[intangible]

My INTJ went through some tough times that made him rather guarded emotionally and mentally. He asked that we take a break, just for two or three weeks so he can be sure that his love for me doesn't root from stress. Is this healthy? He's telling me that he loves me, and that this time isn't because of my doing, or because he needs anyone else. He just wants to get his head in the right direction. He realizes he's done some injustice to me in the worst way and feels the need to make up for it. He wants to take a break from the relationship but still wants to keep normal communication as if nothing happened. Is this normal? I'm not sure what to do about this.

[otiliaion]

INFP opinion here: I think something is wrong. My INTJ boyfriend insists on seeing each other daily, and days when we fight/don't get along that well are no exception. He mentions a break only when we're really going nowhere in a fight but usually we make up and the idea goes away as quickly as it came.

You say he's done some injustice to you in the worst way? This doesn't sound good.

I think that if he wants to make it up to you he should develop a plan with actions to make things better today and the day after and so on. Not push you away.

[anticlimatic]

Something is wrong, but don't panic-- it might not be that serious, and it might not even be you at all. You might be asking for too much of his attention. INFPs seem to be more comfortable with being attached at the hip than any other type, INTJs not so much-- though they do try. While neither approach is wrong, they do warrant some conflict and (hopefully) compromise. If he's struggled to keep up with you, his reserve batteries of mental-energy might have been strained and depleted to the point of requiring a breakaway. If you learn from it, you could very likely avoid it happening again.

Most likely, whatever "trauma" he's been through recently is the cause of why he needs some major time to invest inside-- rather than outside, tending to your needs. Selfish, but necessary, and as much as you might want to help, as a guy, he'll have to do a certain portion of it on his own.

I think the only danger to your relationship at this point is yourself, and how you react to this. Tread cautiously, and thoughtfully. Do not counter his "pulling away" by trying to glom on all the harder-- it might create an explosive situation.

[SwedenF]

Speaking from a personal ground, I would be worried. Breaks do not work. Whenever a guy has asked for space, it's been a break up they didn't want to admit to themselves yet. Not to mention that I personally can't solve issues when apart from person, all it'll do is make me grow distant and venture away from the relationship.

I absolutely recommend time apart on occasion, to confirm that you miss the person, but it only works if things are alright, which they don't seem to be.

Though, please don't take this as anything but an observation. Each relationship and individual is different, perhaps for your guy a break is actually a positive thing. No way to know from an outsiders view. Only thing I can think of is to talk to him about these concerns.

[LifesEcstasy]

There is no such thing as a break in a relationship. There is either a relationship or there isn't. What he is really saying is please stand by while I go off and do my own thing and be here when and if I decide I want to come back. You need to decide whether that is something you want to do or not. Personally I wouldn't take that deal. I'd rephrase it and say, Hey you're right lets call it off for now and maybe it'll come back together another time. At least that way you are not hanging like a puppet on a string waiting for a return that very likely will not happen. He needs to understand that he is either with you or not, no halfway measures.

[intangible]

He dealt with things in an unhealthy way. I think all of this started after his parents' divorce, which he may or may not have unresolved feelings for. When he finds himself to be guilty or feel disappointed in himself (in this case, for being a bad boyfriend) - he'd find other measures to find happiness, instead of dealing with those problems head-on. He started seeing his friends more often than I did, dedicating something like 3-4 hours a week to me. He felt emotionally invested, and he wanted to be committed, but he was so guarded that he just couldn't as hard as he tried.

From what he told me, eventually there came a breaking point where he realized he actually loved me, and feels selfish, more disappointed in himself for not giving me his all. So he told me he needed some time alone, not because of me, not to see other people, but just some time alone to sort out his thoughts and tumble his walls down, really analyzing the way he feels about me.

He promised he would return, he promised he'd make things right, and when it's time, he told me everything would go smoothly. He told me he loved me with everything he had, and actually ugly cried with a runny nose and everything (lol) and I cried a bit too.

As an INFP, it was strange to me how he suddenly became so emotional, and I so emotionless. I was less hurt by the premise of the break, and was more concerned with its terms. He said he wasn't going to sleep with anyone, or date, but he just needed a little space to understand and sort through his feelings.

I wish I weren't worried. I don't doubt he's going to come back, but I'm more concerned with the return of his behaviors (seeing his friends way more often, even ignoring me for hours at a time) When we were together, he would even venture to find people that seemed to have a lot of fun and try to associate with them. Obviously it bothered me, because I wasn't comfortable with my boyfriend chasing other people for fun. I felt like I wasn't a priority and, even for that split second, he wanted to be someone else's friend than he wanted to be my boyfriend.

---------- Post added 05-15-2012 at 12:46 PM ----------

I should also mention he is becoming a little suffocating, just a little. He's starting to throw more communication at me than I can handle, and I kind of want to ignore him a little. Why does he ask for space, to only try to talk more to me?

[mieu]

So has he told you what he plans to do in the next 2 to 3 weeks to 'test' whether or not his love for you was out of stress or not?

[intangible]

	Originally Posted by mieu To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So has he told you what he plans to do in the next 2 to 3 weeks to 'test' whether or not his love for you was out of stress or not?

He told me that he loves me absolutely, but he needs to sort his thoughts out and prepare for "this give-and-take, that will essentially last for the rest of our lives" (his words)

[curiousgeorge01]

Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My INTJ went through some tough times that made him rather guarded emotionally and mentally. He asked that we take a break, just for two or three weeks so he can be sure that his love for me doesn't root from stress. Is this healthy? He's telling me that he loves me, and that this time isn't because of my doing, or because he needs anyone else. He just wants to get his head in the right direction. He realizes he's done some injustice to me in the worst way and feels the need to make up for it. He wants to take a break from the relationship but still wants to keep normal communication as if nothing happened. Is this normal? I'm not sure what to do about this.

Take it from a guy, a break is normal. It's girls who just make it more than it is. If I wanted to break up I would say "I want to break up." From his words, it sounds like he's hesitant about a further commitment like marriage.

[wotsamattaU]

	Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He told me that he loves me absolutely, but he needs to sort his thoughts out and prepare for "this give-and-take, that will essentially last for the rest of our lives" (his words)

He may be wondering if he is capable/willing of doing so. Nothing to do with you personally, it's him. The relationship stretches him beyond what he has experienced thus far. This can be extremely stressful and intimidating.

[changos]

We lack details that only personal contact would allow us to perceive (regarding commitment, age, honestly, etc). There is no way on knowing. But I can tell you two things.

#1. I might be wrong, but I sense in your description (of his speech) that he needs to make it up to you, not only the "pause", but also "something", I got that he feels he could-should have been better. I've seen this happening regarding honest intjs who won't mind if you SEE or NOT their mistake, they need to make it up to you (I believe other types also do this).

Part of my intj brain says "I wouldn't worry" because he just might need some time or space, perhaps there is too much happening inside his head. I've been there, sometimes work, problems, etc and at times I decide not to involve my love partner (it is sometimes easier not to give explanations or dealing with "how is everything now?" and answering those questions. BUT the other part of my intj brain says "I would worry", because when an intj loves you but asks for space and time, it is like your bird (who loves being at home) asks you to bring it outside and fly...


#2. Everything I posted is pure especulation but this is something you said:

	He wants to take a break from the relationship but still wants to keep normal communication as if nothing happened. Is this normal? I'm not sure what to do about this

Yes that worries me. We are no VHS to be put on hold or pause and pretend that everything goes on like nothing happened.

I'll say give him time (not too much, don't let him feel that you are a VHS on pause, ask) yes, give it time and then ask, but be prepared, he might give you tons of information and reasoning regarding what's happening, perhaps he is still coming to conclusions, we don't like to talk about things that are not clear yet.


But then again , "like nothing happened" is the only absolute red flag I see here, the rest would be pure especulation from my side.

	Originally Posted by SwedenF To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Speaking from a personal ground, I would be worried. Breaks do not work.

I've seen that intjs (including me) might come to temporary break ups to give the other person time to think about previously discussed stuff expecting them to find something out by themselves... some judge this too hard, but I believe there is a good side because it involves no manipulation or interference.

But yes, I don't usually like break ups.


PS. Honest intjs don't like giving partial answers.

[otiliaion]

	Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He told me that he loves me absolutely, but he needs to sort his thoughts out and prepare for "this give-and-take, that will essentially last for the rest of our lives" (his words)

On the other side, this sounds very familiar. I remembered a situation a friend of mine went through. He wanted a break, she was totally confused, he came back, they are now married.

[curiousgeorge01]

Yea I don't know what's the problem with a break. Again in my experience mostly women are apprehensive about it. Sometimes guys just want to remember what the single life feels like again for some time or sometimes they just want to see if you're independent enough to live without the guy for a few weeks. It's not indicative of wanting to break up with a woman.

Just last month one of my female friends was indignant that a guy would even suggest a break and said "if you dont know by now then don't call me back." Guess what? If you're going to make a proposition like that then it's likely he won't call back b/c he thinks you're nuts. You can't even handle a simple request without freaking out, imagine when there's a real issue?

[intangible]

changos - you took my comment a little too literally. He's not ignoring the problem, but he's resuming communication as if we never took a break. What confuses me is that he asks for space but gives himself less. I don't know what to think about that. I feel like ignoring him sometimes because I don't know how trying to talk more often is going to make him better..

[Lilie]

Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My INTJ went through some tough times that made him rather guarded emotionally and mentally. He asked that we take a break, just for two or three weeks so he can be sure that his love for me doesn't root from stress. Is this healthy? He's telling me that he loves me, and that this time isn't because of my doing, or because he needs anyone else. He just wants to get his head in the right direction. He realizes he's done some injustice to me in the worst way and feels the need to make up for it.

*nodding along*

	He wants to take a break from the relationship but still wants to keep normal communication as if nothing happened. Is this normal? I'm not sure what to do about this.

Whoa whoa whoa! This is highly suspicious. I have no idea what he is thinking. There is nothing normal about that. How the hell is he supposed to sort through his "feelings without you" if he's actually talking to you all the time and sucking up your emotional support? And he's actually been talking to you MORE?

Trust your gut on this one. Tell him if he wants a break it's going to have to be a REAL break. Limited (or even better, no) contact for 3 weeks. Expect a lot of whining, and for him to not be able to do it. That doesn't mean he really likes you though, it just means he's selfish and emotionally immature.

[PRBori]

I think it depends.

I'm about to flip the coin in my end. I kind of broke it off with my current SO and I'm moving out to another location away from him by June 1st; however, I'm willing to give him a chance to prove himself to me, but I need time out from him to fully and clearly access the posibility of him staying in my life as he is indeed a great person with a few issues that could be fix (if he wanted too). So its hard for me to say for sure, but it sounds a bit similar to my current situation.

Now, I did not give my SO any guaranteed tha we will stay together, nor do I plan to run away to someone else either. I strongly feel he warrants a chance to prove himself to me and therefore I will give him the chance after I sort out my current feelings. On my end I trust him and he trust me, so there are no issues there.

That said, If you trust him and feel he is being truthful, then simply let it be and see how it goes. If you have lost all trust in him, then let him go. That's the only advice I can offer at this point.

[spectre14]

Since he's an INTJ, I'd say that his words and intentions are exactly what he said. If I said I needed a break to think things through, it would be just that. Other people may use that as an excuse to fool around, but I know I would never do such a thing.

I've been in relationships before where this sort of thing would have been a smart move.

[SwedenF]

	Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yea I don't know what's the problem with a break.

Well, maybe I am biased, but I think the problem is that many guys who say break don't mean break, they mean break up. At least that's what I've encountered.

And when they mean actual break, it's often at a really bad point. I have no problem giving a guy space if things are alright, if he wants to do other things, think or just test if he'll actually miss me. Fine by me. But if you screw up, hurt me, and then say you need three weeks to yourself to figure things out, that's just plain selfish. And counter-productive if it's me your dating, because if you piss me off, and disappear for 3 weeks, that means I have 3 weeks to get worked up and angry, leading to eventually cooling off to the relationship and no longer having feelings left by the time you come around having your stuff sorted out.

It's all about timing. Right moment, go ahead and take space, no complaints from my part. Bad moment, do it, but beware it's going to end in break up. If you really need space after an issue, then first tend to my emotions and clean up the mess you made, then we can talk about space. But don't just abandon things in the middle of it all, and expect me to sit around nicely waiting for you to want to bother.

	Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What confuses me is that he asks for space but gives himself less.

I've that happen to me with a guy. He was in a tough situation, and had a goal he wanted to achieve that was very time-consuming. He'd ask me if I was ok talking much less, I'd say yes, and he'd be there twice as much. When I asked, he said he was torn between his desire to achieve said goal, and desire to talk to me, as well as feeling bad for taking space, and not quite being able to believe I really was ok with it, so he over-compensated and talked more just so I wouldn't feel ignored. That guy wasn't INTJ though.

What I would do is tell him that A) You don't understand why he asks for space only to talk more and B) admit that it's too much and that you too need some space for your stuff.

[intangible]

	Originally Posted by PRBori To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think it depends. That said, If you trust him and feel he is being truthful, then simply let it be and see how it goes. If you have lost all trust in him, then let him go. That's the only advice I can offer at this point.

I do think he is. No man with a straight mind ugly cries in front of you and divulges their feelings, much less an INTJ - unless they're really under stress (their shadow functions are those of an INFP, no?) Anyway, I believe him, I do. But the communication he's giving me is making me ignore him, making me a little more cold, because I feel like he's treating this as less of a break. I think what he really wants is to relight a spark so we can do this better next time. He told me he wants to do this to really gain his bearings and court me, and do this all over again, just with substantially less mistakes, with much of an attempt to keep us both happy.

Originally Posted by Lilie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

*nodding along* Whoa whoa whoa! This is highly suspicious. I have no idea what he is thinking. There is nothing normal about that. How the hell is he supposed to sort through his "feelings without you" if he's actually talking to you all the time and sucking up your emotional support? And he's actually been talking to you MORE? Trust your gut on this one. Tell him if he wants a break it's going to have to be a REAL break. Limited (or even better, no) contact for 3 weeks. Expect a lot of whining, and for him to not be able to do it. That doesn't mean he really likes you though, it just means he's selfish and emotionally immature.

Refer to the above, I don't know what I should do. He's treating me the way I wanted to be treated when we were together. He's essentially booked himself for the weekend for me, he's inviting me to dinners and movies, to cozy movie nights during the weekend, and I don't know which way is up. He told me he just wanted this next time to be more natural and more fluid. He told me he needed to restructure and open himself completely to me. He told me that he wanted this more than anything else. I don't know how to feel or what to think anymore.

[LifesEcstasy]

Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

He's treating me the way I wanted to be treated when we were together. He's essentially booked himself for the weekend for me, he's inviting me to dinners and movies, to cozy movie nights during the weekend, and I don't know which way is up. He told me he just wanted this next time to be more natural and more fluid. He told me he needed to restructure and open himself completely to me. He told me that he wanted this more than anything else. I don't know how to feel or what to think anymore.

And it sounds to me that's exactly where he wants you, confused, on edge and easily manipulated. I want you, but on my terms only.

It's a sad fact of life but there are many relationship books written for men that advocate doing exactly this as a way to maintain control in a relationship. These kinds of books appeal to men with little maturity who consider that a relationship is a situation where I have complete and total control in all circumstances. This kind of thinking is quite prevalent in Asian cultures where male dominance is still a key part of socialisation.

It's up to you to decide ultimately whether the emotionally unavailable man is what you are looking for in a partner. I can attest that these kinds of people rarely change and this kind of behaviour will characterise the relationship until the bitter end. Relationships aren't supposed to make you feel unsteady, in doubt and on edge. Good ones that is.

[curiousgeorge01]

Originally Posted by SwedenF To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, maybe I am biased, but I think the problem is that many guys who say break don't mean break, they mean break up. At least that's what I've encountered. And when they mean actual break, it's often at a really bad point. I have no problem giving a guy space if things are alright, if he wants to do other things, think or just test if he'll actually miss me. Fine by me. But if you screw up, hurt me, and then say you need three weeks to yourself to figure things out, that's just plain selfish. And counter-productive if it's me your dating, because if you piss me off, and disappear for 3 weeks, that means I have 3 weeks to get worked up and angry, leading to eventually cooling off to the relationship and no longer having feelings left by the time you come around having your stuff sorted out.

I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine always wanted to talk whenever she felt I was drifting away but I wasn't drifting away, I was just hiding in my mind to calm myself down. The more she wanted to drag me out, the more pissed I got which I thought was counter productive. This is where men and women differ; if I pull away I calm down but you get pissed, but if I don't pull away I get pissed and I might piss you off. It's a lose/lose situation. So the natural solution is just to let the guy pull away and don't think too much into it. And I know someone is going to say "well why dont you talk but calm down and talk," to which I say it's b/c I'm already in that place where I'm not rational anymore.

[MeDumb]

I don't know about the other INTJ's around here, but once I've made the decision to move on, it's OVER. There are no second-guesses, no going back. The only reason to vacillate is to falsely consider the tender feelings of the other person involved, which only results in more humiliation than satisfaction for them, (in my opinion).

My sleepy ENFP boyfriend of over 2 years is right next to me and I am currently "masterminding" the breakup, once the details and decision is made, it's over. My only procrastination results from his not having anywhere to go (MY HOUSE!), but I'll probably end things and offer him a room at extortion rates so he'll easily decline my attempts at civility. Any wishy-washy attempt by him to argue the point will only settle my decision more concretely.

Learn how to put the period at the end of your own sentences and move on. I learned young that it feels really good once you've cut a toxic or uninspiring someone out of your life.

[SwedenF]

	Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine always wanted to talk whenever she felt I was drifting away but I wasn't drifting away, I was just hiding in my mind to calm myself down.

See, I'm not sure what you mean here. Calm yourself down from what? And how long do you intend to stay in your mind?

If the only "problem" is that I feel the guy is "drifting away", which I would define as feel like he is less interested in the relationship, I would ask him if he is, and if he says no, then I'd believe him and tell him to take the space he needs. So far they've never come back, but I'd still say the same if the next guy asks.

[intangible]

But he isn't drifting away at all. Now more than ever, he's been courting me. He's really cut cold turkey many of the behaviors that bothered me, and is actually making some (visible) effort to change. Maybe you're right and I'm just being dense and I just really need to open my eyes, but I care deeply about him, and I believe him when he tells me he cares about me. My life has become substantially better with him around, and he's told me the same. I'm still very confused, and am getting mixed responses. I don't know how to deal with this in the slightest, and I feel apt to doing nothing. I'll let him court me and see how it goes. If anything goes wrong, if I sense anything wrong, I don't think I can console him beyond that, and I'm really putting my foot down (even if you all don't believe me!)

[Lilie]

Originally Posted by intangible To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

But he isn't drifting away at all. Now more than ever, he's been courting me. He's really cut cold turkey many of the behaviors that bothered me, and is actually making some (visible) effort to change. Maybe you're right and I'm just being dense and I just really need to open my eyes, but I care deeply about him, and I believe him when he tells me he cares about me. My life has become substantially better with him around, and he's told me the same. I'm still very confused, and am getting mixed responses. I don't know how to deal with this in the slightest, and I feel apt to doing nothing. I'll let him court me and see how it goes. If anything goes wrong, if I sense anything wrong, I don't think I can console him beyond that, and I'm really putting my foot down (even if you all don't believe me!)

What is going to go wrong is that this "break" is never going to end. As LifesEcstasy said, this is a manipulation tactic. Since it's "working so well" it will continue indefinitely.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if you accept this break as is you will NEVER be in a real relationship with this guy again. Possible exceptions being like, if he's in a crippling car accident, and loses all his other options. Then it'll be either you or one of the other girls he's stringing along. Oh yeah that... if he isn't doing it now, he will eventually. After all, you guys are not really together, right.

Been there, done that.