[clarion4]

I started dating an INFJ. We've gone out 5-6 times. I rarely date introverts, because I like someone to bring me out of my shell. But this seems "comfortable" However I'm wondering if it's going to get boring? It's weird. We talk. But at times we just can sit there and gaze into each others' eyes, not saying much, and neither one of us seems to mind. We enjoy each other's company. We text a few times a day. There isn't this WOW spark, that I get with extroverts. But I keep wanting to go back for more and I can't figure out why?

Don't get me wrong we are definitely physically attracted to each other. But it seems deeper than that. (Haven't had sex yet. But we've had a few great make out sessions, and I know sex will be soon)

Just curious if there are others who have dated INFJs? Did the relationship fizzle? Was there enough excitement to keep it going? I've dated quite a bit, but to my knowledge never an INFJ. Insight is appreciated.

[green eyes]

In my experience, if you aren't one to compromise much, excitement can eventually lead to drama as the relationship becomes less and less new. Some traits that are "exciting" can be hard to live with or not what you really need. Sometimes some differences can be more stressful than helpful when you really need it. And to add to all of that, a "WOW" factor can not only fizzle over time but actually grow, depending on the people and circumstances. And there are even different types of "WOW".
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Personally (and this is by no means how everyone should do it), comfort is what I seek with someone that I can be happy living a long, long life with...until we are pushing each other down the aisle of a nursing home.
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Things can change and have their ups and downs through life, so I want someone that I feel can journey through all of that with me and remain my ol' faithful and trusty sidekick. I'm very happy in my INTJ/INFJ relationship, and it has lasted almost 3 years now, long distance. I can't say exactly how much of this has to do with type (if at all), but there is some excitement, there is some quiet contentment and calmness, there is a little bit of pushing each other to be better and growing together, and there is some of what seems like a deep understanding and acceptance.

Anyways, it sounds like even though it is different than what you are used to, you really seem to like whatever is going on here, and that's a good thing!
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So don't over-analyze it too much. Just enjoy it.

[Mogura]

When you do have sex with her, make sure that the post-coital pillow talk is plentiful, honest, and from the heart. And cuddling... lots of cuddling...

[JulietCapulet]

Originally Posted by clarion4 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I started dating an INFJ. We've gone out 5-6 times. I rarely date introverts, because I like someone to bring me out of my shell. But this seems "comfortable" However I'm wondering if it's going to get boring? It's weird. We talk. But at times we just can sit there and gaze into each others' eyes, not saying much, and neither one of us seems to mind. We enjoy each other's company. We text a few times a day. There isn't this WOW spark, that I get with extroverts. But I keep wanting to go back for more and I can't figure out why? Don't get me wrong we are definitely physically attracted to each other. But it seems deeper than that. (Haven't had sex yet. But we've had a few great make out sessions, and I know sex will be soon) Just curious if there are others who have dated INFJs? Did the relationship fizzle? Was there enough excitement to keep it going? I've dated quite a bit, but to my knowledge never an INFJ. Insight is appreciated.

I thought you were trying to decide on an ENFP online?

[Jalex]

As any other relationship between two human beings... or did you think because of archetypes they were a kind of aliens? hehehehe
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They have problems, misunderstandings, different sinchronization in their feelings, etc. etc. there are way too much more important aspects to take into account before even hitting personality (e.g. "chemistry").

[Anarchy6]

I was in a long term relationship (2 years) with an INFJ. It was really chill, we would stay in a lot of the time and ended up in our own little world. In the relationship I ended up being more extroverted at parties, bars, when we were with other couples, etc and really led the relationship. A couple of the problems that we eventually ran into were typical T/F ones. Like her complaining that I never let her know what I was thinking, was closed off, wasn't as into the relationship as her, etc. Probably didn't help that I told her straight up that she was not my number one priority- don't do this. She always wanted to help and be seen as an inspiration, but felt she couldn't do this due to my independence, other priorities, and refusal to accept what she saw as "help" (ie trying to get me to talk about my feelings). Anyway, good overall for me, very comfortable and low key except for the above mentioned problems, but I wouldn't expect her to bring you out of your shell.

[NixonKneivel]

I have been married to an INFJ for ten years.

[clarion4]

NixonKneival I'd like to hear your opinion. You mentioned you were married for 10 years to an INFJ. How's it like? Have you gotten bored? What's good about it? What's not? (In general terms)

[EcstasyMan]

	Originally Posted by NixonKneivel To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have been married to an INFJ for ten years.

Why don't you tell us about it?

[zaleplonsonata]

The only problem i see with a INTJ-INFJ relationship is possible communication problems and sometimes misunderstandings between the two. I kinda dated one, but we couldn't get any farther to a committed relationship because i couldn't read/understand his emotional cues very well, i was pretty-much a robot sitting there just thinking/blank, and he did not like the fact that i could not express emotion very well, i got tired of him because he always tried to argue with me over menial things and hated it that i just sat their trying to find a solution instead of argue with him about, so i ended up getting defensive and ended it without saying too much. I like INFJs becasue i admire their natural ability to feel, and they always have interesting things to talk about.

[Synapse]

My best friend is a hardcore INTJ (who hates almost everyone) and we would die for each other as two males. INTJ-INFJ relationships can be everlasting (as the married poster proves).

The problem is that they are slow and steady. They could not be called "explosive" in either their creation or destruction. Patience defines them and coupled with both people's general independence, they tend to smolder. Communication problems do occur, but it takes a while for either party to address the problem due to how emotions "bottle up" internally.

Generally, INTJ-INFP relationships can be somewhat boring. There is no sense of either person "needing" the other as neither cling.

[storm eyes]

	Originally Posted by NixonKneivel To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have been married to an INFJ for ten years.

I asked first
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[Mikejt]

Im an INTJ and have been married to an INFJ for 4 years now. The greatest benefit of these two personality types is the commitment each have for the other. The conversation will always continue to be thought-provoking as long as each person is continually learning about new things that they are interested in and talk to each other about it. Both personality types need to be involved in something they love.
Communication problems are the number one problem in the relationship between these two personality types, but they don't have to be. It really is different for every couple because people are so diverse and different. The biggest problem my wife (INFJ) has with me is my difficulty expressing my feelings. The biggest hurdle I have with her is trying to understand her feelings, which just can't always happen with humans.
When it comes down to it, the same advice will be given to this relationship as any other : Be honest with each other and if you are committed to having a successful relationship, continuously share with each other your feelings and thoughts.
It's important to know what each person desires in terms of showing love. I could care less for public displays that say "Hello World, He is mine!". I deeply value the one-on-one time over any other. My INFJ (and she could be ENFJ) really values public displays that say "She is mine!".
I think the feeling of wanting to come back for more time with an INFJ is because we feel that they can really "get" us as INTJs - at least I feel that with my wife.
You can keep the relationship exciting, it just takes some "fanning of the flame".

[Promiethius]

I am new to this site but I feel I should post my thoughts as I've been in a relationship with a INFJ for 2 years. The best thing in my relationship is the commitment. Its like having a second person who is devoted to you and your needs . The biggest problem I have is communication on many levels. She isn't very good at explaining her feelings openly and bottles up in the heat of an argument. She often times try to run away from arguments even. I feel it could last an eternally long time but if your looking for a WOW...I definitely don't think INFJ is what your looking for.

[LurkingINFX]

Funny. Just this weekend my husband and I, a respective INTJ and INFx (mostly testing INFJ) talked about how our relationship has gotten too comfy. But we have been together for over 15 years and are still mostly happy together.
Like with others here, there's never been a "wow" factor on his end. But as far as I can tell, that hasn't been a problem for him. Other things, like respect for his alone time and a calm home, seem to be bigger priorities.

[thecase]

I dated an INFJ for two years, and looking back that was by far the most difficult, strenuous relationship of my life and also opened up my eyes to what I really want in a partner.

The things that were wonderful, were really great. The understanding of personal space, the intellectual and nerdy interests, and the passion. Completely compatibility in bed- there was NO awkwardness in bed, ever. From the day we first slept together, all the way to the last day we had break-up sex.

But, when it came down to it, the T/F differences caused so much tension. It's such a fundamentally different outlook, and since we are both Js, we were unwilling to see the other person's outlook as truly legitimate. I think so many people in a T/F relationship can't realize that the other person is viewing the relationship from a very different outlook than the other. I'm such a realist and he was such a conspiracy nut. What were once deep discussion about intellectual topics, became annoyances because he found no value in proof or statistics, ONLY HIS FEELINGS, where I could not take him all that seriously when he was basing holistic concepts on only his feelings. This isn't to see he was not intelligent, he was. It was just not a type of intelligence that jived well with me.

This also made me eventually realize how differently we both views our relationship (but thought the other one viewed it the same). I'm dedicated and loyal and my emotions are based on thoughts of the past, present, and future. His love for me was always in the moment, and always impulsive. Sure, it was strong for two years, but now I am older and wise and wish for a dedication beyond emotion and passion.

Of course all the variables are on a spectrum, and he was ALL F, and no T. Somebody with a more balanced F, can I'm sure be wonderful and have notion of true dedication.

[zeroemission]

i haven't dated one, but let me tell you, an INFJ moral compass sweetie would be my dream and pretty much what a survey called "the favorite friend".

the BEST relationship i ever had was a plutonic one i had with a room mate over a year. she had flirted with me long before that as we shared the bus every day coming back from our jobs. i tell you, i just got so used to the "no drama" with what a restless person would call unbearable boredom, but to me, it felt like what it would be to be a happy old couple, no need to make a fuss about anything because who likes drama?

it wasn't an INFJ match i think though. she wanted me to give her pain.

if you have the start of a relationship with an INFJ with mutual attraction, i envy you. without having a name for it, it's probably what i've sought my whole life. it was that kindergarten crush on didi conn that did it i still think, or well, maybe the gentle air she's capable of exuding hit my boing button before i knew it could do that.

i have to go back and finish reading the thread, but INFJs are even rarer than INTJs. it's frustrating, but maybe i can live vicariously through someone else's experience.

it was a really wonderful read. i liked reading about the long happy marriages. that's what works... practical "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" routine with someone who shares enough of one's own esoteric traits to actually get you. i really liked that "all them flashy acrobatics on the trampoline are eventually going to lead to some kind of drama" analogy.

i'm sure a 100% F with a 100% T would be a recipe for disaster. i think i get a lot of my goody goody and artistic traits from some F and would think a REASONABLE amount of T would be accepting physical evidence such as charts, but they are 2 different perspectives on the world. i could imagine if both partners could stretch a little in the middle, they could enhance each other's weaknesses in a microcosm of opposites attracting... you take the lead in all these irrational social situations and i'll handle all the chewing gum, paper clip & duct tape improvisation.

i'd at least like to meet a rarest of the rare INFJ female once. if she starts nagging about emotions... i'll just write her a pretty poem or paint her a pretty picture. LOL hey... i have feelings too. besides, they're all artists too, right?

oh... i've got it... INFJ math nerd that dreams of being tickled.
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almost... *pant pant* there... french maid uniform... *pant pant* silky black bob haircut...
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*pant pant pant pant* feather duster...
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[Zhen]

yeah it's not instant chemistry spark dynamic like with Es but this combination has legs...and is very in depth and intimate....the only thing is I found the INFJ can get a bit clingy which is fine if you only want to spend your time with one other person ALL the time.

p.s i had no idea INFJ females were that rare- the only female friends I had growing up were INFJ...If so then you might find them in cultured places...art galleries, coffee shops, art classes, language classes etc

[Blownmind]

	Originally Posted by Zhen To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	p.s i had no idea INFJ females were that rare- the only female friends I had growing up were INFJ...If so then you might find them in cultured places...art galleries, coffee shops, art classes, language classes etc

I'm INTJ, and my wife is INFJ, she did hang out at coffee shops alot when she was 15-20 years old. She still enjoys it. So if you are in that age range, I would definitly recommend coffee shops.
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[aok]

I was good friends w/ an INFJ. Later, we started dating and became a couple. I found her very fascinating and I think she felt/thought the same thing. I'm sure I'm responsible in ways I don't understand in the way I was communicating, but she would start taking my analysis and occasionally tactless honesty more and more personally. This led to her responding in defense with personal attacks against me. This pattern inevitably grew in momentum as did my anger and frustration. We eventually, abruptly decided in anger by me, broke up. Later, we were still communicating and I decided I wanted to get back together, now she didn't. We tried remaining friends, but the previous pattern still continued and/or escalated. I wish her the best, but I haven't talked to her in years.

One area I'm definitely to blame in, is holding grudges from the past in things that I felt were unresolved. She would later start holding grudges on me for the grudges I held, which fed into the conflict cycle escalations. When the relationship was in a good state, it was fantastic and intense. We communicated in ways that I haven't in any other relationship on an understanding level. On the other hand, when it got bad, I think I experienced emotional hurt I didn't think was possible. Whether good or bad, it was always intense. This may have also been part of the issue. This might not totally be true, but I felt like she had my buttons memorized and knew them sometimes better than I did. I felt she would use this upon whim to push with intentions to enhance the intensity of the relationship. The emotional rollercoastering was far too stressful than what I was prepared for. She often discussed and responded to things that I was uncomfortable with and overwhelmed by and I'm pretty sure she felt the same way with respect to me. She was extremely emotionally expressive in ways that could be unpredictable to the extent that I'd be scared to react, respond, or do anything for fear of escalating her emotions in a negative fashion. I felt like she required much more emotional give and take than I was willing/able to participate in. I probably required more objectivity given in a non-emotionally heightened state than she was willing/able to do. Bottom line on my cut and dry, cynically sided, personal analysis for me being somewhat INT(J), and her being INFJ, is that we were unable to accomodate each other's weak points in a helpful/understanding fashion. So, we ended up continually attacking those weak areas. It took me far longer than I ever expected to recover emotionally to where I wasn't ruminating on the past of it.

I'm generally thinking I would be best suited with an ENFP and her with an ENTP. The guys that she, as an INFJ previously felt most matched up with fit the characteristics of an ENTP, which I definitely am not. I wouldn't charm and wittily flirt in a feel good, creative fashion like they would. Any problem she had with that type was basically due to their unreliablity towards certain matters.

For a long time, partially in response to avoiding transitioning towards intimacy with women for fear of living through more unpredictable emotional stress, I would try to purposely avoid trying to give any signal of flirtation/attraction whatsoever to any female. This defense/strategy backfired and caused many women I was attracted to and may have matched up well with, thinking I was gay or asexual, yet I wouldn't do anything to prove them wrong unless they outright asked me. While I haven't deviated too much from the avoidance of flirtation, I do try to be a bit more lighthearted. This is, as opposed to my preferred mode of being over-analytical and serious/honest/sincere to ridiculously literal/absurd/abstract levels. I also try to throw in occasional compliments for the sake of the other person.

[superflax]

	Originally Posted by zeroemission To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	i'd at least like to meet a rarest of the rare INFJ female once. if she starts nagging about emotions... i'll just write her a pretty poem or paint her a pretty picture. LOL hey... i have feelings too. besides, they're all artists too, right?

*ahem*
Nice to meet you
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---------- Post added 07-27-2012 at 02:58 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by aok To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I felt like she had my buttons memorized and knew them sometimes better than I did.

She probably did. I always do that, when someone annoys me, I either ignore them or attack them where I know it would hurt the most (in my less mature years).

In all honesty, it's not the most promising of matches but the more understanding you both are... the better the relationship will be!

INFP would give more of a WOW!

---------- Post added 07-27-2012 at 03:05 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Anarchy6 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I was in a long term relationship (2 years) with an INFJ. It was really chill, we would stay in a lot of the time and ended up in our own little world. In the relationship I ended up being more extroverted at parties, bars, when we were with other couples, etc and really led the relationship. A couple of the problems that we eventually ran into were typical T/F ones. Like her complaining that I never let her know what I was thinking, was closed off, wasn't as into the relationship as her, etc. Probably didn't help that I told her straight up that she was not my number one priority- don't do this. She always wanted to help and be seen as an inspiration, but felt she couldn't do this due to my independence, other priorities, and refusal to accept what she saw as "help" (ie trying to get me to talk about my feelings). Anyway, good overall for me, very comfortable and low key except for the above mentioned problems, but I wouldn't expect her to bring you out of your shell.

Oh dear Odin! NOTHING destroys an INFJ more than hearing the words "you're not all that important to me" after we have decided to be devote ourselves to someone.

Jesus, I can actually feel the pain your ex would've felt when you said that.

[storm eyes]

I like INTJs. They give me the space I need to worry about things and I find their awkwardness endearing, for the most part.

[Ironborn]

I would say it´s complicated with INFJ.
In my case it seems to be so very slow. We have met only 3 times so far but we write each other regularly, have a lot of things in common (line of work, interests...). After each date I have grown a little bit more fond of her but she seems very introverted, holding herself back and has a lot of work and many other activities as have I so we possibly don´t see each other as often as we should to really fall for each other.
After our first date she said that she needed time to develop feelings so I don´t want to push anything.
I am by no way smitten but I see potential.

The trouble is I still have feelings for INFP with whom I was totally smitten right from the start 6 months ago though from all the wrong reasons and the matter is still not completely closed, so it´s like to be pushed in two directions.

[superflax]

Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I would say it´s complicated with INFJ. In my case it seems to be so very slow. We have met only 3 times so far but we write each other regularly, have a lot of things in common (line of work, interests...). After each date I have grown a little bit more fond of her but she seems very introverted, holding herself back and has a lot of work and many other activities as have I so we possibly don´t see each other as often as we should to really fall for each other. After our first date she said that she needed time to develop feelings so I don´t want to push anything. I am by no way smitten but I see potential. The trouble is I still have feelings for INFP with whom I was totally smitten right from the start 6 months ago though from all the wrong reasons and the matter is still not completely closed, so it´s like to be pushed in two directions.

Give her time. Seriously. Just do it. When she finally opens herself up it will be worth the wait I promise!

The more accepting you are, the faster she will do this too.

Take it from another infj who has heard "you're so difficult to read" from EVERYONE even family.

[Storm]

I've been in a relationship with an INFJ for years. No complaints. There was a fierce spark at the beginning, and I feel like there still is.

Communication is really important, just like any relationship. Probably especially for F/T since you're looking at some things differently. As long as you talk about it though, it works out fine.

Learn her love language (gifts, touches, words, acts, time), and use it often. INFJs like to know that you're thinking about them.

Personally, I love the two introvert thing. We both spend a lot of time chilling in our own little worlds, and then go out to low-key things. I spend more time with him than I did with extroverted boyfriends, because they would go out to parties all night. I'd go to the party for maybe a couple of hours and then leave.

Idealism v. Practicality is probably the biggest hurtle for INTJ v. INFJ, or at least the biggest difference in archetype personality. It's where you're most likely to have disagreements and least likely to understand the other person. I've found that just knowing how they are approaching the situation is enough to know how to stop anything from blowing up.