INTJ sending mixed signals?

**castalia** · 05-09-2012, 03:02 PM

OK, so I am an INTJ woman and this guy I like is also INTJ.

He is my co-worker and we have known each other for two years. He is divorced and aged 41.

Last week, we went out in a group setting twice and he was very flirtatious, making enquiries about my life, what I like, etc. His body language was very "on" and he was very attentive. In the past, he has given me very sexy looks, looking at my body and smiling etc.

We went out in a group setting this week and he didn't want to take a seat next to me. At other times he had no problem doing so. He seemed cold and distant and would not always look me in the eye. He focused his conversation on an older woman and man. I could tell however that he was watching my interaction with other people. He did crack a joke about me though.

To be fair, I also act this way when I am into someone so I may have been giving him my own disinterest signals without realising. Or, he may have a girlfriend and just wants an ego boost by seeing how far this can go.

How can I move this further? Should I forget about him or try to up my pursuit?

**plotthickens** · 05-09-2012, 03:20 PM

Butch the fuck up and go talk to him.

If you work very closely, leave it alone because "Don't shit where you eat".

**FruitLoop** · 05-09-2012, 06:42 PM

It would have been a massive effort for him to make that first approach. Basically, he has failed at it and opted out because he didn't raise the response he wanted before he ran out of energy.

If he interests you, go and take him aside privately and give him the stern and annoyed "talk". Like, "wtf man? You made a nice approach, and I really like you, but now you are all distant!! Talk to me, wtf?? Lets hear it?" Finger-jab to the chest for good measure if you're feeling brave.
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If some chick did that to me, I'd be 'splainin myself pronto.

**Polygons** · 05-09-2012, 06:55 PM

Yup, it's time to be direct. But I'm concerned that he's your coworker... could get messy. You need to think about that before getting involved with him.

**Ambra** · 05-09-2012, 07:48 PM

I can't believe you don't know this.

He is obviously unsure and observing. Show subtle interest and create an opportunity. If he makes the move, you're golden. If he doesn't, he doesn't want to be attracted to you (rational reasons) or has feared that innocent flirting has been taken too far.

I believe this is what they call a stalemate. Think strategic.

**Weltschmerzer** · 05-12-2012, 11:58 AM

I think he made what he thought was a "move," and he seems to believe that he failed. So, either let him know otherwise or drop this one for being too reserved/easily discouraged.

**Selene** · 05-12-2012, 12:02 PM

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	How can I move this further? Should I forget about him or try to up my pursuit?

Why don't you confirm his r/s status before going through the notions of a mating game?

**searcheagle** · 05-12-2012, 05:01 PM

	Originally Posted by Ambra To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I can't believe you don't know this. He is obviously unsure and observing. Show subtle interest and create an opportunity. If he makes the move, you're golden. If he doesn't, he doesn't want to be attracted to you (rational reasons) or has feared that innocent flirting has been taken too far. I believe this is what they call a stalemate. Think strategic.

Yeah, I think it's probably this.

And showing firm signs of interests, with flirting, etc, is a much better option IMO than demanding answers with a poke in the chest. That seems like it would be completely emasculating in a dating context.

Flirt, show interest, suggest activities out, etc.

Anyway, it is a blast when you ask out a co-worker and they say no.
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**castalia** · 05-12-2012, 06:30 PM

	Originally Posted by searcheagle To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	And showing firm signs of interests, with flirting, etc, is a much better option IMO than demanding answers with a poke in the chest. That seems like it would be completely emasculating in a dating context. Flirt, show interest, suggest activities out, etc.

Do INTJ males actually pick up flirting signals?

Also, as an INTJ woman, it takes me a long time to decide whether I want to start a relationship with someone. Even if I am heavily infatuated with a guy and want to be near him a lot, I still worry about entering a relationship and going through lifestyle changes that relationships involve.

Do INTJ males take a long time to decide for the reasons outlined above?

**plotthickens** · 05-12-2012, 07:05 PM

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do INTJ males actually pick up flirting signals? Do INTJ males take a long time to decide for the reasons outlined above?

There is no way to broad-brush answer thse questions accurately.

**Lilie** · 05-13-2012, 01:20 AM

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Also, as an INTJ woman, it takes me a long time to decide whether I want to start a relationship with someone. Even if I am heavily infatuated with a guy and want to be near him a lot, I still worry about entering a relationship and going through lifestyle changes that relationships involve.

This seems like a weird way of wording it. I would say something more like it takes me a long time to decide because I want to see how well the guy will fit into my lifestyle, not whether I'd be willing to change things around for him. What lifestyle changes are you talking about? Are they the same in your opinion no matter who you are with?

**castalia** · 05-13-2012, 03:22 AM

	Originally Posted by Lilie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What lifestyle changes are you talking about? Are they the same in your opinion no matter who you are with?

Hmmm, let's see. Having to share you bed and you space with someone. Sharing you time, etc. These are the basic needs every relationship requires.

**searcheagle** · 05-13-2012, 08:36 AM

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do INTJ males actually pick up flirting signals?

Some do, some don't. But could it hurt to try?

ManWithNoName · 05-13-2012, 06:32 PM

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Even if I am heavily infatuated with a guy and want to be near him a lot, I still worry about entering a relationship and going through lifestyle changes that relationships involve.

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Hmmm, let's see. Having to share you bed and you space with someone. Sharing you time, etc. These are the basic needs every relationship requires.

Considering you're not even in a relationship with him yet and seem to have yet to really talk to him I think you are kind of getting way ahead of yourself if you are considering these type of relationship things such as sharing bed space and time. There's really no point in it as your not in a relationship yet and most of these such things you can't be figured out or decided alone as they will have to take in consideration his wants and needs.

Stop thinking about being in a relationship with him, or what such a relationship would entail, and just start doing. Talk to him, see what he's like, hang out with him. Develop a rapport.

Otherwise I think you are likely to just over think all this and end up just imaging being in a relationship with him to the point where you miss your chance or something like that.

**castalia** · 05-13-2012, 06:36 PM

	Originally Posted by ManWithNoName To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Stop thinking about being in a relationship with him, or what such a relationship would entail, and just start doing. Talk to him, see what he's like, hang out with him. Develop a rapport.

I have! I've known him for three years and we have hung out casually from time to time. We work together so we are bound to get to know each other somewhat.

05-09-2012, 03:02 PM	#1
castalia Member [24%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 979	OK, so I am an INTJ woman and this guy I like is also INTJ. He is my co-worker and we have known each other for two years. He is divorced and aged 41. Last week, we went out in a group setting twice and he was very flirtatious, making enquiries about my life, what I like, etc. His body language was very "on" and he was very attentive. In the past, he has given me very sexy looks, looking at my body and smiling etc. We went out in a group setting this week and he didn't want to take a seat next to me. At other times he had no problem doing so. He seemed cold and distant and would not always look me in the eye. He focused his conversation on an older woman and man. I could tell however that he was watching my interaction with other people. He did crack a joke about me though. To be fair, I also act this way when I am into someone so I may have been giving him my own disinterest signals without realising. Or, he may have a girlfriend and just wants an ego boost by seeing how far this can go. How can I move this further? Should I forget about him or try to up my pursuit?
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05-09-2012, 03:20 PM	#2
plotthickens Core Member [662%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26,516	Butch the fuck up and go talk to him. If you work very closely, leave it alone because "Don't shit where you eat".
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05-09-2012, 06:42 PM	#3
FruitLoop Member [12%] MBTI: iNTj Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 488	It would have been a massive effort for him to make that first approach. Basically, he has failed at it and opted out because he didn't raise the response he wanted before he ran out of energy. If he interests you, go and take him aside privately and give him the stern and annoyed "talk". Like, "wtf man? You made a nice approach, and I really like you, but now you are all distant!! Talk to me, wtf?? Lets hear it?" Finger-jab to the chest for good measure if you're feeling brave. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. If some chick did that to me, I'd be 'splainin myself pronto.
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05-09-2012, 06:55 PM	#4
Polygons Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 89	Yup, it's time to be direct. But I'm concerned that he's your coworker... could get messy. You need to think about that before getting involved with him.
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05-09-2012, 07:48 PM	#5
Ambra Veteran Member [58%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 2,340	I can't believe you don't know this. He is obviously unsure and observing. Show subtle interest and create an opportunity. If he makes the move, you're golden. If he doesn't, he doesn't want to be attracted to you (rational reasons) or has feared that innocent flirting has been taken too far. I believe this is what they call a stalemate. Think strategic.
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05-12-2012, 11:58 AM	#6
Weltschmerzer Member [20%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 816	I think he made what he thought was a "move," and he seems to believe that he failed. So, either let him know otherwise or drop this one for being too reserved/easily discouraged.
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