[Minerva]

Has anyone developed romantic feelings for a person who was different from who you thought you would fall for/wanted (and decided to date/learn more about this person anyway)?

The last part was put in brackets because I want to hear your take on things regardless of whether you dated the person of interest or not. Please do clarify which category pertains to you.

If so:

1. What attracted you to this person?
   
2. How did you deal with the attraction? I would think that many would try to negate these emotions.
   
3. Did telling yourself that you shouldn't be attracted to this person work?
   
4. Were you attracted to them in spite of them embodying your one or a few of your deal breakers? If so, why make the exception this time?
   
5. Did your "list of traits desired in a SO" evolve after this experience?
   
6. What does it signal about you when your mental desires is in opposition to your IRL fascination or fondness.
   
7. After having this experience how did it affect your chances of doing it again? Thought of it as an unrepeatable mistake?

Stories and outcomes welcomed!

EDIT:
Mieu's response made me add more details:

	Originally Posted by mieu To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I fell for a few of the wrong people before I found the right one, isn't that just the nature of things? The process of getting to know someone by dating them should tell you, sooner or later, whether or not they're wrong or right for you.

Yes, it is the nature of things, the normal route dating takes. Maybe my questions were not clear enough because I wasn't asking this.

Most people have a list of attributes which they think their potential SO should conform to. I am asking about the occasions when someone didn't conform to "the list" but you were attracted to them anyway.

Example: For many, an interesting person being overweight or being a smoker etc are deal breakers. Did you date/was attracted to someone in spite of them possessing deal breakers?

[Marcus Septim]

Whos YOUR wrong person Minerva? And what does he do for a living? Mob muscle?

[koakuma]

No, I have a good idea of what I want and I won't deviate. And I have him.

[mieu]

I fell for a few of the wrong people before I found the right one, isn't that just the nature of things? The process of getting to know someone by dating them should tell you, sooner or later, whether or not they're wrong or right for you.

[Lilie]

	Originally Posted by Minerva To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Has anyone developed romantic feelings for a person who was different from who you thought you would fall for/wanted (and decided to date/learn more about this person anyway)?

Kind of, not really. Physically different than I expected, but I think this thread isn't about that.

I fell for a few wrong people which is what led me to having such a rigid list of requirements, but I didn't have the list at the time so I didn't know I should try to talk myself out of it.

I didn't vote in the poll because my option isn't there "I don't know what I'd do because it's never happened".

[Shoshana]

I surprise myself in that I have remarkably good sense about men. My main priority is their character and warmth factor (because I know I need warmth). I've started to see a pattern emerge of who I take really, really, really seriously in the romance department: highly structured, accomplished, brainy, strong empaths who are good at reading people (strong feelers).

I've occasionally lowered my standards and gone for the completely wrong guy. Not sort of wrong, completely wrong. It never lasts long and it never goes deep. I don't have scars.

[Minerva]

	Originally Posted by mieu To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I fell for a few of the wrong people before I found the right one, isn't that just the nature of things? The process of getting to know someone by dating them should tell you, sooner or later, whether or not they're wrong or right for you.

Yes, it is the nature of things, the normal route dating takes. Maybe my questions were not clear enough because I wasn't asking this.

Most people have a list of attributes which they think their potential SO should conform to. I am asking about the occasions when someone didn't conform to "the list" but you were attracted to them anyway.

Example: For many, an interesting person being overweight or being a smoker etc are deal breakers. Did you date/was attracted to someone in spite of them possessing deal breakers?

	Originally Posted by Marcus Septim To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Whos YOUR wrong person Minerva? And what does he do for a living? Mob muscle?

Well Mob Muscle would qualify as "wrong" for me, but so too are werewolves. So damn hairy! A nice, clean shaven vampire, on the other hand, makes the cut.

Honestly, I haven't been attracted to anyone who didn't conform to my list, but my list seems to be much more flexible than other lists I have seen.

---------- Post added 06-03-2012 at 10:26 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Lilie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Kind of, not really. Physically different than I expected, but I think this thread isn't about that.

No, it could be. Physical appearance is a deal breaker for many. You don't need to think that this is too shallow a characteristic to not be considered, if you do.

	I fell for a few wrong people which is what led me to having such a rigid list of requirements, but I didn't have the list at the time so I didn't know I should try to talk myself out of it. I didn't vote in the poll because my option isn't there "I don't know what I'd do because it's never happened".

Yes, this should have been an option. Opps! I guess in this case people will have to do a thought experiment.

[Lilie]

	Originally Posted by Minerva To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No, it could be. Physical appearance is a deal breaker for many. You don't need to think that this is too shallow a characteristic to not be considered, if you do.

I've definitely got physical things that are dealbreakers, but in this case it wasn't something that was on the list, just something I had never been attracted to before.

Oh, I dated a smoker before. But I told him I couldn't date a smoker and until he quit we could only be friends. He quit, or at least said he did. I have my doubts about that, but I never caught him. Now when I find out that an attractive person smokes, I can almost feel the switch flipping in my mind to turn the attraction off. That was just from one bad experience though, pure mental association... I think.

[Causa Mortis]

	Originally Posted by Minerva To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What attracted you to this person?

1. Extroversion, fun loving, free spirited, passionate and sexual.
   
   

   	How did you deal with the attraction? I would think that many would try to negate these emotions.

   I pursued her despite a number of issues that I would normally consider "deal breakers"
   
   

   	Did telling yourself that you shouldn't be attracted to this person work?

   No.
   
   

   	Were you attracted to them in spite of them embodying your one or a few of your deal breakers? If so, why make the exception this time?

   She was exceptionally hot, exceptionally fun, and we had a unique connection.
   
   

   	Did your "list of traits desired in a SO" evolve after this experience?

   To a certain extent. I want a lot of what she had to offer - the fun loving, wild nature - and reiterated that I also need someone drug free and with better boundaries.
   
   

   	What does it signal about you when your mental desires is in opposition to your IRL fascination or fondness.

   I'm not sure about this one. Mostly that I think you should keep looking - the good ones don't make your head and your heart go in opposite directions. I've had ones where I really *should* have liked them (ie my ex, who was and is impossibly sweet but for whom I feel absolutely nothing), ones where my heart was in it but my head was not (ie the girl referenced in this post) and the girl I probably should have married whom I dated in college (for whom neither my head nor my heart ever objected)
   
   

   	After having this experience how did it affect your chances of doing it again? Thought of it as an unrepeatable mistake?

	Stories and outcomes welcomed!

I do not list it as an unrepeatable mistake. On the contrary, a lot of what she had to offer - passion, extroversion, spontaniety, kindness - were precisely what I needed.

Unfortunately drug use, dishonesty, and an...um...need for a lot of attention all became apparent within 30 days of becoming exclusive with her. She hid 2/3 of these prior to becoming exclusive (I understood her need for attention and played it, to be honest). I should have walked at that point, but the sex was amazing and I had dropped all all the other ones I was seeing, and candidly I was too emotionally invested at that stage. These probably rightfully generated a ton of trust issues on my end, and the relationship itself was pure hell.

That said, I do not regret it; it brought me a lot of joy for a time, and the pain isn't that bad today.

[ZerroDefex]

Where's the "Yes and I will never do that again" option?

[overthought]

What attracted you to this person? She was smart, opinionated and a brunette.
How did you deal with the attraction? Pursued her.
Did telling yourself that you shouldn't be attracted to this person work? No
Were you attracted to them in spite of them embodying your one or a few of your deal breakers? Yes.
If so, why make the exception this time? Because she was extremely intelligent and I rarely had anyone that smart to talk to.
Did your "list of traits desired in a SO" evolve after this experience? Yes
What does it signal about you when your mental desires is in opposition to your IRL fascination or fondness. That I'm have some internal conflict, like most people.
After having this experience how did it affect your chances of doing it again? I just screen more for emotional maturity.
Thought of it as an unrepeatable mistake? No

[curiousgeorge01]

Originally Posted by Causa Mortis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I do not list it as an unrepeatable mistake. On the contrary, a lot of what she had to offer - passion, extroversion, spontaniety, kindness - were precisely what I needed. Unfortunately drug use, dishonesty, and an...um...need for a lot of attention all became apparent within 30 days of becoming exclusive with her. She hid 2/3 of these prior to becoming exclusive (I understood her need for attention and played it, to be honest).

Seems like everything has a price. I had a similar short term fling with an older woman who was very attractive for her age. A lot of guys wooing her gave me that "whys she with that young guy look." Too much late night parting for my tastes and her freedom also meant an unstable lifestyle for me.

[John F Kennedy]

	Originally Posted by ZerroDefex To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Where's the "Yes and I will never do that again" option?

I didn't vote because that choice was lacking.

I think that perhaps going for the wrong person is a function of neurosis, or stems from an unhealthy part of your life/personality. It makes you lose a lot of time and can complicate things very tragically.

[Booko]

Oh, I went out with plenty of men I knew I would not be remotely interested in marrying, but they were generally not serious either about relationships. It was more having common interests of various sorts.

The only man I had serious interest in I've been married to for, hm, a few weeks away from 27 years now.

Then again, it's not like I ever actually expected to marry anyone before I met him, so I wasn't thinking in terms of falling for anyone. I expected to stay single and childless during my lifetime, and I was ok with that.

[Distance]

Right or wrong no longer factor into this equation and neither do lists of attributes, at least for myself. Relationships aren't key to my existence so preservation of such is less important than happiness and contentment.

If we're no longer walking in tandem, then it's time to split. Fear of loss and security have become irrelevant not because of a lack of valuation but because it's okay to part.

Flipping perspectives, everyone I've dated or had relationships with, have been 'wrong' for me, pertaining to the 'happily ever after' concept.
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Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy and learn something from each experience. What it taught me is that I'm a serial monogamist.

[WoodsWoman]

I know I was headed down a very toxic road with TOG. I'm grateful that I got away from that situation. Min, you know my story.

[Haven]

As an intj woman it's easy to attract the "wrong" type of men since are public self is not the same as our private self. For instance, in public I could be perceived as an XSFJ.

[changos]

I dated a lot, I thought that would never happen but it did.
I learned a lot, specially to trust what I believe in and get (read from people)
Over the years I also learned that the little things sometimes we let in become a big problem.
Tricky but we must be practical when we choose, it saves a lot of tears.
So, I've been tempted, but no, I don't fall for the wrong one.


BUT, **wrong** person could be just a perception. I mean: what we WANT is not precisely what we NEED.

[SeverusSin]

In my case I'm a man so I was attracted to a girl, knew she wouldn't be long term, developed feelings for her despite the dealbreaker, never progressed to relationship, kept it logically within the "friends with benefits" status and then it eventually broke down all by itself.

Suffice to say, if I know something isn't going to work out, I know it isn't going to work out. Doesn't mean I don't want the experience, it was a good for character development and growing going forward. People are way too attached to these supposed outcomes, as if every relationship or interaction is THE interaction to end all interations.

There are no wrong and right people, there's only your thoughts and ideas of what you would like and what you actually do like. The whole idea of right and wrong person comes from people not matching your list of ideals. That's just the same with ANYTHING in life, it depends how rooted in reality your ideals actually are. For me especially, standards aren't lower or higher, theyre just different as people are simply different, not higher or lower. I have things I consider more desirable in terms of personality traits but fundamentally a persons personality cannot be "wrong", only a personal preference otherwise. Everyone has their own dilemma between what they actually are attracted to by their experience, and what they have trained themselves to believe is desirable in their mind, thats the crux of the argument really.

[psychosylocibin]

back in august, I started to date a giggly/fun/spontaneous/social butterfly party ENFP girl. She was a first night hook-up and came across as a little vain, naive, bouncing off the walls, and a little spoiled. Also, I thought she was a little "loose" based on the fact that she was so willing to sleep with me within 3 hours of meeting me. I was VERY wary. Against what I thought was my better judgment at the time - we start dating.



What attracted you to this person?

Initially, she was dead center my physical type. I have a penchant for cuter/adorable girls versus hot girls and she was adorable/cute as they come - both in personality and looks. She also had an "edge" to her. she was the first time I had sex on the first night with a girl and she demanded it...I found that very attractive for some odd reason. She was very youthful and full of energy. Very expressive.Very complementary to my INTJ deaths stare personality. Even though she was not very textbook intelligent, she had this insane sense of picking on peoples' emotional states and learning how to comfort people. She was literally the first girl that was able to bring me out of my shell. That was VERY valuable to me.

How did you deal with the attraction? I would think that many would try to negate these emotions.

It was sort of a tough call, I know I could of had her as a casual sex buddy, and was wary of developing feelings for her because she seemed so fickle and because she was a bubbly party girl. I ignored it at times and thought she was out partying being with other guys or had several guys on the side (again mainly because she had so many male friends and she slept with me so soon). however, there were parts about her that were amazing and I just had to give it a chance. After reading an article about how fear prevents us from taking risks and growing as a person, I decided to take the leap. turned out 80% of the guys she was friends with were gays anyways.

Did telling yourself that you shouldn't be attracted to this person work?

No, because the very fact that I had to tell myself I wasnt attractet all the time was an indication that I was attracted.

Were you attracted to them in spite of them embodying your one or a few of your deal breakers? If so, why make the exception this time?

Yes. I made an exception because I felt like not taking risks was holding me back in life.

Did your "list of traits desired in a SO" evolve after this experience?

YES. definetly! Before I was a very judgemental prick that weeded out woman based on things I predetermined on paper. I am still judgemental, but I am willing to widen the gamut of women I will be willing to see. She turned out in a lot of ways to be the complete opposite of what I thought she would be. (I thought she would be dishonest/selfish/cheating based on her fickle personality). After that experience, I know I want a women that is complementary to my serious personality traits and someone who is very sociable and has a good sense of people. I would say my "list of traits" shrunk immensely after that experience because I am less judgmental now.

What does it signal about you when your mental desires is in opposition to your IRL fascination or fondness.

I would say that it is probably because I am battling my biologial attraction (youthful woman who I could see as good mothers) versus my logical attraction (smart/educated/intelligent). Wtih her I did not see her as very intelligent at first and she had a little maturing to do in long terms areas, however her youthful look just struck a chord in me and I could not help it. It

After having this experience how did it affect your chances of doing it again? Thought of it as an unrepeatable mistake?

No, I did not think of it a mistake at all. The only mistake I made was assuming so much about a person before really really knowing them. She blew me away in the end.

[Crazyblue]

Your poll options are not really specific enough. My answer to the overall question is yes, but I realized that it was because I had imagined them to be different in my mind. After a longer period of knowing these individuals I realized that I was not interested in having a relationship with them.

[Zsych]

Option 6: Knew it was a horrible idea and my emotions made me do it anyway x2
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[Wry Satyr]

	Originally Posted by Zsych To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Option 6: Knew it was a horrible idea and my emotions made me do it anyway x2 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I've had similar experiences where I felt compelled by the energy between myself and the woman to proceed despite there being some serious deal-breakers in key areas.

[Autoptic]

1. Varies. Retinal searing manic pixie dream girls have actually appeared, even intentionally in my face...for awhile back there. Nature abhors them, but they can exist for short periods especially about the teens. Probably already fucked uped though, which tends to explain the quasi-superhuman qualities.
2. Endured as always, compressing it into the ball of frustration, sorrow, and hatred that's come to fuel my primary reactor core for most of my existence. In a roundabout way, it's why I still exist. Little masochism, little hope, which cycles nicely...
3. No, it's not a choice, and I was never indoctrinated with the notion that it was, so I don't tell myself such nonsense non-sardonically.
4. Exception? I'm not aware of being attracted to anyone that didn't ultimately posses a dealbreaker. Most possess obvious dealbreakers, so it's normal.
5. Not exactly. At this point, I'm imagining any love life I may ever have, if I ever have one, is just going to be a series of increasingly fucked up wrecks leading up to an early death, assuming I don't ultimately regard this as too late already, which is also becoming likely.
6. Life's a bitch, and then you die. Nature only "cares" about genetic transmission.
7. See last and 3rd points.

[PRBori]

Seems to be an issue of mine, which has made my list of must have a whole lot bigger, plus I have a few other complications to add which makes looking for a mate 1000x harder than normal.
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Lately I am just thinking is not even worth looking for someone, cause my life is complicated and who wants a complicated person?

In any event, the way I see it is that the more a good person gets hurt, the more that person shields away from allowing others to enter.

My crush is a good example of a "wrong" choice. He is handsome as hell, he is highly intelligent, he has shown attraction thru his eyes since dec 2011, and I felt attracted, then after breaking up with my ex-SO he ran into my life, literally, and I caved to him to then find out he is wrong for me for many reasons I cannot discuss. The issue is, I only knew pieces of his life, only the ones he chose to provide, but as things continue, the pieces got a bit out of hand. Lets just say, had I've known the pieces he kept to himself for the past few months prior to caving in, I would have cross him out.

But what the hell, I had a good time, I was introduced to things I never knew off before or that I avoided dearly, and I got to be with a hot tamale. So on that aspect, I do not regret it, but there are other aspects of it I do regret. In any event, life goes on.