict and insist on saying things like "a joint now and then isn't a big deal". Maybe, but it sounds like if this guy is awake, he's high. If he was drunk all the time, would there be people saying stupid shit like "a drink now and then isn't a big deal"? Somehow I doubt it. It might be true, but it's completely irrelevant in this case.

[zibber]

Well - I'm just gonna reiterate my most important point and get the fuck out of this thread. If you're reading this, good luck.

It is of paramount importance for the two of you to identify the ways in which this habit negatively influences your relationship, in your experience, acknowledge that, and work that shit out.

[frontaLobotomy]

If his blazing is having a negative effect on you, and your relationship, then it's time to talk it through. Judging by the thread, this method has been tried, and it failed. Why are you sticking around, is the sex that good?

If he wants to continue smoking pot/fake pot til those dormant psychoses come fully to the service (and they will) then that's his business. By staying in the relationship you're enabling his behaviour. Accept that you can't fix him, and move on. It's that, or you're going to come home one day to a smashed up house, with him mumbling paranoid jibberish in the middle of it all.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by Wilderness To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Thanks again everyone for your feedback! As for the troubling issue of what changed between the first two months and after... I accept full responsibility for that, but he is also able to see my side too. It might be helpful to mention that in the first two months we weren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend, so our intimacy expectations for the relationship weren't the same as they are now. I brought up my issue with his smoking as soon as he started again after becoming boyfriend/girlfriend and we have been working through it ever since. The first time I brought it up, he was able to admit that he was "on the cusp of a problem" and told me that he wasn't happy with his current usage habits and wanted to refine them. I have tried to be supportive since, but sometimes don't know how to be. I work hard not to withdraw intimacy and always try to show him that I love him, even (or especially!) if he has smoked at a time that is not appropriate. But at the same time, I have to think about my own emotional needs, which are not met when he is high. He is fully able to admit that he basically can't resist smoking when the drug is around. He is also able to admit that he smokes at times that aren't appropriate for our relationship or his work. He furthermore able to admit that he made a huge mistake a few weeks ago by driving while he was freshly high and totally incoherent. I mention this to show that the concern over his smoking is not totally external or undeserved. As for his idea of a an ideal partner and relationship? At one point he actually told me that he is glad that I feel the way I do about his smoking. It's hard for him to confront reality, but he knows that my concerns come from a place of love. He has repeatedly told me that I am the best girlfriend he has ever had and that this is the healthiest relationship he has ever had, so even if we are struggling through this one issue, it's not like I am some negative presence in his life. We have *a* relationship problem, a serious one at that, but I am asking for advice because I believe there is a chance that we can work through it, and that this is a relationship that is worth trying for.

What I am hearing is that he is thinking about him. You're thinking about him and denying your own instinct or natural way of being. No one is thinking about you.

Issue aside these relationships are incredibly vulnerable and one sided. You develop a pattern. This issue is probably intense for your relationship, and even if it is solved, chances are he will continue to seek your unconditional dedication later. It can be addicting to know you have such a dedicated love, and he obviously has an addictive personality (pot is an emotional/mental addiction).

Please be careful. This is how abusive one sided relationships start.

[ppu6502]

^ the slippery slope of codependency.

[Causa Mortis]

Originally Posted by Wilderness To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

(Be warned... this is long, especially because it was therapeutic for me to write.) So here's the situation... I've been dating a great guy for about 5 months now (note my absence from the forum) and we've found ourselves in a difficult situation. When we originally met, we were only going to be in a relationship for 2 months due to the fact that he would be moving away for work. At that time he was smoking a lot of "legal" synthetic cannabinoid, which kind of bothered me, but I figured that the relationship was just two months, so just enjoy it. Well, we started to love each other and it just so happened that his job was taking him somewhere I had a job opportunity, so we made the decision to enter into a long term relationship. At the time we made this decision, he had moved and wasn't smoking. In fact, he was excited about quitting smoking. (Now might be a good time to mention the fact that he was a pothead in high school, but joined the Navy and didn't smoke for 13 years. And then went back to it like a high school student To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ). I would have brought up this issue before we entered into our long term relationship if he had been smoking, but unfortunately I was too naive to understand the nature of the beast. As you've by now guessed, he started smoking again, and it's a problem. It's a problem in our relationship because it gets in the way of emotional intimacy and he's just not present with me when he is smoking. It's a problem because he'll smoke when he is supposed to be working (he's a sales rep who works from home) or he'll work and smoke. It's a problem because when it's around he simply can't not smoke. And it's an even bigger problem because he is having trouble admitting that it is a problem and addressing it. He makes a lot of justifications for it... "this is how you met me, it's "legal", it's no big deal, we wouldn't have cannabinoid receptors in our brain for nothing." He has even tried to make it a class issue where somehow my unhappiness with it stems from being from a higher SES class. In reality, I don't care what substance it is, or if it's legal or how I was raised... it's affecting his life and our relationship negatively. I'm actually all for legalizing weed, but just because something is legal doesn't mean that it's not going to be a problem for some people. No doubt he is embarrassed and ashamed of this. He became extremely upset when I told him that I talked to my parents about this issue. But the only reason I had to talk to them about it is because my sister noticed he was high when he met her, and she mentioned it to them. I wonder why, if he is so concerned about the privacy of this issue, did he make the choice to meet my sister while high. (?) Oh... and here comes the scariest thing to me. Recently while high he has had two episodes of... well, the first he thinks was some kind of spiritual possession (and got extremely upset when I suggested it was the drugs), and the second he was writing all sorts of gibberish. After the second he admitted to me that his grandmother was schizophrenic, and that he was worried that he might be too. There are some studies that show a correlation between smoking pot and developing schizophrenia, and others studies which show smoking pot can worsen schizophrenia symptoms. So, that's a really big, scary problem. I definitely want him to see a psychiatrist and get diagnosed, and I think if he were diagnosed with schizophrenia, I'd have to ask for a zero-tolerance policy with the drugs. If it weren't such an otherwise great relationship (extreme compatibility on many levels, commitment to creating a healthy relationship from both parties) I would probably already be out. But I really want to see this succeed. I don't necessarily know if we could spend the rest of our lives together, but it's on the table. So... any advice or thoughts? (And if you got to the end, thanks for reading!)

So there's a sexual connection, there's an emotional connection, and then there's a life-partner connection.

A drug problem tells you what about a person:

1. Weak boundaries
2. Weak character
3. Weak impulse control
4. Weak willingness to ask for help
5. In light of the above, probably consistent dishonesty.
6. In light of the above, probably will cheat if given the desire and opportunity.
7. Finances are probably a wreck or not as good as they should be.

I don't give a fuck if the person is great in bed and if there's a fantastic connection, if they have a drug problem then dump their ass to the curb ASAP, because either the drugs or the emotional issues that are driving the drug problem *WILL* fuck up your life.

---------- Post added 06-19-2012 at 09:40 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	In my experience, telling someone they can't do something usually just makes them want to do it more. You guys simply are not on the same page with this and it will probably always be an issue.

Right and right. Which is why she should dump his ass now.

[catzmeow]

Originally Posted by Causa Mortis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

So there's a sexual connection, there's an emotional connection, and then there's a life-partner connection. A drug problem tells you what about a person: 1. Weak boundaries 2. Weak character 3. Weak impulse control 4. Weak willingness to ask for help 5. In light of the above, probably consistent dishonesty. 6. In light of the above, probably will cheat if given the desire and opportunity. 7. Finances are probably a wreck or not as good as they should be. I don't give a fuck if the person is great in bed and if there's a fantastic connection, if they have a drug problem then dump their ass to the curb ASAP, because either the drugs or the emotional issues that are driving the drug problem *WILL* fuck up your life. ---------- Post added 06-19-2012 at 09:40 PM ---------- Right and right. Which is why she should dump his ass now.

I have to agree with this. Wilderness, it sounds clear that you do not want to date someone who regularly uses substances, whether illegal or legal, that make it difficult for you to connect with them emotionally, that risk their employment prospects, and which might compromise your professional goals.

Based upon these things, I think you should cut bait. It doesn't matter how compatible you are in other ways, using spice or mj is a priority to your partner, which conflicts with your priorities. He does not appear willing to give it up, thus, you are likely incompatible in the long run.

Once you identify a major incompatibility such as this one, it's best to pull the plug. These types of incompatibilities don't resolve themselves and generally get worse over time. The longer you stay, the more detrimental and painful this will become.

His priority is using this substance, regardless of your feelings about it. It doesn't matter if he's an addict, and your physical and emotional connections don't outweigh the fact that he cares more about getting high than he cares about maintaining your relationship and his life.

It is what it is.

That's a good sign that it isn't solvable, at least by you.

[Indubitably]

Weed isn't a chemically addictive substance, if he has developed a dependence on it he is probably using it as a way to avoid facing something that seriously freaks him the fuck out. Find out what it is, and you will find the real problem with your relationship. My guess, is that he's self medicating. This is probably not the first sign of mental instibility that he has noticed, and the weed may somehow be mitigating his symptoms rather than causing them. Either that or he is just freaked out by the possibility that he might be going crazy and using weed to calm himself down.

[catzmeow]

Originally Posted by Indubitably To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Weed isn't a chemically addictive substance, if he has developed a dependence on it he is probably using it as a way to avoid facing something that seriously freaks him the fuck out. Find out what it is, and you will find the real problem with your relationship. My guess, is that he's self medicating. This is probably not the first sign of mental instibility that he has noticed, and the weed may somehow be mitigating his symptoms rather than causing them. Either that or he is just freaked out by the possibility that he might be going crazy and using weed to calm himself down.

Dude. She's his girlfriend, not his therapist.

A guy who can't handle his emotions or circumstances without self-medicating isn't emotionally ready for a relationship. He needs to work through his issues, then maybe he can date.

She needs to save herself, because after five months, it damn sure isn't her job to save him (nor is this ever an effective strategy).

[The Dan Keizer]

Normally I cut dudes that smoke weed a break but if he's such a fucking inept pothead that he has to buy the legal synthetic shit which turns your brain into a potato because he can't find a hookup for the real shit, the guy is a fucking waste of oxygen (and whatever else he inhales) and you should probably dump him.

You sound like you don't have much experience with "drug addicts" and whatever lucky lady this guy settles down with needs to be a pro when it comes to dealing with shitbags.

[Indubitably]

	Originally Posted by catzmeow To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Dude. She's his girlfriend, not his therapist. A guy who can't handle his emotions or circumstances without self-medicating isn't emotionally ready for a relationship. He needs to work through his issues, then maybe he can date. She needs to save herself, because after five months, it damn sure isn't her job to save him (nor is this ever an effective strategy).

Well, either she's going to stay with him or she isn't, and its not really any of my business to tell her that she necessarily must do either one. She is an INTJ after all, once the facts have made themselves evident she will make her own decision, and once she has made her own decision there isn't going to be a whole lot that she is going to let stand in her way.

From the looks of things she is here because she seems to feel like she doesn't have justification for leaving him, and wants someone to convince her that the conclusions she has jumped to are a good enough substitute. No amount of conjecture is going to give her the justification she needs in order to tell herself that "there was no other way" though, and if she really loves this guy that's exactly what she is going to need in order to leave him.

Maybe she digs a little farther and finds out that without the weed he's fine and gives him an ultimatum, or maybe she digs a little further and finds out that without the weed he's a total whack job and decides to hit the road right then and there, or maybe she digs a little further and decides to stick with it for some reason. Either way she already has more than enough in the way of summary judgement, an indictment of her boyfriend for being bad news might make her feel better in the short run, but what she needs is a reasonable hypothesis that she can test and evidence that her suspicions are correct.

[Nazareth]

If I were you I would definitly try to give him a time limit like someone said and in the meantime try to broaden his horizons a bit, try going out with him to a nice restaraunt, museum or even a club, to get his mind off of the canibiloid? I too am addicted somewhat but that is to cigarettes, I had experiences wit weed but I really can't smoke with people I don't feel comfortable with, it makes me flip out. Anyway, if all else fails try smoking with him once a week and see if you like it or not, if not then give him an ultimatum and look for something else.

[oddi]

Dump him! I tried "saving" my ex husband for 7 yrs. Stop trying to be a hero. I guarantee he will choose weed over you and justify it by making you look like the controlling biatch. Move on