[Witch Doctor]

After many years of not being interested in anyone, I am currently - and for some time now - smitten with another INTJ. While the attraction - mental first, then physical - is strong, I am fearful that we are going to spend the next several years taking baby steps and then over-analyzing each baby step to the point where one or the both of us gets exhausted. No wonder Is wind up with Es!!

[Frexspar]

Originally Posted by Supaslim To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have a hard time gauging physical attraction, so I treat all people I meet the same. They don't become potential love interests until I know their personality. So, I guess I treat them like anyone else, and don't even have feelings about them beyond "this person is not unpleasant." And since my default behavior towards people is distant-but-cordial, I don't believe anybody ever views ME as a potential love interest, rendering any fondness I may develop later void. Could explain why I've never been in a relationship.

This is about as close as I have ever seen described what I feel. I don't "see" people very well as far as being attractive or not. In fact, if I pay too close attention to how people look it tends to creep me out, especially if their face is not symmetrical or they have something odd about their appearance. Once I get to know them the strangeness dissipates. I suppose that is a topic for another thread.

As far as romantic interactions go, I don't flirt, and I find obvious flirting to be obnoxious. I have never been attracted to someone or had a romantic relationship with someone unless I have known them for quite sometime. Usually we bond over common interests.

[Cincinnatus]

	Originally Posted by lalalandscape To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am just wondering, how do INTJs interact with potential love interests when they are first getting to know them (the first couple of months or so)?

Personally, it's having a large dialog with clever bits of conversation thrown around... or as clever as some hayseed like me can make it. I want something that could fit into a movie. The Silence of the Lambs is always a popular choice, but I'd kill for a Casablanca. The drama, the tension, the excitement... give me life and give me thought. Oh, the thrill of it!

Bah, who am I kidding? It winds up being a reference fest with no less than one Internet meme thrown in. There may be an invite for board game in there somewhere, too.

*sigh* So much clever conversation.

	Originally Posted by lalalandscape To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Additionally, how do you deal with the feelings initially? Factors may also include their personality and the social environment you meet them from.

Walled. I never show my hand, until I know someone across the table gives a fuck. If not, stiff upper lip, boy-o!

[Laura C]

Depends on my confidence level. Lol!

Confident

1 - Overt flirting
2 - Seduction
3 - States intention directly

Not confident

1 - Runs and hides
2 - Avoid speaking to person if forced to be in proximity with each other
3 - Ignore person when spoken to

[Muse]

Anywhere from flirty and talkative, to shy and avoidant (the later is rarer for me).

It depends on a lot of things.

[Knighthkm]

For an INTJ id say im pretty good with communication and reading people. How do I treat the guy who Im interested in? Not very different from other friends but I do kind of let them know I may be interested by hanging out or talking to them more. Giving up the alone time I love so much. I spend that extra time learning as much as I can about the person. How do I deal with the feelings? ...I question them. Probably because I dont like not being able to control the feelings I have for the other person. (Strong feelings are hard to control) I would rather be able to choose the moments I feel that way and turn them off when the feelings get in the way.

[FarmlandTension]

Originally Posted by Midhiel To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I never categorize new people as potential love interests; I can find them attractive but cannot be actually attracted to them until I already know them at least fairly well. So new people generally get one of three responses: I like them, will smile at them when they talk to me, will occasionally initiate conversation with them, and may eventually pursue voluntary contact with them outside of a school setting (because honestly, whom do I meet outside of school?). I am indifferent toward them and will be polite but detached whilst in their presence. I find them irritating and avoid interacting with them. If I do find myself with feelings for someone, I almost never pursue them. I analyze all of our conversations and compare them to their conversations with other people to gauge their response to me, which is generally always that of basic friendship, I guess. Almost all of the people I've known to have feelings for me have been, well, creepy, and none of them have known me at all, so I dismiss them immediately. Thinking I'm funny or perhaps attractive does not warrant a relationship with me, I'm way too mental for that. I've only had one boyfriend post-middle school, and it was with someone I did not know in person, so it made it much easier for me to handle. It also ended terribly, ha. I'm rarely romantically attracted to anyone, so it isn't much of a problem.

I think we may share a brain. Pretty much all of this also applies to me.

I have to get to know someone before I'm potentially interested in them, and even then I don't start flirting, I start trying to figure out if they possibly like me, and if I really want to pursue anything with them. I've had on boyfriend and it took me an entire year to decide it was a good idea to ask him out before I did so. Didn't end so well, but I don't regret it.

[Bluesea]

I think my conditioning and introversion work together to produce no overt signs or communication to let the other person know but the subtle ones are there and the other person would have to act on those if they had interest. If they don't do this and want more overt signs before doing so, it would never happen. So another introvert would probably get into stalemate and stay there.

I guess what attracts my interest is a combination of intelligence, character, and the way the person treats others/living things - in every day interactions and challenging situations. A positive result on all 3 tends to result in interest. Looks are a factor, but I do take time to assess the former and if they are not present initial looks based attraction dies.

[Eboni]

In the beginning I listen and learn about the person.
I give a little of myself initially.
If the charisma is right and the person continues to display an interest.
Then I will let it go to the next level.
Testing the waters the whole way.
I have had much success in my relationships.
So it works for me.

[SirJamesIII]

I just try not to stare.... But I typically be myself with slight variations. In group encounters, I tend to ignore her, but if I'm addressed I'll talk. If she is by herself, then that's when I talk.

[Klamachpin]

It's weird, like others have said, I act friendly, listen, observe, etc... and make a decision on what I think about the person before making my feelings known, but this one friend I have right now, and definitely a crush, is as much an enigma as I can sometimes be. Showing little emotion or feeling towards things, not wanting a relationship (just wanting to be 'friends'), and yet the way she acts sometimes seems like I'm being led on

It's pure torture, especially since she fits most of the things I would see in someone for an ideal relationship (or what I would imagine a good match would be)

[koakuma]

	Originally Posted by lalalandscape To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am just wondering, how do INTJs interact with potential love interests when they are first getting to know them (the first couple of months or so)? Additionally, how do you deal with the feelings initially? Factors may also include their personality and the social environment you meet them from.

If I feel something I have to take a step back and process what I'm feeling. Especially since I don't know how to act on feeling. It's confusing. To act on feelings is what "those popular girls" did back in high school and it didn't really turn out that good for them. So much unnecessary drama. Guess who cleaned it up. But basically, I want to observe the other person in order to get a grip about how he/she works (observation, listening, talk sometimes). Once I've evaluated how the person in general interact, think, etc, I start to loosen up a bit. Until then, Miss Reserved.

[Kryptonite]

I am working on engaging the interest of an INTJ male. He, simply put, is spectacular. He is confident in most things but seems confused by my attraction to him. He repeatedly tells me I fascinate him and that he admires me more than anyone he has met for various reasons (determination,drive, altruism). He told me I am the kindest person he knows....but he rarely tries to see me and doesn't try to be physically close. He says I am attractive...I am on a data hunt and have read a lot lately. Thank you guys for posting about yourselves it is helpful. I have blazing insight usually but this man has me twisted around my own mind. Am I on track to assume he is interested but is still gathering insight as to if he wants to move closer to me? Is he afraid to touch me? He is brilliant, successful, interesting and strangely sweet. I am not usually floored by a man but I think I have been sucessfully blindsided and could easily dissolve to the dreaded F side of my personality. I need a logical construct. Please help me!

[Alu]

I REALLY need time to think about what I want first, prior to asking or being asked out by someone. This is because I don't trust my initial feelings. I'm also a wuss. Being put on the spot and having to make fast choices in the relationship department makes me want to throw up. I instantly clam up, become distant and take the safe option by saying no or not doing anything.

I also have to know the person for at least a few weeks... not once have I ever said yes to a stranger "romantically" asking me out during our first conversation. It makes me suspicious and the idea of having to break things off if I end up not liking them gives me anxiety. Starting off as "friends" gives me more wiggle room and I'm obviously way more inclined to go for it if I know, like, and trust them.

Normally I respond best to "first flirts" and getting to know somebody if the communication is in text. That gives me a long time to think about how I want to respond. Sometimes I send them flirts first. It also doesn't make me look like a stuttering nervous idiot, lol. When everything is "okay", then the next time we see each other in person I am much more comfortable with those things actually happening.

I'm slightly better at thinking ahead than I used to be, though. One time I was on a first date with somebody and he started to hold my hand. I had never considered that happening and by the time I decided that I really didn't want to do that with him, I had already been holding his hand that whole time sending the wrong message.

After getting over the hump of trusting my feelings/interest for them, I'll either flirt first myself or accept their own. Sometimes I'm even very forward. After acceptance from both ends, I get really into it and it's usually fast sailing afterwards.

[DeborahB]

A guy for me has to be smart, have a great sense of humour, smell good and dress up well, and of course a good character and has to be strong witted.

So at least a xxTx

[Autoptic]

I don't really "get to know" people IRL and have only recently, 3 years ago and only during the academic year, been in a position to even potentially date. I'm rarely strongly physically attracted, and that's necessary but insufficient for compatibility (or any point at all). I used to avoid eye contact since I thought they could easily tell my attraction. Now, that's pretty much my primary indicator since they REALLY can REALLY easily. Of course, nowadays, I got to question age for legal and political reasons, which is often impossible. On campus, I'm relatively safe, though, outside the between class rush hours, there's no (indirect) contact outside classes, which I'm in CS...and an non-traditional student (AKA relative old at 31)...
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The only apparent mutual ogling happened in Calc I and more in Calc II, and she's the dubious honor of being the only girl I've ever physically approached though she sprouted a boyfriend when contacted online. That one's eyes and giggle managed to stay in my head for 6 months before I almost literally ran into her in IHOP during Mother's weekly breakfast visit...so 9 months total. I'm frustrated and deprived enough alone, so I avoid whenever possible, if it's clearly not going anywhere, which is massively default.
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Basically, if I had appropriate resources, I ask about coffee (until I figure out something else appropriate) after signs of mutual physical attraction and presumably ask precisely the questions I'm told to ask on a first date. Also, I check online prior if I can manage a name. I don't do friends, and dating's an unpleasant, intentionally rigged means to an unlikely, probably unintentionally terminally-rigged end. I don't do games or tolerate politics or depersonalization. I'm really not expecting a good end to this or life at this point.
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[warweasel]

If it is they who are interested in me, I likely miss that completely unless they or someone else eventually comes out and say so. Flirting is completely lost on me, I very rarely pick up on it when it's directed toward me.

If I'm interested, I just tell them so outright. Find out if the interest is mutual. Cut to the chase. I don't like wasting time if there is no potential for a positive outcome.

[Innovate]

I've had some relationships, but I rarely feel attraction or romantic feelings toward anyone.

I can find someone attractive, either physically or mentally, but I only seem to develop romantic feelings after a pretty long time of knowing them.

If someone sparks my interest, I'll send them hidden signals, and based on their responses, I can get the answers I'm looking for. I've really played with some poor gals' minds before but almost every time they've become more attracted to me because of it. One of the most significant aspects is the interest. If communication is too generic, it's boring.

[Chelsea]

I banter with them a lot, it provides me with an opportunity to gauge their humor and mindset. If they can banter with me...it will eventually lead to more concrete, serious, getting-to-know-you conversations. I ignore my feelings until I need them. The fact that I am talking to you and spending time with you should be a sign you're a romantic interest...oh. And if we do the nasty.

[Fanowene]

The last time I had a crush was... over a year ago? Seems really weird, now that I think about it. Either I'm getting older and more emotionally stable, or I'm working too much, not spending enough time socializing with dateable people, and becoming emotionally rigid.

I think I'm not playing with my own emotions as much as I used to 1+ years ago. I've recognized that it takes me nowhere, and that those experiments often work against what I'm actually trying to achieve. On some level, I'm getting stricter about enforcing my own standards. Simultaneously, I'm stepping back a little and trying to simply observe people and get to know them without feeling the need to stuff them into rigid categories. I'm fascinated by the variety of people that exist. Watching them be themselves is fun.

Me taking action usually involves lots of online searches and sending a digital message (or several, getting increasingly anxious and/or irritated if I don't hear back from the guy). Not good. I think my behavior would remain more reasonable if I saw real, long-term relationship potential instead of being driven by curiosity or the fear that I'll be left behind socially if I don't find anybody soon. I'm also afraid that my singlehood might be proof that I'm incapable of being in a real relationship - or maybe just incompetent.

[Sazza K]

If I am romantically interested in someone, I will do all I can not to make it obvious because I don't want the humiliation of rejection. I will happily flirt with them, but, as I'm in self-preservation mode 24/7, I will flirt with everyone else that's around, as a cover up. Even though I should know better by now, I still cling to the vain hope that if they liked me too, they would pick up on the invisible signals and make the first move.

Lost cause much?!

[Secret Owl]

Originally Posted by Nyan To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Personally I'm not much of a risktaker, and it's hard to analyze the feelings of someone introverted like myself who I'm more likely to find a romantic interest for. Feels like we come to a sort of stalemate, waiting for the other to confess feelings to quickly confirm with our own when there's no risk of being rejected. I suppose I worry too much about the possible outcome of our current relationship turning to negative longterm results, being responded with a no, so I'm trying to maintain things as they are rather than taking a chance for the better, hopelessly waiting for the ideal moment.

Eesh. Yeah, that or being completely oblivious to someone's attraction unless they're being obnoxious (clingy and personal-space-invading) enough about it to annoy me. Such a stalemate could go on for months or years until 1/2 gets the cajones to come clean.
Such friendships are too valuable to risk sacrificing on the altar of lasciviousness...until that lasciviousness is all but certain to be that of a deep, lingering, lifelong nature...

[Autoptic]

	Originally Posted by Autoptic To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Basically, if I had appropriate resources, I ask about coffee (until I figure out something else appropriate) after signs of mutual physical attraction and presumably ask precisely the questions I'm told NOT to ask on a first date.

Fixed missing negation because it bugs me...

[Ahearn]

	Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I become their friend, or at least, I try to. If things work out, we take it to the next level.

That seems to be what I do.

AWESOME avatar, BTW.

[Hariar]

So far, I've never acted on any such interest. I didn't do it because it never felt right. Why it didn't feel right, I am not a hundred percent sure of. I guess it might have something to do with not wanting to initiate contact with people that I do not really know; a category in which all my interests thus far have fallen into. "Distance interests", in other words.